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Ace of Hearts

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  4. 12/4*/23 - Silk - The Big Bounce - 4615 Words (VL)

    in Reading Excuses

    Posted

    I don’t know if I’ve ever critiqued something of yours before so I’m excited to provide feedback after all the help you’ve given me with my writing! :)

    Overall: I like the shell of the story here, being more human-focused than a lot of sci-fi I’ve read and making it easier for me to be invested as a result. There are two overlapping areas where I think some work could be done to flesh the story out.

    1. I think the beginning could do a better job setting up the story. As I mentioned in LBLs I really only understood the threat during page 8 and it only started to feel real by page 13. Tbh I don’t think the details of the systems work they do really has a huge bearing on the story, so I think the focus could be shifted away from that towards setup for the climax. Which includes…

    2. The relationships. There’s a good foundation here and I think M’s relationship with both S and C could be fleshed out. C in particular could benefit from being present in M’s mind throughout the story, and while I get a good feel for her off the wall scientist ideas I don’t get a good sense of her actual past relationship with M. I got the general impression that C’s mad scientist ideas were both what drew M to her and what ultimately pushed them apart—which is great! That’s what makes fictional relationships so compelling. But I need to see more of that for it to fully click. For S I think the changes could be simpler—what I want is what about him draws M to him specifically out of all the people they know (ideally in a way that ties together M's relationship with C—what makes S different while still having what initially drew them to C?). The story does a good job of selling that M and S get along, but I need to know what they see in each other that’s special and distinct from the other people in their lives.

    Heh, guess being the resident romance writer means everyone this week gets a big block of text about building up the romantic relationships.

    As I go:

    Pg 1. The opening line has me hooked but I’m having a hard time understanding where we are and what’s going on (though I often have this issue with sci-fi)

    Pg 3. M’s interest in S has good potential to add some emotional stakes here. I’d like to see this even earlier with more context as to what draws M to S.

    -I think my biggest comment so far is still not understanding the stakes of the main task they’re doing. I get that they’re checking for weird energy signatures that have in the past caused bad things with wormholes, and that’s a good start, but I still can’t really put together what this means for the characters.  

    Pg 6. The part where S talks about it being a lot of power could be a good place to add more context. Maybe I just missed something but I don’t know if this is power being leaked away as pure sabotage, siphoned for something else, etc.

    Pg 8. Knowing that the power spike will kill the station eventually could be helpful earlier. We got some hints of this like the lights turning off but I think this being stated early on could help me orient myself

    Pg 9. It’s acknowledged that M’s not great at this but imo they don’t put forward enough of a reason for this to feel earned. I think they either need to put forward something more convincing or we need to get a better feel for why the staffer is going along with this (i.e. M identifying them as someone who really just wants M out of their hair).

    Pg 11-12. The flashback coming through in full scene with dialogue and no breaks feels a bit jarring for me. Personally I don’t know if we need to see this in full scene and would be happy with a narration summary.

    Pg 13. Here’s the first time I get a good feel for the personal stakes. I’d like to get to this point faster.

    Pg 14. I got the feeling that C was going to be responsible given how much M’s been thinking about her over the past few pages. If she’s this important I think she needs to have a stronger presence in M’s mind from the start.

    Pg 15-17. The interactions between C and M are good but I feel like I’m still missing some emotional stakes. Who are they to each other? Coworkers? Friends? Exes? Reminders of the past? I’m not really sure.

    Pg 18. Okay exes it would be helpful to know that earlier.

    1

  5. 20231203 - Mandamon - Dotch Masher and the planet 'MM' - 4776 words, (S,V)

    in Reading Excuses

    Posted

    It’s nice to be able to critique something of yours again! :)

    Overall: I think I’m very much not the target audience for this kind of thing, which probably comes through in my LBLs. I enjoyed the later parts (from page 8 onward) while wanting the story to lean into being more over the top silly earlier on. Specifically, I think the dynamics with D and T and especially D and M have the potential to be played up more—getting a clearer sense of the enemies to lovers with D and M could give me the investment I was missing earlier in the story. Their interest in each other was obvious in retrospect but I didn’t get it as the story was progressing since everything was over the top, and I think being very stark about their interest in each other could add to the silly tone with T being a good straightman to balance them out.

    Thanks for sharing! It’s nice to not be the only one submitting haha.

    As I go:

    Pg 1. I think for the lighthearted dialogue to land for me here I need more of a traditional character hook. Right now I can identify the dialogue as well-written but I don’t have a reason to be invested/entertained by the interactions.

