Ookla the Paramount

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Ookla the Paramount last won the day on December 17 2018

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2,331 Steel Inquisitor

About Ookla the Paramount

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    A bunch of evil beekeepers
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    ... asked Horton
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    My position on the curling team

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    Hi! To quickly get in touch with me, summon me on the TUBA discord or ping me in a post. If you contact me through other means, I will likely not see your message until the weekend. Have a nice day!

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  1. first verse

    "To embrace my destiny," Tion declared. "And possibly find some lunch. Are you hungry? I'm ravenous. I've been having hunger pangs ever since-" He glared suspiciously at Price. "Never mind that. It would be prudent to stop advertising my, our, intentions so brazenly. Count yourself lucky that humans are short-lived creatures, with even shorter memories." The god nodded his head towards the door, obviously eager to get going.
  2. first verse

    “I have seen a soldier crawl three miles with a broken leg, just to throw himself back into a skirmish so he stab his foe one last time before he was cut down for good.” As he spoke, the God of Sensation seemed to shrink a little shorter. Maybe he was just slouching, maybe it was his confidence waning. “In that same war, I witnessed the execution of an entire battalion for their refusal to fight. Well-trained and well-equipped men decided they’d rather face the wrath of their own officers than risk meeting… well, let’s just say I’m very good at spreading rumours.” “When one’s will is strong, the flesh can often be persuaded to go along with it. And when, by proxy, it’s my will calling the shots-” He blinked, noticing the remnants of the tear on Sagitta’s face for the first time. “Huh. That wasn’t supposed to happen.” He walked into the room and reached out his hand to grab Negation. “You must come with me. Apparently, these humans here have nothing to offer us after all. My apologies for misjudging you all. Fortunately, I have willing replacements nearby.”
  3. first verse

    Tion was used to insults. Over the years, the god had developed a thick skin, verbal barbs barely registered any more. But in past, the people who had attacked him had targeted the part he was playing, whatever disposable persona he’d adopted for the day. These humans knew his true identity. And they were unimpressed. He was thankful when Price gave him an excuse to avert his eyes from Sagitta’s unrelenting gaze. The scribe seemed easier to intimidate. “I don’t just control your feelings, I can read them. That’s what sets me apart from my protégées. I can tell what scares you, I can see when you’re in love, and I can sense when you’re lying. I may bluff sometimes, but when I do, I am very, very good at it. My magic is precise. In comparison, all of you are fools, stumbling around in the dark.” “But I’ll let you in on a little secret.” He punched at the wall beside him and his hand passed right through it, disappearing up to his elbow. “I don’t think I’m real right now. But just because I’m an illusion, doesn’t mean I’m harmless.” Tion looked a little surprised at what he had just done, as if only just appreciating the full implications of his present state. He looked at the wall and raised an eyebrow. Then he looked at the empty air in the hallway a few feet to the side of his arm. A look of realization washed over his face, then a childish glee. “Illusions only hurt if you believe in them. But I can make you believe in mine. When we touch, your fingers will think they’re feeling flesh. When I punch you, you will feel pain. And if I decide to break your neck, your throat will actually constrict because that’s how your body reacts when you think you’ve taken damage, whether its ‘real’ or not. I control your senses, and that means I control your world." He pulled his arm back out and cracked his knuckles confidently. "And I control you."
  4. first verse

    “I'm disappointed that you feel that way,” Tion said, a hard edge creeping into his voice. “You’re starting to learn, soldier, that I am only as real as you make me now.” “And yet, you still cling to fabrications. As mighty as you make me sound, I am only one god, and my agency’s restricted by this humanoid form. Do you really believe that I have a hand in every quarrel on Hopearaa? That every argument is the result of my influence?” He clenched his fist around his own sword’s hilt, and roughly yanked it out of its sheath enough to expose six inches of its dark metal blade. “You do this to yourselves. Every time you square off against an ‘enemy’, you have the choice to call a ceasefire and and talk it out. It’s your free will to fight these wars.” The blade began to glow with a faint orange light. “You’ve been complicit, you’ve killed before. I can see it in your aura! You have the heart of a hardened fighter. Don’t try to blame your past on me, child.” The glow turned to sparks, tiny flames that danced along its surface. “Come with me. I can help you relive those moments of violence, recreate them, if you need proof. But you already know I’m right.” His eyes seemed to darken, better reflecting the flickering firelight. “There is an army rising below us, oppressed souls like yourself who think they’re victims of circumstance. Once they escape their dungeon, they will do what humans do: break stuff. Would you like us all to stand down, let them run amok? They’ll like that. In their rage, they’ll destroy everything in their path. When tribes don’t stand their ground, those with the worst impulses are empowered. Its natural selection! When the crazies attack the social order, attack you, you humans can either defend against them and destroy each other or sit back and let your world fall into to chaos.” “If you have a problem with that, don’t complain to me. It’s not my government preparing for war here. What do you think Price is testing us for? Do you think he has a noble goal in mind when he ponders how to weaponize our powers? Maybe I should kill him for you. Start stopping the bloodshed here and now by crippling the Empire’s military research division, or whatever his job title is.” Tion’s knuckles whitened, but instead of attacking, he shoved his sword back into its sheath, extinguishing its flames. “But that’s more your specialty, Sagitta, isn’t it? Put that battlefield experience to good use, if you really feel so strongly about it. None of us here will stand in your way.”
  5. first verse

