Ace of Hearts
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Posts posted by Ace of Hearts
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Hi everyone,Thanks for the feedback on the last submission! We have a big chapter today, this one focusing on some of the other soldiers besides P. I want the story to focus on the entire group of soldiers but didn't want to drop all the details about them upfront, so I'm curious how this lands.Thanks!0
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I'll have a slot for tomorrow please!
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Hope everyone's doing well!Thanks for the feedback last week. I knew that there were probably going to be points of confusion, and I'll focus on getting those cleaned up for the next draft. This is the chapter where I'm hoping the character story between A and P gets kicked off a bit more, but we'll see how it lands.Thanks as always!
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Hi @Silk hope I'm not bothering you, but I'd like to confirm that I'm good to go for this week. Thanks!
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I'll take a slot for tomorrow please!
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Excited to dig into it!
Overall: I think the biggest strength here is the atmosphere and how it conveyed J’s isolation, which I was able to get a clear view of at the start. Other than that, there are a lot of good pieces here that I think could be put together more tightly.
It seems like the main thematic topic here is wilds vs civilization, which I think could be more present in the earlier parts of the story. I also will say that wild savagery as a topic is a difficult one to navigate. The story brushes up against ideas of how savagery is shaped by human expansion and colonialism, but that’s really a whole can of worms that I think the story has to delve into in more depth. Also, on the other side there are plenty of wild animals that have structured societies.
Beyond that, I think short stories have to lean towards having themes that are robust but not super explicit, if that makes sense. Like the hog telling J about civilization turns the point into a simple description rather than an idea that permeates through the story. I think J’s human doppelganger is a good example of how something clearly intentional but open-ended can work well, and it just has to be tied to the rest of the story.
As I go:
Pg 1. While the first paragraph is well-written, short stories have very little time to hook the reader with something distinct and I’m not quite seeing that here.
Pg 2. It’s good that we’re getting to the hook of someone with J’s same name, which I’d suggest moving up. I think we need a bit of stakes upfront here for it to really land.
Pg 3. In general internality needs to do some real heavy lifting in a story to be justified since a character standing around thinking isn’t super compelling on its own. There’s a lot of it in these first few pages, and I think it could be a good idea to go through each thought and ask whether or not the story really needs it.
Pg 4. The injury feels like a different hook than the name thing. I’m guessing they’ll get tied together eventually but I’m not sure a short story has the luxury of having them appear disconnected even if it’s only at the start.
Pg 6. I like how the atmosphere of isolation is ramping up, though again I need more to see how it ties in with everything else.
Pg 7. Random thought: if you started the story here with the hog talking and made it clear that the hog had been chasing him for a while, how much would the story actually change? The larger point is that I’m not sure how much all the events leading up to this are necessary.
-Another random thought: the title talking about genomes makes me wonder if J is a werehog or something and doesn’t know it.
Pg 9. London was mentioned before, so is this on Earth? I’m confused what the deal with aliens dropping from the skies is then.
-The environmental aspect feels like another thread that doesn’t have full setup to hit home
Pg 12-13. I can see thematic threads of the new human J connecting back to the guy with J’s name mentioned at the start, and while I don’t think that connection needs to be more explicit necessary I would like to see more if it throughout.
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quick question @Demiurgess, are you still looking for more feedback? I want to make sure I'm giving comments on other people's stories given how much I've been submitting solo--especially here since you've been giving me great feedback--but I also wanted to make sure that it would actually be helpful.
Thanks!
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Hi everyone!
I took a break for a few weeks due to vacation followed by a work conference, but I'm back and ready to sub more of Everlasting Sunset. I know it's been a bit since the first couple of subs and they're pretty high learning curve to begin with, but hopefully this one isn't *too* confusing.Though I do have my own worries about this chapter, mostly with feeling that it lacks plot motion. Mostly, I'm curious if there's anything here that is good to know/establish now and what should be sprinkled in later.Thanks!1
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On 8/5/2023 at 0:28 AM, Silk said:
Any takers for next week?
FYI, I'm heading briefly out of town so may be a little slower to check and confirm than normal this week. Govern thyselves accordingly
Sorry for the late reply, but I'll take a slot for this upcoming week please!
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Very late but excited to get into the chapter!
Overall: I’m engaged with the main plot thread of spiking the punch, which is a good sign since I know I’ve been pretty hard on this story when its direction isn’t clear to me. It also does a good job of bringing R and Z together. That being said, there’s a lot here that doesn’t add to the spiking the punch quest (if it’s important info I think it can wait until we know how it fits into the larger plot). Additionally, while I know this is Z’s plan it doesn’t feel like R is really doing much here. Maybe if the chapter goes further into what happens after the punch is spiked we can see her misdirection at work.
As I go:
Pg 1-2. One of the things I keep running into with this story is that it reads as closer to chill slice of life but there are enough moving parts that it doesn’t feel like a light read. I think a lot of what the side characters are doing can be streamlined and simplified a bit, even if it requires a bit more exposition.
