1st of Lunch

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About 1st of Lunch

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    Okrahoma!
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    Lunch.

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  1. Interesting...where's the rest?
  2. @Kureshi Ironclaw @Invocation @Keeper Exile @Ookla the Ocelot @Silverbard Alright all, I've made some changes that reflect some of the feedback I got from right here and also some other ideas I had on my own. I've also added a portion that wasn't in the initial sample but I hope you can take time to look at it as it has a decent amount of dialogue and I'm honestly curious as to how it reads. Its not too long of a read, just 4 pages in a Word doc. Thanks in advance for any feedback you provide, I really do try to take it all into consideration as I've not really written much fiction before. The bulk of my writing experience is informational or motivational/inspirational blog type articles... Ironwood Copy 1.docx
  3. @Silverbard, I rather enjoyed it! As for your 3 big questions, 1) I think the beginning is fine. There will be some that may disagree but mostly that will be due to reading preferences. You can't please everybody... 2)As was said before, I think Willow's personality remains to be seen and that's ok. This is only 1 small scene. Keep fleshing it out and it will develope distinctly. Someone recently told me that getting a character's personality can be difficult but I think you have it well in hand... 3) As a father of 10 children, yeah, I'd say she sounds "12 yr. old" enough to me... Good luck with it and I can't wait to read more!
  4. Hey @Silverbard, thanks for the comments! I agree that the flash-backiness (how's that for a word!) is a little out of place. Due to the feedback I received after initially posting I have decided that I will indeed move the offending flashback or possibly scrap it together, working the separate bits of information and background into other scenes. I've been extremely busy lately but am hoping I can post a revision soon. Thanks again, and welcome to the Shard!
  5. Another option is that if you have Word, theres a good chance you are paying for Microsoft Office, which is only like $7 monthly. If so, or if you go that route then you'll have access to Microsoft Cloud Storage and when you open Word it will be right there and can autosave to the cloud - makes it really handy.
  6. I did and I've already read it. I'll leave a review on Amazon for you too very soon but I wanted to let you know that I thoroughly enjoyed it! The storyline was good (I have a few questions but I assume they'll be answered in future sequels). My favorite thing about it was that there seemed to be no cursing, no sexuality, no wanton immorality. I found it to be very refreshing and the story moved along just fine without everyone taking clothes off or screaming profanities, so, thanks for that. My one main critique is the ending. I get that you were trying to setup a bit of a cliffhanger but it seemed a bit sudden. Even with that though, it was still fun. I'll be looking forward to the next installment.
  7. I do believe you are correct - I shall have to make my own! I was trying to be lazy and see if someone had a template but i think I've spent more time now here discussing it than just getting it done! Anyway, thanks for the advice it is appreciated and some of it will indeed be incorporated. Have a Merry Christmas!
  8. Yeah, sorry about that. Thanks for all of the responses! I've seen these posts but I've been kinda busy. Honestly, these are all helpful in ways but not really what I was looking for. When I was a kid I had some Marvel trading cards that had, like, a power graph of sorts. Strength, invincibility, and several other traits with a corresponding bar to show their levels, like the picture attached. I could make one but I thought I would see if one already exists that might cover more than mine would. I'm kinda new to this so I might miss something but I guess that's part of the process. If I get to work on it in the next week or so I'll post it so folks can see it and even use it if they so desire.
  9. Doea anyone have a character creation form, scale or chart they use to help in the creation of their characters? Aside from the neutral good/chaotic good charts... Something that might list out basic characteristics that you could then input the characters levels of said characteristics?
  10. Yeah, I was attempting to "science" the powers out a little and give a plausible explanation- essentially they would expand the carbon to all the rest of the body/wood turning it to carbon steel. I think im just going to leave mysterious though - they just do it. So, the cultural aspect I tricky...the main characters are all from a culture that has been made up/ manipulated by an oppressive but deceptive alien alliance called The Sovereignty. This makes it hard to do much with the "cultural" suggestion as they will be discovering as they go along in the story line that the one the once thought to be their Saviors are truly their captors. That is all I could ask for. Thank you in advance.
  11. Sounds interesting, I like the idea of using sound, both song and speech. And the written word too - cool! How do these interact with one another? Do the users oppose each other? Are they grouped together (jedi vs sith) or are they autonomous individuals with their own will and ambitions?
  12. Anyone else care to take a look? I'm trying to decide if I should give the "magic users" a consequence &/or weakness or not. The reason I wouldn't would be that it's a fairly simple system and I think weakness or consequences might complicate it. On the other hand, maybe it's too simple to be really entertaining and needs the added complexity of conflict. I dunno, you tell me...
  13. @Ooklidean Geometry Thanks for the reply, those are some good questions to be asking. I really want things to stay fairly basic and not get real complex. While the magic definitely is critical to the story it isn't the whole story, just one cog of the wheel out of many. I really like your idea about the Steelbloods being so calloused, even borderline psychopathic. That could get fun, kinda make them Steel Inquisitor-ish. On a different note...I've been away from the shard a month or two and I come back to find everyone's changed the name to Ookla this or that - what's that all about?
  14. So I've been working on this system for a while. It's not very complicated but the main issue is that it so far does not have any real limitations or consequences. Does it really need them being so simple or...? Anyway, without further ado... Magic System: Carving, Woodsmiths, several names... The ability to transform wood into steel, retaining the light weight of wood and the grain. The way it works is basically based on the fact that all known lifeforms are carbon based and the transformation is because the Carvers can manipulate and expand/multiply the carbon content in biological life. While the focus is on trees (some plants) as the most available and easiest form of life to manipulate the power can actually be used on any biological matter with a carbon base. Classes of users: Carvers - with full control over their abilities a Carver can literally mold the shape of wood to his will, warping the grain structures. The carvers in Ironwood (a small village of refugees) are limited by dampening fields, however, although they carve using bladed tools they are also using their abilities without knowing. This is why the good ones can be so good at what they do - the chips just seem to fall away beneath their knives and leave behind beautifully intricate carvings. Tempers - (I'm open to different names for these) Tempers are the hardening aspect here. They are the ones who channel their own energy to harden the wood. Full tempers can harden a piece in seconds with just a thought, Ironwood (in the Village) tempers have to perform complex katas to help them concentrate through the dampening fields enough to slow harden a piece, meaning the process takes hours after the touch, and sometimes takes multiple Tempers. Husbanders - Husbanders have a natural ability to help the trees grow more quickly and to strengthen the grain structure. With all three aspects working in tandem the original Carvers grew trees with the tightest grain structure possible which enabled the Tempers to harden them beyond what normal steel would be and still not be brittle or heavy like equivalent steel would be. Carving would be done before tempering, of course. Woodsmith (Fullsmith) - can do all, though not always 100% in every area. Basically the "Avatar" of the story only there can be more than one at a time. In future books (if I ever make it past book one - lol) I plan for there to be a "dark side" of sorts called a Steelblood. This is where the aspect of using things other than trees comes in to play. A Steelblood is a Fullsmith who can use his abilities to manipulate any material made of organic matter (even if its not living at the time), including human flesh. This is why it has become a forbidden/forgotten art. Carving can be used to make weapons but is not to be weaponized itself. Anyway, there it is so let me know what you think! Thanks!