    Pg 2. Okay ASSMUNCH got a snort laugh out of me

    -As someone who isn’t super versed in pop culture and doesn’t know what this is a homage to, I wonder if these moments could be even more over the top and absurdist. Right now if I stumbled in blind I think I’d just take everything at face value and lose interest

    Pg 4. The interactions between D and T are more entertaining now that I get a better idea that T is the one actually making everything happen.

    -I still wonder if there’s more room for more detailed descriptions to make some of the humor elements—like the missile buttons—stand out more

    Pg 6. At this point the spaceship maneuvering is starting to feel a bit samey with what happened the last few pages

    Pg 8. This is a good change of pace. I’d say this is the first place I’m pretty thoroughly entertained  

    Pg 9. The displacement/refugee thing feels a bit serious for the tone (though again I’m reading this as someone without the cultural context for this kind of narrative). I’d expect something more like the T is using it for some over the top silly cartoon villain kind of thing

    -I mentioned wanting some things played up earlier and I think the romantic/sexual tension between D and M could be one of those since I didn’t get a great feel for it before now

    1

  6. 12/4/23 - Ace of Hearts - Everlasting Sunset sub 12, 5019 words (VGL)

    in Reading Excuses

    Posted

    G for discussions involving explicit gore, but none appears on screen. Additional content warning for war-related trauma.
     
    Hi everyone! 
     
    I'm back after Nanowrimo with another sub for Everlasting Sunset. Mainly I'm interested in whether the interlude feels justified (I already cut an interlude with Mag but I liked this one better so it's included in the sub), and how to organize the threads at the start of part 2 in a way that feels cohesive (I'm worried that it feels a bit choppy atm).
     
    Thanks as always! :)
    0

  9. 10/24/23 - Ace of Hearts - Everlasting Sunset sub 11, 3319 words (VLG)

    in Reading Excuses

    Posted

    Hi everyone!
     
    We're wrapping up part 1 of 3 here, which means we're about a third of the way through. The most important question at this point for people who have read all the way through is are you okay continuing to critique this draft? I believe I mentioned that I wasn't sure whether I was going to submit the whole draft, but I don't think the edits I'm going to make to part 1 are enough of an overhaul that it would make sense to resubmit the whole thing, so as long as people are up for it I think I'm going to continue into part 2.  
     
    Thanks! 
    0

  14. 10/3/23 - Ace of Hearts - Everlasting Sunset Sub 9, 4801 words (L)

    in Reading Excuses

    Posted

    Thanks @Mandamon and @Demiurgess! I know I'm not consistent about replying in these threads but I've really appreciated both of your comments all throughout the story!

    It's good to have a list of questions that need more explanation early on (and honestly it's heartening to know that the worldbuilding isn't fundamentally that complicated to the point that a bit of explanation will clear things up). My goal for revision will be to set up the minister/soldier system in a way that feels like it makes sense internally while having the sex/gender discussion still be a gradual build up for A.

    0

  16. Email List and Submission Dates

    in Reading Excuses

    Posted

    9 hours ago, Silk said:

    Sorry for the late response! Please go ahead.

    I blame my big band. We had a gig on Saturday and those leave me mostly dead for at least a couple days after :P

    Oh, hope that was fun at least! I planned to check again this evening after work and only remembered to check now when it's late where I am, so I'll send it out tomorrow.

    0

  22. 9/11/23 - Ace of Hearts - Everlasting Sunset Sub 6, 5182 words (LV)

    in Reading Excuses

    Posted

    Hi everyone,
     
    I'm back with another submission of Everlasting Sunset. There's more scenes of the kids infodumping about their interests that it sounds like I should shorten based on last sub's feedback, so feel free to skim those if you get to that point with these ones too.
     
    Also, after this chapter we're about halfway through part 1. Thanks to everyone who stuck through an early draft of a high learning curve story with all of its bumps and confusing aspects.
     
    Have a good week! :)
    1

  24. 8/14/23 - Ace of Hearts - Everlasting Subset sub 4, 4103 words (V)

    in Reading Excuses

    Posted · Edited by Ace of Hearts

    On 8/18/2023 at 8:53 PM, Mandamon said:

    what happens when a soldier dies

    This isn't something that's super well explained anywhere in the current draft, so I'll give an overview to catch people up to speed. What the characters would say is:

    -Soldiers have vague memories of just appearing at biological age 12 with basic language/motor functions and are immediately escorted to the base that they'll be assigned to for their life. When they die, they get reincarnated back into the 12-year-old body (usually years later).

    -Ministers who receive a blessing from the queen become pregnant and eventually give birth to a baby who will grow up to be a minister. The spirit of the child born can be a former soldier who escaped the reincarnation cycle by rejecting their (supposedly) natural violent tendencies.

    @Demiurgess I can't remember if you also made comments along these lines but here's the explanation.

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