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xinoehp512

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xinoehp512 last won the day on January 28 2021

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    Just a little bit Forgotten
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  1. I am restless. Unsatisfied. What I am doing to attain happiness is not working, and I am out of ideas.

    Generous people have offered help, but it has not been enough. The questions I have been asking are not working, and I am similarly clueless on how to proceed.

    What I need most of all is hope. Confidence. My very soul recoils from the thought of failing again; better to withdraw, to cut off caring, than to risk a piece of soul and watch it die.

    To choose happiness is not enough. At any moment, the darkness may strike. The only way to be certain of safety is to box myself off from the world; and by doing so, I push myself away from anyone who could help me. 

    To choose risk is not an option. Do not underestimate my power to sabotage myself, to make my own self-fulfilling prophecies of failure. Better to fold than wager something you don't think you can lose.

    I don't have a soul mirror. I don't know what it is I'm doing wrong. I don't know if I have any hope of fixing it. I don't know how to know what to do. I don't know how to know how to know what to do.

    Even as I write this, I feel the doubt set in. What could this possibly do that everything else I have done has not? What more can I expect than kind, supportive words that my doubts can easily destroy? What more can I expect than apologetic concessions from those who are just as clueless as I?

    The answer, of course, is nothing. I cannot expect to gain anything by making this post. The only reason to do it at all is to satisfy the part of me that needs to do something, to stave off the despair of the lost for one more moment. And because I cannot expect a response that would satisfy that part of me, I must remove the possibility of disappointment. To that end, I ask of you only one thing:

    DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS MESSAGE.

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