Ace of Hearts
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Posts posted by Ace of Hearts
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21 hours ago, kais said:On 1/27/2021 at 9:51 PM, Ace of Hearts said:
By this point I like N, but don't care much about Y or K. Hoping to see N be more of the sole focus from here on out
She was the primary protagonist of the first three books so this intro is meant to help ease the old readers into a book where she isn't the lead. We will see how that goes...
Oh, okay! My comment meant for the rest of the chapter, not for the rest of the book. In this chapter she's really the only character I care about.
21 hours ago, kais said:On 1/27/2021 at 9:51 PM, Ace of Hearts said:wow I hate Y. How does N feel about him in general?
LOL there's four whole books on this! It's hard to write a little intro short like this when there is so much history that I have to compress into about 5K words
Cool cool that totally makes sense. I think what would be helpful to me then is to know if Y being a total jerk here is par for the course so far as their interpersonal relationship is concerned or if it's an unexpected thing.
21 hours ago, kais said:There's a whole little short on it, which we get in a few chapters, but the flying into a tree part isn't in it, so this is a fun teaser. 'A' isn't supposed to make sense to new readers, its an Easter egg for the older ones.
I don't need it 'A' to make sense to me, but I think I do need to feel like it means something to N, and have that come from her rather than G4 assuming it means something to her. Even something like "it had been so long since she heard that name," tells us that it's meaningful to her and a deep part of her history in some regard.
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As I go (gonna try to forget previous drafts and start from ground zero):
pg 1
-The short blurbs after the first paragraph are more of a hook than the first paragraph itself to me
-I hate being the "don't swear" person but the f bomb isn't doing much as an adjective for me. Feels like the story is trying to force the point to be important before we really know a lot about N
pg 3
-much better swear imo. Sweet, sweet verbs.
pg 4
-By this point I like N, but don't care much about Y or K. Hoping to see N be more of the sole focus from here on out
pg 5
-How does N feel about this deal? Seems momentous if it goes through. Is she just totally convinced that K won't make it happen?
-All right, this is the first time I get a feeling for N's motivation and I'd like to see this earlier. Her finding it hard to be in exile in the first scene doesn't convey the weight of what we're getting here. As an offshoot of this, how does she see the trees? Are they memories of home or just ways to make a quick buck?
pg 6
-Is N annoyed by Y's comments? It seems like no, but I can't quite tell. I'd be kinda irked in her situation
pg 8
-Idk how much this has actually changed but A's chatting is more interesting to me this time. I feel like I get a better view of the larger universe.
pg 9-10
-okay I understand this gadget thing much better than before too
-Really really like how this is looped back into her desire to return home. I want to see everything in this chapter revolve around that. What needs it right now is the first few pages I think. Maybe the trees could be tied to home? Or they remind her of memories from home each time she looks at them? Plenty of options here.
pg 13
-wow I hate Y. How does N feel about him in general?
-This whole scene was good for showing the dark side of home for her
pg 14-15
-Solid. Not much else to say
pg 16
-I think we have the opportunity to get into N's head a bit more here. Her exclamations are telling us that she's frustrated and anxious, but not much more. What does stalling out so close to home mean for her? Whenever I see lots of exclamation marks, I prefer to see more specific language that carries the same emotion instead.
pg 19
-This is the first description we get of what home really means to her. It hits hard and I want more of this, and earlier.
pg 22
-I think we need a bit more background here. A few concrete actions that G4 took to interfere with N in the past, maybe? Something that we'll be able to picture rather than vague interference. And her mentioning A has no significance to me. What's the significance to N?
pg 23
-Great ending. Wraps up the main compelling idea this chapter runs with.
Overall:
Agreed with everyone else that this is really good (as much as I liked the last one too). Only larger comment here is that the main dynamics of the chapter (mostly N's motivation to return home) could be clearer earlier on, since something like wanting to return home is pretty universally understood. More details about the stuff that matters to her about home could be good too, and is an opportunity to slip in worldbuilding info if the planet's going to continue to be relevant.
Oh, I commented last time that I didn't really like the subplot about the seeds, and I think the better description of the doohickey she gets makes it hold my interest more. Would still like to see how the trees connect to her ideas of home though to bring everything together.
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Too lazy to read what other people have written rn so for now I'll go in blind.
As I go:
pg 1
-Is the first half of the page new or am I just misremembering? Rn it feels like it takes a while for us to get into scene and the first couple of paragraphs don't give me much to latch onto frankly
-The most interesting part of the omen here is that Is doesn't believe it. That part tells us about her character, and the bird itself doesn't matter to me much. I'm about ready to be done with this bird by the end of the page (sorry bird)
pg 3
-I think Is trying to distract O is new? I like it. How the chars deal with the omen is more interesting than the omen itself.
pg 4
-I like how Is is concerned about O. Tells us about her character and is a show rather than tell situation
-Is keeps calling O "the girl." Is O younger than Is? The way she's authoritative made me expect her to be older
pg 5
-Okay we get our answer about O's age. I feel like there has to be an interesting explanation for why a servant younger than the princess gets to boss her around (even if the story doesn't know what it is yet) and I want to hear it.
-The phrase "normal young woman" sticks out to me here. I'd like to know more about what Is thinks normal young women do/are like. Might be reading too far into this but it seems to imply that Is has internalized that she is/was abnormal for a girl and I'd like to hear why. I think I'm latching onto this because it's the first real hint of character conflict we get.
