Mandamon

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Mandamon last won the day on February 26 2013

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1,003 Sentient Awakened Object

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About Mandamon

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    Complex and Unnecessary
  • Birthday May 26

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    Male
  • Location
    North Carolina
  • Interests
    Practicing and Teaching Karate, Reading, Writing, Gaming, Tinkering
  1. Thanks @kais Glad that Re is going over well. I like writing his voice too... I tried to put some recap in the first few paragraphs, but evidently not enough. I'll try to expand it without being infodumpy. I think this is also partly because I didn't set up this plotline as memorably in the last book. I'm working on those edits now, so I'll try to beef it up so this exchange on the LC side makes more sense.
  2. Thanks @lizbusby and @Robinski! I'm hoping this will be clearer on the next Re chapter. It's a three-part epigraph detailing the power structure on the Sath homeworld, which I'm hoping will give the reader a little more background as the story progresses. Yep, I see this as well as I read through. I think these chapters will change the most in the next draft, to spice up the beginning some more and get the characters into the action faster. Just need to figure out how... Er, yes. I hope this will be clearer to one who's just read the second book. The assassins are worming their way into the LC leaders, who are a small subset/cult of the Sath species. N just disagrees with the other leaders a lot. Yeah, I think this is the biggest thing that needs shoring up here. I want to have this "inside" viewpoint, but I need to work some more on the end of the last book to set it up better. Fortunately, I'm editing that draft now, so I'll ponder while I rewrite!. Maybe something to do with how Re knows In? Noted. I need to work on their reasoning better. I'm leaning toward they're acting "in character" so much that they take on the target's personality. Hopefully going to shore this up with edits to the end of book 2. Yep. Going to bump up their dangerous-ness a lot in the next draft. Thanks! I really like writing him, but I knew there were problems going into this. Glad the overall tone is at least going right. Hope to get everything ironed out better on the next draft.
  3. Getting on the docket for Monday the 27th, before I forget.
  4. I feel like this is better streamlined, and gets to the point better. It also makes a much better "boom" moment at the end with the coup rather than just fixing an election. That said, I don't feel like this chapter does a lot. Moving the revelation of mystery caller to the previous chapter takes some of the tension out (though I like that you did it) and doesn't replace it with anything. So there's a little revelation about the way the colonies are organized, a couple good character moments, and then the revelation at the end. It's better, but it feel it could be tied tighter still. pg 3: "The capo’s devotion was measured in millions. Where was his? Lying in the dust of an empty Seattle apartment." --where was his what? Unclear sentence. pg 5: tense error? "man may not like him" -> "man may not have liked him" pg 6: "clapped him on the shoulder and moved away towards his room, leaving Q perplexed." --Not sure why he's perplexed? pg 7: "perhaps the more likely scenario is TOM is hanging DM out to dry" --I'm still not sure I get this leap in logic, but it could be clarified by some prework earlier in the narrative. pg 8: "wondering about your informant" "Because, they’d use a false name" --she's still talking about Q's son, right? This might be an artifact from the changes. pg 9: “Caller… J," --is this supposed to be N? pg 11: Nice hook at the end.
  5. Thanks @Sarah B! Glad the descriptions were better this time. On the two "S" names, they don't really matter for this chapter except to say that there are two different species. If you've read the other books, you might get some more out of it.
  6. Chapter 6 of book 3, with the last (yes, I know) major POV intro for this book. Short chapter this week, and this particular POV acts sort of like Man's in book 2. If you have read the second book, there is also a change to the end which should be made evident in the first paragraph. All comments are welcome, and I'm hoping this has a little more tension in it vs. the "meet and greet" of the last few chapters. Previously: S, E, and I arrive in the other facet and tell the inhabitants what's going on. E and I learn a little about their species, but they all decide to go back to their facet to learn more, but when they get there, E still has issues from her imprisonment that keep them from leaving. They instead work with the leader of the Ari group, until the Eff faints. Man comes to the Imperium with his new Society, to learn what happened after they tried to bring something through with his device (at the end of books 2). We switch to Ri and Co, who have escaped to HD's homeworld, at an installation of their art, where they regain their bearings. They go back to the Imp, where they engage some of the invaders, with great effort, and then go to a Speaker's estate, where she is collecting refugees.
  7. Thanks @lizbusby! Yes, others fought back, but Our Heroes of course manage to do things better. Good point, though. I do need to up the tension is this area. Oh, interesting. I didn't even think about it this way. More that everyone was doing their part to help evacuate, even the assistant to the Speaker. Ha! Good catch. I tend to layer in more emotion in my later drafts, so I'll pay attention to this part. Noted. I'll try to prop up this argument more. Thanks again!
  8. I'm glad my coworkers don't know about this site!
  9. I'll be at a con this weekend, so throwing my name in for a submission next Monday the 20th.
  10. Thanks for the feedback, @industrialistDragon! I'm going to have to think about which way to put these. In any case, those are great chapter summaries ;-) Yep, I knew this part was going to be hard going into it. I think it picks up later, but I'm juggling getting the reader into the story with keeping tension and describing characters. I'll take another stab at it soon.
  11. Thanks @Sarah B, @shatteredsmooth, and @Robinski! Ah, this is defined in the other books, but I can throw in a reminder. Lol--well, still good feedback. I know I can get long-winded in sections and this will help me trim things down. !! That's about what I was visualizing, so I guess I got the thought across... More of this than I remembered...I'll adjust. I'm thinking this is more on the outskirts of what Strength can do. It's concerned with how things are reinforced and put together, providing stability, so I was rationalizing this as taking the "strength" and "stability" from stone to make it fluid. Sort of inspired by the D&D "stoneshape" spell and by the magmabenders from Avatar. Also, I'll take another look at the blocking around this part to clean it up. A bit of rare dramatic license from R. Can clarify. I more meant they would start exploring the areas outside the Imp. Yep, and so are the characters. I can hang a lantern on this more. Sounds like I need to clear this part up a lot, both in time frame and details. My intent was that there are a whole bunch of displaced people around here, trying to make the best of things. After the immediate danger is gone, not everyone needs to be doing something all the time... Nope, Pan keeps bringing it up. Meant to be a (small) running joke. I'll play around with it. Agree! I'll clean this up. P is the second or third largest city in the N, after the Imp. But compared to the Imp, sort of a sprawling country city. I'm trying to figure out how to juggle references to the Gv. They made contact shortly before things blew up, so they would definitely be in people's minds. I'm hoping the interlude in the second book will be enough to make people recognize them at least. Let me know what you think a few (7-8) chapters down the line...
  12. Thanks @lizbusby! It's great to have feedback from a new reader to see what pops out. Yeah, she's been in five books now (I think) so fairly well represented. This species only drinks--doesn't eat anything solid--so this would be the equivalent of a meal. Still, that does't mean I haven't gotten the point across fully, so I'll update! Yep, I've had some other confusion on this. Will clarify. It's a valid point, and I know it's mentioned in several chapters. I think I just need to expand this term more in the vein of "more encounters with the creatures to figure out what's happening" rather than "research."
  13. Very cool! *imagines @Robinski flying the falcon around a room going "brrrrpprrrrprpr"*
  14. Thanks @lizbusby! I think (hope) that a lot of the confusion stems from coming in at this late stage. There's a lot of setup for what M and his group are doing and why. That said, the first part of this will definitely get cleaned up to have less passive wandering, and I can put in some of the emotion from the end of the last book to help drive them. Good thought about coming up for a name for them. I'll have to ponder on that!
  15. I agree. In fact, doing this with all these introductory chapters might up the tension overall, while reminding the reader what happened, and bringing the two books together.