Turin Turambar
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Posts posted by Turin Turambar
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6 hours ago, Sarah B said:
Do I need to PM both of you my email or do you have it from the submission group? I haven't done an alpha read with this group yet so I don't know the procedure.
Ditto, but how do would you like me to send it to you? Email work? if so, PM me what it is.
8 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:I've been neglecting this thread, but I saw you had offered to read my short story. If you're still interested in reading that, let me know and I'll send it to you.
Of course I still want to read it! when do you want it read by? Also, any feedback you can give is great, that's how I know what I'm doing that doesn't work, so I can improve. I'll PM you with my email, and send me your own, or however you'd like me to send it to you. (I have no idea the standard to sending manuscripts).
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6 hours ago, Sarah B said:
Do I need to PM both of you my email or do you have it from the submission group? I haven't done an alpha read with this group yet so I don't know the procedure.
Ditto, but how do would you like me to send it to you? Email work? if so, PM me what it is.
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@Sarah B It's epic fantasy, I don't know what you mean by style. I don't care when I get feedback by, as thre is no due date. Also, Mainly general impressions, on a scene level, but whatever you're willing to do would be helpful - I want to know what kinds of things I did works and what doesn't. Did you want to look at it?
2 hours ago, Robinski said:Do I take it from your comment that you have written more words in a novel, but not finished it?
Actually, quite the opposite. I did nanowrimo with a friend last year, and while I ended up doing most of the writing, I personally don't consider it writing the complete novel. Actually, I wanted to do nanowrimo this year, but due to prior commitments I couldn't find time, so I ended up doing double in April-May. Hense, this.
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Hello! Excited to read more.
2) "thank you for inviting" that whole segment of talking does what it's supposed to, but it feels a bit blatant. Maybe?
3) "mundane seagulls" that means we're going to see intelligent seagulls, right? Right?
3) why would there be species strange to N if they're local species?
3) so satyr's are unknown.
5) was it a good idea to tell her on a boat? it's like offering explosives to a child on a spaceship. Also, JUST A SUGGESTION - maybe separate the bit about being offered a job and taking it, to build tension?
6) wow, she forgave her fast.
9) so the abilities are vaguely genetic?
9) "but, yes, I would. I can't risk losing my contract" - she's really forgiving.
10) you know, at the moment, I'm not sure if making the laws makes you valued. It kind of sounds like generic revolutionary dogma.
10) Direwold general! If that person is anything like Mat, I already like him. Of course, he's probably a throwaway character and Mat is the exception to the rule, but I like genius tacticians regardless.
11) and her sister doesn't sour at being told the the BK is better than everyone else.
OVERALL: I'm happy to get another chapter from you. I like the tension throughout the scene, but I feel like you either ignore it or give it up sooner than you have too. Also, her sister seems to take everything rather lightly. If I found out that my brother did something that diametrically opposes me personally of his own free will, despite the fact we are the best of friends there would be sparks if not a raging bonfire. That was more poetic than intended.
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@Snakenaps, I'm temporarily going to ignore what you said about it being appropriate, and I'll tell you why in a moment. Here's some that haven't been mentioned
Rook, by somebody or other. it was recommended by writing excuses at some point. (Sorry that isn't any more vague.)
Poppy War
Broken Earth Trilogy
Ninth house
Red Queen
those are the first three that popped into my head. As for why it doesn't matter about appropriate, is because a) I can't remember enough books with female protagonists that I can present any books at all, let alone a list. Second, sometimes books can be edited with a pen or sharpie (in my case, I skip over a page or so when I think a scene is coming up). On the other hand, some people have a hard time with censoring at all.
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OK: this is going to be a bit long winded, I apologize in advance.
I wrote a 107K novel, which is the farthest (not longest) I've ever gotten. Yay me! I may put this up on a week by week basis, but a combination of burnout and overload of research makes me want to take a break from it. That being said, I'd like to know if anyone would be willing to tolerate reading a rough draft manuscript (very rough draft; I didn't touch is since I vomited it out onto the page), and give macrocasmic feedback on style, scenes, worldbuilding, and the like. If you don't that'd be fine. Thanks for considering, and tell me if you'd like me to send it to you.
