Turin Turambar

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Everything posted by Turin Turambar

  1. Hi, 1) murmured to M. Also, where did M come from. Wasn't she just with her dad? or am I forgetting something? 2) I still think that their collective conversations, while make sense, still don't make sense in how the topic came up. 3) wow, T's forward. I suppose after earlier, it's not that much though. 4) Well, A flirted - how would she know who is who? photographic memory? or just asked everyone she met? 4) like the smell of sharp cheddar - well that's a sharp description of an image. 4) I'm liking the telepathy more and more. It lets you really understand the other characters, like a reasonable 3rd omni POV, and acts as excellent beats. 5) HOMESCHOOL! I spent most of my elementary and middle school years begging my parent's to let me homeschool. 6) or just really enjoying your food - how is that supposed to be attractive? 6) wait, so what genders are those two people? 7) realised just how ancient. - so how did M's parent's get together? 7) space opera and dystopias - so actually interesting english classes. 8) I like the tension of movie night v. interacting w/ demon summoners. 9) same price but hershey bars - LOL 11) how are some people "shadowhunters" and other's not? non-human bloodlines? Training? what are these hunters called? 11) this tension has me. Now I'm nervous. This has really good setup in both previous chapters and here. 13) she eats a ton. (I'm writing my own story where the magic is tentatively by calories. Similar idea. I'm pretty sure I didn't appropriate it from you, though.) This reads a bit like a cross between Shadowhunters and Ninth house. Otherwise, this chapter is one of the best so far, with decent character building and tension.
  2. Hi, 1) I thought you just said that her dress wasn't modest. 3) Now I'm curious what plan B is. 4) this really doesn't seem like a servant/master relationship, even disregarding the genre. Honestly, I feel like the roles are reversed. 7) I'm getting a name overload. Also, if B. M. a person, company, or a place? 7) what's the tech level of this continent 8) Why did she put an ages restriction on. If she needs the information, why weed out younger people. They aren't counterproductive. 9) thank you for not letting this devolve into another yelling match. 9) strange...I'd think that a monarch would leap at the chance to increase technology.
  3. 1) aren't coyote's known for false smiles or something? 2) "Just really tired" - how is that a half truth 5) wow - that nondisclosure went out the window. When are the consequences? 5) wait - so is the black king a therianthrope or a fey? are they mutually exclusive? 7) so her family went from wanting to fight in a rebellion to interrogating her about inanities in the castle. 8) oh, no wait. ignore 7). I just got your characters confused. (I'm not deleting 7) because I'm getting the characters confused)
  4. P1 - so her dad's an archangel. That's really cool. P2 - I feel like I'd like to hear her conversation with her grandfather. P4 - grandmpa...nun?!?! P5 - "in a long time" - now I'm really confused as to her families genealogy. P7 - I try not to do a real line edit, but "but the most unsettling part, though, lay" P8 - the paragraph about telepathy seems shoehorned in here. P8 - shoot me down if you'd like, but can you come up with something cooler than hybrid, or ignore the parts, and call them only a hybrid, as in a race. P8 - does she need sleep at all? P11 - I don't feel the emotion I'd expect her to feel when preventing her grandfather from dying. P11 - "Evanstar" - nice reference
  5. Hi I really like the tension in this chapter. Didn't find any obvious faults. So here's your post that says nothing but I liked it.
  6. Hi p1-p2 - infodump. It isn't too long, but is a bit distracting. p2 - so they'd just let her roam around at this point? p3 - don't the theriothropes have different name than their un-uplifted counterparts? p6 - conversation about breaking the law with P seems stilted. p6 - how does she not know the job that she's in charge of? p10 -ohh p11 - isn't this the definition of nondisclosure? p13 - I doubt P would say 'nibble' p13 - are they really all that patriotic? It's starting to feel like it's being rubbed in my face. p13 - how would they know to offer her the restaurant back? p15 - the internal monologue begins to lose me. p18 - so the first thing she does after signing a nondisclosure agreement - is tell people. Overall: I liked the scene - things happen! Still there's too much internal monologue for this scene to flow IMO. Unless the all of her thoughts are later important? But even if they are, I feel like she was thinking the same things over and over.
  7. Hi, So angels are people enough to live a "mortal life"? Dialogue on page 3 feels stilted. Gets better soon after though. As a whole, I like the whole thing with the telepathy. I really need to learn to do more thorough Alpha critiques.
  8. Hi, The beginning with the lamps I found boring. Also, I like the mystery with how N knows what's going on, but I feel like prophesy is the boring way out here.
  9. Hi I'm only going to agree that this chapter could use a ton of work because you said it first. 1) perhaps try to do the restaurant scene as a flashback? It may be cheap, but perhaps if you slip in some detail about the beginning of the black kings assaults, it may work out. 2) there tends to be - erm - easily available work specifically for desperate women. I think it would be the opposite of the tone of the book right now 3) if the castle would require her, they wouldn't leave a note, they'd send guards, and if she wasn't there, the guards would wait. Probably.
