Turin Turambar

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73 Idrian Monk

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  1. Hi before I start, where can I find the revised chapters? I want to look at them. 2) C was perched on it. Cars drove down. I'm not sure that the double sound works. 2) I don't have any milk - wow, he's definitively a college dude. 2) wait, there was a problem with her phone? I don't remember this. Probably my fault. 2) Blackout protocol? did anyone mention this earlier? I don't remember. Something on Mi's end, I assume, if he's worried enough to dig through M's texts. 3) ahh, yes. It would help if I read a few lines later. 4) when did he find out that the recording was M? 8) so this is the whole I like you so I have to stay away from you angryfest. Ok. OVERALL: fine, and most of my problems with this chapter is that I can't remember what happened in earlier chapters. Other than issues on my end, I liked it besides the fight at the end, which feels a bit cliched.
  2. I use google drive and love it.
  3. Well, write what you know, I suppose.
  4. Well, I'm barely on the charts (perhaps 1%/2% if of the national average) but I personally try to stay away from alcohol. I'm too afraid of what would happen.
  5. Skipping due to warning. Am I missing anything important?
  6. Hi! In your CH 10, are you using the word "Karma" right? last I checked, it's complicated. 1) I like the repercussions to the attack. 1) are we talking about the same demon attack? if so, how did she not drive since Aug.? 1) that probably makes driving that much easier if she uses minds instead of cars. 2) P.2 that's sad. 5) this breakdown...works for me? 9) why does she have such a low alc. tolerance? Is she particularly small or something? Also, she can't heal herself - right? (I'm thinking of Shallan's 'detective work') 11) I'm glad someone's responsible. Overall: I'm liking each individual scene, but while I see the connecting threads, they feel kind of random. I know that this criticism isn't really true, so ignore me here, but I figure I should put it down here. I'm rambling. Sorry.
  7. Hi! Uh...OK? I read it then felt like I'm missing something important. I thought most of the story that the troll was her polymorphed father. I'd say I liked it, but again, I'm missing something. Also, I feel like you jumped too much. Ignore me if you think that I'm nitpicking or blatantly wrong.
  8. @PiedPeterPiper I don't mind so much, I just think that it loses its impact and starts to feel cheesy if it's used too often.
  9. @shatteredsmooth - I'll try to read it if you'd like. I don't have a manuscript of my own to trade though. (Half of why I like reading excuses is so I have good reading material). I'm normally a quick reader, though I feel like my reviews tend to either be superficial or focus on one or two writing techniques that are on my mind at the time.
  10. Hi! Thanks for submitting; welcome! 2) it took until page 2 to get some context of what's going on. You're right about your writing, but I'm just going to call that a writing style and enjoy it for what it is. 3) I REALLY like the whole "but no--" until the end. that feels right, especially the last line of that segment. 4) the parentheses are completely telling. It doesn't bug me all that much, though so whatever. 6) Do you start every section with a power line? (like "Raodin woke up that morning, completely unaware that he had been doomed for all eternity") (Quoted loosely from memory from the first sentence Elantris, for those who need it sourced) 6) so is the cutoff a different POV of the same event? 8) oh yes it is. This is actually pretty awesome. OVERALL: I really like the story, as far as I can tell, and the characters feel right. I personally am getting a bit tired of interplanetary difference but that's nothing against your book. Your stream of consciousness writing, while occasionally distracting, works besides that. The part that was written by two POV's was awesome, but for some reason it felt very on the nose. Looking forward to the rest!
  11. Hi! 1) Why is she so sure that the demon was after Mi and not her? 2) is it just me or is this one of those instances where everything would work out if they only talked to each other instead of saying "I don't want to talk about it"? 2) doesn't she have hormones? or is not human enough for that? 5) if her mom is cornered, why does she waste time calling other hunters? Nearest I can guess, she just wasted a good five-ten minutes or so. 6) no heaven? 6) so the between is essentially the realm of magic? Or is the me projecting my own stereotypes onto it? 7) M can project thoughts. If she lost control with T earlier, wouldn't she have possibly slipped up there? or accidentally project something to Mi at some point? 8) so knives are enough to take down big monsters. Please tell me that they're magic. 9) fancy latin banishing - LOL. does it matter what they say/think? or as long as the intent is the same. 9) she were in its mind - that sounds like a horrible idea. To be fair though, you made it pretty clear that she's outclassed, so drastic measures make sense. OVERALL: well, now lets carry on through the plot!
