Yuoaman

It looks like I'm definitely not the first one here, but I'll throw my comments into the mix as well. I'll start with my overall impressions and then some not-quite line by line comments. Overall: I think there's an interesting nugget of a story concept here, but it doesn't really get a chance to shine in what you've shared. I don't get much of a sense for the main character's personality other than that they are methodical and maybe a little arrogant? There's an interesting immediacy to your prose, but I feel like there need to be more establishing details for both the characters and the locations involved. Of the four characters of note in your story, only one gets a name and only one gets even a cursory physical description. The situation as well seems to change on a line to line basis, I assumed that the main character was facing hordes of faceless guards but then in a single line the scene has been rearranged into one with just two guards but crowded with non-combatants and also several people that are significant but not significant enough to be noticed until they step forward to speak. I wish the magic at play in the story had a greater impact on what was happening. Other than the main character being imbued with additional physical capabilities I have no idea what the magic does. I get the sense that "the weapon" is magical, but the nature of its power is also unclear. On the subject of comma usage, I noted a few cases of unnecessary commas in the course of reading. Some will probably disagree with some of my concerns, but I usually err on the side of fewer commas, so take it with a grain of salt. That's all I have to say at the moment, I hope none of what I said above or below is discouraging. Like I said at the beginning, there is definitely something interesting here and I hope to see more from you in the future. ======= Page 1: An interesting first line. It's very direct and a good hook. "The weapon pressed, cold, into her hand" reads oddly, the word "cold" singled out by commas breaks up the flow of the sentence, I would say either drop the commas or turn the word into an adverb "2 guards" - should be written as "two guards. The following line could probably go without the comma, something like "the guards ran forward to stop her" is more to the point. "a defining noise" - Deafening? "A man ran up a spear in hand." - sentence should be broken up with a comma or rewritting, unless the man is performing some sick stunts off of a spear "How did you enter?" - This line really pulled me out of the action, it seems so matter of fact and blase and doesn't feel like something someone in his position would ask, also "He" afterwards should not be capitalized. "The others ran at her." - I would go with something like "charged" in place of "ran" to better convey that they are on the attack "She drank the liquid" - this is the introduction of this "liquid" into the story, I would say there needs to be more to establish its presence in the scene. Even something like "She drew the flask from her pocket and quickly downed the liquid" would make its appearance less jarring. "She threw the guards backwards slamming them into the walls behind them" - a missing comma after "backwards" "If they were unconscious or dead she could tell, but she didn't bother to find out." - I think this might have been intended to be "couldn't tell," and the second half should probably be something like "she didn't bother staying to find out." "shet of doors" - "set" probably "where a human heart would have been" - I think this line is too telling, honestly. I think it might be a little more dramatic to be a little more cagey about that reveal, it's a little too forthright as is, at least for my tastes. "and the people and the guards" - are there people there who aren't guards? Even if so, describing each individual group makes the sentence a little busy. "crossbow bolt plunged into her shoulder" - this should probably be its own sentence and should be "A crossbow bolt" "except for him" - Who? No characters have been explicitly described in the scene, is this the king? "to a minor effect" - "to little effect" Page 2: "from before" - More needs to be defined here, does this mean two minutes before the scene started or a thousand years earlier? "the recent disasters" - same concern as last comment, if this is supposed to mean anything to the character or to the reader more needs to be defined "tore threw him" - Probably "tore through him" "the man, her father" - Which one? Only one has been described at all, and both are just called "the man" in this scene. Even something as simple as "the tall man" would help differentiate. The rest of this paragraph continues to describe a scene that should have been described earlier, apparently this is in a crowded room but at no point until now has it been mentioned. "This, like in all things you fail." - This is a very odd sentence construction, something like "Again you fail, like in all other things." would make more sense. Also I'm not sure who is even speaking these lines. "Why is she in a color photo." - I don't think the protagonist needs to think out this whole thought. Something as simple as "A color photograph..." and then having the narration outline that such a thing was an impossibility might read a little clearer. "She pulled on the weapon's barrel" - should probably include some establishing details such as her reaching for the barrel first Page 3: "She pulled on a on one of the guard's guns" - "grabbed" or "picked up" would probably work better in this situation. Also unless these firearms are massive, there's no way they could be used as a makeshift crutch, unless the protagonist is three feet tall at most.

