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About Truthweaver

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    The Mogget
  • Birthday January 31

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    Reading, writing, drawing, bass-playing...and cats

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  1. Yay, part two! Pg 2 "Then I will take my leave and see if I can as well." It took me a second to realize what J was referring to here, maybe this line could be clearer. The action sequence here read well to me and I could visualize J's movements clearly, so good job! However, I see what the others are saying about how J moved the spear. It's a cool visual, which I liked, but the same result could be accomplished in a simpler way. Pg 3 "By the way, why do you give your guards smoke grenades?" I found that the jump here to the next paragraph was a bit too quick. I was expecting to read J throwing the grenade down. Also, just out of curiosity, why do the guards have smoke grenades? ...with his hand... You don't need this, since gesturing already implies that he's using his hand. "I've informed all the guards..." How did E do this so quickly? Has a portion of time already passed since J's exit? Or maybe I'm just missing something. Pg 4 "lesser paintings of some of the ancient lessors of history" I know what you meant here, but you might consider using another word besides lessors to keep the sentence from sounding repetitive. Maybe inferior paintings? Pg 5 "A nest of iron beams..." I like the imagery here, very nice. Also, I just wanted to mention that the POV changes read very naturally to me this time. The switches feel smooth and expected, so nice work! Pg 8 The build up is great so far, especially in the scene where E is betrayed. Overall I really enjoyed this. As @MistbornAlpaca said, the pacing was great and the POV switches were well done. I agree that the dialogue did feel a bit clunky in spots, but I could follow it and it didn't take me out of the story. Well done!
  2. Overall, I liked where this one is going! Heist stories interest me, and the writing and dialogue were pretty solid. I do agree with kais though, the POV switches were a bit jarring, especially the first one from E to G. The characters sounded similar, but that's something I struggle with too and it can be fixed with practice. The ending was great and the buildup there was very nice, but it wasn't as strong as it could have been through the rest of the story. Limiting the number of POVs could help with that. -pg 6: ...stinging the thief... I was taken out of the story a bit here when G was referred to as "the thief" when you just used "his" for him earlier. -There should be a "the" before interior. -"He wasn't going to blame..." This read like a run-on sentence. -pg11: I find it hard to believe that an un-bid on item is just given to someone. This might make sense, but there should be more explanation. -pg13: "...which he intended to." I don't think you need this. -pg17: Should be "you can't sell it." I'm looking forward to reading part 2!
  3. I had a pun about amnesia, but I forget it.
  4. Was talking about the cosmere with a friend today and, because I have a head cold and am dead tired, my brain decided to make me say "Brandon Magicson's sander systems." Instead of, you know, Brandon Sanderson's magic systems. As if trying to make someone understand the cosmere isn't confusing enough already.
  5. Avengers: Infinity War
  6. Someone paid for my hot meal when I went to the grocery store yesterday! At the checkout I realized I'd left my card at home, so I asked the cashier to set my food aside for me while I rushed home to find it. When I came back, she told me the older gentleman in line behind me had paid for it! So nice of him, and really appreciated. Also I noticed that I now have a "Members" title under my pic. I assume that's a good thing?
  7. What do you call it when sodium hits chloride? A salt.
  8. I've got another one. A captain and crew were piloting a state-of-the-art submarine that was so advanced it was nearly self-aware. As they were steering it through the depths of the ocean, an enormous whale suddenly rose up in front of them. Without any assistance from the captain, the submarine executed a precise maneuver that took them out of the whale's path, saving the lives of both the crew and the sea creature. The first mate was astounded. "That was amazing!" he cried. "I never knew this submarine could do such a thing!" "Oh, I wasn't worried," the captain said, smiling proudly. "It knew what to do in its subconscious." (I'm sorry)
  9. What do you call it when someone writes a long, angry complaint about a diner? A restau-rant.
  10. This actually happened today: Me: "Chocolate milk doesn't agree with me." Dad: "Aw, what were you arguing about?"
  11. Thank you They don't let their kittens go until they're sixteen weeks at least. I'm perfectly fine with that since it will let her settle into my home more easily.
  12. So...I'm going to adopt this kitten when she's old enough for a new home. She has the bluest eyes and was so interested in staring at my face! Her name is Sunny
  13. The Fitz and the Fool Trilogy
  14. @Zellyia @Sunbird @SilverTiger Thanks everyone for your comments. It's very lonely today without him around, I keep half-expecting to see him saunter into the room and do that cat slow-blink at me.
  15. @Zellyia Thanks. We had to put him down this morning because he got worse overnight. It was an enlarged heart that was causing his partial paralysis. He was only two years old.