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AviatrixAway

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  1. Hello! I thought that this was entertaining, but I was a little bit confused at the beginning. Pg. 1: I'm a little confused as to what water frames are. At the moment, I'm just assuming that they're weaving frames that somehow incorporate the use of water in the weaving or dying process? Pg. 1-3: I was a little confused by the snapping from one reality to another. I could see it as the chapter progressed, but with each change my brain was double-checking to make sure that what it read was really what was happening in the story, and was working a little harder to visualize. I'm not sure how to fix this, as slips between reality are notoriously hard (for me) to write, but I though I'd note it. Pg. 4: I appreciated the look of concern on Sa's face. It shows some compassion and depth of character. It is contradictory, though, as he was the one who shoved So. in there. What is his relationship to the factory and the people in it? If he's guilded, then are the factory workers ok with him being there? Pg. 5: This was likely covered early in the book, but I'm confused by the term "unbound." Again, this is just because I'm coming in late. This whole scene reminds me of a sort of opposite Luddite rebellion. Very interesting. Pg. 6: M's reaction to S's question is interesting, and makes me think that she did see Sa., and just didn't want to talk about it right then. Pg. 9-11: I feel bad for S during this section. I know that they're rushing through town to escape an angry mob, and that S wants to talk, and M wants to hurry, but it seems unfair that M should be angry at S. If she didn't want S to follow her to the factory, she should've left a note. Beyond that, the witch was hardly S's fault, nor was Sa's presence, which does bear noting, S's fault. If M just wants to discuss these things later, then she should say earlier what she says on pg. 13. Pg. 10: I'm super interested to hear more about why the guilders can't remember their crafts. Pg. 12: I wonder that M is so unconcerned by the witch, who seems like a major threat. Isn't she worried about S, knowing that S is having to deal with a witch who wants S to do one thing, and M's making S do another? Pg. 14: On the other hand, there is a mob behind them, and now is not the best time for S to mention sitting down and having a convo. Pg. 16: Well. That mood changed quickly. It's believable, though.
  2. Alright, everyone. Many, many thanks for your critiques. Your wishes have been answered. The first chapter is gone as though it never existed.
  3. Hello Everyone, Thank you for any critiques that you might share regarding my first sub here. I'm interested in everything, but most of all I'd like to know if the characters and the story are compelling. Thank you! Best, AviatrixAway
  4. I thought that the pacing in this chapter was good, and I found S believable as a sheltered 17-year-old. I'm wondering, though, why M wouldn't have awakened her or left a note (though you do deal with this to some degree by saying that her disappearance is "M like"). I'm a little bit confused regarding Sam's lineage. We figured out that he's Sam, and that he's S's brother, but if that's the case, why would he be considered a foster if Amanda had chosen to take him in? Or is he only S's half brother? Or is this simply part of the culture that was discussed previously? Another point of curiosity is why S wasn't curious when Sam beat S up in the first place. It seems as though people in the other places that S has visited have been rude and/or curious, but not necessarily violent; would S assume that it's because of the question of S's gender (I'm honestly asking; this is not an area of expertise for me)? The other children were helpful. Why not Sam? Wouldn't S wonder? Would S wonder upon meeting Sam again? I also agree with the note on the spirit house; just a little size tag would be good. Final point: that factory is spooky as f. Shades of the Triangle Shirtwaist fire. I hope Magda's ok.
  5. I actually enjoyed most of the description, but I agree with some earlier notes that it might be interesting to start out the story at the ball. This would give us in the moment knowledge of how she's treated, how she acts, etc., rather than reminiscences of same. I also wonder (barring the prejudicial discourse we were privy to outside the dressmaker's shop), if her treatment at the ball was as bad as she thought it was, largely because she comes across as kind of arrogant and a little fragile. If she's created an arrogant demeanor as a reaction to constant criticism, and her internal dialogue is something different, then some mention of that might be beneficial. Another aspect that stuck out for me is that she physically attacked her father. I know that she has skill as a warrior and I know that her society is female dominated, but this seems like a pretty intense reaction toward someone who was trying to comfort her. Finally, I do find her skin tone and hair color paired with the word "savage" problematic. I know that this is how other people see her, and she is far from it, but the connotations are still there. I hope this is helpful!
