Turin Turambar
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Posts posted by Turin Turambar
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4 hours ago, Mandamon said:
Overall, I have to admit I was mostly lost while reading this.
Oh dear. As for the descriptions, this was supposed to take place in downtown Baltimore. I've been there a couple of times, though I had to use google maps to track her walk. As for the blue box things, I had no idea what they were either, other than they were everywhere.
4 hours ago, Mandamon said:pg 1: "Regardless of what just happened, a promise was a promise"
--wait, didn't she just see someone killed or something?She's really careful about her word.
4 hours ago, Mandamon said:pg 2: " I had discovered years ago that demons would go to quite the length to get
what they wanted...there was no escaping him.'
--Again, I have no explanation for why she's working with him.pg 3: "For my family."
--I thought she was single?I'm trying to slowly work out why she works with R.
4 hours ago, Mandamon said:pg 6: The whole encounter with the other demon seems...random? Like the MC calls out to warn the guy and then sort of shrugs it off and keeps walking. She didn't try very hard. The last several pages have been sort of aimless wandering through the city.
I wanted to point out that she's an inherently good person and doesn't want other people to fall prey.
4 hours ago, Mandamon said:pg 16: So I'm guessing L is her sister? Why is she smiling at the memory if she's kept her number from L?
4 hours ago, Mandamon said:pg 8: "World Trade Center"
--Sorry, I'm having trouble following the chapter because of the landmarks. WTC is in New York, John Hopkins is in Maryland, and Stratford University seems to be in Virginia.
Fort McHenry also seems to be in Maryland? I'm confused.there's a WTC in downtown baltiomore. Ditto for Stratford.
4 hours ago, Mandamon said:pg 8: "I thought you knew.”
--knew what? That they were traveling out of state?Going to the concert.
4 hours ago, Mandamon said:pg 16: So I'm guessing L is her sister? Why is she smiling at the memory if she's kept her number from L?
She tried to keep her info from everyone but her father. She cut off ties with her husband and daughter, and only calls her sister occasionally.
4 hours ago, Mandamon said:pg 16: “I’m taking care of his axe for him.”
--do what?It's either a plot point or something cool. Or something on the chopping block, I haven't yet figured that out.
4 hours ago, Mandamon said:pg 18: " The one consolation was that demons usually left my friends alone."
--demons plural? Now there are more she's working with?Some clarification. Demons - harassing her and her family. Demon - R.
Again, sorry about the ambiguity. I have a rough idea of her motives for R, but I'm not entirely sure.
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Hi All,
Ch. 1 - N and R go out for lunch. N gets held up.Ch. 2 (now) - Concert. L calls and invites herself over.Ch. 3 (then) - Car crash?Thanks!0 -
I don't suppose I could snag a spot tomorrow, Aug. 3, also?
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On 7/31/2020 at 11:16 AM, kais said:
behold the wonder/horror
Wrong Genre. I have no idea about the style.
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Thanks @kais for the comments. Most of your comments I addressed earlier.
9 hours ago, kais said:- pg 5: this is starting to get the feel of one of those dirty Krampus books and I'm so here for it
I'm afraid I have no idea what this is. Can you tell me?
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Read it. You cannot be a true fantasy fan without reading it.
INSERT PRETENTIOUS, STUCK UP FANTASY ELITIST GATEKEEPER RANT HERE.
No seriously, read it.
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4 minutes ago, Frustration said:
Erm...Thanks?
{I got this from my notifications. This was rather surprising.}
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20 minutes ago, kais said:
Unsure. I can always send you the full to read after this next round of edits if you want? I'll need fresh eyes anyway.
Sure! Contact me then.
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Hi,
1) I's eyes, growing wide, - too many commas.
1) didn't she see him when the restaurant burnt down? Why is she having this reaction. EDIT: I thought you mentioned this earlier.
3) "Decay" ?
6) Why doesn't he replace a servant? That seems much easier for the BK.
6) Was that some kind of compulsion or telepathy?