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Hi
before I start, where can I find the revised chapters? I want to look at them.
2) C was perched on it. Cars drove down. I'm not sure that the double sound works.
2) I don't have any milk - wow, he's definitively a college dude.
2) wait, there was a problem with her phone? I don't remember this. Probably my fault.
2) Blackout protocol? did anyone mention this earlier? I don't remember. Something on Mi's end, I assume, if he's worried enough to dig through M's texts.
3) ahh, yes. It would help if I read a few lines later.
4) when did he find out that the recording was M?
8) so this is the whole I like you so I have to stay away from you angryfest. Ok.
OVERALL: fine, and most of my problems with this chapter is that I can't remember what happened in earlier chapters. Other than issues on my end, I liked it besides the fight at the end, which feels a bit cliched.
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12 hours ago, kais said:
Though I’ve been curious about other software for a while now.
I use google drive and love it.
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7 hours ago, Snakenaps said:
Also, I'm taking over a non-Lounge thread again, sorry @kais it's a horrible habit of mine. At least this time I'm calling out myself. My long point was, everything that has so far occurred in this story regarding alcohol has echoed my own experiences or the experiences of those around me, including M's low tolerance
Well, write what you know, I suppose.
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40 minutes ago, Snakenaps said:
I wish that was my excuse. I'm 5'5" (an inch above the national average) and I get pleasantly drunk off of two glasses of wine. Any more than a glass and my cheeks turn pink and my hands actually start getting circulation. My former 5 foot roommate could easily drink me under the table (not that it would be hard). Everyone has different tolerances, and a glass and a half for getting drunk isn't too far off from myself.
Well, I'm barely on the charts (perhaps 1%/2% if of the national average) but I personally try to stay away from alcohol. I'm too afraid of what would happen.
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Hi!
In your CH 10, are you using the word "Karma" right? last I checked, it's complicated.
1) I like the repercussions to the attack.
1) are we talking about the same demon attack? if so, how did she not drive since Aug.?
1) that probably makes driving that much easier if she uses minds instead of cars.
2) P.2 that's sad.
5) this breakdown...works for me?
9) why does she have such a low alc. tolerance? Is she particularly small or something? Also, she can't heal herself - right? (I'm thinking of Shallan's 'detective work')
11) I'm glad someone's responsible.
Overall: I'm liking each individual scene, but while I see the connecting threads, they feel kind of random. I know that this criticism isn't really true, so ignore me here, but I figure I should put it down here. I'm rambling. Sorry.
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Hi!
Uh...OK? I read it then felt like I'm missing something important. I thought most of the story that the troll was her polymorphed father. I'd say I liked it, but again, I'm missing something. Also, I feel like you jumped too much. Ignore me if you think that I'm nitpicking or blatantly wrong.
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8 hours ago, PiedPeterPiper said:
Regarding power lines -- I end up starting a lot of sections with them and have been trying to cut out a couple so there's more variety -- especially when I'm in the heads of different characters.
I don't mind so much, I just think that it loses its impact and starts to feel cheesy if it's used too often.
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@shatteredsmooth - I'll try to read it if you'd like. I don't have a manuscript of my own to trade though. (Half of why I like reading excuses is so I have good reading material). I'm normally a quick reader, though I feel like my reviews tend to either be superficial or focus on one or two writing techniques that are on my mind at the time.
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Hi! Thanks for submitting; welcome!
2) it took until page 2 to get some context of what's going on. You're right about your writing, but I'm just going to call that a writing style and enjoy it for what it is.
3) I REALLY like the whole "but no--" until the end. that feels right, especially the last line of that segment.
4) the parentheses are completely telling. It doesn't bug me all that much, though so whatever.
6) Do you start every section with a power line? (like "Raodin woke up that morning, completely unaware that he had been doomed for all eternity") (Quoted loosely from memory from the first sentence Elantris, for those who need it sourced)
6) so is the cutoff a different POV of the same event?
8) oh yes it is. This is actually pretty awesome.
