Syme

I'd also like to submit tomorrow.

I liked most of this story, but was let down by the ending. The scene in the beginning was quite vivid and the visions Brion has are intriguing and disorienting (which I'm assuming is the intended effect). What's a bit problematic is that the protagonist doesn't actually do anything except for at the very end and even then that action didn't feel very well motivated.

I agree with the others for the most part. The first part was intriguing and had a thick atmosphere and the introduction to the magic system was well done. The second part had a very Disney Villain feel to it. I very much enjoy a good villain protagonist, but at least in this first chapter I found nothing at all likeable about Arlon. On a technical note, you should watch where you put thoughts during dialogue scenes. If at all possible, you should have the POV characters thoughts in the same paragraph as his speech (or in a paragraph of its own if its a longer train of thought). So for instance the following is problematic: Here it's better to move that last sentence to the next paragraph. As it is, it gives off the impression that this is Belis's thought, not Arlon's. Overall I think this is an intriguing start, so this works quite well as a first chapter.

I like the voice. It seems gruffy and and direct, which works well for the story. The same goes for the swearing, but then I'm less bothered by swearing than 99% of the population, especially in the anglophone world. I have a hard time writing this critique. Though I liked the atmosphere of the story and the prose is good and the characters reasonably well developed for a short story, I never really got into it. For me it's one of those stories that I think I should like, but don't. Maybe it's just that I'm not too fond of the whole hardboiled detective thing. Sorry that I can't be of more help than that.

Please tell me what you think.

I'd also like to submit on Monday.

All comments and critiques are welcome, even if you've just caught a spelling error.

I'd like to submit next week.

Thank you all for the great critiques. I'm glad you liked it. The stuff she's drinking is a full and balanced diet with all the necessary nutrients mixed in, so her digestive system still works normally. The idea behind that is that the technology in the story is advanced enough to simulate human interaction. The idea behind the simulation is that everyone can be God in their own universe, but if you have many gods that doesn't work so well. Karl might certainly agree with you, but Karen would say that simulated interaction with people is better than real interaction.

The setting came across quite vividly. Unlike Guru Coyote, I did get a strong Mayan vibe from this. The prose was clear and didn't get in the way of the story. I liked the pacing and overall flow of the story. Things keep moving at a nice speed, but there's still enough time for description, so it never feels rushed. The title has a nice ring to it and fits the story well. I didn't get the ending. What exactly does Ichick gain by this ruse? As far as I understood, Ahmakiq will still cut off the town from water, so their situation hasn't improved. The best guess I can come up with is that news of the rebels attacking has somehow changed his mind, but I can't quite figure out why.

I appreciate any comments and critiques, even if it's just a spelling mistake you noticed. I'm especially interested in your thoughts on sensory detail. I'm also very interested in how you liked the romance angle.

I'd like to submit next week.

I like this story. It has good flow throughout and the prose is crisp and enjoyable. The pacing was good; there weren't any passages that dragged or felt rushed. I was thrown off a bit by the "landlord" being a woman. I thought it odd that the protagonist knew exactly down to the second how long transferring the data from the phone took. Wouldn't that depend on the amount of data, its format, etc. ? Considering how bad every single file system known to me is about estimating how long a certain data transfer will take, this seems quite implausible to me. To make it more plausible, you could maybe give us the progress as a percentage along with the rough estimate of how long it'll take based on trials with the dummy phone. I'm with Mandamon in that the first line is excellent. I also especially liked the paragraph about not knowing your mark on page three. There are a lot of powerful lines in this story. This is one I liked especially: Straightforward, but very moving. I would only suggest a tiny alteration: to remove the "But." Without it, I think the message is even clearer and the impact is increased by the parallelism of with the previous sentence. I think the ending wasn't quite as good as the rest of the story. It was a satisfying ending, but it lacked the sort of punch I had hoped for. Still, this is an excellent story and I enjoyed reading it.

Please let me know what you thought of my short story "The Twelfth Daughter."

I'd also like to make a submission tomorrow.

