Mandamon

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Mandamon last won the day on February 26 2013

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About Mandamon

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    Complex and Unnecessary
  • Birthday May 26

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    Male
  • Location
    North Carolina
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    Practicing and Teaching Karate, Reading, Writing, Gaming, Tinkering
  1. Ah. I think I can make this clearer. Yes, anyone from the house of healing could do this, but E was considering using her Ari powers, so I was intending to show she wasn't thinking enough about being a majus and sort of panicking. Thanks!
  2. Awesome! That's just what I want. Excellent. I can cut this back then. Can clarify. Yes, using Ari abilities, but not to change to someone else's, just to change the focal length of her eyes. Ari don't have to assume a specific other body. I'll try to clarify. I was intending their conversation to be masked by everyone else in the seats around them. Think about having a private conversation in two seats at a football stadium, or something like that. I can clarify that they're speaking quietly. I agree. I think I may need to stick another section in with S's (or someone's) immediate reaction to the reveal at the Assembly, rather than him thinking about it days after. Thanks so much, @shatteredsmooth!
  3. No, I agree something like this should come at the beginning, to give plenty of time to work it out in the story. I don't dislike J for it, but I feel like he's the only one who isn't stepping up, and it's his child. All the others are accepting of the situation and making plans. He's just a ball of wimp. Maybe look at the proactive/competent/sympathetic sliders for J to see where he's not engaging with readers.
  4. If you've got enough coordination to twist a balloon animal, you can do martial arts...
  5. Glad to be reading more of this, and I'm looking forward to the full release! Answers to your questions: 1. The very opening Epigraph feels kind of forced, and I think the first few lines need a better hook. Once I get into it, it keeps my attention. 2. I read the first book, and this was a good level of refresh to get me re-acquainted. 3. Ehh...yes and no. M comes across as confusing because there needs to be better blocking around where she's communicating from. Aside from that, she's still directing and helping out E, so if she's a mess, she's still capable enough to help others around her and keep it controlled. 4. The whole pregnancy thing makes me question him a lot more. I was on board with J in the first book, after we get explanation as to what's happened to him. Here...he's made some really poor decisions. 5. I got feels from it. Plenty of PDA. 6. I noted one or two places below. Notes while reading Pg 1: I'm not really feeling the epilogue as a start to this book. It's a bit like trying to mush together a recap in 100 words. pg 3: "J was all sharp angles like broken glass", and "J actually looked like a healthy weight instead of a skeleton with skin and hair." --These two sentences seem at odds, especially in the same paragraph. pg 4: "the voice of my conscience, also known as..." --Wait, is M in this scene? She hasn't been mentioned yet. From reading on, it seems like she isn't? Is E talking to her over a long distance? I didn't know M could do that. pg 4: I get that E is anxious over graduation, but I'm not sure why. You mention they were excited until the events of the first book, but I don't understand why they aren't excited now. pg 4: "You’re testing my meds, aren’t you? I thought at M" --Still don't know where M is. pg 5: "I turned around, opening my Sight to look at the family section of seating" --Okay, so they're all in the audience. Might need to get this blocking earlier, or at least mention it. pg 5: "And M, my mom,..." --I didn't get this was M talking until E answered. Might need a tag. pg 6: "and returned my seat, my chest felt lighter." --This also seems contrary to their bout of anxiety at the beginning. I understand that anxiety doesn't make sense a lot of the time, but maybe E can make a guess, just to keep the reader from wondering and popping out of the story. pg 9: “A little over three months pregnant,” --Ok, was not expecting that. I guess these folks don't use protection? pg 10: Very tense section! Well done. I'm still wondering at how it happened, but I suppose I'll find that out later. pg 11: “I did now.” --took me a minute to figure this out. I think it's supposed to be “I did not.” pg 12: "But this time, I was ready for her." --good section, and I think this introduces things again well for the second book. It needs a little more something at the beginning as a hook, but after that point it keeps my attention. pg 13: "We definitely exceeded the temper’s breakpoint.” --Bamboo swords were tempered? Is that possible? Enchanted in faerie I understand, but is tempering the right word? pg 13: "like he was the one who had just spend the past hour testing is body’s limits." --which he probably did, from how keyed up he was. pg 14: "I kissed him." --maybe a little more blocking here. They were separated, with M holding a hand out, then kissing. pg 15: "be a normal eighteen-year-old" --Eek. Definitely should have been using protection. pg 15: "N is teaching E how to siphon energy from fire?” --Where did this come from? Need some sort of transition in here. pg 15: good last line.
  6. I'll trade you martial arts techniques for balloon animal instruction!
  7. He only pops up here and there, but I'm really enjoying his different take on things! And yes, I've got plans! Books 2 and 3 were originally going to be one, but I figured I could sell two 100k books more easily than one 200k book! Which means what was originally book 3 will probably end up being #4 and 5...
  8. Hello all, Here's chapter 5. This is slightly longer than 5000 words, so apologies. As always, let me know what you think. Reactions on anything/everything else is appreciated, from character reactions, to description needed, to grammar and phrasing. Previously: E coaxed S out of his room after a strange chime went off. The maji are interested in S's new house. R got some information from a source, and M wants to restart the Society. R reveals the location of the Coalition's headquarters, but can't get there, and everyone is called to the Assembly, where the Coalition unveils an ancient being.
  9. Thanks @shatteredsmooth! Yeah, I'm going to have to feel this character out. Please let me know what conclusion you come to as the story progresses. There are some plans for his character in the 3rd and 4th book, so I want to introduce his POV (and I seem to be on the right track with everyone disliking him!), but if he's too annoying, I can modify.
  10. Ah--thanks. I can clear this up. Lol--disappeared in a puff of plot! I did it a couple times. It's either this or repeat "Majus." I'm not a big fan of it either, so I'll have to see how I can change it. Well, he is feeling the vibrations... Yeah, mostly because it's his POV and he's talking more. Yep. I'm debating on several of the POVs and how necessary they are. I'll go back and change things after I finish this draft, so keep me informed on what you think as they develop. Thanks @Robinski!
  11. This should become clear around chapter 8! Thanks! I'll see if I can work that in. Lol! Basically they have high-speed transit. Portals only work at distances of about half a planet's circumference, so they're only good for long and interstellar distances. Thanks again, @Robinski!
  12. Thanks again, @Robinski. Glad you like the different voices. You've got some good comments on this one that will help me clean it up a bit. It does let the natural grammar of the species shine through, which is why they all have their little quirks. But I should probably fix this one ;-) Yeah, this is still a little shaky. I'll need to get better reasoning behind it. It didn't, but I liked his voice so much in STH, I had to put him in! Sort of...let me know what you think.
  13. Thanks @Robinski! Going to keep reading through the feedback. Good catches as always. Your feedback is always very helpful!
  14. Thanks @industrialistDragon and @Atium! Not a lot of comments is a good thing! I can definitely see that. I think I need to spread this stuff around, or just cut it. Funny enough, the parts you said should go earlier were actually cut from the over-thinky first chapter and moved here! So maybe I just need to condense them. Another vote for this. I'll look into it. Yay--I think? ;-)
  15. On for the 18th, if everyone isn't too tired of me...