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Ace of Hearts

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  3. 5/22/23 - Ace of Hearts - Bond of Wildflowers v2 sub 14, 2092 words (VG)

    in Reading Excuses

    Posted

    On 5/25/2023 at 4:32 PM, Mandamon said:

    This had some good movement to it, and we learn some interesting things about B. I like W's little revelation. That's something I like in general about this book: people don't wallow in their errors forever. They make decisions and realize how they can change.

    I'm still getting a little mixed up on characters, now everyone's in play. Especially with who is who's child and how the three (four?) factions relate to each other. Having a little more setup earlier in the book would help.

    I can feel things wrapping up, though! How many more submissions do you estimate?

    Thanks for your comments! I have a feeling there's going to be more confusion with the characters in the next couple of subs since there's a lot of characters turning on each other pretty quickly. I'll take a step back and reassess once I'm through submitting the whole thing.

    There's 15k words left, so probably 4-5 subs. Which was more than I was expecting based on how far we are, so there could potentially be room to cut down.

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  6. 5/15/23 - Ace of Hearts - Bond of Wildflowers v2 sub 13, 3068 words, L

    in Reading Excuses

    Posted

    On 5/16/2023 at 2:45 PM, Mandamon said:

    I think almost everything works on the "going wrong" portion of things. Two places where I had a little trouble:

    1) B murdered someone last chapter and now N is just taking her word. They've repeated a lot that they can't lie, but N also knows how that works. He knows the truth can be twisted. Maybe one more try/fail cycle in there to really convince him that B is presenting the facts accurately? W also doesn't really show herself well at this point. She's also just seen someone murdered, so maybe she's in shock? I would think she would protest a little more, though.

    2) The agency vs. the Arch family. I think there needs to be a little more buildup earlier in the story about how they are different and if they have different aims. They're now being pitted against each other and I'm not sure if it's a betrayal by one of the other, or if they've always been at odds. Having some more background would be nice.

    Thanks for your feedback! These were both points I had my eye on so it's good to get confirmation that they stick out.

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  8. 5/15/23 - Ace of Hearts - Bond of Wildflowers v2 sub 13, 3068 words, L

    in Reading Excuses

    Posted

    Additional content warning for abusive relationships.
     
    Seems like people are pretty busy, so I'm going to try to make these subs a bit shorter so it's less of a hassle to keep up.
     
    In a relationship story there has to be a point near the end where everything goes wrong in the relationship, which we're hitting today. It's important for this to come across well, so any suggestions on that front are appreciated! Thanks as always!
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  10. Reading Excuses - 01052023- Jamesbondsmith - Keeping Quiet - V

    in Reading Excuses

    Posted

    Wow I thought I got here late but looks like I'm first!

    Overall: Interesting concept with a lot of good details to set the atmosphere in a short amount of time. I was engaged the whole way through! Two major points: first, I think M’s condition can get tangled up in how it depicts disability. It’s scratching the surface of a complicated subculture and lived experience that the story doesn’t seem fully equipped to fully delve into, especially with his feelings of isolation. Second, and this is my comment with 95% of short stories I see, short stories need something really weird and distinct to stand out. What’s here is solid and that is worth quite a bit, but the way the pieces fit together is almost a little too neat and there’s not a ton to delve into after finishing.

    As I go:

    Pg 1. I like the variety of background details we get on the characters and setting but I think we’re missing a real hook. When a reader looks at this, what do you want to jump out at them as being distinct and engaging?

    Pg 2. This feels like a continuation of the background given in page 1. With only four pages I think the story needs to establish how it’s moving here

    Pg 3. M didn’t strike me as the type to attack the robbers head-on, and I think the earlier pages could paint him in a light that helps this make sense. Sure, he’s someone whose longing means he doesn’t have much to lose in the present, but that alone isn’t sufficient for me.

    -The supernatural element is interesting here, though I can’t speak as to whether or not it holds up with respect to disability. Regardless, I think we need more hints that this is magic beforehand, ideally in the first paragraph/sentence.

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  14. 03/24/2023 - Kais - MM - Chapter 4 (L) - 2073 words

    in Reading Excuses

    Posted

    Overall: I didn’t get a good sense of tension/motion/plot here. Like I say in LBLs I’m guessing part of this is because it’s been a while since the last sub but even with that I think I’m a bit too disconnected from the characters. It doesn’t feel like D really accomplishes anything here, and since I’m not connected to her planning and deduction I don’t have a good feel for the cause and effect of the story. For example, Y finding the suspicious dildo feels random and to some degree unearned even though it’s a reasonable thing to happen because it’s not tied to D being proactive or figuring something out. If we’re supposed to be picking up on hints and putting things together on our own by this point I didn’t catch any of it, so ultimately I think I need more to work with here even if it’s just D telling us what she thinks about the situation.    

    As I go:

    Pg 1-2. I’m looking for a chapter hook and not really finding one. I’m probably just forgetting since the last sub was a while ago but it could help for D to be focusing on what she’s actually trying to accomplish here.

    Pg 3. I’ll try not to keep repeating my old points but why is Y here again? She’s clearly not being helpful and I don’t remember exactly what she’s trying to get out of this either.

    Pg 5-6. It’s easy to see that D is doing investigation work but I don’t get a sense of progress because I can’t really tell what she’s looking for. Maybe it’s more obvious to someone who remembers the past chapters (or to someone who isn’t ace), but I do think a good mystery should key us into the investigator’s ideas and deductions regardless.

