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Everything posted by Paracosmic_nomenclator

  1. Spoilers for Sixth of the Dusk, and future series: First off, we know that Sixth of the Dusk takes place farthest forward in time of any Cosmere story. Second, we have a WoB confirming that we've met the Ones Above before in another book. Finally, in interviews, Brandon has said that he plans to do a Mistborn space opera in the future. All these in mind, I'd like to propose that the Ones Above are, in fact, Scadrians. The only other major contender in my mind are the Selish, and them only because the cognitive realm is nigh inpossible to traverse on Sel.
  2. As I go: -"It was the majus who finally figured out what they were. [P] I munched through my small lunch of wafers and jerky." small thing, but given that sentence, I expected the next paragraph to be the majus' solution. -"So what that means is that these little things are alive" Hmmm... so because they're using healing notes, E thinks they have to be alive? That seems shaky to me, like the reasoning back in the mid 19th century that life existed in space, because asteroids contained carbon, and as far as we knew back then, carbon was only existed in conjunction with life. -"green and blue and purple shoots growing up from the surface of the Nether crystal like grass." Cool. -"Their roots were a mass of light, reaching out in a great spider web of white beneath the surface of the wall." I love this sentence. The imagery is really vivid. -"I peeled the rind and bit into the ridged blue fruit inside." Whoa, yikes! You're just going to eat fruit that's growing out of immutable crystal because it looks like something you're familiar with? I mean, ideally you'd have a little rodent or something to test-eat it, but at the very least, I'd trick W into eating some and then wait a little while. I suppose N is young, and probably wouldn't consider any of this, but maybe have M or E react with alarm to her eating the fruit. -"he raised a small flailing thing to his pointy teeth." I like the biological distinctions you draw between the species. -"I was staring at a face peeking out from behind a toka tree." Whaaaaaat? -"thankful the Nether let us all communicate with each other." Huh. Is this a Symphony thing? It makes sense if I'm correct that the Nether is an artificially created hub for sentient species to meet each other. -"Grumv Vugm Mugv" I like the proper names of this species. -"a long white berry, so it pulled the insides out like a popsicle." This sentence confuses me. Is it like a banana but you can pull the entire skin off at once? -"big hairy creature with a mass of eyes and a beak at the front, and at least eight long black legs coming out from its bulbous body. [...] What a good boy!" Haha, pet spider! Awesome! Overall: Very exciting stuff! I'm excited to see the climb team make first contact with this city. Avi is cool, and I'm excited to see where their character goes. I'm super wary of W right now, like 80% sure he's going to cause a diplomatic incident, either intentionally or accidentally. I eagerly await the next part!
  3. So, I just finished reading the story up to here. As someone who loved reading Jules Verne as a kid, I'm finding this super nostalgic in the best possible way. Some thoughts that I've had as I read: -How technologically advanced are these races? I'm guessing victorian-era-esque. -I could be wrong, but I'd guess that for most kids these days, the word "Nether" brings to mind the hell dimension from the game Minecraft. I'd be interested to hear why you chose this name. -This setting is just really freaking cool. -They're drilling into the wall? I'd be worried that it was holding out something on the other side (vacuum, whatever causes the light of the lightenings, lovecraftian horrors, etc.). Since it seems like they know about space and pressure vessels, I'm surprised none of them are worried about this, too. -How are they going to get down? My first thought was cutting the balloon into four parachutes and using those. They'd also be useful in the case of an unexpected fall. -Holy crap! Did P and SA really just die? Didn't see that coming. Okay, I think that's it. Here are my thoughts as I go (I'm doing this on my phone, so no page numbers. Sorry :/) -"my first smile since The Accident." I agree with Robinski here. While I like that N is referring to it obliquely, even to herself, she thinks of it as non-accidental: as the SA (and W to a lesser extent) killing P. Personally, I would have her refer to it as 'since Partino.' -"Unless he falls off the wall and then the beetle has to carry even less." Ha! I like N. -"We and the three nets" this phrasing sounds awkward to me, but I'm not sure how to make it sound better. -"an image of a body, arms outstretched" while it's not strictly necessary, a verb (falling, plummeting, etc.) after 'body' would be nice. -"If she fell off, we would fall just like Partino and Wailimani’s assistant. I think my heart skipped a few beats, and an image