Turin Turambar

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107 House Lord

About Turin Turambar

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  1. Hi! Skipped the first page due to warnings. 2) "Felt like an aching wound" - nice descriptor. 5) "contorted" - you used the word twice in quick succession and didn't really work in either locale. 7) Make that three times. 9) Thanks for the tech thing with demons. One thing that bugged me in a some of the handful of urban fantasy stories I've read is that they all live in medival times and tech breaks down around them. Can you imagine how much scarier demons would be if they had access to the internet? Or you could actually fight them with firearms? I like the chapter. I think this was the updated version of the old one, if I'm not mistaken? My only question is why I have 3 blank pages at the end.
  2. Yup. I got told I could leave quarantine a couple hours after I was told to go into quarantine. So it ended up that I got a free morning (which I spend writing, of course. )
  3. 1) "mundie" not sure about that. 5) That slip is going going to get her sister killed, isn't it. 8) I'm confused why it matters if people know the BK's name. 9) "the golden haired boy" two things: a) "boy" may or not be race specific. b ) this implies a specific character archetype. Was that intentional? 10) I'm going to agree with @kais that she seems way too happy for what just happened.
  4. Thanks. (The funny thing is, I found out that I may be quarantining now, so there is a possibility that I'll be stuck home for a while.)
  5. Hey guys and gal and everyone else. (this started as guys, then probably it wan't PC. I don't know how do address people anymore.) My life is starting to get crazy, and my access to a computer will probably get down to an hour a week sometime in the near future. For way to many emails, critiquing, and writing. So just giving you a heads up that I'll still be around and I haven't died or something. You're all great.
  6. WELCOME BACK! I think the all caps is deserved. 1) I'm not sure if the first two paragraph recap was the smoothest. Perhaps it could be a relatively short scene (1k words?) that shows the skateboarding and the shielding? 2) "But it wasn't as satisfying..." - LOL. I think her eating habit is an adorable quirk. 2) I thought that she generally shielded so she didn't read people's thoughts. Why is she acting like she does, and she's guilty about it? 3) Her Mom is very cool about her love life. I suppose that it goes with the fact that people probably die at a faster rate, but most parents I know or heard of want their children to settle down with one person. 3) "A claimed" - isn't she a bit young to know what she is? 4) I get the feeling that her mom is the kind of person to have made the gauntlets real armor. 6) are the smily's supposed to be double? 10) The conversation with M afterwards actually deflates the tension both from the impending doom and the concern for the hikers. OVERALL: Always happy to critique, but I'm not sure why you wanted to send an earlier chapter.
  7. Hi! I think the idea of blending the two parts together was a good one; the plot driven bit carries through the second half and lets me enjoy it without wondering what happened to the story. The first part with the crier was good, but now I want to see it happen. Personally, I think that a census would have been a good idea regardless, but that's not the characters, just me. I still feel like something is lacking with the musicians. It was fun to watch, but I felt like there was too little tension, and I could just skip it and find out what happens next, knowing that she had a good time with her musician friends. Seeing her cook was like a treat itself. She finally got something she liked. Yay!
  8. To start: welcome @Mordecai. Bows. I'm a legolas dude.
  9. Hi! 1) gawked aristocratically - sounds like an oxymoron statement to me... 1) betrayed the hunger of their class - the prose is confusing here. I think I know what you mean, but I'm still scratching my head in confusion. 1) but that had been before - before what? I'm not invested enough in the story to care yet, so this just pushes me out rather than pulls me in. A couple more words might be enough to ease the confusion while still keeping the mystery. 2) I'm not sure if your description of revescents is genius or mediocre. I could figure out what they were from context but I'm left unsatisfied. That might just be me. 3) That T. She'll sense if we phrase our objection properly - ok...these are meaningless words right now. 3) possibilities, heretical ones. why are they heretical. I don't even know what this artifact is/does. 3) Is this man Lunamor in disguise? (I'm joking, obviously.) 4) Woman. Who is she? What does she care - unless she's a relative of his. Well, that was in medias res. I thought that it was a cool angle. I stopped focusing on a line-by-line and started to focus on the whole story once he left the thingy. On the other hand, I feel like you dumped so much of the world on me in one shot, I'm drowning. You use the word 'revescent' like you think I know what it means, and I know absolutely nothing about it. It's some kind of illusion magic, but more than that... I like what the details give me, but it's hard to get anything at all, because it's all fragmented. The last thing that was hard to work through was the prose. It's pretty in its own way, not purple at all, in my opinion, but it's difficult to get through. Also: Ath's speach is difficult to follow and is jarring. Don't ask me how Brandon pulled it off with Rock and Spook, but even the slight difference than normal is really annoying. In summation: Starting in the middle of the mess was both a boon and a bane - I want to see what happens, but at the same time, there's so many little details that makes it hard to follow. The prose is pretty, though it's hard to follow.
  10. Welcome to the ship, @Stevent.
  11. Hey @Alderant, Welcome back! I don't recall you being here before, but I'm also one of the newer members. I'm just commenting to tell you that I saw this and DON'T CARE. Don't get me wrong here. Whatever you're going through is way worse than anything I ever had to deal with, so I can't even say that I can sympathize with you. I can barely even imagine it. When I say I don't care, I don't care what your orientation is, your skin color is, gender, or religion. It makes no difference in how I'd treat you. My personal philosophy is that all that matters as that you're a good person with some amount of common sense, and I'm sure that you are. I'm not going to stiff you in any way because of any of those. I appreciate you giving me the background information. Hat off to you. I don't know if I could have been as honest with just about anyone. I can't wait you see you around!
  12. Hello "INSERT STAKES HERE." I can relate. 1) Name of your spy - I'm missing something here. Spy? 2) all I can tell you - all that I know - so she's willing to tell I everything? 3) why is she trying to memorize her? 6) how many city of bells are there in fantasy/real life? 8) potluck was probably the best thing to try to drag I there. 10) Did we see him before? OVERALL: The plot is (finally) progressing somewhere - at least, I'm assuming that it is. I feel like I've been led around too long with things happening but not enough connectivity from scene to scene. The scenes do flow from one to another, but that's only because it follows logically, not because of cause and effect. That made nearly no sense, but it's hard to explain. I like the story, and the world, but I want to see the story do something. I think I suffer the same problems though, so don't worry too much about them.
  13. No. But I'm going to try to throw them in when I can.
  14. I totally want all of my comments to be LotR memes from now on.
  15. That's what I'm doing. No comment one way or the other.