I'm unfamiliar with previous iterations but I did enjoy what I read. Y as a character is intriguing if frustrating at times with his lack of interest in the state of the world beyond how it frustrates him. The world, as well, is very interesting and I reached the end of this wanting to know more about just about every element that was introduced. Overall, I liked what I read and outside of a few exceptions (mentioned below) I was able to understand what was going on character and setting-wise. As always, my page-by-page thoughts: Page 1: -A minor nitpick, but dropping a character's full name when it isn't a big reveal or something similar in narration always sticks out to me. -The "Didn't matter" tirade feels awkward in the middle of a paragraph, I feel like it might need to be separated from Y's musings on the size of Reagan-era Russians. Page 2: -I really have no idea how old Y is supposed to be now. His comments seem to point to him being an adult in the '90s but at the start you mention him being born in 1985. Page 3: -Y's bitterness, while not exactly something I'd enjoy in a person, is drawing me in deeper to this world that has made him this way. I want to know just what happened to this guy. Page 5: -"I'm just [an] upstart Terran" Page 6: -The few hints of Cellulose tech are intriguing and I definitely want more. Page 7: -I wish we got a few more details about the actual physical space of the ship, but I understand that might bog things down. -I don't understand why the screens are shattering in this way, and seems like it should be avoidable after the first mishap. Page 8: -If he isn't wearing shoes what is he wearing? Is he wearing some sort of techno-sock or just some sort of plastic sleeve? I can't imagine everyone on Earth just giving up on foot protection and sanitation entirely. Page 11: -The interview sequence is a lot of fun but also makes me frustrated with Y for not being more interested in the other party.

I really enjoyed this opener, while it's a bit on the slow side—especially before the big reveal in the investigation—I don't feel like it was plodding since it was carried by M's strong narrative voice. Speaking of M, while their emotional detachment made them a little hard to relate to on a personal level that didn't make them any less interesting to follow, as their quirks seemed to mesh very well with the sort of character needed to carry a story like this. In terms of the promises being made I see several. The first promise is the obvious one: that the mystery is going to be solved, probably by M, or else the story might just end as an exercise in frustration. The second is that the Society's secret is one that's going to shake M's world in some fashion. Another promise is that the System Beasts are likely to play some sort of role in the mystery, otherwise, why would we get so much of M's musings on the purpose of their research? I've read a couple pieces set in this world before and I had no trouble following the "rules" established in this story, I think you did a fine job telling us how things work and showing us in the action of the story, so I wouldn't worry on that front. As always, my (somewhat) page by page thoughts: Page 1: -The viewpoint character's analytical observations of their own situation is a little off-putting but does a really great job of setting up character. Page 2: -I like how the viewpoint character's investigation is broken up frequently by small actions (like adjusting their glasses) and even full tangents of worrying about how this inconveniences them—it gives the scene some breathing room and prevents the observations from becoming overwhelming. -The mention of the "unique" situation that brought the research group together piques my interest. Page 3: -The viewpoint character's project and circumstances being partially secret nicely explains why they are conducting this investigation themselves and didn't immediately fetch help. I do wish that hints of this had come a little earlier, though, as the approval process seemed to be a pretty ordinary one earlier on, and not something that could possibly be suspicious. Page 4: -The Society of Two Houses being a secret at all feels a little strange, especially since the epigraph at the beginning presented maji able to hear two Symphonies as well-known, and there was no indication that the epigraph was from a private diary or something. Page 5: -I always love seeing how different forms of magic intersect in fiction, so the reveal of what the viewpoint character's two Symphonies can accomplish in concert (pun intended) is a real treat. Page 7: -While I still don't get why the Society is a secret, it works well as part of the mystery, drawing me deeper into the flow of the story. Page 10: -I really like the conversation between these two characters, it doesn't drag and we get a lot of key information here. I still wish—and I hate to harp on this—that I had some indication as to why the Society is a secret, though. Especially now that its leader can apparently have a body just disappeared with little fanfare. -It's nice to have our viewpoint character also agree that it's fishy for the Society to be secret. Page 11: -My biggest disappointment is that things ended so abruptly before I could any deeper into this mystery and to the world itself.

