This will be somewhat lengthy, a little bit rambling, and possibly quite petty. almost a year ago I decided I liked a certain girl, she was funny nice and I had introduced her to her first Sanderson book (the Emporer's Soul) a few months later I asked her if she wanted to attend the Skyward release party with me that night we decided to start dating. I find that she is more often than not factoring into my longterm plans and I into hers. Now you might be saying "TFA, what part of this is bad news" well it's not, yet. Unfortunately, I have a beef with her family. As a rule, I strive to expect honor from those I interact with as well as giving them a chance to live up to it. On several occasions he had ignored her when she wanted to talk in favor of a video game, he imposes ridiculous and nonsensical curfews that range from 8:00 PM to 2:00 AM with no apparent pattern or reason. She is an adult who lives at home who has acted out once 8 years ago. However, I trusted his judgment and trying to remind myself that he was just doing his best, that he was just attempting to shelter her from a cruel world. But yesterday he asked me not to see her for a week. Now a week isn't long but the idea of him trying to control her really bothers me, she is an adult, admittedly one that lives under his roof, but still. I cannot see control as honorable it is against a lot of stuff I believe in but it seems her sister and her father is always trying to manipulate her through her unconditional love towards them. The last thing I want is to come between her and her family, I don't want to be the person that drives a wedge between them but I find it increasingly hard to respect him.
I tend to think of life as a game of chess, every move is important (some more than others) and sometimes when one focuses on a few pieces one gets outmaneuvered and into trouble. It's better to separate yourself and look at the whole board and make calculated and informed decisions that move you towards goals or protect me from others. But more and more I find that view him as an opponent, one whose goals clash with my own. I find myself weighing moves to outmaneuver him, all while protecting myself from potential offensives. I know this is as nonsensical as an 8:00 curfew on a Friday, perhaps more so, but I can't seem to help it. This piece of me scares me, it sees friends, enemies, and strangers as pieces to be manipulated. It is coldly calculating and Machiavellian. I don't think I want to be that person though. I am constantly questioning who I am and how I factor into the world. And more importantly, I can't help wondering if I'm secretly a villain in disguise. I worry that when I am an immoral scumbag who masquerades as a paragon (or at the least a practitioner) of ethics. There is a quote from Hamlet that comes to mind, "That one may smile, and smile, and be a villain" I wonder if this describes me.