OVERALL: I really like the story, as far as I can tell, and the characters feel right. I personally am getting a bit tired of interplanetary difference but that's nothing against your book. Your stream of consciousness writing, while occasionally distracting, works besides that. The part that was written by two POV's was awesome, but for some reason it felt very on the nose. Looking forward to the rest!
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Hi!
1) Why is she so sure that the demon was after Mi and not her?
2) is it just me or is this one of those instances where everything would work out if they only talked to each other instead of saying "I don't want to talk about it"?
2) doesn't she have hormones? or is not human enough for that?
5) if her mom is cornered, why does she waste time calling other hunters? Nearest I can guess, she just wasted a good five-ten minutes or so.
6) no heaven?
6) so the between is essentially the realm of magic? Or is the me projecting my own stereotypes onto it?
7) M can project thoughts. If she lost control with T earlier, wouldn't she have possibly slipped up there? or accidentally project something to Mi at some point?
8) so knives are enough to take down big monsters. Please tell me that they're magic.
9) fancy latin banishing - LOL. does it matter what they say/think? or as long as the intent is the same.
9) she were in its mind - that sounds like a horrible idea. To be fair though, you made it pretty clear that she's outclassed, so drastic measures make sense.
OVERALL: well, now lets carry on through the plot!
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Hi!
1) do you have some sort of mechanical system behind the scenes about M's spending of energy?
2) It was completely innocent - well, I don't know about that.
2) The conversation between A and T and M is surprisingly entertaining about the definition of sleep. LOL
2) Go to the gym - I can sympathize.
4) MMA? I had to look it up.
5) I get the feeling that M wants them, but there doesn't seem to be any romantic tension for M. Mostly, she seems to like M more. [I have to resist making chocolate candy jokes here.] If you're trying to make a love triangle, I think that two of those legs seem to be failing.
8) Triangle still doesn't work. All of the emotions come from the other two girls.
10) If he doesn't have gender, how is he her dad? Also as an angel, does he care about her orientation?
Well, this was a fun chapter. I kind of wanted to see M walk in on M and her dad, though that would probably break the pacing and whatnot. Keep up the novel!
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Hi!
1) well, that infodump happened fast...
3) "P had been much younger" ditto.
6) Is this the same story with the automaton and the scholar who with the pet?
11) I'm not sure who is who at this point. The At is the protag, and then there are the two girls. The other A is his master?
Overall...the prologue seems like a lot of infodump in the beginning, but I like the necklace bit. Also, I feel like there are too many people for the first scene for me to follow. I enjoyed it, but I don't know why I should look forward to the next chapter.
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Hi,
9) Do they really care about evil or not? All things considered, despite the fact they're an invading army, they seem to have done more good than bad. I know that you tell me all of the evil, but at the end of the day, I'm not seeing any of it so it falls flat.
Overall: I liked the story. The beginning was a bit boring, but the rest of the chapter quickly grabbed me.
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Hi!
2) the tension between M and M seems kind of contrived - I don't know if there is supposed to be - and that's mainly because it feels on the nose. Or is supposed to feel awkward here. If so, it's still on the nose?
4) I took a neuropsychology course earlier this year for the fun of it. I don't remember most of it, but it's really cool!
6) deadnames?
Overall: I liked the scene, but feel like somethings missing. The scene has tension, between M&M, but it doesn't fit right with me. Perhaps because it's so mundane? Some of the text doesn't flow right, but I'm horrible at nitpicking that sort of thing unless it stands out. One thing to note: I first thought that M modified his phone to pick up the supernatural, and kept waiting for him to notice C. Afterwords I realized it was the recording, but even so, I'd think it would be hilarious if Cardi was there. Can she turn invisible? Ignore this if it's too uppity.
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On 6/1/2020 at 3:49 PM, Sarah B said:1. What tone and type of story are you expecting?2. What elements would you expect to see?3. What big moment/climax would you anticipate, based on the first chapter?
1) Space political novel, but not like Leviathan Wakes. Slightly whimical in nature.
2) Lot's of space tropes. Maybe a generation ship kind of thing? Lots of species.