of a body, arms outstretched, flashed through my mind. I gripped the black metal of the beetle’s shell." This scene is super tense. However, there are ways to make it more so. Basically, research has shown that the human mind finds a large number of short sentences more exciting than a small number of longer ones. As an example, you could change it to: 'If she fell off, we would too. Just like Partino. My heart skipped a few beats. An image of my body plummeting, arms outstretched, flashed through my mind. I gripped the black metal of the beetle’s shell.' -"With the earplugs in, I only heard a buzzing in my head when I shouted." Unless Etanela hearing is significantly different from humans', she should still be able to hear her own voice. -"we all had to admit Wailimani had been right. He made us." Nice. I'm liking the character of W that you're setting up, and am hoping he gets redeemed in N and M's eyes by the end. -"Now there was a little less jerky than the day before." Is this saying that some has gone missing? If so, I would say that more directly. As it is now, I assumed that they had eaten some, so there was less than the day before. -" 'Yes, was hoping to find more like that,' she said." Should be " 'Yes, I was' " -"carrying much of our supplies when he…fell" Put a space between the ellipses and 'fell' -"The original idea was for the majus to make a portal." Ah, that answers that question. -"We must find some platform away from this crystal surface." rust! I love how tense this is getting! -"There were little white lights all around us!" Then, later, "The little white lights were all around, just under the reflective surface of the crystal." This confuses me. Does it mean that the lights are only in the wall, but are above, below, and to the left and right of the beetle? -Gaah! You can't leave me at a cliffhanger like that! What are the lights? Overall, I'm really liking this story, and the last few parts have really raised the stakes. I'm enjoying the character dynamics, and the setting a lot. I can't think of any complaints that I have, I'm just excited to see where the story goes.
  4. This one is really long, pretty weird, and probably not all that great. Still, it was one of those things where I just had to write it before I could move on to anything else. I just spent a few hours cutting it down from 7.5k words, so if there are any parts that feel really off, that's probably why. Still let me know about them, though. It's good to be posting here again. I've missed this group, and I'll be trying to write, upload, and critique more often. Thanks a bunch, ~PN P.S. I guess the genre of this would be, "epoch fantasy." hahaha, oh, how droll am I. Wait, somebody made that exact same play on words while I was gone? damnation you, Chuck, I was really proud of that!
  5. Curses! My lack of wood-related knowledge rears its ugly head again. I'll look into that, thanks for letting me know. Great! As someone who only speaks one language (is monolingual? unilingual?), that's really cool to hear. She writes with the Riyuna numerals. Basically, imagine if the largest number we had a word for in english was "a dozen," but we still used arabic numerals. Yay! Thanks. Since it isn't specified who D shoots, there are two endings possible, one of which gives L access to a loaded revolver, and the element of surprise. Yup. One of the things I cut was the "revelation" that the numbers the Course Empire had invented actually came from the Course Nomads. Good. The basic idea of this story was a person/people who were able to witness the course (no pun intended) of history. It went through a number of iterations, including a far-future sci-fi story where someone took thousand-year trips at relativistic speeds that only lasted a week for him, and a version of this story, but from L's perspective. If the travellers were the most interesting part, then it means I accomplished what I wanted. About it getting long in the middle. I had a lot of conversation and exposition all crammed in there, and wasn't sure how much of it I should or shouldn't remove. If you could tell me what parts/passages specifically you found yourself getting bored on, I'd be greatly appreciative. Thanks a bunch for the feedback, ~PN
  6. Just read the first part. I really like the setting so far. I find myself endeared to Yorden as a protagonist; his character feels very believable. There were only two bits that confused me. First was the cellulose-tech. I get that trees are being refined into some sort of alien technology (I think computers) and that different trees have different properties. I love that concept, but would like a line or two of dialogue explaining why trees had to be used, and why the different types behaved differently. Secondly, the purple fur of the Alusians surprised me, since that sort of coloring is rare here on earth. I could accept a variety of explanations for it, such as the flora on their planet having purple photosynthesizing molecules (which exist irl), and would reinforce