    “Tricky business leveling cities,” Tion mumbled. His words became incomprehensible for a moment, then normalized midsentence. “-and then they’ve seen, see? All the little humans know the secret. The ones that survive run out and try it for themselves. City after city falls, until…” His head snapped up, and his voice buoyed with sudden exuberance. “And what’s the fun of godhood if there’s no one left to rule, eh?” The diety grinned toothily, his white molars gleaming. Very intentionally, he raised his hands, leaving them in the air above his shoulders, which shrugged, as if to say I’m harmless. For now. “You raise some good points, sentinel!” he continued. “I could easily escape this room.” He winked cheekily at Sagitta. In a flash, he disappeared, then reappeared behind her and Price in the hallway. “Over here now, please keep up! Full credit to Thomas for that idea.” The god skipped forward to lean in between the two of them and stage-whisper conspiratorially. “But that’s just a parlour trick. You’re right that’d I’d like something from you.” “All of you, in fact! I can escape at any time, but when I do, I don’t intend to leave alone.” His excitement was palpable. “I have friends now! Friends being a word for people who you find easy to manipulate. And I’d like everyone here to join our movement! Simply submit to me and we can march into the light together.”
  6. first verse

    "On the contrary, all is finally as I knew it would be," Tion was saying as Price noticed him. He nodded his head curtly. "And lo, the tester returns, and in his grasp, a most dangerous weapon." As he spoke, a faint thud sound from came from the hallway, like a man bumping into a wall. The god paid it no heed as he stepped away from the doorway, instinctively moving closer to Gati. His right hand slipped to his side, where his new sword was affixed to his belt. "All so careless," he muttered in a low voice, not seeming to be aware that anyone could hear him of they intended hard enough. "The guarded with the unguarded tongue, and the mortal who acts immortal. Never adapting, always adopting the habits of the rabbits that scurry, oh hurry little rodents, squish, squash, squish..." His stopped meeting anyone's gaze, zoning out as his looked distantly at the floor.
  7. first verse

    Posed in front of Gati, Tion examined the god with curiosity. They didn't seem especially vulnerable, but perhaps... "Dear Gati, the inconsequential is now all-consuming! My new eyes see this realm as it truly is: a glorious construction we build together. But the workers changed the plans, they whisper behind our backs in tiny voices, so hushed. I've been to the shadows, I've heard them with all my ears." Will he be the first to go? he wondered. The god narrowed his eyes at Zura. She seems handy with a knife. Perhaps she will do it. "We have to stop their scheming, don't you see? Tear down the halls they build, with them inside, oh yes! All the little ones go squish squish. Especially the testers." He wagged his finger in the direction of the doorway. "No usurping for you!"
  8. "AHHHHHHH!" screamed the anvil in response.
  9. first verse

    “Oh, well done, Gati! How very human of you.” By the back of the door, in the corner of the room, where previously had been just shadows, the visage of Tion suddenly appeared, sarcastically clapping his hands. A large scabbard hung from his belt. Strangely, the guard did not seem to notice him. “I’m sure because they share an ethnicity that this child knows all about the way this deadling wanted to be treated after death. If they look the same, they think the same, isn’t that how the humans view it? You’ve adopted their customs so well!” He took a step forward, voice rising, oblivious to any shock they had at his unexpected interruption. “Why would you presume from his appearance? There are times when imitating their societal norms is useful, but this? That was just sloppy. You have to see but not assume, like hearing but not listening. Otherwise, you’re just like them.” He seemed almost ready to punch the other deity, but he unexpectedly calmed, and slowly turned his neck to look at Zura, staring at her unblinkingly. “You’re a bad influence on Negation. You want to take his throne. The Forgotten God makes you test and test and test us all to find the weakest. But we’re all weak now. The gods will fall and humans take their place, and there’s no restarting this time. My powers corrupt, yet are disguised. But what I can’t decide is…” Without breaking his gaze, Tion waved his left hand by his side. To those watching it, the body on the floor appeared to twitch, then sharply inhale. The god wiggled his fingers like a man working a marionette, and the corpse responded by spasming, flailing its limbs jerkily. Its eyes were wide open, spinning frantically, but its gaping mouth made no sound. He kept the illusion going for a moment, then abruptly stopped and cocked his head. “Who did I betray?”
  10. He managed to split and run, but the others were in a bunch of trouble.
  11. first verse