3) Follow some interstellar meeting, everything goes wrong, crew tries to stop in interspace war of some sort.
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Hello!
1) I know that a lot of books have an in world blurb in the front/before each chapter, but what's the point of this one? Any given reason?
2) "gone too far" - "gone too far". It sounds wrong in such close proximity
2) ditto for "upset"
3) What did H just do? I think this is magic, but I can't tell
3) The conversation about 'the beast' feels stilted. Also, it doesn't have a name?
5) I feel like I should feel something now, especially after D's decision, but I don't feel any tension about the possible impending fight, let alone it's release.
5) "Giant which they had crafted" - I like this!
7) this technobabble lost me. I get the feeling that this stuff is important, but it means nothing to me so my head is swimming in what's going on. (if a suggestion is warranted, then maybe have a scene before with all of the technobabble in play, so when they're talking, I have a frame of reference of what everything is?)
9) that creatures name is impossible to pronounce
Overall: Most of the story just needs a wordsmithing, but ch. 1, while I followed the important bits, completely lost me with its technobabble. Also, while I understand A's plight, I don't feel for him as a character. Still, this novels possibilities look incredibly awesome and I think I'm going to like it.
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Hi,
1) murmured to M. Also, where did M come from. Wasn't she just with her dad? or am I forgetting something?
2) I still think that their collective conversations, while make sense, still don't make sense in how the topic came up.
3) wow, T's forward. I suppose after earlier, it's not that much though.
4) Well, A flirted - how would she know who is who? photographic memory? or just asked everyone she met?
4) like the smell of sharp cheddar - well that's a sharp description of an image.
4) I'm liking the telepathy more and more. It lets you really understand the other characters, like a reasonable 3rd omni POV, and acts as excellent beats.
5) HOMESCHOOL! I spent most of my elementary and middle school years begging my parent's to let me homeschool.
6) or just really enjoying your food - how is that supposed to be attractive?
6) wait, so what genders are those two people?
7) realised just how ancient. - so how did M's parent's get together?
7) space opera and dystopias - so actually interesting english classes.
8) I like the tension of movie night v. interacting w/ demon summoners.
9) same price but hershey bars - LOL
11) how are some people "shadowhunters" and other's not? non-human bloodlines? Training? what are these hunters called?
11) this tension has me. Now I'm nervous. This has really good setup in both previous chapters and here.
13) she eats a ton. (I'm writing my own story where the magic is tentatively by calories. Similar idea. I'm pretty sure I didn't appropriate it from you, though.)
This reads a bit like a cross between Shadowhunters and Ninth house. Otherwise, this chapter is one of the best so far, with decent character building and tension.
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1) aren't coyote's known for false smiles or something?
2) "Just really tired" - how is that a half truth
5) wow - that nondisclosure went out the window. When are the consequences?
5) wait - so is the black king a therianthrope or a fey? are they mutually exclusive?
7) so her family went from wanting to fight in a rebellion to interrogating her about inanities in the castle.
8) oh, no wait. ignore 7). I just got your characters confused. (I'm not deleting 7) because I'm getting the characters confused)
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7/6/20 - Reading Excuses - These Shattered Worlds - Chs. 2&3 Sub 2 (4833)(L)
in Reading Excuses
Posted
I) wow, her alter ego sounds like a brat. Good job conveying that, but I'm worried that her new personality would turn me off from her.
3) alternately, the stupidest of fools did go to the surface, hence ridding society of idiot genes and everyone is better for it. Without genocide, merely survival of the fittest.
3) stark constrast - what are you trying to say with the comparison.
6) did your chapter cut off halfway? I feel like you cut off abruptly and nearly ripped over at the end of the chapter.
8) interesting information about grammar.
8) It's a bit hard to follow what's going on, with all the jumping around.
9) R suddenly sounds egotistical. or like an aes sedai.
12) This story is really losing me. SO MANY CHARACTERS AND SCENE BREAKS.
Overall. The beginning was good, but then the viewpoints and characters began to lose me. This really feels like it should be several chapters, at least.