that the biology is too different for the cedar trees to survive on their planet. I could also see it being used as a signal to indicate that they're poisonous, like insects here on earth do. Neither of these things need to be explained immediately, and they probably don't need to be explained at all; I'd just like them to be since I'm a nerd, and find that sort of world-building interesting. On to my notes as I read it: Pg 1 - " 'Two hundred and twelve diamond rounds, as agreed.' " Is "rounds" just the name of the currency, or is trade in this universe based off of diamond bullets used in space battles? If so, a: that's metal as storm, and b: that presents an interesting irony given the peace that arrived with the Risalians. Pg 1 - "made his look like a kid’s paper airplane." Don't worry about it, Yorden! Burans are awesome, even in a world of future sci-fi tech. The Pledge is probably the coolest ship on the station. Pg 2 - " 'I know they contracted with this fruit company.' " Does she mean apple? Huh. I wonder if they literally make their products out of apple trees now... Pg 2 - " 'Of course, Captain.' A shiver ran down Yorden’s spine, though it still felt like he was afloat in a sea of spaceships. Captain. It sounded too good to be true." I really like this. I don't quite know why, but it feels like a very human reaction, confused and excited, and with that sense of freedom that he's been looking for. Pg 3 - I just really like the paragraph about the mixture of different languages, and the problems of communicating between species. It makes the universe feel a little more real. Pg 5 - " 'Markin Kelm.' " is Markin hir name, or hir title? ... "the markin stared at Yorden" so a title, then. Got it. Pg 5 - This confrontation is really intense for me. I keep wondering if the Risalians are as peaceful as they seem. I mean, they clearly have some way of enforcing their laws over all the other species, and if it's not with violence, then that's almost even scarier. Pg 5 - "but that all, hopefully, added to his charm." a: I'd personally change it to: "but all that hopefully added to his charm." It just reads a little smoother to me. b: are rugged good-looks effective between species? Pg 6 - "Kelm rubbed hir neck slits." Oh, yeah. When I read about these in pt. 1, I assumed the Risalians were aquatic, based on the gills and their coloring. Are they amphibious? If not, what's with the gills and blue skin? Pg 6 - " 'I’d like to offer you a job, Captain.' " Awwww, rust! Pg 8 - Aaand, I was right. The non-violent solution is scarier. No mind-controlling translucent copper dudes for me, please. Pg 9 - " 'And give me back my goddamned righteous anger.' " I'm starting to quite like Yorden as a protagonist. Pg 11 - "the Neek people too, since they seemed to have some of the same unique quirks that Terrans did." Interesting. We know that they're religious. Is that rare? Are they also unsatisfied with the peace? Overall: The world is really strong. You've got a nice mystery set up, and I'm drawn in to it. I really like Yorden. In some ways, he reminds me of a classical Noir detective, disgruntled, traumatised, and imperfect, but still driven to do the right thing in the world, even at great cost to himself. As a space nerd, I love beyond what words can express that he's flying around the Systems in a suped-up Buran. It carries the same sort of childlike excitement for me as space-battleship Yamato, but even cooler, 'cause it's a freakin' Buran! Hopefully, he can get an empty Energia fuel tank as a larger cargo bay later in the story. What? That would be really stupid and impractical? Don't care, rule of cool! Hem... The biology and culture of the aliens really interests me, and I hope (and think it likely) that we'll get to learn more about them as the story progresses. As aforementioned, creepy copper dude is creepy. I'm suspecting him of continuing to manipulate Yorden's emotions to get him to accept the contract, though more subtly than by just muting his anger as he (xe? didn't get a gender on copper dude.) did initially. All in all, I'm excited to read more. ~PN
  7. I'd like to submit this Monday. I've just finished a short story that's around 7.5k words (which is what my first drafts always are for some reason. I really need to work on that). I'll try to pare it down to 5k by Monday, but if not, this'll be part 1 of 2. ~PN
  8. So, in OB, we learn that alethi names are vomposed of a palindromic core, and a modifier on the end. For Adolin, this is "Adoda" meaning light, and "lin," meaning born of (Adolin = born of light). We can further assume that not all names have a modifying suffix, based both on the people's responses as adolin is being named, and the fact that Kaladin's base name is presumably Kalak, which we know to be the name of one of the heralds. With all this in mind, wouldn't Dalinar's base name (and a real name presumably given to numerous alethi men) be "Dalilad" If so... wow. That might just top out "Renesme" as the worst name I've ever seen in fiction.