It's been a while, everyone! Life has been very hectic but with my holiday hibernation finally coming to an end I thought I'd try to get back in the swing of both writing and critiquing!

That's actually a super interesting idea! Baked into the system is the idea that there is a certain level of proficiency that is instinctual, but this adds a bit of "crunchiness" to it that makes it feel more believable to me.

I haven't been on the forums for a while, sorry for missing your comment until now! You hit the nail on the head in regards to what my worries are in regards to this system. Will and it being finite is my big check against all theurgists being godlike but I definitely need to come up with additional constraints to keep things interesting. I've already cut down on the number of bonds to two (Transformation, changing the form of energy; and Redirection, which is just what it sounds like) but an additional idea I'm playing with is that the person using a Bond has to actually understand what they're doing, they have to know how much energy they need to draw and exactly what sort of reactions it needs to perform in a measurable way. My worry with this is that it might bog down some of the more high-level uses of Dynatheurgy and make it read like a university physics textbook or something.

Congrats to the both of you! Also, sorry I dropped off of the face of the earth for a few weeks, life got pretty hectic, but I'll be delivering critiques over the course of the next couple of days, and am still planning on contributing something sooner rather than later.

I'll answer your questions, and then get into my more detailed thoughts and nitpicks below! 1: It definitely entertains! 2: Somewhat, I would have liked more scenes with these characters just interacting to get a better handle on their personalities, but given the short story format they were solid enough. 3: Again, somewhat, I feel like conceptually there's a solid through-line, but it's missing some key connective tissue to make it more organic, but the bones are interesting and consistent. 4: For me, it does. The story promised some rough characters getting into trouble and for the most part that's what I got. I go into more detail below, but generally, I think the ending would work better with some more lead-up and if we got more from the MC so we see how he makes his decision. 5: I could honestly use more telegraphing. I also feel that the characters might be a little too happy at the end, especially considering that the MC definitely did consider turning on them and they know they did. 1: -The introductory paragraph is very abrupt. I get that's what you're aiming for here, but some additional lead-up before "and then there was a second person and they were punching me" would help me ease into the story a little better. -Pennice's dialect is basically gibberish to me, he could be talking about taxes for all I can decipher. 2: -I'm not sure if the "left outdoors too long" was intended as some sort of insult or if it was intended literally, but since this is a fantasy story I'm going to read on as if it was the latter. -"The gulls still skirled" - I think this is meant to be "swirled" 3: -"that bard in Ironbrook's song" - might work better as "that bard from Ironbrook's song" 4: -This is definitely nitpicky, and more of a personal taste, but I feel that "Who was 'we'? Surely, I meant I" passage would work better being split off as its own paragraph. 5: -"switch already glowed" - should be "switch already glowing" 6: -I feel that MC deciding to stick with his friends comes out of nowhere, even just a few tweaks to the preceding scenes to show their mounting horror as they come to terms with their friends' possible deaths would make a world of difference. As it is, we entirely miss out on what's going on in their head. 7: -The "It's just for show" line feels unnecessary and I think the scene might be more punchy with just the preceding line and then the action. -I think some additional description for the master wand might help, because I'm not sure if I was meant to be picturing like a war horn in my head, but that's what I did when the word "horn" is used. I didn't mind the ending, though I would have liked more build up to it, and I feel like the complete end to the group's tension at the end is a bit out of place. I'd imagine they would still be fairly strained, even if the MC proved to be a true ally. As well, the line that revealed that the MC was playing both sides could have been more direct. The line from the Enforcer itself is fine, it's just that it comes in the middle of an action scene and I feel some additional details there could make it more obvious that the comment isn't directed at the MC himself, which is how I interpreted it on my first pass.