Pg 3. To me this feels like the real start of the chapter, and I’m feeling the stakes more than in previous chapters which is good.
Pg 7-8. R’s reaction to I is keeping my interest, but the dialogue here feels a bit expository. How does this connect to the main plot?
Pg 9. I’m conflicted about this bit because I do find these character threads engaging (surprise surprise that the romance writer likes people talking about their romantic feelings) but they feel like an unnecessary distraction from the main plot thread here.
Pg 10. I was wondering if it was a laxative they were going to add lol (maybe this was mentioned before and I missed it).
Pg 11. Even though their mission is accomplished I don’t actually think this is a good stopping point for the chapter since the real conflict (whether or not they’ll get caught) hasn’t been advanced. I’m assuming this ends up going poorly for them and I think we need to see some of how the situation resolves for this to feel more complete.
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Hi everyone!Thanks for the feedback on the prologue and chapter 1! I'm glad to hear that the consensus is that the prologue is fine with some tweaks because the characters are more important for the larger plot of the story than it initially appears.Today we have chapter 2, which introduces some new characters and (mostly) finishes setting up the plot hooks for part 1 of the story. I'm curious to see how it reads.Thanks!
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I'll take a slot too please @Silk!
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Excited to dig in!
Overall: The strongest part of the chapter is that I think it does a good job selling the connection that R and Z have as people who have a conflict with the ancestor system. Them teaming up at the end feels good because the chapter establishes that they don’t really have anyone else to go to. Turning to constructive criticism, I think we need more from the weird guy besides the fact that he thinks R is potentially important for that to feel like a real plot hook. Additionally, I’m guessing Z is supposed to come off as abrasive but the fact that he shot fire at a guy for following them seems like a huge red flag, and I think I need more clarity on how I’m supposed to read him as a whole (or maybe I just missed context that makes Z seem more reasonable).
As I go:
Pg 1. The guy last chapter just yelled at them to stop, right? Why is Z shooting a fireball at him?
-I don’t mind the guy being a bit cryptic but if he’s trying to get info out of R he should maybe try being a bit clearer
Pg 2. One consequence of the plot not being super clear to me is that J and Re don’t feel like they have a defined role. Take this knowing I have a bad memory for names but it’s even been hard to keep track of who’s related to whom.
Pg 4. I feel like shooting a fireball at some random civilian has to be a crime, yeah?
Pg 5. Okay yeah it is a crime. Good follow-up. Though Z comes off looking real bad here since the guy wasn’t doing anything outright threatening iirc.
Pg 7. This is a good follow-up to the original character hook we got for R—I’m more interested in this thread then most of the events of last chapter and the start of this one
-Coming out party?
Pg 8. It feels like the story wants L’s comment to be this impactful moment, but the buildup isn’t really there to feel like everything’s coming to a head.
Pg 9-10. Wouldn’t it be easier for R to notice that Z’s into guys than the fact that he isn’t into girls? Especially given how Z reacted to that blond guy last chapter.
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Hi everyone,Thanks again to everyone who critiqued Bond of Wildflowers! What I have here is my most recent Nanowrimo novel, which I wanted to be quite different from Bond of Wildflowers. Everlasting Sunset is adult fantasy with a high learning curve, and that combined with the fact that this is draft 1 means I'm anticipating that this will be a bit rougher around the edges than Bond of Wildflowers. I don't know if I'm going to submit the whole 140k word monstrosity of a novel right now, but getting an eye test of the early parts will help me get more of a direction in revisions regardless.For this sub, we have the prologue and the first chapter. I know prologues are difficult to make work and I figure there's a good chance the assessment will be to rearrange the story so that a prologue isn't necessary, but I figured I might as well see what people think first. In chapter 1, one of my main goals was to have a clear plot/character hook since that seemed to be missing from the previous fantasy story I submitted a bit of here.Thanks!0
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I'll take a slot too!
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16 hours ago, Mandamon said:
Great job on this! I think it's really close to publishable. What are your plans with it after the next rewrite? Are you going to submit to agents?
Thanks! Submitting to agents is the general plan, but (perhaps unsurprisingly) I'm not super familiar with the publishing system so I'll have to figure out how to best go about that.
Thanks a ton for your comments all the way through!
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All right excited to get into it!
Overall: A pleasant and relaxed read overall, though I think there are points where it veers too far from “chill” to “random.” At the start there are a lot of character introductions and I don’t know why they’re important here, and by the end it feels a bit choppy with one event after another. I think the biggest thing I’m missing is a character hook for Z. There’s the focus on his fire magic, which feels more like an attribute than something his personal story revolves around (which is fine but we need something to fill that gap). And then there’s the implied story of how he's interested in guys but isn’t out to his family—this is the most interesting thread to me since there’s real conflict—but the story doesn’t focus on it as a key character conflict and there’s no inciting incident here to escalate that conflict.