  12. Part II: 1) the wine - she's conscious enough to tell? OVERALL: no real comments. I liked the scene, and there was some solid action and reveals that kept the scene moving. The only thing I'd say is I'd like to have met the person who did this before, but for all I know I already did (the mastermind, not the grunts who carried it out.) I like M's use of her blood and all that, and it didn't feel like deux es machina because I already knew that she couldn't die.
  13. Hi I'll probably do this in two posts, depending on my time. 1) pastry of a dress? 2) dragons - this is coming a bit late...now I don't know if this is relevant to plot, or world building. Perhaps it's just me; I really like dragons. 2) how did they get tailored to fit? I don't recall any kind of dress mess. 2) how would she know how rich people dressed their kids. 2) almost with a straight face - I had to read that twice to figure out what you're trying to say. 2) V between your eyebrows - do they have the English alphabet? why? 3) dragons again 3) for the nerd in me (nothing to do with the story) I want to know what's with the custom of everyone matching 4) I'd say she's probably supposed to stick with her charge (you may have mentioned something like that; I don't remember) so of course she wanders off at the first opportunity. 5) weapon gifts! I'm suddenly really interested in this castle's culture. Please tell me the weapons have matching sigils or something? [I read the next line - personally, I think that'd be cooler that bits of paint] 5) didn't you just say that the weapons were assigned? How is she supposed to pick one? 6) But she had no reason - M didn't strike me as a curious type for things that don't matter to her. 6) durian...durian...durian...excuse me, but what is a durian? 7) why is she panicked? I know she likes N, but then wouldn't she be angry? Jealous? The guards bother her, but again, it just doesn't seem in her personality to care about things that don't relate to her. 8) "Explain, or be escorted" - that's the type of line that makes me cringe. Every time. 12) OK. 3rd time's the charm. WHAT'S WITH THE DRAGONS! 14) dug into the lean-to 14) so how did she know her name in the beginning, and how did she expect M to know her? 15) so one vision in your life...but a different one every year? I'm confused about precogging. 17) why doesn't this cause a bigger scene? an attendant scooping N up, breaking her hoops (I assume it'd make a sharp sound that people can hear) and carrying her across the room? 18) without trying the wine. How stupid is the guard for slipping like that. On second thought, why would they tell the guards something like that? Overall: Foreshadow dragons earlier. Also, I never got the impression that M much cared about things that don't pertain to her, though it's important to the scene. I like the emotional outburst in the middle, and the tension (though unwarranted.) Still, some stilted text threw me out of the scene several times.
  14. Hi! 1) do you have some sort of mechanical system behind the scenes about M's spending of energy? 2) It was completely innocent - well, I don't know about that. 2) The conversation between A and T and M is surprisingly entertaining about the definition of sleep. LOL 2) Go to the gym - I can sympathize. 4) MMA? I had to look it up. 5) I get the feeling that M wants them, but there doesn't seem to be any romantic tension for M. Mostly, she seems to like M more. [I have to resist making chocolate candy jokes here.] If you're trying to make a love triangle, I think that two of those legs seem to be failing. 8) Triangle still doesn't work. All of the emotions come from the other two girls. 10) If he doesn't have gender, how is he her dad? Also as an angel, does he care about her orientation? Well, this was a fun chapter. I kind of wanted to see M walk in on M and her dad, though that would probably break the pacing and whatnot. Keep up the novel!
  15. Hi! 1) well, that infodump happened fast... 3) "P had been much younger" ditto. 6) Is this the same story with the automaton and the scholar who with the pet? 11) I'm not sure who is who at this point. The At is the protag, and then there are the two girls. The other A is his master? Overall...the prologue seems like a lot of infodump in the beginning, but I like the necklace bit. Also, I feel like there are too many people for the first scene for me to follow. I enjoyed it, but I don't know why I should look forward to the next chapter.