All of these interesting submissions are really lighting a fire under me and I think I'm going to try to have something ready for the submission date after next. No promises, but I'm going to give it my all.

The current one I'm working on for a project is very similar to sympathy, where practitioners manipulate energy using will, but with risks more akin to those that male channelers experience in The Wheel of Time. I'm still fairly early, and a lot of the background mechanics would spoil huge parts of the underlying mythology and history of the setting, but I definitely want it to feel unique. For example, practitioners have an additional sense that allows them to detect various forms of energy, similar to electroreception in some aquatic organisms. Not to shill, but I've gone over a good chunk of this in a thread elsewhere on the forum as well.

Overall: I really enjoyed this, it was very polished and had great momentum. I feel like there was very little wasted space, and it got me invested in S and their struggles very quickly. There were also some great hints to the setting that piqued my interest that I look forward to learning more of in the future. I, like @Paracosmic_nomenclator , didn't get S's heated reaction to the term "daughter" when it first cropped up, though by the time they had reached the workshop I had caught wise to the context. Like @Asmodemon , I would have liked to get some sense as to what S looks like at some point in this chapter. While I have a decent grasp of S's character I would not be able to pick them out of a lineup, and I think that's fairly important. I genuinely really enjoyed it, though, and especially enjoyed S, who makes for an intriguing protagonist. Detailed: Page 1: -A really strong first line, it sets the scene very well. -The details of the alchemical procedures feel very well realized and are described well. Page 3: -The protagonist's annoyance at the prospect of visitors does a good job of building the setting without feeling like an info-dump. Page 5: -I wish we had gotten S's name earlier than this, but it makes sense that this would be the first opportunity for it to be spoken aloud. Page 6: -S enjoying the scents of fungal decay is an interesting little aside that adds character to them. Page 7: -S's discomfort and turmoil are incredibly vivid and it really draws me into their struggle. Page 8: -I realized right at the beginning of this page that things weren't right, and I found it frustrating that S was not catching on. But given their focus on personal matters it does make perfect sense. Page 12: -Seriously, why would a witch want a woodcutter? Page 14: -Were S's pouches mentioned earlier? I don't recall if they were or not. Page 16: -The description of S's kidnapper's plight is both horrifying and mesmerizing in equal measure. It couldn't have happened to a better guy. -"He was...he melting," - there's probably a "was" missing here. -The description of his condition after this is a bit confusing, some additional lines might clarify. Is his skin bunching up so tightly that it's ripping free of the muscle? That's what I'm picturing, but I'm not sure if that's right. Page 17: -"The logic thing" - probably mean "the logical thing" -Weren't there two guards? I thought maybe the second had perished in the explosion, but afterwards S thinks, "these two would kill me," which suggests that both are still alive, maybe make it clear earlier on that only one of the thugs still lives?

