Jorville

Members
  • Content count

    120
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Community Reputation

57 Lighteyes

1 Follower

About Jorville

  • Birthday 03/03/1986

Contact Methods

  • Skype
    Jamerlon

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Honolulu, Hi
  • Interests
    Reading(fantasy of course), gaming(PC, table top, D&D), Hiking, History, Philosophy.

Recent Profile Visitors

276 profile views
  1. Yeah, going over it again I see that. I made reference to their main antagonists but I forgot to really showcase them as their own group. lot of other good point that you went over here as well. Also I am still being lazy about sending my critiques on AK for you, I promise I will get to that soon .
  2. I see what you mean. Gonna take a look and change the wording see if I can make that more clear. They are assuming who it is. they really don't know. I am being vague on purpose, but I will take a look and see what I can to give more description if you think its a good idea. So the gods each have a primary trait and two sub traits V is specifically the god of valiance, decisiveness, and heroism. Each god follows the same format. I didn't want to try to explain all that as I felt it would be too info dumpy. Yeah I see you point, definitely should put that in the description sooner. Yes, I will try to make that more clear. So, breaking the siege isn't really F's point. She just wants to help humanity. She isn't suggesting a course of action to break the siege. Regarding the depth of the others, I understand what you are saying but I didn't want to make this too long and give them a lot of 'Air time' in order to give them some more depth. you think that that is necessary? All good points. I haven't really done a lot of looking over for those things. I will adjust that when I go through for other things. I will say I kept forgetting to not capitalize god in this situation. I had to go back and change that many times so its natural that I misses several. I will be honest here, I used 'top priority' because I couldn't think of another word to use. I did put it in there thinking I was going to change that when I found a better way to say that. As far as Ky's use of the phrase it is intentional. I am having trouble with the words to explain him right now but I have a more full spectrum view of him. I know that really doesn't address your issue but I think its appropriate. You have a good point. The truth is that he's desperate for a way out and the offering makes that easy due to its relative power. When you're up against a wall and someone gives you a way out then its hard for you not to take it. So its the baseline creation force of the universe. I'll try to clear up the awkward phrasing though. Yes, I read that again and agree that it sounds weird. going to see what I can do clear that up. I am going for a jarring irreverent feel whenever Ky comes in. That's him taking the bite out of the apple I am not sure how to keep it short and sudden without doing something like that. Do you have a suggestion? So, isn't one of the 7 gods that make up group that we focus on here. However all the gods follow an aspect or ideal of humanity and Ky is part of that broader spectrum.
  3. Thanks, I appreciate that. I understand that it may be cliché and honestly I am not that surprised. I think that when you deal with gods and such that it kind of lends itself that way. I was going for grandiose, I am not sure what you mean by "Stock movie phrases." if you could identify an example that would help me make them more original. There is a reason it is this way. Though not necessarily part of this story there is some deeper interplay with the gods than it may seem on the surface. lol, I will have to take a look at that. I don't remember the show well enough. K isn't a villain though. haha, I didn't even think of that. one of K's hallmarks is his irreverence for everything. I felt having him talking around bites of apple was a way to do that. I choose apple because I like apples, they are delicious and good for your teeth. This is not a god reborn as human story. With the exception of K(he has a bit role later on) all these gods will not appear in the actual story.
  4. So this may be a little misleading. I remember a episode of Writing Excuses where I think it was Howard said "If you have a prologue and it involves your main character, why isn't it chapter one?" That one has really stuck with me. None of the characters in the prologue(with the exception of K, and that is really a bit part) do I plan to appear in this book. I supposed that it would eventually be close to a "god in mortal body" story but its not quite that. I see what you mean, I will take another look at the phrasing here. Yeah, I tend to have issues with comma usage. Its one of those thing I keep telling myself to look into and get a better understanding but playing video games holds much more potential fun. hmmm, I will take a long look at this to try and clear of confusion. I have a notation file with all the human gods in it and a brief description. Each god has a primary trait and two sub traits that are taken from human ideals. For example Sh. Justice, Honor, and Wisdom. F is Mercy, Compassion, and Empathy. I was trying not to be info dumpy here and it seems I have made things unclear. Thanks for the feedback @Mandamon. It wasn't easy for me to see the confusion since I'm the one writing it.