  9. Just finished literally a few minutes ago, and... wow. Just... wow. Seeing Jasnah in a proper fight for the first time was AMAZING! She's probably my favorite character at this point. I'm really happy to see her become the Alethi queen, and hope we get more of her in future books. I had been expecting Dalinar to revert back to the Blackthorne and become Odium's champion since halfway through WoK. Never, in my entire life, have I been so happy to watch a pet theory get shattered before my eyes. The most important step is the next. You cannot have my pain. Chills. Learning more about spren was really cool. I liked how the 'spren' we see in the physical realm are just little bits of the actual shadesmar entities. Though I'm not sold on Venli as a character, seeing her bond with the captain of the spren ship (whose name I'm forgetting) was quite cool. Frickin' Kaladin... Poor dude can't catch a break. I mean, yeah, he always recovers by the end of the book, but it feels like the emotional trough he falls into in the middle gets deeper every time. First his curse of survival, then almost killing Syl, now watching Moash and Parshman Bridge 4 kill Elhokar. Geez... It was great watching Bridge 4 grow, both with new members, and new proper Radiants. All the members whose names start with 'R' (Rock, Rlain, Renarin), are all going through interesting arcs right now. I also liked the introduction of Tyn (Anyone else feeling KalaTyn?). The fabrial stuff has me really intrigued. First off, the airships look awesome. I don't know how they're going to land with those sails at the bottom, but I'm really excited to see them get built and used. Urithiru itself being a fabrial is also intriguing, along with the mystery of why it isn't working. My current theory for that is that they need to trap a powerful spren (my money's on Sja-Anat) in that gem pedestal in the center. Hoid/Wit got a lot more spotlight in this book than he ever has before. If I'm up to date, he's now a lightweaver, mistborn, and knight radiant (additionally, I'm pretty sure that when he animated that doll in the Epilogue, he was using the magic from warbreaker (can't remember the name of the planet in that one (Triple parentheses, whee!))). In the past, whenever Hoid has used lightweaving to tell a story, it's been important. In this book, he told two. The first (about the girl and the wall), I took as foreshadowing for the 'big secret' that caused the Recreance. The second (about blue skinned human-moon hybrid baby) I think is going to have significance in the future. The story he told Kaladin in WoK (about the ship going to the absolutist theocratic island) I think foreshadows Dalinar's redemption in this book. Maybe the baby story means that Humans and Parshmen (Parshendi? Singers? LIsteners? Rosharans? Not sure what to call them...) will be able to outwit Odium and share Roshar peacefully. Moash... man, what a downer. I kept expecting him to have a change of heart. I just hope he doesn't become Odium's champion. That would be 2sad4me. Honestly, I only had two minor complaints with this book, both focusing around Dalinar. First, as several others have pointed out, his dialog as the Blackthorne felt discordant. Second (and I'm fully aware that this is a ludicrous non-complaint to have), is I really wish instead of a bracer/wristwatch, Navani would have given him a fob watch. I can really esily see him pulling a watch on a long golden chain out of his uniform, but him raising his arm to check the time feels... off, somehow. Also, fob watches are cool. Wooh! Okay, I think that's everything for now. Going to have to reread a few key sections to see what I can get from them. Any news on when the next one will be out? This series is more addictive than firemoss infused with the Thrill. ~PN
  10. First off, welcome to Reading Excuses! My thoughts as I went: Pg. 1 "... keeping this desolate planet alive." This implies to me that as the story progresses, we will be made aware of, and probably visit other (non-desolate) planets. If that wasn't your intention, I would use the word 'world' instead; it has fewer science-fiction connotations. Pg. 1 "The most precious artifact is at risk, nonetheless from the Master of the Swifters, and they send me four guards." The phrasing here feels awkward to me. Maybe "... at risk, from the Master of the Swifters him/herself, and..." Pg. 1 "The guards would do the same he knew." should be "The guards would do the same, he knew." Pg. 2 The latter half of this page builds tension very effectively. Pg. 3 "He moved into the blow, moving his hand through the tendril." Repetition of 'move' is awkward. Pg. 3 "seemed as hard as sandstone, to a Slasher" should be either "seemed as hard as sandstone, but to a Slasher" or "seemed as hard as sandstone. To a Slasher" Pg. 3 "The tendril impaled him," makes it sound like the tendril had rammed through his chestplate without impaling him, came back around, and then impaled him. I like the visceral feel the word lends, though, so maybe the sentence should start, "The tendril lifted the impaled guard into the air..." Pg. 3 "the free end dissolved into sand, filling the room with a thick cloud of dust." I would remove "into sand," it feels redundant. Pg. 3 "He could barely make out another guard being smashed around the room. His mask had cracked" Pronouns are unclear here. Change it to "The guard's mask had cracked." Pg. 