-I feel like I'm supposed to care about C as a place but I'm not there yet
pg 6
-I think I'm not as engaged here as the story wants me to be. Lot of exposition here without a lot to latch onto that helps me really picture the situation.
pg 7
-Still exposition but more interesting to me than the previous page because it has direct consequences for our characters. Maybe that's what was missing before
pg 9
-Gonna be honest not super excited to watch them ignore what the last few pages were talking about and work on a mundane task instead
pg 10
-okay I'm more interested now. This mage stuff catches my eyes more than the foreign conquerors
pg 11-12
-I'm starting to put together more stuff about the duke, magic, and the fragile political situation. I like what I'm getting, but I need a bit more.
Overall:
For me the biggest change (unless I just missed this on the first read lol) is more of a focus on the mage rebellion and how Is thinks that's especially relevant now. This makes the conflict here about the mages more interesting to me and I'd like to know why it's such a tense situation. Scratch that, I'd like to see why it's a tense situation with my own eyes (or Is' own eyes, in this case). We know she's anticipating another mage rebellion that could bring everything down, and all that's left is to hammer that in.
The conflict about C is still at square 1 imo. We know the potential havoc the mage rebellion can cause from the missing banner, but we get no such indication for what C is capable of. It's important for O, sure, but O's not going to open up to Is so our protagonist here really has no personal connection to one of the main conflicts presented. Plus I'm not sure how much of a threat they actually are. Mages are inherently powerful because magic, but idk how powerful these conquerers are.
I feel like what I'm missing the most here is character motivation and conflict for Is. We get bits here and there but it really is sparse. Last draft she said her motivation was to get married to serve the family and we don't even get that much here. What does she want, what skills/power is she going to use to get it, and how does that relate to the larger conflict presented? If the story can't answer those questions, then maybe large pieces of the story need to change. Because right now Is feels more like someone who is pushed around by others than a protagonist with a story to tell.
The interactions with O are definitely improved but tbh I'm not sure how they connect to Is' story or the larger conflict. They help flesh out Is' personality but not her role in the story, really. Unless O is going to be a super important character my instinct is to say cut these altogether and use that space to connect Is to the main plot more in a way that still fleshes out her personality. Same comments about the bird. Love what it shows about her, but it doesn't really seem relevant to the larger story. There are definitely authors who make less plot relevant character moments work though, so I can't say that's the only good way to deal with this.
Best of luck moving forward!
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11 hours ago, Snakenaps said:
Honestly? Like looking down from a cliff going, "Wow, look how far I've come!" Before turning around, looking waaaaaay up the mountain I still have to climb, and going, "Shoot."
Oh well. Just keep climbing, step by step.
Thanks @Ace of Hearts ! I really need to get these last four chapters fixed because right now this book ends as anything but satisfying. I appreciate your insight
Ah that's a great description! I'll keep that in mind for when I work up the courage to start submitting stuff. And glad I could help!
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Wow it's really the end. It's been great to read this story from beg-okay, not from the beginning, but from near the end to the end.
As I go:
pg 1
-The struggle of long work hours is real. I'm super lazy at work and it even gets to me lol
-it feels like the story's trying to take Ir through a whole new arc in these last couple of chapters here. It comes across as rushed to me but I'm also not sure it should be expanded
pg 2
-I like J's "bet" here. Really shows how confident he is
pg 3
-obligatory comment about how I don't actually think it's a great offer
-yeah the story's still trying to milk how Ir is caught between home/family and friends/duty. This general conflict should have already been resolved by now imo
pg 4
-Expanding on what I mentioned earlier, I think the order here is a bit off. I think it's more powerful if her resolving her personal conflict leads to her ending the larger conflict rather than the resolution of the larger conflict leading into her personal conflict. Right now I just want stuff to unwind.
-It's realistic for S and T's fate to spark something in Ir, but that something can't be resolved in 2 chapters in a satisfying way. If you want her to be uncertain because of what happened, I think the story has to open up and end on that uncertain note
pg 5
-Does she care about the glamor of the big city much? This page is making me think sorta, but my read of Ir in general says no.
-is there supposed to be a scene change at the bottom of the page here? Or is her family just suddenly here?
pg 6
-What's the reason for her assertion here? If her choices aren't backed up by narrative cause and effect she'll come across as wishy-washy, even if it's normal for regular people to change their minds on a whim. Plus I get the feeling this isn't going to be her final decision.
pg 8
-yeah she definitely comes across as indecisive to me because of how quickly she changes her mind. I do think the plot here should be restructured so I'm guessing the scene won't stay like this anyway but it's something to look out for. Big decision changes should result from big plot points (with a few exceptions, of course).
pg 9
-how old is L again? This comes across as like 8yo max to me.
-I like N's reaction. Honestly he's the most interesting character in this entire chapter so far because his change in view is clearly signaled by a major plot event (S's fate), unlike Ir herself.
pg 10
-This chapter ends without a real bang, imo. The important part is Ir deciding to take the job, but it feels a little too easy for her family to tell her to do so and for her to just do it
pg 11
-Didn't she just decide to leave? To be blunt I really want her to just make up her mind at this point
pg 12-13
-So C is basically forcing Ir to take the offer (or at least putting up a front of doing so). This deflates the tension of the choice, though I'm still not sure why that tension was so focal anyway.
pg 13-14
-okay sooooo the monarchy was going to pull evil shenanigans. Idk if that's even the smart play since I'm certain Ir would know what's up and would not want to work with BK again. Plus the fact that there was only one "right" choice for Ir to take sorta cheapens the decision for me. Starting to agree with the revolutionaries more and more...
pg 15-16
-This last little scene doesn't do a ton for me, unfortunately. I think you've said that there are going to be sequels so if there's nothing left to resolve you could maybe set something up here?