Overall: I haven't read the previous chapters so I may be missing some key information but this definitely doesn't feel like the third chapter of a story. There's very little conflict here and not a whole lot of character. It feels like an extended setup for something that might materialize later. I don't get much of a sense for who Petro is or why he's getting swept up in these things. For example, I don't understand why exactly he would be working in the kitchens at all, considering there seems to be a long (possibly hours' long?) journey between his home and his workplace - it would make far more sense to hire local boys than some kid from the countryside who has a greater chance of being late. I also wish Petro as a character had more to work with, he very much seems to only be reacting to things, there isn't much going on inside and I think that could definitely be improved with some internal monologuing or even just making him more vocal. The pacing was also way over the place, the first ten or so pages dragged a lot and then suddenly we were just getting an overview of a period of three weeks? I also feel that the kitchen scene should come in its own chapter, but that may just be me. There were also quite a few grammar and spelling errors, I wrote down what I was able to in my detailed notes below, but I definitely missed some. One thing I did like were the occasional references to Petro's training with his uncle, I don't know their context but they intrigued me more than the immediate conflicts in this section of the story. I would have like dto see more of those references seeded throughout the length of it, it might also give Petro a touchstone with which to compare his current experiences. Detailed: Page 1: -"It will be a beautiful day" reads a little strangely, I think "It is going to be a beautiful day" might work better in this context -"scent of clean" is another thing that reads oddly, "clean scent" might work better -"that awakened up before sunup," I think you mean "that he awakened before sunup" or "that he woke up before sunup" Page 2: -"a wrinkled face with the skin that seemed more leathery than flesh" should probably be "a wrinkled face with skin that seemed more leather than flesh" Page 3: -There's an end quote missing from the old man's first statement. -"them leaving Petro dumbfounded" - the "them" is unnecessary. Page 4: -What is a servicer? -The use of "guy" to describe the strange man pulls me out of things here, the word carries a very modern connotation that seems at odds with the setting. Page 6: -"Before Petro thought considered what happened" - I think this is supposed to be "Before Petro could consider what happened" -You misspelled Petro's name as "Peto", though that might be intentional from Kether. -"Is he serious about the bats?" - I genuinely don't understand what this is supposed to mean, does Petro not understand metaphor? Or did I miss a reference? -"half of the city" - missing a period after this. Page 7: -"more towering" is some weird phrasing, I'd recommend something like "towered further" -The use of cement is another thing that seems excessively modern from what I've seen thus far. -"you might wonder why it was there" - I get that Pheldo's words are intended to be cryptic but I can't tell if this is a non-sequitur or he's talking about the fields here. Page 8: -"Their faces were sculpted with gargoyles in mind." - Are the girls in any way unattractive? I have no idea what these characters look for except that they look like twins but are not. This jab seems to come entirely out of left field. -The description of the girls' appearances should have come earlier, when the two first arrived at the cart, it's a little late to be getting names and descriptions now. Page 9: -"older boy" - It's only now that I'm realizing that I have no idea how old any of these characters are. I assumed that Petro and the girls were mid-late teens while Kether seemed to be older, perhaps in his twenties, given Petro's interactions with him. -"Le-el-nn" - this had me stumped. My first thought was that he was attempting some sort of magical incantation but I figured out that the intention was likely to say "Leave them alone." If that is the case I'd recommend making it a little more obvious by filling in more of it to make it less confusing. Page 10: -"Kether raised his hands to his shoulders, on either side of his face." - Whose shoulders, whose face? -Kether's sudden change in personality is very jarring. He seemed a tad arrogant, but more foppish than malicious early on, but now he's done a sudden turn and I feel you could seed some of this into their earlier interactions to make it more clear that this is who he is. -"sometimes this moon" - "sometime this moon" Page 11: -Why does Kethar move towards the girls when Petro's the one who called for him to stop? Seems incongruent. -It's really unclear how Petro was able to fall out of the cart, I assumed it had walls high enough to prevent this sort of thing, you might want to give it a more detailed earlier on for this sort of payoff. -"A clacked" - "It clacked" Page 12: -Is there any sort of reasoning behind the wheel no longer squealing? It seems an odd thing to notice. -I think it might have worked better to split the following kitchen scenes off as a completely new chapter. Page 13: -I'm kind of confused, the way Kethar was talking made it seem like he was some sort of lord out in the country, but apparently he's just another kitchen worker? Page 14: -"the corpulent" - "the corpulent man" Page 15: -"threw him inside the kitchen" - Petro wasn't inside the kitchen already? I thought he had already taken steps inside and was just in front of the doorway. Page 17: -"That's what I figured you say." - Petro didn't say anything, he just nodded. And it should be "you'd say," not "you say" Page 18: -Should the door really have any sort of grime on it if this man runs as good a kitchen as he supposedly does? -Why does the kitchen have its own dungeon specifically for washing pots? Seems like it would be more efficient to just have it be a side-room that is properly lit. -"hold in the wall" should probably be "hole in the wall" Page 20: -Why wouldn't Petro's senior have been at work already? Seems irresponsible to not have someone train the new kid. -Jaimar's initial description repeats the same details over and over again and could probably be tightened up a great deal. Page 22: -"chaotic work pace" would probably work better as just "chaotic pace" Page 25: -The sudden time skip throws me, it feels like this should come after a chapter break. Page 26 -didn't have to simple farm work" missing a "do" or "perform" in there. Page 27 -"Despite the glares and insults," - unnecessary comma -"that all change" - "that all changed"