    Meanwhile, deep below the military compound, in the pit that served as its lowermost dungeon, Tion surveyed his followers. They were broken men, he accepted that, but what they lacked in skill they easily made up with vigor. Like moths rushing toward a flame, the mob scrambled to reach him as he levitated in place in front of the room’s only exit, guiding them towards their target. “Chip away more rocks, that’s it! Smash ‘em, stack ‘em, then repeat!” Twenty feet below him, more blasts of dark energy sizzled about, knocking stones free of the wall as prisoners magically knocked stones from the wall. Others descended upon the rubble, grabbing it with eager hands and dragging it to place at Tion’s feet. In the light of his fiery sword, a pile could be seen growing, angling up towards his position. Tion continued calling encouragement to them. “Oh, you poor caged beasts, forced to pace in darkness for so long. Rejoice, humans, for my light will guide you home.” They are slow, but persistent. He smiled. Now that they are properly focused, it is only a matter of time. “I go now to prepare a way for you, my pets.” He wiggled his fingers, tugging on the strands of the most dedicated prisoners’ auras, boosting their resolve to see the job done. They obliged him by quickening their pace, throwing rock after rock onto the ramp. “When you are ready, come and find me. I will be waiting!” Marching orders given, the God of Sensation smoothly sheathed his sword as he turned his back on his followers, then phased through the door, floating out of sight.
  12. It's funny because they're four-hour episodes... (I recommend that you start with the non-canonical one-shots. The funny ones, none of this hardcore Undeadwood stuff. I'm partial to Crash Pandas, but they're all good. You won't get a taste of Matt's DM style, but you also won't need any background knowledge to figure out what's going on. )
  13. +1 on Liam being awesome. And Marisha. And Travis. And Laura. And Talisman Giraffe. And everyone else, they're all amazing. I made the switch from 3e to 5th by watching these guys; I picked up the rules and how to play the classes by watching them play, and learned what proper RPing is like from their example. It's made the game so much more fun. ^ This! Yessss. 24 episodes of animated brilliance. And speaking of things to look forward to, how about that return of Ashley 'Technically Vice President of DnDBeyond's Party Planning Department' Johnson? I am stoked.
  14. first verse

    Meanwhile, Three Levels Below the Compound. Tion stood in total darkness, watching the souls of broken men dance wildly around him. To his eyes, they were lit up like jack-o’-lanterns, as if someone had placed a flickering candle in a translucent human shell. Something, he thought it was an arm but it lacked distinction, grabbed at his face and channeled a blast of dark energy at him. He let it pass through, hitting the figure behind him who was wailing into a flute made of bone. Above Tion, the air shimmered, then a pair of likewise glowing prisoners dropped down on him, pinning him to the ground, which was littered with sharp debris and loose, cold rocks. The pack of assailants closed in, clawing at his body, but their scratches failed to break his skin. One smashed a stone into Tion’s shoulder, then, seeing that it had no effect, growled and waved his hand to make it float back into the air then crash into his arm a second time. Others simply stomped and punched and screamed to try and break him down. “Enough,” the god barked. “Enough!” He inhaled slowly through his nose. As he did, it seemed to suck the energy out of the room. Around him, prisoners stopped rioting and started poking at their ears in confusion. Tion exhaled, and their shock turned to pain. They twitched frantically, grinding their hands into the sides of their heads and moaning. Tion, now on his feet, had to shout to be heard over the sound of their gnashing teeth. “My dear friends, you have been cursed to dwell in this forsaken realm! It has driven you mad, quite mad. But rejoice! For today is the day your lives gain a new clarity: me.” The god’s skin began to glow, his body emitting a soft, violet light, just a few shades lighter than the shadows. The madmen gaped in disbelief as Tion then started floating, ascending ten feet into the air to hover, looking down upon them all. “Fear me, my subjects, for I have powers beyond your comprehension. But fear not! For I shall use them to lead us all to freedom.” He held out his hands and a flaming sword appeared in his grasp, illuminating the upturned faces of his feral army. “There we shall wage a glorious war on those that dwell in the light, and seek retribution for the centuries of suffering they put us through by locking us away.”
  15. I get all the rest, but why is AIM a bunch of evil beekeepers? 

    1. Ookla the Paramount

      Ookla the Paramount

      Really? I thought that the Horton Hears a Who reference would be the least understandable one. Good job. :D AIM is the acronym of the cyber-terrorist organization Advanced Idea Mechanics in the Marvel comics. They look like this:


    2. Ookla the Roleplayer

      Ookla the Roleplayer

      ...yep, never read those. :D