As I go:
Pg 1. I’m assuming the voice in his head is a memory and not telepathy but since we’re starting off with magic it could be worth clarifying.
-I’m torn because this is a pleasant opening to Z’s character but I don’t feel the same connection I did with R. She had interesting dynamics with her family heritage, and Z doesn’t seem to have a character hook at the start by comparison.
Pg 2. I’m reading Z as kind of an annoying nag with how he treats Re and I’m not sure if I’m supposed to see him that way (especially given that he doesn’t seem like that in book 2)
Pg 3-4. This is a lot of character introductions and I think especially if the story wants to feel more light slice of life (which is the vibe I’m getting) it could be worth skimming over everyone else so we can focus on Z and R’s first meeting.
Pg 5. I get why the characters are trying to drop the topic of R’s mom but since this is the first bit of the overall plot we really get this chapter I don’t think it works to switch back to meandering conversation.
Pg 6. J and R’s dynamic feels too playful to be antagonistic and but not genuine enough to be close, so I’m not sure how to read this.
Pg 7. Maybe this is just a me thing but I typically see “blond” for guys and “blonde” for girls so I was confused about the guy’s gender at first. Another example of in-world it makes sense that Z randomly sees someone he has a crush on but I need more on what it does for the story. Also not sure to make of R’s behavior here.
Pg 9-10. Am I reading this right as Z not being interested in girls at all? Could be helpful to know how acceptable it is for him to be interested in guys in this society since it doesn’t look like he’s out.
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Happy Juneteenth to my fellow Americans!This is the final submission of Bond of Wildflowers, and I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who helped critique, if it was the whole way through or a couple of chapters. All of it helped a ton and I'm excited to get down to revising.Thanks, everyone!0
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I'll have slot for tomorrow, please!
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Glad to read your work again! It was kinda awkward being the only one submitting for multiple weeks in a row haha.
Overall: This chapter does a good job overall of establishing setting and character dynamics. I care about R being left out because she doesn’t know if she has magic or what magic she can use, and I like that the library is this centralizing institution. Though on the library, I do think we could get some background into why it’s so important. The way it’s talked about here feels closer to a university than a library in the sense that I’m used to thinking about.
I think my other comment is that I don’t get a strong narrative hook here, since we know R wants to figure out her ancestry and discover her magic but the end of the chapter doesn’t directly relate to that as of now. But the book also seems to have a slice of life atmosphere so maybe that’s fine.
As I go:
Pg 1. First paragraph tells me that R is angry, but not a ton else. What’s special about this scene that is important enough to start the book with?
Pg 2. The note does a good job setting up a lot of character/setting dynamics. I think what I need to know is why this is such a momentous rejection to R.
Pg 3. The exposition about R’s adoption making her magic unknown is good, and honestly makes a lot of what I’ve read from book 2 make a lot more sense.
Pg 5-6. Do they get into this whole thing about the ancestors every dinner? Feels like they should have worked something out.
Pg 7. I’d recommend describing the painting first before going into its background
Pg 8. It’s hard to win me over with a dream sequence since nothing’s “real” so there’s less of an impact. If the book is important that can stay, but I don’t think there needs to be a pagelong scene.
Pg 10. R’s reaction is good here since it tells me that her mom’s actions aren’t supposed to make sense right now, and I think it could be sprinkled into the conversation as it’s happening.
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Additional content warning for abusive relationships.Hi everyone! Penultimate submission here that wraps up the climax of the story. Thanks as always for giving your thoughts!0
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@Silk I'll take a slot for tomorrow too, please!
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Additional content warning for abusive relationships.This is going to be the third to last sub. Since we're getting to the end there's a big turning point here, and I'm curious to see how it comes across.Thanks!
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On 5/30/2023 at 10:28 AM, Mandamon said:
Also, it occurs to me that we haven't really seen the inhabitants of the village. We've seen the people in control. Wouldn't there be a big audience for the ritual? What are the rest of the villagers doing while multiple gunshots go off?
Yeah this is something I was wondering about, and I haven't found a good way to bring this up without muddling the narrative further. If you have ideas on this front I'm all ears! The ritual is supposed to be more of a private thing (I can make that clearer).
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8/14/23 - Ace of Hearts - Everlasting Subset sub 4, 4103 words (V)
in Reading Excuses
Posted · Edited by Ace of Hearts
This isn't something that's super well explained anywhere in the current draft, so I'll give an overview to catch people up to speed. What the characters would say is:
-Soldiers have vague memories of just appearing at biological age 12 with basic language/motor functions and are immediately escorted to the base that they'll be assigned to for their life. When they die, they get reincarnated back into the 12-year-old body (usually years later).
-Ministers who receive a blessing from the queen become pregnant and eventually give birth to a baby who will grow up to be a minister. The spirit of the child born can be a former soldier who escaped the reincarnation cycle by rejecting their (supposedly) natural violent tendencies.
@Demiurgess I can't remember if you also made comments along these lines but here's the explanation.