Overall:
5 hours ago, kais said:I went into this assuming it would mostly need to be cut, and that is now confirmed.
Yep yep this is what I got as well. The reason for this imo is what I said in the line edits: that this personal conflict of hers should have been resolved before the conclusion of the climax. The story is trying to do an entire character arc in two chapters here and it feels rushed, with Ir changing her mind 3 or 4 times across less than 5k words. There's no plot motion left to justify character development here so it ends up feeling like she's deciding on whims. Or that the decision is out of her control.
5 hours ago, kais said:1) tries to make TBK EEEEEEEVIL at the end, when he was definitely not during the book
2) takes away what little agency Ir had developed and once again lets the plot push her around
Agreed agreed. 1 especially hit me like a slap to the face. I know it's B and not the BK handling this, but it still feels inconsistent to me. For 2 I'd argue that there's really no main plot left, which means that she has to be pushed around since the stuff she can do is basically exhausted at this point. This is solved by wrapping up her personal conflict earlier and not trying to speedrun this arc when the story's already out of plot steam. I said this before but a standard way this is handled is if her solving the family/home vs friends/duty conflict informs her actions in the main plot. If you want to keep these scenes in they'd be better before the revolution honestly, though that's also risky because the conflict being decided by S locking Ir in the house could come across as cheap if we think it's supposed to be about accepting a job offer or not.
Bottom line is that the ideas in these chapters should have been wrapped up before when it could 1. be influenced by a plot with steam left in it and 2. go on to influence the larger plot and make it even more powerful.
What a momentous day though, finishing submitting an entire novel! How does it feel?
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As I go:
pg 1
-I can tell this person is politically important, but I think I need to be told (or reminded) who exactly she is.
pg 2
-Okay she's a princess got it
-I do like the opening with the bird, especially how she is pointedly not seeing it as an omen
pg 3
-I like the dynamic of O scolding someone presumably far above her station but I think we need a bit more on why she's allowed to do that. Seems especially odd if O is young and replaceable
-I like the detail of her only remembering to curtsy when flustered
-fabric cloud is good image
pg 4
-I saw some other people commenting on this while scrolling down but the ages are confusing to me here
-honestly I'm always wary of the whole "I gotta be sporty to drive away men" thing because it can fall into heavy-handed tropes pretty easily. It's not too bad here on it's own but now I'm keeping an eye on it.
pg 5
-so she wants to drive away suitors in order to wait for a political marriage? I'm not sure I follow. Seems like she could benefit from doing some networking on her own and leveraging any interest directed towards her if this is her goal.
pg 6
-Is it necessary for us to learn about the rebellion now? Seems like we're shifting focus pretty quickly here
pg 8
-I'm also not sure what the whole thing with R is doing to push the story forward
-If the news doesn't have anything to do with them then do we need to get it in scene? Also, what exactly are they focusing on right now? The most we've gotten from I is that she wants to be useful through a political marriage but she seems uninvolved.
pg 10
-So she's getting involved in magical law? Is this where her expertise is? If so, I'd like to see that mentioned earlier. Because if she's not the scholar type then I'm not sure why she's being given this task
pg 11
-What's I's and the queen's connection to magic despite being open-minded about it? I feel like that has to come from somewhere.
pg 12
-How far into the future are we from the prologue? That changes how I read this.
Overall
There's a lot of good stuff in here and I'm excited to read more of it. Lots of details are great, and I've made a note of some of them above. Overall I am invested in Is and I do like her voice.
As for your questions:
1. It's a lot, yeah, but my issue is less with the quantity of information but how it's framed. Right now I don't know why any of this really matters to the characters.
2. Scope/tone? Hmm... Seems like lots of larger-scale politics, but not too dark/cutthroat like political fantasy can sometimes get. Which I'm all for, honestly. People don't need to be jerks to each other for politics to be interesting.
3. Time since the prologue is something I mentioned in LBLs. On a larger note, I think we need more on Is as our protag, which I know other people have commented on.
4. Don't want to beat a dead horse too much, but the main thing I noted was that I don't really know a lot about who Is is and what her goals are. I think I'd be able to infer a lot more if I knew what her main skills are and what she wants to accomplish. If she really wants to get involved with family politics via marriage, it doesn't seem like she's really pursuing that at all and doesn't seem interested in or skilled at the political skills required to navigate those situations.
19 minutes ago, kais said:So when you throw in modern age norms, it doesn't make sense. If you want to have modern sensibilities about underage courtship and marrying ages, you'll need to educate the reader quickly that this is not a trope-based kingdom.
This was something I was wondering about as well. If marriage is primarily political, why do the people in charge of those politics have these modern sensibilities? I mean it's great that they do but I think we need a bit more.
I didn't mind the ball prep scene as much as other people but I've also opened stories that way so maybe that's just a reflection on me. :x
Good luck revising!
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4 minutes ago, shatteredsmooth said:
Being ace, I usually really struggle to write certain kinds of attraction, but I think I finally got something right in this story, which is kind of funny because it wasn't actually what I intended to do.
Oh hey, I'm ace too (in case it wasn't obvious by my name on this site lol). Tbh the more I read stuff with romance and attraction the more I'm convinced that even a lot of allos don't really understand it.
I think you did a good job with it here, for whatever my opinion is worth.