3 "He rolled under another tendril," I would specify "TonHar rolled..." When you have several people in the previous paragraph, it's good to start with a proper noun for clarity. Pg. 4 "he formed it into a spear in his hand, the power of a Slasher, creating something from pure sandstone." Badass. Pg. 4 "Toward Master FangTar" need a period at the end there. Pg. 4 "lunged forward, throwing the spear forward" Repetition of 'forward' is awkward. Pg. 4 "The sand ran up his body and his arm, forming into a thin shield of loose sand as TonHar struck. The sand formed around his spearhead, jerking it to the left, and throwing TonHar with it." I'm having trouble visualizing this. Does FangTar have a layer of sand around his arm, which then flows onto the spear, and pushes it aside? Pg. 4 "TonHar matched the other man’s tone" Really? We already know that TonHar is eighty-five. Calling FangTar "the older man" would imply that he's older by several years. I would expect that the life expectancy would be lower on a world hanging on to the last vestiges of its life. Does the Life Stone increase the life expectancy of those living around it? Do masters live longer than normal people? Are the years on this planet just shorter than average? Also, these two men seem fairly active for their eigth or ninth decade. This isn't a huge issue, but I feel like I need one or two lines of exposition earlier to explain it. Edit: I stupidly misread 'other' as 'older.' Please disregard what I said above. Pg. 4 The dialogue here feels stilted. Not sure how to describe it better than that. Pg. 5 "I will not fail. I can’t fail!" I would change to "I cannot fail!" Like you did with 'will not,' the longer form gives it a greater sense of determination. Also, consider putting TonHar's thoughts in italics. Pg. 5 "It was cold and sharp like his voice." I really like this simile. However, I think it flows slightly better as "It was as cold and sharp as his voice." Pg. 5 "He put the stone into a pendant around his neck." I'm not sure where I want FangTar to put it, but seeing as the Stone is the size of a man's fist, it seems a little to large to wear on a pendant. Pg. 6 "He kicked TonHar, and he sprawled backward, groaning." should be "He kicked TonHar, who sprawled backward, groaning." for clarity. Pg. 6 "He put his hand out and sandstone formed there into a sword." Two things here. First, the sentence should start with "FangTar put his..." since 'he' referred to TonHar in the last sentence. Secondly, I initially thought that FangTar was altering the form of TonHar's sword, rather than creating sandstone out of nothing. I might change the sentence to "FangTar reached out, and another sandstone sword flared into existence in his grasp." Pg. 6 "He didn’t moan or whimper. He had heard people did that when they died, but he didn’t. He didn’t know why, he didn’t care why, he was dying," This bit feels odd. If it's not necessary to the plot, I would consider replacing it with something else, maybe a reflection on how TonHar doesn't care that he's dying, but he does care that he's failed. Pg. 7 "He had failed to do his duty, and that was all that mattered. 'May the Sands have mercy on me,' he gasped with his last breath." I really like this ending. It drives home everything we've learned in this prologue. TonHar failed, he's dying, and we're in a harsh, unforgiving desert that's going to get even harsher now that the Life Stone is gone. Well done. Overall: I really liked this. It introduced the villain, the world, and the magic concisely, but leaves me wanting more of all of them. Specifically, Fangtar seemed capable and menacing, especially with how quickly he grapsed how to use the additional powers conferred to him by the Life Stone. As he's presented here, I'm not sure whether he's power hungry, afraid of death, or trying to save his world (just to be clear, I see this as a positive. All we really know about him now is that he needs the Life Stone for his plans, but the plans themselves are a mystery, one which can be revealed throughout the course of the book). I like the desert setting. The whole 'desolation vs. life' thing always lends itself well to symbolism. My one complaint is that I would have liked to have seen the outside at the start of the chapter. I'm assuming that the removal of the Life Stone is going to have serious consequences for the Last City, and it would be nice to know what the city looks like before, so that we can be properly shocked and devastated by the after. Finally, the magic is awesome. I can already see that the world is impacted by the magic, like how the guards wear sandstone chestplates that were presumably formed by a Swifter. I can see the protagonist, whoever he/she may be, using this magic in some really clever ways. I like the mystique surrounding the Life Stone, how even the Master tasked with guarding it doesn't fully understand the powers it bestows. On that note, though, the ability to create sandstone out of nothing does make me a little uneasy. The way its used here is fine, but if FangTar can just create buildings out of nothing with his mind, it seems a bit over powered. Also, though I'm sure we'll get it in the rest of the novel, I'm really curious where the names 'Swifter', 'Slasher', and 'Thumper' come from, and what a Thumper can do. In conclusion, this was a strong first entry, and I'm excited to see where it goes.
