Mandamon

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Mandamon last won the day on February 26 2013

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About Mandamon

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    Complex and Unnecessary
  • Birthday May 26

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    Male
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    North Carolina
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    Practicing and Teaching Karate, Reading, Writing, Gaming, Tinkering
  1. I died. Same! Speaking from experience, @kais can definitely write scenes that make you need to fan yourself...
  2. Submitting chapter 6 on Monday 04/06
  3. Thanks for the quick read, @Snakenaps! Yeah, this is one of those things that gets fixed up in later drafts. Technically, if it's "House X," then it's capitalized, but if it's just talking about a "house" then it's not. Guns are around, but pretty rare (worldbuilding-wise). They haven't developed because of a dependence on the maji. Yeeep. He can be pretty ruthless, but is more caring than WW. This is me not getting enough emotion in this draft... Check! We see a little bit of this later on. Interesting! Good take. They're pretty strange...sort of like drones with individual intelligence. Noted! There is something to this that will be developed in the second half of the book. Basically, yes. That's similar to what I was thinking. Great comment. I'm guessing some of this is that I haven't fully fleshed out emotions in this chapter. But this gives me a good indication of what to change. Thanks again!
  4. Yep, @Robinski picked up on this too. I meant it as being from a textbook or something. Maybe I'll just throw that in so people don't get confused. Glad you like them! Awesome! Ick. I hope to continue inspiring your nightmares ;-) Glad this is coming across! They weren't creepy enough last time. Well now I want to write a short story about that. Yay! Blame @Robinski. He suggested more death and destruction! I am greatly enjoying all your reactions! You keep giving me ideas, @Snakenaps... Keep reading! These are all great responses, @Snakenaps! It's great getting a blow by blow reaction to what I've written. Thanks!
  5. @Snakenaps, just wanted you to know that I stuck a kernel about the diadem being used to wipe memories in *checks notes* chapter 13, so thanks!
  6. There will be more of this! Interesting thoughts! I feel like it gets too much into a magic answer to a problem rather than the characters working through it, but there could be some potential there. Thanks @Snakenaps!
  7. Thanks @Snakenaps! That's some quick reading! Yeah, I was trying to be all experimental with how they knock, but I think it's just confusing. More chiding. Cool. This seems to be a universally liked section! I actually have an unpublished short story about this, which may get released as bonus content for the kickstater! Meaning the roofs were above the plants. And yes, it rains in in the Nether! More like transitional housing. I can make this clearer. Just wait! Lol. You have divined correctly. Heh...good point. *blinks* I hadn't even thought of that. Doh. Thanks.
  8. Thanks @Snakenaps! Glad you're enjoying it. Really. I actually had to add in a few days to the original rewrite because there was too much happening each day. Ah, good catch. I can add this in. They're similar ages, but just because of the species makeup and how things progressed here, they have less advanced tech. Cool! Let me know what you think as we get farther into the book. I'm sort of afraid I dropped some of this, and I want to make sure I keep it up. I'm hoping to explore this in the (eventual) 4th and 5th book! Heh. Exactly!
  9. Thanks so much for reading again, @Snakenaps! These are great reactions, and help target where I can fine-tune things. I LOLed at this. Definitely, and no, I don't think many friends.
  10. Overall: This was a good wrapup, but I'll echo @Sarah B that I had completely forgotten about the android, so bringing him up along with the replacement was not as powerful as it could be. In addition, I'm not sure why the pilot was the focus in the last chapter. She was only in one or two chapters near the beginning, wasn't she? I'd rather have had more time with Q&M building a relationship before M goes off. I still had this vague sense of unease the whole first half, waiting for something else to happen with N. I guess that's going to be left for a later story, and hopefully the changes the couple chapters before this will clear it up. Thanks for sharing this whole thing with us! It's been a great journey! Notes while reading: pg 3: "Perhaps Q would never know. Perhaps." --hmm...I either want some sign of what happened here, or a bigger try/fail with killing N. This still seems unfinished to me. pg 3: "she contributed to the… project" --ick. pg 3: "I’ve run from it for five years." --I think we've covered it in the previous chapter, but I think there needs to be a lot more setup to show what exactly Q ran from, and how N is older than 5. pg 4: "A news broadcast on a national network had included his name, present location, place of residence, and a reference to life after death." --huh? I really had to go back and read 3 or 4 times to catch all this, and I still don't remember where Q lives. I guess it's probably a warning, but I don't know if I would have caught all that even if it was about me. pg 4: "So, it seemed he had achieved his goal." --thaaaats jumping to conclusions a bit. pg 4: “Hey, turn that frown upside-down, honey,” --uh, would E ever say this, even joking? pg 5: "The FBI had kept Eighty" oh yeah...I sort of forgot about him. pg 7: “The sheriff in absentia,” M added, “not the acting sheriff.” --Is K on leave? Why is he there, then? pg 10: “It’s a Tiger Moth,” --I'm not sure what this is or why it's better than the previous plane. pg 10: “My designation is" --So are they going to go through an android per book? pg 12: "No, they talked openly about how they felt about being laid so low physically," --I feel like this would be a better resolution than showing that they paid back a side character from twn chapters ago. pg 15: good roundup at the end, and I like the last line!
  11. Thanks @Sarah B! By popular demand, I will work on adding more creepiness! Haven't covered that before and I hadn't even thought about it! So far the dissolving has only taken a few seconds, so there wasn't time, but now I may have to include that somewhere...
  12. Thanks to @industrialistDragon, @shatteredsmooth, and @kais! Glad this seems to be moving better, except of course for lacking emotion. I'll be adding a lot more of that in with Man the next edit. All good comments. I was going more for the "tired old man" who is seeing his labors fall apart, but I've gone too far away from caring for the people as well. Will address this. Glad this is working as well. Adding more content and breaking up the chapters into two parts seems to be helping. Yes, I think this is where I can really lean into M's emotions.
  13. Thanks @industrialistDragon! I've addressed this a lot more in the last book, but I can put in another sentence or so here. Yep. Will add more emotion.
  14. Chapter 5, which was the second half of Man's first chapter. Once again I've marked it as (V) for violence. I've tried to put some more emotion in this half. Let me know what you think! Previously: S/E/I arrive in the other facet with their news of the Elg. The Eff and court are there, E has problems with trust, and E/I learn about their folks. The Eff faints shortly thereafter. E battles the voices inside her as they travel to the Ari, and attacks S. In the Ari enclave, I struggles with his image, we learn of the Ari, and E and I use each other's houses for the first time. M arrives with the society to the Imp and is attacked by Elg. People die and Man finds himself with more and more responsibility as they attempt to figure out what's going on.