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As I go:
pg 1
-The comparison with J is good
-Right now I need the story to give us some sort of direction. I keep hammering this in and I don't want to be needlessly harsh but it really seems like Ir has no plan for anything she does
pg 2
-The rapid-fire comments from the family are good. Really shows us how overwhelmed and tired Ir must feel
-Ir's explanation is mostly stuff we know. If the way Ir's saying it doesn't matter a ton, the story can just say Ir tells them what happened
pg 3
-why are you making me cry (like no lie I'm literally crying right now and that's a great sign for the story. Doesn't even feel too sentimental which is good)
pg 4
-This is good, but I'm reminded of how passive Ir has been and I think this would hit a lot harder if she had tried to enact a plan to save them and failed
pg 5
-Normally I'd say that these sorts of religious rites don't move the story forward, but here I think it's really important in showing the culture
pg 6
-S's decision mostly caught me off guard here. I'm sure there's a reason but it seems so out of line with what she said last chapter. I think we could use a bit more context right away
-Again, my personal view is that the Pe people here need to have some sort of power to not get run over by the ruling conquerers long-term. I want to see people concerned about B push for this integration giving power back in the hands of the people. Ir's plan across several chapters to basically just submit to whatever BK wants and hope for the best does not seem like a good strategy to me. The caveat to all of this is that this perspective of mine is very much shaped by my own personal politics, so make of that what you will.
pg 8
-I'm confused. Does Ir hate S because she chose the mines? I thought that was what Ir wanted.
-I don't really like J flat-out rejecting how Ir says she feels, unless we're supposed to see him as problematic. I feel like there are more considerate ways to word what he's going for.
pg 9
-J's dialogue at the top is pretty expository. I'm assuming Ir knows most of this anyway, which makes it not come off well for the story even if it makes sense for J to be emphasizing these facts.
-Idk Ir I feel like your guy could be a lot more supportive than he is right now
-repeat at the end doesn't work for me unless the tone shifts in between (which would have to be shown to us through physical descriptors rather than told, most likely)
-good opening for the next chapter
pg 11
-Now that we have some downtime I'm reminded that we still don't know what's up with that crystal BK stole
-I think the rebuilding scene works but I'm also missing context so I have to infer what the opening was probably like
pg 12
-great you're making me hungry now
pg 13
-I like the ending paragraph for the scene. Knowing she can't really go back makes me excited to see which direction she'll go next
pg 14
-Is that actually a joke about BK not letting her go so easily? I thought Ir's name powers were highly sought after
pg 15
-only 20% more money when working for the royal kitchens instead of some restaurant? And considering that she has super important name skills that make her important enough to potentially put her in danger? You're being robbed Ir
-No not tempting! You should demand to be rolling in cash for this I'm sure BK has the money
pg 16
-2 months is a long time to respond, right? I've never worked a real job (don't ask me why I chose to peel apples at a school instead) but that seems long to me
-haggle for more money Ir do it
Overall:
This seems like a really solid beginning to a resolution for the story. I'm saying seems because it really relies on what was set up, which I haven't read. But based on what I can infer was set up, the mellow scenes and the back-to-normal-but-not-quite life for Ir is really effective.
My main comment here is that S choosing the mines is both very important and seemingly very arbitrary. This might be harsh, but I'd put it on the level of a deus ex machina type thing because family is so key to Ir and this family conflict sort of resolves itself because S decides to make the choice to survive. The fact that there's lingering hostility is good but S's choice here is one of the most pivotal events in the story (the parts that I've read, anyway). From a narrative perspective, I think S's decision acts as the climax to the family plot. It's the moment where everything is at stake, fate can swing to either direction based on what happens, and after it ends we begin the resolution. Which is why I think it should be treated as such, not given a little blurb with no explanation.
I'm excited to see the last two chapters!
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Wow, there's a lot of feedback here already. I'm going to just give my isolated reading of this without looking at other comments too much. I was also tired when I read this last time so I can read this as a "new" reader.
pg 1
-We get a lot about what is happening, but not much about T himself. A prologue PoV needs to really hook me in.
pg 2
-"Oathbrand" hooks me in, and I can immediately put together that one disappearing means someone is most likely dead. Really good handling of information here.
-The part where the talks about the damned magic is also good. Helps me see who he is and now I have something to follow. Right now this is our first real impression of the dude, that he hates magic. Should it be?
-Getting more hints about past relationships is also good. Telling us when characters hate another can be dangerous but in this case because I'm so hungry for details about this guy's history it didn't bother me.
pg 3
-okay now I'm a little less sure of my reading of the Oathbrand being tied to someone else's life if T is suspecting the duke might be alive
pg 3-6
-Not sure what these moments are doing for the larger story. Honestly I only care about the duke for his ability to set up aspects of the narrative, so spending time wondering if he can be pulled out of the rubble frankly doesn't pull me in.
pg 7
-Okay this dynamic is interesting. T is a loyalist, and the rest are scared because of magic? That's my reading of it. If I'm getting it right, it's a good dynamic.
-Good way of telling us the sphere is important. I'm tracking it from here on out.
pg 8
-When B mentioned D's name, I thought he was addressing T lol. Is this the first time he's spoken so far?
pg 9
-I have it in my mind that blond=foreigner. Is that right? If so, it's a good shorthand.
-maybe I'm not paying close enough attention, but not totally sure what's happening with the vow. Is the duke's wife (he's married to a woman, right?) dead? Is that why one of T's loyalty brands disappeared? If so, why is T's focus on the vow instead of the loss of the duke's loved one?
pg 11
-D's dam analogy is really good
pg 12
-Don't know what's up with the girl, or who she even really is. Last draft makes me think it's the midwife, though I could be misremembering that.