  11. So, I was rereading AoL, and came across the part where Khriss is wondering why Wayne's speed bubble doesn't cause a red shift. I think I might have an answer (though not necessarily the same one as Brandon). As we learn from stories like The Emperor's Soul, and Mistborn: Secret History, an object's strength in the cognitive realm is proportional to the time it has been in its current form (i.e. If Stick had been a stick for decades, he would have been even harder to change into fire. Conversely, if he had only recently become a stick, Shallan would have been able to change him quite easily). Further, from several WoBs, which are covered more extensively on other pages, we know that a speed bubble's frame of reference is proportional to the most prominent feature in the cognitive realm around it (when you're on a train, the bubble moves with the train. When you're on the surface of a planet, the speed bubble moves with the planet itself.) These same WoBs imply that if a train barreled through a speed bubble anchored to Scadrial, the train (and its passengers) would remain relatively unaffected. So? The equation that serves as the foundation of special relativity states that as on object approaches the speed of light, time gets slower and slower for it (not really, but that's the best way our puny monkey brains can think of it). What, then, happens to an object traveling at the speed of light? It experiences no time from the perspective of an outside observer. And? If that's true, then photons would have no presence in the cognitive realm. The bubble would have no way of converting them to its reference frame, because they would not exist within the space the bubble operated in. They would simply pass through, unaffected. But hold on. Aons glow, and Hoid can see inside the cognitive realm. That means that photons have to be able to exist in the cognitive realm in some form. How? My best guess: when photons are created, they inherit some basic the cognitive reference frame of the elctron that created them. What does that mean? If I'm right, it means that any light created within a bendalloy bubble would move faster then any light created outside the bubble. Big whoop. Except, if speed bubbles can't speed up photons, that means they can't slow them down either. Which means that light created within a bendalloy bubble would travel (with concentric bubbles, potentially hundreds of times) faster than light created outside of it. Forget subspace communicators, Scadrian starships can still use radio waves. Also, if you nested like seven cadmium bubbles, the light created within would travel at walking speed. Weird. Now, due to the difficulty of explaining all this in a fantasy book, and some of the consequences it could spawn (tachyonic antitelephones), I doubt that this is the true reason why we don't see a Doppler shift. Do you like this idea? Have I missed an easier or better explanation? Let me know! ~Para
  12. So, we have WOBs that Mistborn era 4 is going to be a space opera, with spaceships powered by allomancy. Though we still don't know exactly how scadrian tech (i.e. ettmetal and feruchemical medallions) work, I figured it would still be fun to speculate about how such ships could work. I can think of two main options (Warning, rocket science terminology ahead): 1. A cadmium-powered drifter ship. If you can get your ship on a course to another star (very possible with VASIMIR (or an allomantic steelpushing equivalent, which would be awesome (embedded parentheses, whee!)) or NERVA engine, along with a few good gravity assists from the Scadrian system's gas giants), then you should be able to use cadmium pulser (or ettmetal equivalent) to make the journey in an arbitrarily short amount of time. Since we've seen that cadmium pulsing works over large time-scales on the surface of a planet that is both rotating and orbiting. With that in mind, all one would need to do is create several concentric cadmium bubbles (off the top of my head, three), and you would experience the ship's thousand-year journey to another star as happening in a matter of weeks. So long as the entirety of the cadmium bubble is contained within the ship, it shouldn't knock the ship off course. 2. A bendalloy-powered faster-than-light ship. Since we say Wayne (and other sliders) able to walk normally within their bubbles, we can assume that the strength of a gravitational field is maintained within. With that in mind, a ship entirely contained within a bendalloy bubble (or bubbles) would orbit much faster (potentially faster than light). Such a ship could make a journey of arbitrary distance in an arbitrarily short amount of time to an outside observer. However, within the confines of the bendalloy bubble, the entire natural duration of the voyage would have to be experienced, with bendalloy kept burning the entire time. Even if you used advanced engines (like an Orion drive, or allomantic equivalent) to get your ship up to a reasonable percentage of lightspeed naturally, you'd still need a supply of bendalloy (or ettmetal) that would burn for several years in order to keep the ship moving at superluminal velocities the entire time. Since any passengers inside the ship would also have to experience the entire multi-year journey, you would also likely have a small portion of the ship slowed down via cadmium bubble. As long as the cadmium bubble was completely contained within the bendalloy bubbles, it shouldn't disrupt the FTL capabilities of the ship. So, yeah. Did that make sense? Do we think that allomancy would even work outside of the Scadrian system? Did I miss any better way of creating an interstellar ship? Let me know!