I jumped in there (before I knew RE was a thing) for feedback on my story's magic system because where better to get feedback for something like that than a Brandon Sanderson fan site? I imagine most of my efforts will turn to the RE forum since I've worked through most of the kinks of that system and I have the skeleton of a story to use it in. Also, all of this week's submissions are motivating me to finally finish this outline and maybe take a crack at actually wading into the story proper.

Page 1: -Capitalizing "Guard" is a little odd, but it's too early for me to tell if this is in error or if it is intended to be a proper noun. -"slicked with sweat" should probably be "slick with sweat". Page 2: -"and little difference in the results" should probably be "with little difference in the results" -"silent" is an odd descriptor for tears since tears on their own don't really have a sound to them. Something like "streaming" might make more sense? -"unanswered mysteries" is another weird bit of phrasing since a mystery on its own is something that isn't necessarily answered. Maybe shortening it to the priest's voice being "full of mystery?" -I honestly thought at this point that the flames were still localized to just a couple of rings around him. Perhaps add some more hints as to its spread in these scenes? Page 3: -The usage of Centigrade in this fantasy setting threw me off a bit, but I don't know how you'd get around it and make it understandable to the reader. -Why is Esirta inquiring as to their crimes? It seems unlikely that there are other guardsmen escorting trios of prisoners that he could be mistaken with. Page 4: -"and I am in the higher ranks of the Themian church" seems a bit on-the-nose, especially considering the passages preceding it. Perhaps have him make a more oblique reference, "and you know the sort that I consort with," or something less explanatory. Page 5: -"wetted his tongue" should just be "wet his tongue" Page 6: -"create a breed" sounds odd to my ear, maybe "cultivate" would work better in this context? -"lightless fires of the eternal night" makes for some great imagery. Page 7: -The section concerning the "soulblossom" feels a bit too infodump-y and would probably flow better if, again, the characters were more oblique. The priests all know what they are referring to and they have no real reason to explain it so that Trebor (and the reader) can understand. Page 8: -The description of the tree and its blossoms was very striking and drew me into the narrative quite a bit. OVERALL: I'm very intrigued by the setting and the lore surrounding the trees and their magic than I am by the plot or the characters thus far. Trebor has a few flashes of character here and there but for the most part, he seems only to react, and rather sluggishly, to what is happening to him. I'd like to see more of his internal thoughts, I want to know how he feels about all of this more than I'm getting. I'd like the same from Esirta as well, but he has more character to show even just in this small portion of the story. There's also a small problem with some minor infodumping at a few points, but for the most part, things flowed very well. I definitely like what you've presented here and I look forward to reading more of it from you!