  5. So, got something new for everyone. As the subject line implies this is a prologue to a different story that is a work in progress. As is the title, though its so original that I might keep it. Grathgar is not featured in this scene at all. This takes place is in the Citadel, the home of the Pure. These are the gods of humanity. They are under attack by an unknown enemy and their leader is missing. Sheil, the god of justice has take the role as leader. They are trying their hardest but they are fighting a loosing battle and having trouble admitting as much to themselves. It begins as they are holding a council meeting. The second part I added recently, around a few days ago because I felt that it wasn't really finished the way it was. This scene doesn't hold a lot of action. there is a little bit of tension but I am worried it is too boring. As always the help is appreciated. Thanks, J
  6. Hey @Robinski, I caught up on the story this week. Rather then revive all the previous threads I will send you the comments on 5-10 privately. I haven't read any of the other comments so forgive me if I repeat anything others have said. Overall: I really felt the intensity of this moment was captured well. it really felt like a desperate struggle. I feel like J is a little wishy washy but that might be just my like of decisive characters in general. there were a few unclear spots to me but that is to be expected in action sequences like this. As I was reading: -pg 108, C fell in an arc. This evokes a weird image to me. when someone falls its mostly in a straight line down. she jumps in an arc but then once the fall starts it should move to a straight line downward very quickly. I'm probably getting to nit picky on the physics of falling. -pg 108, With the way you have been describing the tiger is affecting J I would think he would be thinking of the world in terms of threat and non threat. The lucidity of the thoughts about G are a little weird. -pg 108, The use of the word murder seems at odds with the way tiger has been described as affecting J. If it is indeed the same thing with C as with J then I would think death would be more appropriate. murder to me implies conscious human will and evil, death implies a more predatory instinctual thing. -pg 111 the line "throw fire as in fireside legends" sounds repetitive. -pg 111, In the last paragraph the there needs to be a little more distinction between his animalistic thoughts brought on by the tiger and his more conscious human thoughts. it doesn't feel like the tiger is affecting him even though he says it is. -pg 114, 1st paragraph, the action sequence isn't clear here. it seems like the attack breaks the momentum of his charge but that isn't the case apparently. Its unclear. -pg 115, 1st paragraph the flow of the second sentence is weird. might work better with though instead of although. -pg 115, 2nd paragraph, it sounds like G is in the fetal position on the ground, but I am not sure that is what you are going for.
  7. I know it's been forever but I would like to post this Monday as well.
  8. Thanks @Robinski and @industrialistDragon I was looking for more specific words for specific accents but my wording was someone vague. I have never heard patois is that a more British thing?
  9. Howdy folks, Things finally calmed down around here. Good news is that I have found some good time to write. Bad news I am waking up an hour early to do it. I'll be able read some subs here this week and finally put up some comments again. I do have a question for you though: What terms are there for accents? I have heard lilt and burr, used for Irish and Scottish respectively, but I can't remember many common descriptors for other accents. Maybe I am not well enough read to have come across it. I thought I would run it by you all.
  10. Yeah, I have been looking into that. I ended it there mostly because I originally wanted to keep it short. but that no longer being the case I am thinking I will be adding some more maybe expand the "fall" of M into more villainy then they way it ends now. I am still formulating stuff because I don't really want to cut stuff because I feel its more essential to how the story falls out. I think if I try to strip it down I will make it more boring.
  11. Yeah that seems to be the consensus, so it looks like I am going to expand a lot of stuff. I was likely going to put a lot of stuff backward, maybe showcase M and her home islands, also I might put in an E perspective. I have a lot of ideas where to go. Is it still worth submitting the rest of it for you guys to look at if I am going to make some drastic expansions?
  12. it's about 25k words and you have read about 1/2 to 2/3 of the way through.
  13. @Majestic Fox, Essentially a first. I say essentially because I had some fantasy enthusiasts read it along with my wife. I added about 10k words after that. but they were all in the beginning, the back half is mostly the same as it was. I didn't have anything like a writing group or anything look at this.
  14. Thanks for the critiques @kais. Lots of good points. Will definitely try to work some stuff in there.