     

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  18. 4/17/23 - Ace of Hearts - Bond of Wildflowers v2 sub 10, 3107 words

    in Reading Excuses

    Posted

    Hi everyone!
     
    Thanks to everyone who gave feedback last week! Looks like based on that feedback that this section not having N physically be here can work but there's still a bit more work that needs to be done. My current approach is to try to convey that W is getting closer to N and developing their relationship indirectly by connecting to others, and I'm curious if that lands.
     
    Thanks!
     
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  20. 4/10/23 - Ace of Hearts - Bond of Wildflowers v2 sub 9, 4779 words

    in Reading Excuses

    Posted

    Warning for minor transphobia.
     
    Thanks for the feedback last week! And... looks like I'm maybe the only person going this week.
     
    The next couple of subs don't have N in them, and the idea is that W needs to grow closer to him by working on herself (and helping her friends) first. However, when I had a friend read through this she said this part of the story left her feeling frustrated at how the main plot stalled, so I'd like people's input on that.
     
    Thanks!
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  22. 04-03-2023- Reading Excuses- Cathy Lim- The Traveler's Magic- sub 8, Chapters 12 and 15- 4,357 words

    in Reading Excuses

    Posted

    On 4/8/2023 at 1:56 AM, Cathy Lim said:

    I have three plot lines running through this book and I'm juggling them as poorly as a juggle in real life-

    One- R in search of her heritage (which is the overarching umbrella plot of the series) specifically for this book the search for the providence of the orphanage book. 

    Two- The attempt of House V. to move the Library to their island and put is squarely under their influence and power. The way they are going about this is by creating chaos in the Library to try and discredit C's leadership and the ancient Library structure itself. (C is an 'other mother' to R being her best friend's mother and having helped raise her, so she can feel kind of motherly towards her.)

    Three- House V is looking for ways to consolidate the magics. In ancient times the Ancestors held all the magics, but over time they have been distilled down to two per person at most. House V wants to change that. They think they figured out a way, but it requires the use of the exact two magics R's mother and her brother have. (That combination is rare because the two houses have been at war with each other for a very long time and they just don't mingle with one another.) R's mother and brother are out of their reach so they want R because they think her mother is lying about her being adopted. They feel she's young enough for them to shape to their cause. This is who is constantly trying to kidnap R.  

    I hope this helps! I know I've taken it all on a weird windy path in my attempt to put this on the page. 

    That does help! I think I have a lot clearer understanding of what the story wants to be.

    Plot two seems the one that is most touched upon here, and for what you described I think what the story needs is for House V to be a tangible threat and for our protags to react to them. On the first point, we need to know how House V is going to move the Library to their island. Who ultimately gets to make the decision about whether or not the Library moves over? C's superiors? If we see House V trying to convince them (or whoever gets to make that choice) that C is a bad leader, we'll know what the threat is. It will also help us feel connected to the library workers, since we'll know that they probably lose their jobs if the transfer happens. On the second point, each event of House V trying to sow chaos in the library only feels plot-relevant so long as it spurs our protagonists into action. In this case, they're trying to nitpick one of the library helpers and point out her birth status. What are R and Z going to do to counteract that? Based on what they're talking about they think that the helper was set up with bad advice, so maybe they'll try to prove that to restore C's reputation, which then prompts House V to take more extreme measures, etc.

    Hope that helps and I'll keep those plots in mind going forward!

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  23. 04-03-2023- Reading Excuses- Cathy Lim- The Traveler's Magic- sub 8, Chapters 12 and 15- 4,357 words

    in Reading Excuses

    Posted

    Excited to get into it!

    Overall: I know I’ve talked a lot about R’s characterization before, and to avoid continuing to drill the same points that I know you’re aware of, I’m going to take another approach. What’s R good at? What are her most important skills? Right now, it’s hard for me to identify what her strengths as a person are, and since R needs more of a push to be proactive I think she still needs to find her niche where she can contribute in a unique way. Right now, it feels like she needs Z to come in and solve all of her problems.

    It might also help to hear directly from you what you see the main plot as being, since it’s hard for me to suggest what to keep vs cut vs rework when I’m not really sure what the story is building towards.

    As I go:

    Pg 1. Wait is C R’s mom?

    Pg 2. I need a bit more here so this doesn’t feel like a repeat of talking to her mom at dinner

    Pg 3. Oooh teleportation magic is cool

    Pg 4. I like that R and her mom are opening up here and I think this is a good opportunity to move the plot forward. R’s mom should be able to do something to help with the situation, right?

    Pg 7. I don’t want to keep hammering home the same points but I think it’s hard for me to say what should be kept vs tossed when I don’t have a good handle on what the main plot is. It’s a bit hard to tell what’s supposed to be important up to this point.

    Pg 8-9. I mostly feel like R should really just come to terms with being guarded because the lengths everyone’s going to deceive her seem over the top. And… did Z and the others have everything under control during the street fight? That’s not how I remember it. As a result I’m not sure I trust/believe F here, which I don’t think is the intention?

    Pg 9. The thing with G is another moment where R feels passive. Not that I’d really expect her to confront a harasser but the story pointedly focusing on Z bailing her out of the situation doesn’t help her characterization.

    Pg 11. …Why is Z making a joke about R getting kind of harassed?

    Pg 12. If it takes this much out of Z maybe R shouldn’t have sprung this on him out of nowhere

    Pg 13-14. I find myself again needing to know more about the political setup of the library. Why is shelving books wrong such a big deal? Also the regent being awful for seemingly no reason isn’t compelling on its own. Does he have an ulterior motive for trying to discredit the library?

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