Turin Turambar

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Everything posted by Turin Turambar

  1. Gah...that's a long, intimidating list. Good luck with that. You're list looks pretty conclusive. Many of these problems didn't bother me, but then again I had assumed that many of them would be addressed later. The biggest things that bothered me personally was how anthropomorphic animals with different anatomies exist with humans and the fey felt weak. I figured the BK's goal long term was to make the region a state under his control, whether capital or otherwise.
  2. You're right, of course. I resubmitted it to make sure that I got rid of the major errors that people mentioned so I have a solid groundwork.
  3. Hi All, Ch. 1 - N and R go out for lunch. N gets held up. Ch. 2 (now) - Concert. L calls and invites herself over. Ch. 3 (then) - Car crash? Thanks!
  4. No problem - have fun!
  5. Hello all, Pardon me for going over the word limit. Silk, if this was too long, tell me. This is an urban fantasy about a really cool idea I had (or think I had - there's a possibility that I accidentally "borrowed" this from somewhere.) I have a few plot points, but really have no idea where this story is going. Obviously I'd like whatever feedback that you're willing to provide, but if possible I want to know what you think is going to happen and why.
  6. That's probably the right way to fix it (though the library needs some tinkering). Thanks!
  7. Hello all, This is a second run of the first chapter of the story I'm writing (the working title has been changed.) Most of you have already seen this; I'm resubmitting this because I think I solved most of the major issues with the first draft and I want a solid foundation for this story to work on. I'd understand if you don't critique it but please do anyway if you have the time.
  8. From what I remember of individual school photos, yes. No ritual. It was supposed to be flippant. It's probably shouldn't be. N doesn't know the difference and uses both interchangeably. As far as world building is concerned, Demon is a race (human) while Devil refers to an individual (person). I put that in quotes? That was her running commentary. I haven't yet entirely figured out interplanar worlds, but I'm too prude to actually "curse" so I replaced the word. Laugh at me if you wish. The in-world reason is that N tries to use the right terms and that's what the demons call it. The demonic language is loosely based off of hebrew, for which the right word is 'Gehenim'. And strip in public? Demons can die too. Also, those were the ones I thought of. Saying the twentieth century makes more sense.
  9. Bingo. Well, it's mainly for the character and motivation, but taxes too. Actually, I was considering starting at the restaurant and using the summoning bit at a later point. Do you think that it would make the story stronger (start in the middle, and I think it would let me put motivation in earlier.) ? I understand what you're saying but not how to implement it. Never. It was a random convenient substance on hand to use. Minor plot hole. What's the term for that? In-world slip up? Kind of. He's seducing her for her soul instead of her money, though. She didn't know this information - she's trying to write a book about demons. I apparently didn't convey that well enough as her motivation. So she's trying to milk him for information while he wants his dues and without letting him know. That's why it's there. I wanted to make it subtler, but I'm really bad at subtle in novels.
  10. I'm losing the thread a bit here even though I'm somewhat decent at grammar sometimes, but how about invent a new he/she/it/they? It's probably horribly impractical and jar the readers out of the novel but it'll be so cool!
  11. I kind of volunteered to set up that kind of folder. Is there enough interest to bother?
  12. Fair - I don't blame you. She actually had it up because she wanted her apartment to look generic and bland. The apartment was supposed to be oldish and kind of run down. I changed tense from present to past (and in the second draft from third person to first) but missed a ton of instances. You aren't the only one to have problems. I think I fixed some of the primary issues in my second attempt at it, but I completely understand if you don't want to brave it again/at all..
  13. Welcome back! 1) thorns skating - well, that was a fast introduction to the magic. 3) more than J's life - that's a strange analogy for her to use. 4) They maintain the roads? 8) You really don't know me, do you? - Based off the previous draft, why would she? 8) Why doesn't she simply take the trunk and be done with rifling through until later? 9) Yes I am traveling - duh? 10) Again, knowing the previous draft, that's too much information for how she knows it. 12) heat of the comb? oh, yeah. OVERALL: Whoa...this is long. I'm going to do this in two shifts, I think. I think I like the new version better, but my memory is hazy so I'm not sure. You definately made M cockier, so that's one goal done. J does feel less useless, but it's hard to put a finger on why. More grounded, maybe? The prose itself is good enough to make me jealous.
  14. Hello! 1) "You're hands are practically made for it" - I finally figured out why I dislike P. I think it's part of a larger issue. Some of your characters are bipedal, like the mouse M and G (I spent some time trawling through your art to make sure I was right - you're really good!), while others are like regular animals like P. The bipedal animals probably have to have a different musculature because they aren't built for standing on two legs. So I think you may have mentioned that some species have developed a bipedal form (I'm guessing that G is among these) which would make sense (and we're going to waive the opposable thumb problem the same way). That's one issue. The REAL problem is for normal animals. How are the 99% without telekinesis supposed to function? Dogs can move things, I suppose, with their mouth, but how are they supposed to get dressed? Have any job that requires fine motor or even fingers? Once on this rant, the architecture must be really messy, being designed to accommodate a number of different species. Even something as simple as park benches have to work for humans, small people like dogs (for whom the bench is too low and therefore useless) and creatures like Minotaur where it probably isn't strong enough. I suppose that cows and other "farm species" wouldn't need it as they probably can stand at rest for long periods of time and not need benches, but that's just one example. Tables? Bathrooms? Stairs? Can horses even go down a flight of stairs? Can you imagine the cost of having everything duplicated four or five times to accommodate every species? Also going to bring up one last time the problem that carnivores must have, essentially being cannibals. 2) L is hard to follow. Not a criticism - I'm just commenting on his distinctive style of speech. It's a good thing. 3) I like the detail about last names. Just one question though - one of the uses of surnames is to distinguish multiple people with the same name. Without surnames, how do they distinguish two people with the same name? 4) "Decay" This is going to sound weird, but I focus on the expletives in a novel because it reveals a TON about the culture. So what's the story behind 'decay?' 5) "Fish guts" see above. So he's a sailor/fisherman? That would make sense for I, not L. On the other hand, this sounds like a Siuan line. 6) Ok, that makes sense why she's here. Why not a personal attendant though? 7) So someone will need to be near I to get the names. Won't it be suspicious is someone is always right next to the musicians and always talking to one - especially if he/she/it works at the BK court, it's likely to be a somber person, not at all suitable for a concert or something. 7) also, I don't feel the three of their's distress enough. 7) and a breach of contract. 8) she gets real names, and why would she lie about that? And she doesn't know for sure what her nieces name is to her? She bets? 10) Just make sure that the music theory makes sense for the world. The number of beats varies around the world. In the USA, it's 12 A, A sharp, etc. In other cultures the numbers and proportions are different. OVERALL: I see where the tension is supposed to be, but I don't feel it.