-This far in the chapter pivoting to talk about the queen is... not overwhelming, necessarily, but it's hard for me to focus on that.
pg 13
-blood price? I'm intrigued
-wow you really made me read the sad scene with the kid again (in all seriousness this is good for setting up emotions that I assume will be explored more in the coming chapters)
Overall:
Imo the improvements really show here. In particular, I liked the fun fantasy terminology that's in here, which I don't think was as much of a focus as last time?
We get more about the characters this time, and I think this is still the area where there's room for improvement. I get a better read on T, and his combination of loyalty to the duke and wariness + lack of understanding of magic is a good combo, since they are somewhat opposed to each other. I think we could get a bit more of both. Why is he so loyal to the duke, and where do his views and (lack of) magical knowledge come from? I got the sense that the latter was a thing for his ethnic group but idk if that's the right read. I feel like I need a bit more on most of the side characters, and I never really know who I'm supposed to be focusing on other than T and the duke, and why I should be caring about them. Oh except the kid I do care about the kid. But we learn very little about the person who's seemingly responsible for all of this and considering how T's planning to deal with her in some capacity I wonder if we should have more about her.
In terms of cutting back, I don't think we need as much related to the large-scale politics. It doesn't seem relevant at this point what the king and queen are like, only what directly affects the plot. A couple blurbs about the king are okay, such as that he wants to rid the area of influence from certain people, but that's really all we need. Unless the queen is more powerful than I'm realizing. Also, a lot of stuff at the beginning can be trimmed, since to me it seems like the story only really get's rolling when the duke starts talking.
Best of luck with this story!
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On 1/13/2021 at 10:40 AM, Mandamon said:
2) I think there is too much plot for an 8k word story. Before the end, this is expanding quite a bit into the "mom is curing villagers" thread so much that I thought the whole gym scene was a distraction. Now I'm thinking the mom storyline is actually the distraction and this is purely about hiding L for a day. I think one or the other of these plots needs to be cut down for this to work as a short story.
Agreed. Looks like @Mandamon and I focused on two different plots, and both of us felt like we were missing something when the focus shifted to the other one(s).
On 1/13/2021 at 7:59 AM, Robinski said:While that's an interesting idea, however
I fear for the scenario where the reader is confused who is being talked about, especially since Lil would be another 'she' in the scene, and Wr would be another 'he', so there would be plenty of scope for confusion.
I think switching pronouns could work, but it could certainly be quite confusing if not handled carefully. And if you do go down this route I think it needs to be clear that J is using multiple/all pronouns. Because J expressed disdain at picking pronouns, I've been trying not to use pronouns (or at least third person whatever pronouns) when referring to J at all.
On 1/11/2021 at 11:43 PM, kais said:I think we should sit down and really talk about fungi, too, because it seems like you are blending two phylums together and they are too far apart evolutionarily to do that, leading to my complete inability to suspend disbelief about god-spores (mycologists should not read mycology SF).
Okay now I feel bad for not catching this because while I'm not a mycologist per se, fungi are relevant to what I'm studying. No pressure but if you're going to do some educating on what's up with the fungi here, I'd appreciate listening in.
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Let's see what we have here...
Pg 1.
-For me, the first paragraph is teetering on the balance between the narrator sounding authentically young and the text repeating itself to the point of taking me out of the story. I didn't have a huge problem with it necessarily but it did catch my eye as something to look out for, though I guess I'm not the intended audience.
-W glares... At J? Not entirely clear to me.
-"Dr. Mom" is great
Pg 2
-Was A here the whole time? I'm now a bit disoriented
-A reading the journal is kinda a jerk move imo, and despite J's comment it doesn't feel like the story gives enough weight the invasion of privacy here (unless there's some history between the two that makes this okay). Or unless it's just J who doesn't get it and is stuck in a toxic situation here.
Pg 3
-The internality after J says yes isn't necessary imo. All of the info is already there because we can see J is infatuated with A.
Pg 5
-Not sure if I should be taking the line about being fed to a tree seriously. It just seems so ridiculous by my (admittedly narrow) preconceived notions, and the characters make no attempt to expand on it or give me context. If we are supposed to take it seriously, I think some sort of description of the "tree" in question is necessary.
-We know they're in trouble of getting caught, but who will be doing the catching? Because this is SFF I think we need a bit more background about how this is all set up instead of being able to assume it's school administrators/teachers.
Pg 6
-A referring to J (I think?) as he caught me off guard. Is J okay with that? We know J doesn't want to pick a pronoun; does that mean J is okay with all pronouns?
-Still don't know if I should be trusting the tree thing or not. L talks about it so matter of factly and not like someone living in constant terror of being sacrificed. Though maybe that's because I'm not getting a great read on L's personality overall.
Pg 7
-Pretty large tone shift here. Makes sense in character but not sure how I feel about it in the narrative sense.
-Honestly I'm more on board for the J has a crush on A conflict than the mom is in danger conflict. I didn't get the impression I was supposed to focus on/care about the mom before now.
Pg 8
-to be blunt the life-and-death stuff isn't hitting me as hard as I think it's supposed to. I'm here for J's tone and the relationship with A, which was the hook I latched onto.
Pg 9
-There's definitely going to be another surprise inspection now that they've said there won't be one
-Should I be taking W seriously too? Seemed more like an annoying rival in the opening pages but I guess he could be more of a bully figure. He hasn't exerted power over J in a bullying type of way so I haven't really given him much thought in that regard.
Pg 10
-I'm getting way too excited about the prospect of these people kissing for someone who's aro
-"literally swoon" and "exploring their skin" don't do it for me, sorry
-mint and chocolate are good descriptors here
Pg 12
-Would they really get a warning for making out? I think I need to know more about the cultural norms here.