Apologies if I was overlong, but I always find that I have a lot to say. Page 1: -The first paragraph is very dense and could be tightened up a lot. For example: "He was in the 10 to 12-ish age range," feels kind of jarring to read and would probably read better if it was more general. -I think the description of the boy's family as "viking-esque" is a bit unwieldy and it might work better to just flat out call them vikings or barbarians. -Like earlier I think the phrasing of "-ish" when it comes to ages is pretty unwieldy and it might work better to rephrase it. Also six years seems a far cry from what I would consider a baby. -"the blue of death," is another phrase that reads oddly. It might be a part of the protagonist's voice, but it reads awkwardly like much of this paragraph. -The flow of time in these early parts are a little jarring. After the protagonist encounters the little girl the story abruptly speeds up and I think it would read better if the earlier parts were as breezy and quick. -The use of commas, em-dashes, and parenthesis is a little inconsistent, but that's just me nitpicking. -I wish the revelation of the girl's nature had come with a bit more preamble, it feels overly sudden, even with the short length of the story. Page 2: -The short paragraphs in this section really suit the story very well and I feel like if the introduction were reworked to fit in a similar style it would tighten it up a lot. Page 3: -The line "IT'S TRADITIONAL!!" temporarily pulled me out of the story, both because of the capitalization and the double exclamation points. I think it would work better simply italicized. -As above, most of the words emphasized with capitalization would be more aesthetically pleasing and read better if they were italicized instead, but that's just my opinion. -(Just imagine these me including these same criticisms whenever the situation arises throughout the rest of the story.) Page 4: -The sudden slowing of time to focus on this conversation between the two is very effective and I echo my sentiment that it would work even better were the opening of the story as fast paced as much of the story. Page 5: -I like "traditional" being capitalized, in this way, something about that helps it stick in my mind. -"He didn't really understand that." Just a nitpick, but I think this might flow better without "that" in the sentence. Page 6: -"one of this brothers was dead" - I imagine you meant "one of his brothers was dead" -I had to scroll up to check but for some reason I had thought that the ice-dragon had been present when dragon meat had originally been suggested as a meal. Maybe make it more clear that he was alone with his family? Page 7: -"The boy idly wondered if all dragons played at being human before they were inevitably betrayed, or if she was alone in trying to escape her deadly nature." - This is probably my favorite line, and I feel like this is the focal point of the story, it's a really interesting question raised, and one I don't expect will be answered. Page 8: -These last two pages really stick the landing for this story and you ended on another great line. Overall, I really enjoyed your work. The bulk of the prose had this airy quality which really made it feel like and old story, almost like a remembered legend, and I really dug that. I do feel like it took you a while to find your footing with it, and it definitely shows in the early paragraphs, but I think it was well worth the read and I hope to see more from you in the future!

Yes, the problem now is that if I ever encounter him when he isn't exclusively talking and/or thinking about breasts I won't even recognize the character.

Hail and well met, fellow writers! I'm new to the writing group and this will be my first critique, I hope I don't come off as a complete idiot! Now, I don't have any familiarity with previous entries in this sequence, so I apologize if I don't pick up on anything that would be obvious to returning readers! Page 1: -My initial thought is that the title is very attention-grabbing and immediately gets me wondering what I'm getting myself into. -The first two paragraphs set the scene quite well and they ease into the setting very well so it works both as a continuation of past works and as a standalone. Page 2: -The phrase "poured into" a dress is a great mental image. -When Rilan "tuned in" to eavesdrop the magic at work in the story seemed to click for me very easily, the first instance of it was a little obtuse, but the phrasing here is very simple but gets a lot across. -"an ambulatory sponge" is another fantastic mental image. Page 3: -It was really interesting to experience control of the situation being wrested from our viewpoint character in moments the way Quirk did, and it served to really draw me into these new characters very quickly. -"Shiv's knees - The man's suit" - I believe the dash in this passage was intended to be an em-dash like the rest of the text. -The passage about the man's suit lacking bacteria is very well constructed but I have to admit it took me a couple of passes to understand exactly what was being conveyed. Page 4: -Quirk and Magda's short aside concerning breasts made me snort at its suddenness (in a good way). -Just a general note that I really like the flow of the dialogue between these three. Page 5: -The sudden juxtaposition of Quirk bringing up space flight in something I had been reading as exclusive fantasy threw me for a bit of a loop, but I imagine I might have known this if I hadn't just jumped into this tale as I did. Page 7: -The proposed wager also threw me for a loop, but it made perfect sense given how Magda and Quirk have been characterized thus far. Page 8: -Things are proceeding fast enough that it's hard to keep, but I have to admit a wrestling match was not what I was expecting. Page 11: -I'm a big fan of the way you constructed the wrestling scene in general. The frequent quips and news bulletins concerning Quirk keep it from being a simple "She did x, y, and finally z," affair. Page 12: -I appreciate the brief feud between these characters ended amicably because it holds the promise of more banter and inappropriately-timed discussions of breasts. Overall, I had a great deal of fun reading the story and I found myself increasingly drawn in thanks to Rilan's voice and her interactions with Quirk and Magda. The few tantalizing hints of magic and setting were also appreciated and left me hungry for more.

