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20 Awakened Object

1 Follower

About Atium

  • Birthday 11/11/2004

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  • Gender
  • Location
    Somewhere lost in the Cosmere
  • Interests
    Reading books, math, flight, space, MTG,
  1. 1. Is it interesting to anyone beside me? I found it interesting. 2. Did you guess what was going to happen too soon/too late? Is it too obvious or too non-obvious? I guessed it too late (completely missed it), so I found it too non-obvious but afterwards it made sense and I could see the clues. (Then again I am horrible with foreshadowing) 3. General thoughts on character and description - do they fit the scope of the story? I liked the character of Winter Bird and I felt that she fit the story (and the ending), The mother reacted realistically, though I didn't feel invested in her character, more so in Winter Bird. In the beginning you used a little too much description for the colors of objects, but other than that it was good. 4. Anything else you notice Are the trees covered in Red and Orange leaves or are they leafless skeletons, or both? Is the other ghost the Grandmother? She recognizes it so I think so, but we are never told. *5. Forgot to mention I could also use title ideas, as this title is more of a place holder. * I think the title fits, and if you are looking for a different one Winter Bird, or possibly something along the idea of Shadows in the Fog
  2. Your Questions: 1. Based on the opening, do you think you could pick this up without reading book 1? Why or why not? Or, if you read book 1, does this catch you up with the characters without boring you or feeling too forced? I might be able to pick this up, depending on the next few chapters. I don't understand the magic system(s?) and would require a explanation of those somewhere later. 2. What details about the characters, their backgrounds, book 1, or the story's world seem unnecessary or irrelevant to explain here? Is there anything you have questions about that should be answered in this chapter? I have no idea what will be relevant, and irrelevant later, so I can't say. 3. M is supposed to be a bit of a mess. Does that come across? Does it set up for some kind of family drama subplot with her and E? She seems quite fine, other than she seems to be having a bad day. 4. Do you care enough about J that you will want to root for E to save him when he gets abducted by demons in the next chapter? I would root for E to save him, but not as much as if I knew the character 5. The betas said book 2 didn't have as many "feels" as Book 1. And they wanted more "feels". Do this chapter have "feels?" It has some feels, but I have a hard time becoming emontally invested in a character. 6. Are there any places you can't follow the dialogue? “And Mi, my mom, Grandpa, Sister Ma, N, and K’s lives. That bomb was meant to take them all out. This whole mess is my fault anyway. I- Don’t even think it.” Whose thoughts are these? Notes as I go Along: Page 2, Paragraph 4, From "if" to Bleachers": I'm confused, is N the grandmother. If so why would she summon a thunderstorm? Page 6, Paragraph 1, “...we pretty had this conversation...” do you mean “...we pretty much had this conversation…” Page 6, Paragraph 5 “The Hell known as…” Should hell be capitalized? Page 6, Paragraph 5 “...all actual Hell from breaking loose…” should this be capatized as well? Overall: I enjoyed the surpirzes and the world. I haven’t invested in the characters enough to sypathize with them, but as stated above I have a hard time becoming emontally invested in a character. I enjoyed the relationship between E and M the most. Disclamer: I have not read Power Surge.
  3. Overall: I Loved E and M's parts, especially the Ar. S's part felt a little off, but I have no idea why. While I go along: "...the way the gigantic crystal translated intent" This keeps coming up... “Then that means they have more Ar. More than In, and more than the one that attacked F." I think it works better without the second part. "A hush hung over the gathered representatives," "“fifty thousand beings inhaled” Is the second part an exaggeration, or is there a lot of groups that need representation. “That was better done that many others..." This sounds a little off, it might work better as "that was done better by many others" but I may be wrong here. "M’s list of two-house maji," Is this refencing people who belong to two houses, or the society?
  4. Notes as I go along: - "I need to tell M A the sensory information I got" This feels a little off, I think it should be just information - I liked the new POV, - "Who knew what a semi-sentient giant crystal got up to?" "R knew the translation it offered was helpful, but that didn't mean it wasn't creepy as well." So it's not just me who thinks this is creepy. - "the old man what was in charge of the Nether," This feels off but I don't know why... - "R jerked up in his seat. That was impossible. The Ar were extinct." I think it would end better with out this part
  5. If I don't call any out, wouldn't I still end up with a white default land?
  6. Thank you @Mandamon, @shatteredsmooth, @Robinski and @kais (think I did that right) "She threw the guards backwards, slamming them into the walls behind them." I should probably clear this up, she used magic to accomplish this. That's more or less my plan, this would be a short story that would fit into the larger story. Didn't plan out a arc, I am using this to find where I am have problems with my writing I have it that using magic amplifys a person's emotions, I should have put that in there. Actually, this is the only monarchy I have created, so probably should fix that. It is a gun, probobly should have cleared that up. Might be told... depending on how I use this Probably should clear this up, Probably should have do that. I have it that some of the guards have spears, do to the cost, time and resources of manufacturing a gun Guns are a more modern invention than cameras (in my timeline), and I have created a way for color photos to exist this way, because it may come up later. Should have put in a small detail earlier about this. I should fix that... Might be a answer, Probably should work more on the characters. That it was. I use it when i have a name or dialogue (Because I am horrible at it) as a place holder, until I can come up with something that is better. He isn't human, so I probably should have stated that.
  7. Hi all, This is a short story (I think), I am looking for anything, but I am mostly looking for advice on the magic system, and the character (I know there isn't much). I am also looking for random uses of the letters TK (in that order, possibly with some combination of letters before or after it), and over use of commas. There isn't too much gore, but it's there so... Thanks in advance!
  8. I’ve always wondered, why doesn’t plate scream?
  9. Might have something for monday
  10. I have three magic systems that I would like some advice on. (The names are placeholders) Each person has a spark, the strength of the spark controls the strength of the magic. The "spark" is attuned to some form of magic. (All magics are genetic) 1) Gravitational Magic 1: A person can "push or pull" on any substance or object 2) Gravitational Magic 2: A person can increase or decrease the weight of any substance or object. (Their is a limit of how much weight a person can change) 3) Chip Control Magic: A person can place a small "chip" on anything within a certain size, and will be able to control that for a limited amount of time. Living things can not be controlled.
  11. I have had a problem with one thing, other than that I enjoyed this piece. I loved the ending: “Maji and apprentices,” She gasped, “you are all required immediately at the Dome of the Assembly. The leaders of the Life Coalition have appeared, and demanded a place in the Great Assembly.” "...that the Council was keeping a close watch on them." With the attack on the assembly wouldn't that cause the Council to worry and/or want to investigate the attack. SO wouldn't that give them access to resources that they didn't have, and help from them?
  12. Disclaimer: Jumping in with almost no context. I enjoyed this for the most part with the exception of two things: "He had told them to listen to the Earth and the world around them, and if they felt an impulse to do something, then that was what they needed to do." Earlier he said “Then today’s plan can be to figure out how your clairvoyance works.” I'm confused, does he or doesn't he know how this works? "The capsized ship lifted too, just enough so there was a head’s width of air under it." Earlier she was having difficulties lifting herself, from what I understand a sailboat can weigh anywhere from 120lb - 3200lb (
  13. Does odium have a perpendicularly, if so where was during the battle of Thaylen field (don’t know if that is spelt right).
  14. If I were to coat the hilt of nightblood in aluminum, would it still consume investiture from me?
  15. 1) The sibling 2) More singer POVs 3) More shadesmar 4) Fused bondsmith (If possible with the unmade)