-Oh no J's going to go for the fight I can feel it
-okay nvm false alarm (J standing up to W does work well for the story)
Pg 14
-I simultaneously feel like I don't have enough info on the culture about this tree and that I don't care about it as much as J's and A's character relationship
-The spores thing is cooler than some lame tree (I study plants so I think I can make that joke without offending any botanists around), but it really feels like its own story to me. Or at least not the story I wanted from the hook.
Pg 15
-Tense change at bottom
Pg 16
-Really like J's imagination going off here
Overall:
I was engaged throughout. The length the story is working with here is tricky, since it definitely feels more involved than most short stories but has to wrap up more quickly than a novella, but I guess that's a good length for many SFF short story ideas.
As mentioned in the LBLs, I was more engaged with J's romantic life than L's existence and the mom potentially being in trouble. That's because the initial hook we get is about J's feelings for L, and that becomes the conflict due to the context of teen romance being awkward and difficult even though the story doesn't start off with romantic tropes necessarily. So that becomes the part I focus on, and I don't really want to deviate from it. I also think J's relationship with A is more fleshed out than with L or the mom, which is another reason why I gravitated towards that. Another aspect is that the coolest aspects of the SFF universe such as the spores are introduced 4k words in when it's really difficult to establish a new conflict in a short story.
Couple more things I'll say. The initial setup of the SFF world is stronger imo since it comes before we can get preconceived notions of this being on Earth. Also, while last time people said they really liked J's voice, I think it's better here since it's more focused on the plot and less repetitive (with potential improvements outlined in the LBLs).
Good luck with the rest of the story and in revision!
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21 hours ago, ginger_reckoning said:
Pg 2 “had it not been for the cougar” so did the cougar remind her to bow?
My interpretation was that the cougar bowing reminded her to bow, but I don't think this was actually spelled out.
On 1/11/2021 at 11:00 AM, Mandamon said:--I feel like there's a disconnect through the whole book with how TBK acts and how everyone perceives him. Pretty much every response has been reasonable for a person in a position of extreme authority, even lenient. Yet everyone expects his next action to be iron-handed and cruel. Is there a reason why?
This wasn't something I focused on, but since it's brought up I do agree.
Hmm reading over everyone else's commends and looks like I'm in the minority for thinking this chapter needs a lot of work. I'm guessing that means I'm reading the story for something different than everyone else is right now. My best guess is that the motion in Ir that other people are seeing and I'm missing is the lasting consequences her conversation with S has on the larger family dynamic, while I was focused on how she was acting within the political system. For people like me, I think being more explicit (though cautiously so as to not be heavy-handed) about how Ir's and S's dynamics here connect to Ir's motivations and family could point me in the right direction as to what I should be focusing on here.
...And I do still think she should be making her own plans instead of throwing her lot in with BK but I guess I have to recognize that I'm just one voice out of many here.
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You know why don't I try out that whole LBL thing for once?
Pg 1
-If Ir is convinced that S is going to be executed when she was captured, why side with the BK so wholly?
Pg 2
-Still the same question. If the resistance losing the fight is enough to make her give up all hope, why side against them completely?
Pg 3-4
-BK's actions make sense here. I think this is consistent with my read on him: wants to be compassionate when he can, but puts order above all else.
Pg 6-7
-What is this scene trying to accomplish? Right now I care a lot more about Ir talking with S than knowing the details of how she gets to the prison.
Pg 8
-All caps and exclamation marks has the opposite effect of what I think the intention is. To me, it says that the story can't express its own emotions and tries to force it with punctuation instead of language.
Pg 9
-At the risk of sounding hypocritical as an American given my country's situation, why and how were the resistance ever in a position to win? The guards should be better armed and better fortified than the resistance, even if they're outnumbered. Resistance narratives are great but there needs to be something spurring them on against seemingly impossible odds. Or it should be clear that BK's rule is already on the brink of collapse, which isn't the impression I was getting.
-Bottom of the page, same comment about exclamation marks. My suggestion is to rewrite everything without exclamation marks, seeing if you can find specific words that convey harshness/conviction/whatever you're going for instead, just to get in the habit of looking for alternatives when you think you need an exclamation mark.
Pg 10
-What did this conversation actually accomplish? It's plenty realistic for the characters to butt heads and not get anywhere but scenes are expected to move the narrative forward or be summarized instead.
Overall:
As with many chapters, I think BK here is the strongest character. He's the only one really advancing the plot by being forced to make difficult choices. For S and Ir, the way they're going to act is pretty obvious. And while this may be odd to say given the tension of the situation, the fact that they're both sticking to their guns makes it feel like their characters aren't being pushed. There are ways for the sisters' stubbornness to lead to development in other ways, such as if Ir realizing that S will choose death convinces her to stand against the leadership, but we don't see any signs of that (also that idea of mine is not particularly good since it would make Ir seem really wishy-washy; I was just throwing it out as an example).
To frame it another way, one common framework for assessing chapters is asking "what changed from start to finish?" Here, it's the fact that S is going to choose death, which is entirely the work of BK since we know how S will act and Ir isn't able to change her mind at all. Not that she should be able to change S' mind easily, which means that the story has reached a bit of a tight spot. Personally, I think the story should stick to its guns. BK makes sense and S makes sense here. Ir couldn't persuade S to stop before, and she shouldn't be able to now. But something should change for Ir here. Her sister's about to be executed, and she needs to come up with a plan for preventing this from happening. To do so, she needs to navigate both S' stubbornness and assess how much she can get away with bending BK's rules. Ir is the only major character who has the name magic power, and is the only major character with real personal connections on both sides of the conflict here. Despite this, she's leveraged neither attribute to get what she wants, and has mostly been working for BK's side with no plans or ambitions of her own. If she's going to be the real protagonist of this story, I don't think that's going to cut it.