9) P actually understands her hatred for the job?
I'm really confused why she needs to be a musician. That seems a bit of a stretch, rather than replacing one in a small army of servants.
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Hey, @kais, I'm just wondering what happened to the RP? Or did you say something about it that I just missed. Not that I'm rushing you, or anything.
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6 minutes ago, Snakenaps said:
Pg 22, " You can’t pledge your soul if you’re incapable of coherent thought.” He didn't set this up? Slightly confused.
No, R's being brutally honest about why he's helping N.
7 minutes ago, Snakenaps said:I thought it was going to be a Good Omens-esque story filled with humor about an accountant and her demon friend, but then the ending came around and I'm not sure.
I'm aiming for something kind of like Good Omens, but something a bit grimmer, I think.
8 minutes ago, Snakenaps said:Pg 7, “Have you ever tried to resist a succubus?” Wait, I thought he was just being flattering earlier. Is she literally a succubus?
That's an idiom.
9 minutes ago, Snakenaps said:Pg 14, " world wars and vietnam and all that" I'm going to chalk up the tense errors, the random loss of capitalizations, and lack of question marks at the end of some dialogues as draft errors and focus on the story.
Yep. My brain is still working in first person present tense.
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5 hours ago, Robinski said:
I really don't know if this helps, but you wanted opinions
The more opinions, the merrier.
I'm trying to figure this out so I can figure out the motivation of N from my submission on Monday, as some pointed out.
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7 hours ago, aeromancer said:
You've piqued my philosophy. I see that you're drawing a distinction between (presumably) me as a 'decent normal human being' and the 'general human population'. That is to say, you've drawn a distinction between them and consider a certain segment to be more prone to violence,
TBH, I wasn't individually separating you from a group. When I said you, I meant any given human being, but not the population as a whole. But any given human being could be any decent human being who isn't premeditated to it (Not a criminal, and not someone predisposed to violence like someone who is trained for it such as military or law enforcement). Though I'm sure that you're a wonderful person.
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24 minutes ago, aeromancer said:
Surprisingly, a lot of things, assuming the 'you' is referring to humanity as a whole
I meant you you. Or, any decent normal human being carrying out premeditated murder. Not general human population.
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Hello everyone.
I realized that I need to figure out the motivation of my new MC. She's in a real complex position, so:
What would it take for you to murder someone (what would the circumstances need to be.)
What would it take to work hand in hand with a terrorist organisation (accountant, mole, etc.)
If this question is too dark or disturbing for you, I completely understand. The more answers the better, though.
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Hello everyone.
I realized that I need to figure out the motivation of my new MC. She's in a real complex position, so:
What would it take for you to murder someone (what would the circumstances need to be.)
What would it take to work hand in hand with a terrorist organisation (accountant, mole, etc.)
If this question is too dark or disturbing for you, I completely understand. The more answers the better, though.
EDIT: sorry about the multiple posts - my computer claimed that it didn't register so I resubmitted it.
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20 hours ago, Mandamon said:
Right now, I'm completely turned off from N. She's knows what she's doing and seems to be okay with aiding literal evil in taking people's souls. Why? How did she get here? Why does she seem so normal?
1) She does know what she's doing. I have an idea as to why it's not literal evil.
2) The why and how is going to be the focus of the story. On the other hand, I have no idea her motives. Which is a problem, obviously. That may also help with your character issue. Also, I did a bit of research about why decent people do horrible things. Think like Nazis. Also look up Milgram's experiment. Etc. I'm not saying that they apply here, but it's possible to occur.
3) She is normal. You know, other than her situation.
20 hours ago, Mandamon said:There were also a lot of sections where this went between present tense and past tense, and also a lot of questions sentences without question marks. There are also a lot of places where N says she's keeping personal details from R, but the story is loaded with them. I assume R knows all about her.
1) I originally wrote this in present then tried to convert it to past tense. I guess I missed a bunch of instances. Thanks.