I appreciate the support! I hope some of the new developments I have interest you! === As I indicated earlier, it is generally believed that each person has a finite amount of will and that depleting it over a lifetime can lead to reduced empathy, but a Dynatheurgist doesn't necessarily have access to all of this at once. While beliefs differ wildly depending on who you are speaking with, there are several core tenets that most agree on. Each person is believed to have a "reservoir" of will that exists between their physical self and the inner self—that is, the soul. When too much of this reservoir is used by a Dynatheurgist in one Bond it leaves the soul unprotected from the rigors of the physical realm and leaves them in danger of being "cracked." Cracking isn't necessarily a death sentence for a theurgist, the most common effect of a minor cracking is mood swings and apathy that usually clears up after several weeks abstaining from Dynatheurgy entirely. The damage, however, is irreversible, and a theurgist who has been cracked once will more easily crack in the future, leading to a whole host of problems, including hallucinations, insomnia, and major depressive episodes that all too often results in suicide. There are asylums throughout the world devoted to caring for Dynatheurgists who have become so cracked that they have become a danger to others and themselves. The telltale aloofness of Dynatheurgists isn't necessarily a sign of cracking, it seems to come on over the years regardless of a theurgist's care in using their will. Whether this reduced level of empathy and aloofness has any effect on the cracking process at all is unknown. A theurgist's reach into this reservoir, and therefore their risk of cracking, is determined by age and experience. The more often a theurgist creates Bonds that require an investment of will the more they will be able to draw on in the future, and the more easily they will be able to do so—even unintentionally. This does mean, however, that the most talented Dynatheurgists are those most at risk of overextending themselves and cracking, even when performing simple tasks. This has led to several leading organizations in the field to order their best and brightest to abstain from expending will in any Bonds whatsoever, in order to further research and development.

I can tolerate a great deal of deviation, as long as the major touchstones are still in place. For example, if a hypothetical Stormlight film starred a Kaladin that was a Hollywood action hero I would feel a bit betrayed since that archetype has nothing to do with the core of the character. As long as the resulting film rings true for me on a personal level I will be fine, regardless of how accurate to the text it is.

I'm of the opinion that an author's personal views do matter to an extent and if I believed Brandon was actually homophobic I would almost definitely stop supporting his works, it's why I'll probably never support Orson Scott Card unless he publicly renounces pretty much everything he's ever said on the topic. While a lot of Brandon's words on the subject are just plain wrong and even damaging those were written years ago and Brandon seems like a very reasonable person who has spent the intervening years listening to people in situations other than his own to form more nuanced views.

Hello, everyone my name is Yuoaman (or Nick, feel free to call me either)! I've been a fan of Brandon's works since high school and a lot of them have gotten me through some tough times. I've also made several attempts at writing throughout my life and am hoping to make this current attempt stick, you may have spotted me posting in the Creator's Corner to that effect over the last few days. I'm pretty open to talking and I hope to get to know many of you in the future!

That actually slots into some of the background mechanics of the system pretty well! Perhaps these effects manifest as a result of how well they are at creating Bonds. A more skilled Dynatheurgists will be able to create a Bond with the least amount of expended will and energy while an untrained novice is going to flail around quite a bit and drain themselves of will much more quickly in the long run.

I think people pointing to Sadeas' POV as evidence that Adolin is morally in the right are forgetting one important fact: no one else on Roshar knows what the heck goes on I'm Sadeas' head. We know that Sadeas is entirely committed to his course and even revels on it, but Adolin and those around him can't read minds. For all they know Sadeas' words were all bluster and the man was days away from an epiphany about the power of friendship.

You bring up a really good point, and one I hadn't considered! I might try and lift the color wight concept from Brent Weeks' Lightbringer series and reshape it a bit to give Dynatheurgy some physiological costs as well.

I have to believe that even a man as wretched and blood-drenched as Sadeas has good in him and could change so no, I don't think Adolin's actions were just or moral. I did, however, understand why Adolin did it in the heat of the moment, I even felt relief, honestly. Boiled down: Cool motive, still murder.