I think the story is really on the verge of something great here. Hopefully this helps!
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Okay so yeah the first couple of pages are very helpful for grounding us in the scene. I mean, I guess all things considered it's actually a good sign that the chapter reads so weirdly without the first couple of pages because that means they're necessary.
I still feel the same way about the tear having room for a louder personality. Only larger comments here are that I'd avoid using slavery vocabulary and calling people "it" unless you have a really good reason to. Even removing the social aspect, slavery can evoke any number of connotations based on historical context (slavery in the colonial Americas was quite different from slavery in the Ottoman Empire, for example), so without more information it's not a super useful descriptor imo. But hey plenty of SFF books get away with it so what do I know.
20 minutes ago, karamel said:pg 1: "paddled her way through the air" and "technique to 'swim' through the air." okay so, there's air, but no gravity right? I dont know much about this but I thought you couldn't swim through the air in zero gravity? I think it would have such a minimal effect that it would be pointless, cause air isnt dense enough or something. to move, you would have to push off things and propel yourself. I honestly dont know though, so you could be fine and I could be wrong.
pg 2: "as tears streamed down her face" wait so there is gravity? otherwise, would the tears not just... float in the air? idk how it works but thats my assumption lol
not sure about the first point, but for the second I'd think tears would stick in globs attached to skin/eyes from surface tension.
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18 minutes ago, ginger_reckoning said:
OOOOOOOOOOOOOO OK SO I JUST REALIZED I FORGOT TO SEND THE FIRST FEW PAGES OF THE CHAPTER AAAAAAAAA
I'm going to resend the chapter I am so sorry no wonder it was so confusing
Okay that makes me feel better about being confused. Normally I have to read through submissions pretty efficiently because grad student life, so this time I was like "man I must have missed a lot of stuff from the last chapters."
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In terms of narrative structure, I thought these chapters were stronger than the previous ones. In particular, in chapter 3 we get what looks to me like the inciting incident with E revealing that the emperor is dead and everyone not taking it super well. For me, this is where it feels like the setup ends and the real motion of the story begins, because it looks like the book's going to be about this rebel group dealing with the fallout of their actions on the various planets that are represented. Because of this, I didn't feel like it got too info-dumpy after that point because I knew what the point was and the story was sticking with it. I thought chapter 4 flowed well because of this; the actions of chapter 3 inform the within-group conflict of chapter 4. This made me wonder if the first couple of chapters are even necessary. Killing the emperor seems like a flashy opening but so far the story has more to do with this group trying to deal with the aftermath of their revolution, so strange as it is to say the emperor himself isn't really relevant. That is, unless his cryptic words in the first chapters are going to be pivotal, in which case they should be the main focus of those chapters.
Agreed with the others that I think we need to know a bit more about motivations, especially in a plot that focuses heavily on politics. Though, this can and probably should include some characters who intentionally hide their motivations, and other characters who try to figure those motivations out. Especially within the rebel group. Also, I second not really understanding E's role as figurehead. Is she supposed to appear as the new emperor? If so, why is everyone mad at her for doing so? If not, why did she think that was a good idea? I assumed she was more of a PR person for the rebels but I get the feeling that my earlier reading of that was off.
One last minor note is that especially because the chapter started in dialogue, I was a bit disoriented as to where we were and what was going on at the start and could have used a bit more scene-setting. And the sassy orb thing could probably be played up even more, honestly. Objects need to have an extra-loud personality to stand out and have more leeway to be extra since we don't always expect human subtlety from them.
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Agreed on what everyone said in terms of pacing and length. There's a lot of good stuff here, but I didn't feel like I needed a full 5k words, especially for a prologue.
For me the most interesting part were the comments on the political relations between the kingdom and the dukedom, and how that relates to the events outlined her. I'm not entirely sure what's going on yet, but am eager to find out more. I'm not sure they need to be a strong focus in the prologue, but that's where my interest is for now.
I think part of the reason why is that we don't get a ton from T as a character, so I latched onto the potential setting motion with political shifts rather than any character-based motion. @Robinski's summary of character buy-in was exactly how I felt, and is why I gravitated towards the worldbuilding instead. I think the worldbuilding here either needs to be a stronger consistent focus throughout the prologue or (more likely) that we need some more character-driven moments. I feel like I say this in every first chapter critique so apologies if I'm a broken record but I feel like I need more clarity around T's motivations and history. Not the whole story, but glimpses into who he is and how he was shaped into being that way. Because this is a prologue, I'm not sure if we're going to be following T in the future. If we're not, I think there's ironically more pressure for his character to shine since the story really has to justify putting him in these first few pages if he's not the MC. He needs to hook me immediately with personality and motivations if this is the case.
Since you mention Sanderson, one thing I'll say is that the talk about magic here doesn't quite line up with his rules about magic systems. Having the big magical mishap explosion be a major plot point that results in a path forward for the characters is tricky when it comes before the explanation of how said magic actually works. The issue for me is that the dynamic about the midwife and who to blame relies on us having an intimate understanding with the magic that I'm not sure we do. We know that she messes up, but I don't think we get enough specifics about what that really means. Without concrete rules, it's difficult to turn magic into plot that helps the protagonists.
Not a lot more to add here other than adding another voice saying that a prologue should be snappy. Oh and that I want to protect the kid and you had better not hurt him.