  6. The only thing that stuck out for me as something to work on was the impending cultural changes. I would expect some groups of isolationists to come forward, as Grumv society seems to function well as it is. I'd also expect a huge amount of excitement over contacting other species and cultures, unless there's a great deal of secrecy over what the platform is for. This could potentially cause instability within the city, causing even more tension through the story. I appreciated the explanation of the Grumvs' gender, and saw the hint of a middle grade style romance between Avi and the main character. Perhaps I was reading too much into the relationship, but that's how it was starting to come across to me. If that is the case, or if it's not the case, I think that some clarifications may be necessary shortly, especially if it's the case that individuals from different species don't pair off. Particularly interesting to me was the naturalist aspect, and the idea that their findings could confirm the largely disbelieved theories of a dead parent; this added stakes to the journey for me, which seemed to be missing somewhat before.
  7. I'd like to submit, if that's alright!
  8. Hi there! I'm new, so my comments will be pretty brief while I'm finding my feet. I thought that this was a solid chapter, with unique world building. The multi-use Arach silk was a nice touch, as was the ability to harvest the crystals by singing to them. I would appreciate an increase in cross-species communication quirks and references to cultural mores. Everyone seems to be remarkably casual with each other. I gleaned from the chapter that seeing entirely other sentient species is a not uncommon thing, but having discovered an entirely new one, I would still be in something of a state of shock regarding their behaviors, their mannerisms, their appearance, etc. Is there any sort of recognition of different species or their markings as beautiful or not? I know that the females were defined as drab, but on both a species and an individual level, I often notice aesthetics as a knee-jerk reaction.
  9. The tension between M and S was excellent, and I'm afraid, having glanced over the previous crits, that I can't add much more. Boots: The issue of the three boots has already been mentioned. The brevity of M's bath: While M's bath did seem short, it wasn't so much that as the fact that she didn't do anything in said bath except sit amongst the rose petals and the steam, which was excellent for tension, but not for cleaning. That being said, I should repeat: excellent for tension. Info dump re: guilds: There was some slight info dumping regarding the guilds, but, honestly, I think that's just how people talk. Sometimes a character has more to say than a sentence or two. At the point where M tells S that she won't push: While I can see how this would decrease tension in some ways, in others I would think that it would be all S could think about afterward. M is basically saying that she's willing, and in a partner that I wanted, that would certainly catch and hold my attention. S would have to be obtuse about this particular aspect of human relations to shrug this off, or be ambivalent as to whether S wants M in the first place. That being said, this is the first chapter I've read; there are likely nuances of which I am unaware.
  10. I'm just starting out here, so my first notes will be brief while I get the hang of things. In answer to your questions: Do the stakes seem high enough? They do, but it seems like it takes a little while to up them. Do the characters and their interactions sound interesting/engaging? They do. Honestly, the most interesting character to me right now is Garrent. I kind of love the idea that he could be coded (for those who are looking) as gay, and I enjoy the twist (for those who aren't looking). I'd kind of like for his interaction with Jehla to create some kind of sexual tension. Is saying that too directive? Just as Garrent could be coded as gay throughout the story, Jehla could be coded as not knowing he's bi. I like the idea that while he's coming up with excuses to hang out with Chari, and while he resents Garrent, he spends just a little too much time thinking of the how he resents Garrent. Do the setting and set-up sound interesting? I think that as long as the set-up progresses quickly, it will be interesting. The setting sounds good, and it makes sense that this monarchy is benevolent if you're trying to avoid cliches. Personally, I'm a little bit of a sucker for a big bad, but things can be more complex and nuanced if you're able to paint the majority of people as morally grey, and still have the reader root for the main. The magic system? I like the idea of the magic system. It's grounded, and it seems to exploit both the ephemeral spark of life in living things and the strength of minerals by being based around bones.
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