  15. Ohhhhh.....I thought that you actually joined his class (remotely, but still.)
  16. Can you give me more information about this course?
  17. I'll take one - I want to resubmit chapter one and see if I fixed the primary issues.
  18. I actually tried to calculate the calorie intake for dragons once. More. You're thinking in 1 dimention. I'd say 200 gallons, but I'm not sure the mass works out right. Would castle walls work (8 ft of solid stone)? If not, you now have heavy siege weapons. Isn't the exact opposite of what everyone wants? I suppose this would open up space for companies to "buy" the pregnant mares, handle the birth, then "sell" it back. And then probably give a huge fee for the colt. Is that the right word? Given the amount that you said that they would have to beat the pegasi into submission, I don't know if that's a problem. At this point, this is where I start tearing out my hair at the implausability and cry into my pillow for a few days. This can be SO COOL though. Good Luck!
  19. I think you may have misunderstood the intent here. It wasn't supposed to replace RE, it was supposed to be a folder where we could see the projects as they go along - primarily after they were submitted and previously critiqued. Like when people decide to entirely revise chapters at a time, everyone can see the new versions and get the new information and say which one they liked better, etc. Also in terms of editing - do what you want. I think I'm going to try to write a slew of chapters before submitting. I think this is going to end up an ensemble, but I don't know the characters well enough to write them, so I want that done before I start submitting these characters and changing them from underneath everyone.
  20. The idea was so that there would be a spot where the manuscripts could reside. I know that both @kais and @Snakenaps for one said that they did solid revisions, and that way we'd be able to see it. I don't know.
  21. I want to resubmit my chapter one, but before I do I want to know if it's a breach of good taste to resubmit the same thing so soon. No, I'm not one of those people who endlessly revises chapter one. @Mandamon specifically but really everyone said that the MC's motivation made the story hard to get through. I think I fixed that and I want to know if it works before I commit another 50k-ish words to this mess. Opinions? Also an idea: What does everyone think of sharing a google drive folder with everyone in RE, with a folder per person per story so people can go through written works and comment and just enjoy a good story?
  22. 1) So magic can run out? From people, I mean. I knew that there were personal limits, but I didn't know that it was a reservoir. 1) "She had save the BK" Didn't she already know this? 1) OK, at least now her reaction makes sense. Then again, how level headed/typically melodramatic is she. I don't think she is a whole lot (except when around food) so the whole woulda/coulda/shoulda doesn't seem to fit perfectly. But this hits, and hits hard. 2) Going from "I botched it" to "I have no idea how to play an instrument" is jarring. 3) "and more" really? Is it possible to either cut this or give real description. It may be just me, but "and more" doesn't work. At all. 4) thank you for following up with the whole null thing. I remembered there was something and forging, but I couldn't remember what. 4) "Silver" yay, fun. Please tell me that the iron/silver is going to be followed up with. Wait, is she going to be contacted by the revolutionaries and given a silver knife to kill the BK? 4) "You bring me...what's up, chef?" I'm assuming that T is older than her by about a decade, and still imagines her a child, or younger teen. Also, is what's up world-appropriate? 5) and he's not murdering her for not only insulting the BK. Progressiveness! 6) I'm completely on to something with that assassination attempt. 7) so he's willing to risk his family for his family. What? 7) "T let his hand fall from her head" ? 7) I was close on that assassination. I haven't given up on it yet. 8) So did they even say they were going to try anything then? If not, why is she worried that nothing would go wrong if she was doing nothing. I thought that was obviously the revolution. Though should completely have a cool name. OVERALL: I liked the emotional hit in the beginning, and later on with T it fell flat, though that may have been me overbuilding my expectations.
  23. You wouldn't need a huge amount of pegasi to make an economic difference. If a merchant or messenger or army has access to even only one, then he'd be able to move valuable goods/information in record time, rendering him/her/it/they/them (too many pronouns) incredibly wealthy. Also, isn't a ninety day journey like from Spain to the USA? Just off the top of my head. How big is the archipelago? Are there other land bodies then this string of islands? What if there are different breeds of pegasi exist, and the islands climate is too inhospitable for the other breeds. Does that make sense? Or perhaps they're impractical - too weak or what-have-you. Lastly. If pegasi are too wily to be killed out, then HOW ON EARTH ARE DRAGON'S EXTINCT?
  24. Are you sure it has to be pegasi? Whoops. Realised this was the wrong place to put this. Sorry about that.
  25. I think that the psychologist market just increased exponentially, then.