MistbornAlpaca

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About MistbornAlpaca

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    ... That's a sheep, Baaaaaaah!
  • Birthday 11/01/2002

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    Reading (Obviously), Writing, Game Design, Art, and the occasional Movie.

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  1. That would be great!
  2. I'm glad the pacing worked! I was a little worried about it. It is part of the magic system, so I believe it should be capitalized... but now I can't remember... are magic systems capitalized? Also, to @kais point, I really don't like the term Crack/Cracker either, it makes me laugh too. I've been trying to think of something better but haven't found anything yet aside from maybe 'division' 'divider' 'divided' which feels clunky to me. Any ideas? Hmm, that's true. I guess my idea was it could have been one of the Masters (it was one of the Masters but she doesn't know that yet) so she couldn't trust anyone, I'll have to work on getting that across. Yep I've had a lot of weird capitalizations, like 'Circle' and 'Aide' I've fixed most of those later in the story, but forgot to change these. Good to be back! Thanks for putting up with my amateur submissions In the actual draft I don't have the POV switches so soon. I arranged them like so in the submission hoping to get takes on a couple characters at once, but in hindsight probably wasn't the best idea. That was a dream sequence, and I will definitely make that more clear, but this is a very good point, and I hadn't even thought about security after it was stolen. Could these problems be fixed by aging her down? And maybe making her a sort of apprentice that has to take T's place after his death? Now that I'm thinking about it I'm really liking this idea, but would it be too similar to the other young characters?
  3. Hey all! Super excited to submit again! Throw everything you've got at me, but I'm really looking for 2 things in particular, 1) are the characters interesting? Would you follow them through the rest of the story? 2) I feel like my pacing within the individual scenes is way too fast. Any thoughts? Thx in advance for your critiques!
  4. Any chance I could submit on Monday?
  5. I haven't read the first part of this story, so my comments might be a little off, just FYI. So first line, I instantly get the impression that J is sort of a noble, and that he also knows to fight/use a spear. "I couldn't have done it, obviously, because I'm here." This phrasing feels a little clunky, maybe "I obviously couldn't have done it, I'm right here." Just a suggestion. "...extra security on auction nights, which meant that it was just thugs that were threatening him. It was hard to threaten him with that." Also a little clunky, maybe something like "...extra security on auction night, but they were just thugs." At least for me, 'just thugs' gets the message across that they're not very threatening. I don't quite understand what Lord E means in his first line of dialogue. "hold him there." Is he talking to the mercenaries? I'm liking the story, but the dialogue just isn't working for me. It's just a little clunky. I think it just needs some trimming and consolidating. "I expected better from someone of your caliber." So J is a sort of high-born nobleman? End of first page. The pacing is great so far, thumbs up. Imperial spy. I was right, and you did a great job conveying he was something of that nature in the very first line. "black-and-blue-eyed spy" this feels like a little bit of a long description for the start of an action scene. Also I'm a little confused as to who that is, but I'm almost positive that's just because I haven't read the first part of the story. With the confusion of who's moving aside (Just from me not having read the first part of the story) the blocking here is a little confusing, but I think it just needs more description. I think you should just think, and maybe go through the motions yourself, of the action. If he was going to grab the spear, why not just grab it in the first place and maybe spin so the guard couldn't get him? Instead of giving the guard time to react while he raised it up with crossed arms, then completely switched his hand position, grabbed it and pulled? I don't know, maybe it's just me. Just one more note on the action here, "sending the guard into him" makes it sound like he's pushing the guard away, maybe it should be "pulling the guard into him." Wait? One of the guards has a spear at J's throat? I'm confused. Was the black and blue eyed spy J? This is again probably just because I haven't read the first part. Ok, so J was the one attacking, but what do you mean by one of their own having a spear at J's throat? "non-moving guard" feels a little bit unwieldy. Maybe 'motionless?' or 'limp?' What era are we in? There are spears and mercenaries, but also smoke grenades? I get the feeling of a renaissance-ish time period, so maybe you should come up with a different term for a smoke grenade. Wow, you really did a great job of communicating who J was in that first line. My first impression of him was 'nobleman not afraid of a fight' and with the mention of actual nobles here on pg. 3, that fits perfectly. Couple simple spelling errors on pg. 4, such as using 'action' instead of 'auction' and "you aren't supposed to do that," instead of, "you aren't supposed to know that." Not exactly sure what Akrun's position is, but I assume you explained that in the first part. Another little spelling error, you used "...the ancient lessers of history." I assume you meant lessons "...slamming one of Lord E's personal guards in the throat, point-first." Based on the 'point-first' I would guess this attacker has a knife? Or is he doing it with his bare hands? Might want to clarify that. Oh ok, the guard recovered, so it obviously wasn't a knife, maybe take out the 'point-first' This action scene was very good and easy to follow, good blocking and description. Great dialogue toward the end of pg. 8! Pg. 9 "His fingers slipped, and the scholar fell." A little hard to tell who's slipping and falling. You've already established that the scholar is climbing, so maybe "His fingers slipped, and he fell." Pg. 9 The dialogue gets pretty clunky again, but I think you've done a great job keeping the characters voices distinct and consistent. Pg. 10 Extra-dimensional? I would guess something about this was mentioned in the first part, but if it wasn't, you might want to consider adding something about it, so that it isn't so jarring to readers. It caught me off guard and I suddenly found myself examining the whole story., looking for anything supernatural. It would be better to have that as the lens through which it is read to begin with. Overall I liked the story! I don't think you need to worry about any of the things you mentioned. The pacing was great, and viewpoint switching wasn't a problem for me! The biggest issue I had was the dialogue. All of it except for the end of pg. 8 was very clunky and hard to follow. I'm not going to tell you how to fix it because I have no clue, but it just wasn't working for me. Other than that, just try for a little more clarity in general. Other than that it was great! Keep it up!