  10. Hi and welcome back! That's one of the most interesting openings I've ever seen. It was radical enough to nearly throw me off, but worked out. While I felt for L, I didn't care about her, merely her situation which is...interesting? I also have no idea why she doesn't run at that point to save her child. At the same time, I appreciate her death; I get the feeling that most authors would give the protagonist plot armor, and this situation warranted the death. Again, welcome back, and I look forward to the rest of the novel.
  11. Hi 1) her father, one day - first comma throws me off 1) got hung over from healing someone - if this was shown, great! I can't remember if you did. Otherwise, it's still a cool detail, but probably should be shown. 1) intent gaze - intense gaze 2) M's didn't - it's unclear. perhaps M didn't? 5) flirty - flirtatious? (if I spelled that right) 6) you have any clue about the supernatural - I'm not sure a person would say that with such conviction - most people would try to phrase it as if they don't believe it so people don't thin that they're insane. This part sounds stilted. 9) like a frozen computer - that analogy doesn't fit how I picture M 9) small of it made her - ? what's that supposed to mean? 10) <> - first time I've ever seen that! : ) 11) ships' - what's with the apostrophe 11) new friends - one day is awfully fast for making friends. unless the time span is longer? 12) it was less time than she - I'm having trouble following this sentence. I have the time and energy to do a line edit here, but I don't usually do them so I hope this was helpful. Overall, I like the pacing of the two separate chapters more than before, but the party seemed glossed over and could have used more detail.
  12. I can totally imagine a mature teenager saying/thinking that.
  13. Hi I probably should critique this and all that, but to be honest, I enjoyed it too much to spot any errors that are probably there. So good job? I don't know why I'm posting.
  14. hi Would there be issues of mixed dining, say a person would be offended that a dragon orders lightly roasted maidens and all that? Also, I like the POV of A, he seems like he's in control and is plucky. pg 1 - back pain would follow - so chiropractors are in high demand and rich? pg 4 - Gun! - is she throwing herself in front of the unicorn, or is she getting out of the way? pg 6 - fire was crawling up - I think that's passive voice, but I'm not even sure if I can identify passive voice so take this with a carton of salt.
  15. Hi I like the first paragraph with the Crunches interspersed between each sentence. It flowed well and carried weight. pg 1 - scabbard strapped to her thigh - if she's been wearing a dagger for any length of time, and I assume she has, wouldn't she have callused over? pg 1 - I can't I wont - the dialogue tag there repeats itself pg 2 - leave the human alone - this line makes me cringe inside. Why doesn't she just attack; why does she waste her element of surprise
  16. Hi, I really like her character - I have a feeling that she and I are going to get along great. Plus, being part half everything magical part psych is really cool. Mi seemed a bit cardboard, but that might just be me. I did get confused with the whole pronoun thing at the beginning, and didn't catch on until page 10.
  17. Thanks.
  18. Hey, I don't know where else to ask this, but is there a thread or a way to post about overarching plots, writing excuses stuff but not actual chapters, etc.
  19. I'll take your word that CH. 2 needed to be revamped. I like the whole "give you what you want so you don't kill people" thing.
  20. Hello! 1) Excellent first line. 2) This may have been intentional, but here there was a lot of showing, and honestly, I'm not invested in I (the character, not a type) enough to care yet. 3) The same applies for her sisters joining. I understand that people in world would care, but I don't. I don't see what difference this BK matters at this point. They all seem fine. 4) In war or right after a war, wouldn't there be shortages of just about everything? the restaurant seems fine, and the family might lack a little, but they still have firewood, water that can easily be purified and enough supplies to make food on a consistent basis. Please tell me if any of my critiques are unfounded.
  21. I missed the display of magic in the first chapter, having it blatant over here is a lifesaver for me and actually pretty cool. I was bored when M attempted to set up the crew while she left - I just didn't care. I wanted to follow M and watch her do her thing. Also, I don't know if J has powers, but if J knew about M's powers, wouldn't he have pulled a knife on J to subdue M? Or maybe I'm just misreading the scene. J and J are two different people - it's confusing. M seems like she could be a masochist - after all, she can't feel anything so she'd do whatever she could to feel what she could. In addition, she seems psychopathic or sociopathic. I get the two mixed up. Again, I don't know if I'm misinterpreting this, but that's what I got on my end, if that's what you intended for the reader to pick up on. Keep on going, Kais!
  22. Once we're going on writing experience, I've completed a rough draft of one novel with a friend for NaNoWriMo, and am currently trying to write another which will hopefully end up under the lens of reading excuses.
  23. Hi! I'm going avoid doing a line by line critique as I'm really bad at it and I find it rather tedious, all things considered. I liked the beginning of the story the first time around from what I remember and now it just feels cleaner. Several things: I'm really curious about M's non-relationship with N. It's kind of like a benign big brother? Also, the whole thing debating birds and bandits seems rather stupid of C and N. One thing that bugged me a bit was when M was describing the continent, it seemed a bit uncalled far, though I can understand that you want to add world building, and when you say that Y is small, right now I'm under the impression that it's a lone continent in their known world, so it feels like a break from reality when you say that. I'm looking forward to the rest of the story though!
  24. Of Author and Agents (a riff on "of mice and men") I hope that makes sense for a thread name.