  13. That's what I was thinking, but it still seems like it would require an insane amount of bendalloy or ettmetal. Also, if steel feruchemy works the way I think it does (increasing or decreasing the amount that one is affected by gravity), you could seriously hack orbital dynamics with a steelmind, basically removing the need for an engine. If it doesn't, then you could still make a really good engine with steelpushing.
  14. This one's a bit long, and a bit late. Definitely a gore warning. All feedback is appreciated. I'm trying to get this one under 5k words, so if there are any parts you think could be cut, let me know. Thanks, ~PN
  15. I like this idea. I still want him to commit suicide after killing Deborah, but showing him dealing with growing depression in her absence would work well I think. Got it. Basically. R is a human brain which can control robot bodies, and "Approval" is his pleasure centers being directly stimulated. I can make this a little more clear. I think the story would be stronger if I did that. Thanks for the suggestion. Agreed, but I don't feel like there's space to make his character multi-dimensional. Also worth noting that people that evil really do exist in positions of power. Would "bodies" be clearer? Overall: in draft 2, I'll cut down or remove entirely the General scene, and add in a scene at the beginning which highlights D's character a bit more. Thank you for the feedback, and I'm glad you guys enjoyed it!
  16. I'd like to submit on Monday. Edit: just finished. It's at 5700 words. Is that okay, or should I try to pare it down a bit?
  17. Another 2-part short story. I wrote this one a few months ago, and am having trouble getting it published. Any and all feedback is welcome. Thanks, ~PN
  18. As I go: -"In addition, most synergist" should be synergists -"Using his own complete control over the water in the vial," Don't understand this. Is this supposed to explain how he can form a focus through the water? Or is it supposed to be unexplained? Everything else about the magic system makes sense, and is well done, it's just this one part that's confusing me. -"Your cousin Haley asked..." You need a quotation mark in front of this. -"I’m sorry for the rough awakening, but I couldn’t wake you without it" this sentence feels slightly awkward to me due to the repition of 'wake' Maybe something like 'but it was the best I could manage' or 'but it was the only way' -"He noted, with a combination of satisfaction and horro" should be horror -"Anything reasonably jarring plane shift" shouldn't this be 'any reasonably jarring...' Overall: I really liked it. The magic systems are really interesting, and the moral dillema is well set-up. I feel like I'm missing a bit of requesite backstory, but I enjoyed both Venoriet and Rune and their interactions. I was a bit unclear on whether Tsaph's identity was subsumed by Destiny's, whether they merged, or whether Tsaph could just draw on Destiny's memories. I also dodn't quite understand why the Host was such a bad thing. I'll admit to skimming the action scenes, but I do that with almost all books, and yours are better than most. I really enjoyed the world and characters you've set up, and look forward to reading more about them.
  19. If there's room, I too, would like to submit on Monday.
  20. Here's part 2. I'm unhappy with this story's current length. Do you think I should try and expand it to a novella (17500+ words), or condense it to a short story (7500- words)? It's currently sitting around 8700. Leave that and other feedback below. Thanks! Edit: Recap of pt. 1: Our POV character, Trebor, is imprisoned, convicted of beating his own daughter into a coma, and murdering a city guard. He does not deny these charges. The night before his execution, Trebor unwittingly consumes the blossoms of a tree with magical properties. It causes his skin to ignite, while simultaneously healing his burns. Trebor, along with two other prisoners, are taken to the Mnemos monastery, the location where these magic blossoms are grown. Their guide, the priest Esirta, reveals that these prisoners will be used to test the effects of new breeds of mnemosyne blossoms. At the monastery, Esirta shows Trebor a particular breed of tree, the soulblossom, the effects of which are unknown. Immediately after consuming the soulblossom, any person at all affected by mnemosynes dies. It is also revealed that those who sleep near the soulblossom experience strange dreams, and that blossoms on the tree point towards the nearest person. While Trebor and Esirta are there, a large number of the blossoms suddenly point at a focus in empty air, something which they have never done before. Bothered by this unusual behavior, Trebor and Esirta choose to leave.