  6. Q: What's the difference between a violist and a vacuum? A: The vacuum has to be plugged before it sucks.
  7. Thanks all! This really helped. I really like the idea of being dropped in the desert and having to make it back! I don't know why I hadn't thought of that before, but It fits very well in the world and solves most of my problems. So thank you for that @Quantus! Thanks, @kais @Robinski and @Eagle of the Forest Path for all your comments and ideas as well, it's really helped me flesh this out. I still have a couple problems that I'm struggling with, however. So let me explain this a little more. In my world, there are three "classes" if you will, of the magic. With the idea of dropping them in the desert and having to make it back alive, here's what I've got. Once a year, anyone who is old enough and wants a chance to be trained in the magic can volunteer for this trial, but only three of those who make it back alive (so yes it can be deadly) get trained, one for each of the three "classes". Each of the volunteers is dropped well outside the city, and well away from each other. They're then stripped of most of their clothing, leaving them in shorts and a t-shirt (to use modern terms) with no supplies, left to the full mercy of the wind, sun, and sand. They're then given several bags of sand they can choose to carry back if they wish. The volunteer who makes it back to the city the fastest (regardless of whether they carried the sand or not) is trained in the "class" of magic that speed and agility fit well with. The one who makes it back carrying the most bags of sand (regardless of how long it takes them to get back) is trained in the "class" of magic that strength and endurance fit well with. But now we come to my problem. I need a specific way to test intelligence/creativity/cleverness/etc. that's along the same lines as the other two. "The person who makes it back with..." "the person who makes it back having done..." something along those lines. Any ideas?
  8. Hey guys, I'm not sure if I should post this here on in the Writing Excuses forum, but I'll just post it here and you can let me know if it needs to be moved. Anyway, I'm working on this story right now, and I've been wracking my brain for months trying to come up with tests of skill for a fantasy world. All of the ideas I've had either just don't work, or they don't fit into the world. I've submitted parts of this story before, so some of you might remember it. But basically, it's a massive desert world, with only 1 city, which is sustained by a kind of sand magic. And this test is used to sort through the younger population of the city to find which ones should be allowed to learn the magic. The test basically needs to test intelligence, strength, creativity, agility, etc. It can also be multiple different tests. I'm really struggling with ideas and would really appreciate some help if anyone has any ideas.
  9. Urithuru?
  10. This makes me really mad. Until about 3 weeks ago I was only an hour drive from there. Oh well...
  11. YES!!!!!!
  12. Hey all, I'm looking to compile a list of inspiring/insightful quotes from SA. Post them all here!
  13. Agreed! Still love it! Both thumbs up!!
  14. Looks like I'm the first! I'd just like to preface this by saying I haven't read the previous parts, so if my comments are off or confused that's what's going on. I like the Brandon-esque epigraph at the beginning and I feel like it really sets the adventurous tone of the story. I'm assuming both the fading walls and whatever these people are was explained in previous parts. I don't know what age the main character I get the impression she's probably a teenager, and that's how she acts, so if you're going for that good job! What age range is this story for? It feels like mid-grade. It feels to me like they all adopted the name of The Nose much too quickly, but it could just be me. Very good descriptions of mechanical functions and I really get a feel for where they are in space and time. The rivalry between W and the main character feels very much like an elementary school rivalry, which if you're going for mid-grade and the main character is a teenager I think it works great! At the end of page 9 it says, "Later that day, we all had to admit W was right. He made us." I'm kind of confused here. Maybe it was explained in earlier parts, but I think it's just a typo of some sort. I'm also confused on page 13 when it says "lightening after lightening." Maybe I'm just reading it wrong but I'm not quite sure what you mean. I'm a little confused as to how they're hooked onto the beetle. A little more description might be nice. On page 16, "I carefully did not jump up and down and cheer, not only because the tree was not that wide." This is a little clunky. Maybe something like, "I made sure not to jump up and down, and the width of the tree was not the only reason." Okay, on page 18 it clears up how they were hanging off the side of the beetle. It probably mentioned that earlier and I just missed it. Why didn't they think of strengthening the legs earlier? I would imagine they would've thought of that earlier. I'm almost all the way through, and I'm actually starting to sympathize with W a little. I don't know if that's me, or something that you were planning, but I think it adds a good touch, being able to like the main character and W at the same time, while still being able to understand the main character's frustration with W. Overall, good job!! I really like the adventurous tone, and your voice!
  15. Hey all! It's been a while since I've submitted and I'm happy to be back on the boat! Thanks for reading and giving me feedback as always! This was an idea I had for a novel that I actually wrote as a short story for a class I was doing. It's got waaaay too much happening in waaaay too short of a space, so it all happens to fast, there's not enough time to develop many characters, and the ending doesn't feel deserved IMO. Give me everything you've got! But mainly I'm looking for critique on plot and characters. P.S. Sorry I didn't get this out yesterday