The story flows along nicely and was a pleasant read. The ending was a bit disappointing. There was no resolution as to why the son was tortured and killed or who the murderer was. It also didn't have much emotional impact for me. I like the scene with Anja. She comes across as a vivid and interesting character. What confused my about the story was the time of day between when Sarah gets the message and she and Bob arrive at the graveyard. I had the impression that the first was in the morning (since Sarah had just got up) and the other in the evening. However, that doesn't match the flow of time described between those events, unless it takes them most of the day to get to the graveyard. I would put the genre as urban fantasy.

Thank you both very much for your comments. I'm glad you liked it. It seems the betrayal is more obvious than I thought. That's good to know. As a writer, I always find it very hard to gauge how obvious these things are to the reader.

I think the description is very good overall. I got a vivid impression of the city. The description is quite detailed, which might be a problem in a short story since the pace is quite slow. In a novel having an establishing shot like that is perfectly fine, but in a short story I question the necessity. I especially like the way you describe Harry's leg and how you use that description to work in a little bit of backstory. I agree with everything Mandamon said, so I shan't repeat his points. I was a bit irritated at the use of the plural form of third person pronouns for gender neutrality. I find that jarring enough when reading non-fiction or fiction set in the present or the future, but in a pre-modern fantasy world it sticks out even more. I would suggest either using male pronouns in a gender-neutral sense (probably the best in a pre-modern setting) or making up your own gender-neutral pronouns. Going into nit-picking territory, the following sentence sounds a bit stilted: Instead of "that which," a simple "what" is shorter and sounds more natural. I think this is a good start and the description is vivid and captivating. You have my attention, now I want to know what happens next

Please let me know what you think.

Hi there, I haven't been around here in a while but I have a story to submit for tomorrow if that's all right with you.

I agree with everything Mandamon has said. In addition, I think the story - particularly the back story at the start - suffers from being to generic. Gan has a wife and sons and a father in law and such, but they are all utterly faceless. None of them even have as much as a name. Then he becomes the leader of a faceless country and helps a faceless enemy invade that country for some unspecified reason. I just want more details there, something that will make the story feel real and tangible. Of course this is a short story, so I don't expect detailed world building in every aspect, but you need to show us some glimpses of details and hint at underlying complexity. What I did like about the story was the overall character and plot arc. I also liked the idea of becoming a star and I think this is a good example of what I mentioned above. Here you give us some concrete concepts and show some nice detail and therefore it makes that part of the story feel the most real even though it's the most fantastical. On an unrelated note, I'm sad that you changed your avatar and signature. I liked your Link signature :/

Hi everyone, all the relevant info is in the mail. This novelette has been broken into two parts and this is the first part.

If there isn't anyone wanting to do a last minute submission, I'd like to submit as well.

Thanks for your replies, I'm glad you both liked it. Yeah, maybe I need to dial back the cursing a little to make it more palatable to American audiences. I've read the first chapter of that yesterday. Looks quite interesting in terms of world building and characters, but so far it seems quite lacking in the plot department. Chapter 1 was quite long, but there wasn't any real conflict and it didn't even set up any. Does the story get better in that department in the later chapters? May I ask when you came to that realization? During the last paragraph from the AI's POV or before that? I'm not entirely sure about this either. Maybe I'll just drop that paragraph completely. Thank you very much for pointing this out. I just did a quick search for it and was astounded at how often I used that word in less than two pages. Definitely something I'll watch out for in the future.

Upon re-reading the paragraph, I now understand what you're trying to say. My confusion stemmed primarily from the "it" in the second sentence. The way it's written, "it" should refer to "the force", which makes no sense. I now realize that it refers to "the wall", but that's honestly just guess work based on context and not founded in grammar. In the first sentence there are three things to which "it" might refer ("the sound", "a body" and "the wall"). Also "a hand" is confusing because it doesn't tell us if it's her own hand or her attacker's and "shakes it" is also a bit ambiguous because "to shake" is a verb that's commonly applied to both hands and heads.