2) Personal details. She tries. No one ever said that she's any good at it.
20 hours ago, Mandamon said:--I'm a little confused. N seems to like the demon as a friend, but is routinely horrified by the demon-like things he does?
20 hours ago, Mandamon said:--yeah, I'm sort of confused/concerned that her friend is a demon. Half the time she seems put off by him, and half the time doesn't care that he's a literal embodiment of evil.
I'm still trying to find the balance there.
20 hours ago, Mandamon said:--she never said he was...
Remnant of an earlier version.
20 hours ago, Mandamon said:--...that's really reprehensible. N is a terrible person.
Fair. Again, I'm still trying to figure out why she's doing this which may or may not change how horrible she is.
20 hours ago, Mandamon said:--what about all the "look behind you?" I thought something was happening?
That was a poor attempt at a distraction.
20 hours ago, Mandamon said:--and? This is sort of an abrupt end to the chapter. What's the punchline, so to speak?
Late in, out early. I guess that didn't work.
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Hi
I'm going to jump to the new bits.
8) this is a bit late for a new POV, especially one that I've never met before.
8) why's they interviewing her family?
9) remind me what a cupidine is?
10) "and only cheat a little" lol. That says so much about their character.
11) "returning from spying" - well, that explains a bit. Maybe it would help if this was dropped a bit earlier.
12) the BK doesn't know who his chief spy really is. And he trusts them?
12) I though I called the BK by his real name. So what's all this about a moniker?
13) I know I'm not supposed to know about these crystal things, but if they're important, isn't it a bit late to be "name dropping?"
16~) I'm don't feel any real tension here; my assumption is that he wants to get info on W, not really interrogate her.
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Hello all,
Pardon me for going over the word limit. Silk, if this was too long, tell me. This is an urban fantasy about a really cool idea I had (or think I had - there's a possibility that I accidentally "borrowed" this from somewhere.) I have a few plot points, but really have no idea where this story is going.Obviously I'd like whatever feedback that you're willing to provide, but if possible I want to know what you think is going to happen and why.0 -
7 hours ago, Silk said:
Sorry for the late reply, folks. It looks to me like it's @shatteredsmooth and @Snakenaps for tomorrow. Did I miss anybody?
Me, I think. Can I submit this week?
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Hi,
3) That conversation feels real. I'm missing the subtext of the conversation with the carpentry bit.
4) honey?
6) Nothing indicates that she'll capable, so it's hard to believe that if she does succeed, it'll be deux ex machinas.
6) I don't know who and what and why they want revenge, so it's really hard to be invested in the quest of whats essentially an abusive father.
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Hi,
1) That bit about how she regards the kitchen is GREAT. For some reason, it subverted my expectations.
1) Her reaction about the BK seems forced when juxtaposed by ch. 8 - last week she barely seemed to care, and not much of her reaction seemed to warrant much change.
3) civilized animals roasting other animals. And goats. Does nobody find this disturbing?
3) plankton - I don't believe that a cow would make such a metaphor.
4) it would take four. minimum. While the viewpoint felt necessary, I think that line in and of itself one me over to her character.
5) The last scene felt...dry. With lots of exposition and telling.
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9 hours ago, Snakenaps said:
Congratulations! I'm a little late to the party, but I can give you my thoughts! You can email to me using the email connected to my submissions. If you can't find that email, PM me. I've started a new job, but I'll jump on your novel as soon as I have time.
Congratulations to you too on your new job! PM your e-mail, and I'll share the doc with you. If that works for you.
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Might I have a slot next week (the 20th)?
EDIT: Whoops, too early. I need a bit of time to finish up this piece.
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Reading Excuses - 7/20/2020 - Turin Turambar - Infernal Accounting - Ch. 1 (5779) V.
in Reading Excuses
Posted
I can't believe I'm even having this conversation.
(I find myself using more and more emojis. They're horribly pervasive, like an infestation of Terry Pratchett novels. You enjoy them enough, but can't seem to stop reading them.)