  21. Yup. Just like there's one that turns you invisible by making light not interact with you, this one makes gravity not interact with you, making you weightless. 'Cause, you know, magic! Thanks. Will fix. They had him test all the other blossoms before this one. The only way he could test more is if he waited years for more blossoms to be bred. The rationale is that in this society, most people in comas don't ever wake, so they're as good as dead. I could have made that more clear though; in the second draft, I'll add a line between T and E to this effect. Yeah, I can't claim to filly understand it myself. That said, I heavily based the T/Y relationship on one of my friends and their parents. Despite being physically abused routinely, they definitely still loved their parents, and viewed the abuse as just sort of 'something that happened,' like it wasn't even their parent who was doing it. Apparently, some of their siblings went a step farther, and viewed the beatings as their own fault; they often thought that they deserved it. I did some research, and found that neither of those two attitudes are uncommon in children who have been physically abused, especially from a young age. That said, for the rest of us who haven't been abused, these sorts of attitudes feel shocking and implausible. For that reason, I'm probably going to have Y be less forgiving in draft two. While I was talking to my friend about their parents, the concept that struck mex and inspired me to write this story was that a child abuser could still love their children; that they could be a good person despite repeatedly doing something so inexcusable. I'm having a hard time presenting that message without appearing to dismiss the horror of child abuse, but I want to find a way to. The idea really struck a chord with me, and I wanted to share it with others. Thank you all for your feedback. It's been immensely beneficial, and I look forward to expanding this into a novella with your critiques in mind. This community has been more helpful and supportive than I'd ever hoped. Thanks again, ~PN
  22. This was it. It's a short story which I submitted in two parts. E thinks T has changed because he grows more willing to suffer personal pain for the sake of others. T doesn't believe it until after he saves his daughter. Don't have a specific age, but around 8. Children that grow up in abusive relationships often develop surprisingky good analysis skills as a survival mechanism. Got it. Will change.
  23. About the title: I feel like you're trying to convey two things with it: the desert setting, and the loss and sacrifices that come with old age. With that in mind, I'm gonna throw out a few titles: Dusk over Dunes His Last Oasis The Wasteland of the Mind Sorrows in the Sands They're a bit generic, but hopefully one of them will either strike your fancy, or inspire you to come up with something better
  24. As I go: Pg. 5: "although she one of the few..." although she was one of the few... Pg. 5: "I could bare to speak to" I could bear to speak to... Pg. 11: "Closer to the plaza now the road was cobblestone" Not sure if 'now' is necessary. If it is, there should probably be a comma after it. Overall: Really good. I like how you're contrasting a nation and an individual struggling to maintain their self-identity in the face of external pressure. Compelling stuff. S is well characterized, and I'm empathizing with her struggles. Right now, my biggest concern is that although it makes sense for S to seek out both their mother and the queen, I worry that the means by which they'll be able to will feel contrived. There's an entire country looking for the queen. Why will S be the one to find her? Just to be clear, I'm not saying that your resolution will feel forced, just that it has the potential to. You've set up some very interesting dramatic questions, and its very easy to resolve those sorts of things with a deus ex machina. Finally, a bit of a personal request. You say that you aren't going to go back through too many of the early chapters. When you're done posting those, could you send me the rest of the story? I've gotten invested in these characters and this world, and I want to see how it all turns out! Thanks! ~PN
  25. Agreed. It basically happened because I realized that the story was getting too long, and needed to condense what was going to be several scenes into a few paragraphs. I could have explained this better. E truly believes that the blossoms are divine, and that testing them is vital. At the same time, though, he worries that the prisoners are not truly being offered a chance at redemption, and that he is in essence practicing human sacrifice, which he considers barbaric. His issue is less with the fact that the prisoners die, and more with the idea that he may be failing to offer them redemption. Nope, just seen it on TV shows. Yay! Thanks! Indeed... Very logical and well explored reasons... /sarcasm Thank you very much! I immensely appreciate the feedback, and I'm glad you liked it.