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4 hours ago, Snakenaps said:
I'm probably going to have a lot of people incorrectly assuming I'm a furry and get offended at that.
Oh yeah I want to reassure you but that's definitely going to happen. Best of luck navigating that if/when it happens.
Going to echo what everyone else said about this being impactful. This is one of the cases where Ir's focus on family throughout the larger narrative really pays off. So as much as we said that many of the family scenes in earlier chapters lacked real motion, they're key for moments like this to have full impact. I want to make sure the story keeps track of that in revisions. I do hope the family scenes get integrated into the main plot, but cutting them will expose different holes in the story. Like San and Par being so sweet and precious made me much sadder about their dad dying.
Though I'm still not sure how the whole spy crystal plot fits into this... but maybe that's a conversation for another day.
Speaking of earlier chapters, while I think this chapter does its best based on the current setup I think there's still room for improvement in terms of Ir's proactivity. In my mind, her charging in blindly and even admitting that she's an idiot for doing so feels like a band-aid solution to her really having no role in this conflict until very recently. She doesn't have a plan, and she's just sort of hoping that if she sides with BK that things will turn out well. It's a step up because she's proactively choosing a side, but I still don't feel like she's carving her own path like the best protagonists do. She has a unique power here and I think she could try to flex it more. Her saying that BK can only go for nonlethal attacks based on her powers is a good start to this, and I want to see her flex that muscle more. I think much of this needs to be done in buildup during previous chapters because really Ir doesn't seem to be leveraging her skills much at all, as a bargaining chip or otherwise, to get what she wants. That being said, there are certainly other ways for her to be more proactive, but leveraging her special powers seems like the natural place to start for me.
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Agreed with the above on many fronts. Smooth read overall.
Didn't get the symbolism with the peonies but honestly I don't think I needed to. I'm more interested in the large-scale character dynamics. If symbols play a role in that then fine but I don't see them as the end all be all. Which leads into my point about the main thing I was missing from this story being details of her mundane life. There's something compelling about an old lady living alone (?) who ends up chatting with aliens (real or imagined) as a way of dealing with the isolation and loneliness (which hits different during the pandemic, I must say). If that's the dynamic the story wants to focus on, I think we need more about the loneliness in her mundane life, and how aliens bridge that gap to the point of her wanting to leave with them. Right now the decision seems sudden to me, but if the story is explicit about there being nothing for her on Earth then it makes more sense.
This is all assuming the dynamic I've identified is one the story wants me to be focusing on. If not, I need a bit more guidance on what I should have been looking at instead.
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Answering your questions:
Combat: Good news is I do think it's mostly clear what's going on. Less good news is that I didn't fully get the "brutal" vibe that the story was after. For me, a lot of how a fight comes off has to do with the framing and atmosphere. The actual motions of battle usually aren't that interesting since they feel more like a series of actions than a story. If the battles want to be gritty, I think that needs to start with the tone and non-combat details (not gore, necessarily, but moments that convey something like grit). Bad news is those kinds of fights aren't the ones I write or read much of, so I don't really know how to build that kind of atmosphere. One more observation is that the story leans a lot on adverbs in the fight scenes. These are usually places where the story recognizes that it needs something more and uses an adverb as a band-aid solution when it really needs more characterization/atmosphere setting/imagery ect. Maybe try removing the adverbs, seeing what's missing, and trying to explore what can fill that hole.
Dialogue: I think the dialogue is serviceable with potential for improvement. First note is to watch for is when dialogue is primarily expository (such as listing titles). This will almost always fall flat and if it needs to be told to us outright getting it internally is often better (though this should be limited too). Second point: you know how I said the fight scenes try to band-aid holes with adverbs? The dialogue does that with exclamation points. If a line needs the extra oomph of an exclamation point, that (usually) means the words themselves aren't strong enough. It might help to try forcing characters to convey conviction using word choice alone and avoiding all exclamation points until you feel comfortable doing so. This sort of ties into my third point. My general rule for dialogue is that if I can imagine any other character in the story saying the same line in same situation as the character speaking, it's not specific enough. Each line should feel like it comes from the character first and conveys info second. It's a lofty goal and one that I certainly don't always achieve, but it keeps me pointed in the right direction.
Sword: I'm going to be blunt here and say that I didn't notice them all too much. Have you read Warbreaker by Brandon Sanderson (given that you're on these forums I figure it's a decent chance)? One aspect of that book is that the blade whose name I'm forgetting has a loud personality with how they want to kill evil, much more so than most of the human characters. The same is true for the ship from Skyward that I'm also forgetting the name of. An object come to life often needs to have a larger personality to stand out since they can't rely on the subtlety of human cues. Plus if they're not super weird you could probably get the same effect with a human companion instead, so living objects often gravitate towards the wacky. You'll have to decide if this conflicts too much with the brutality you want to have for the fight scenes. Oh, and calling the blade an "it" makes me less interested in them as an entity since the story isn't gracing them with personhood status.
General comments:
On 1/4/2021 at 2:53 PM, kais said:not having character buy-in so not caring if our lead lives or dies
This was my response as well, harsh as it might seem. For me, this is usually a sign that I don't know enough about the character's motivations and the history that shapes those motivations. We're here to read a story about a person, not watch blades go swinging everywhere. Well, at least I am.
So what is C after? What does he really want? What's precious to him that could be taken away? And how did he get there? We don't need all the answers in the first couple of chapters, but I think we do need hints. I think we get more about A than we do about him.
On 1/4/2021 at 2:53 PM, kais said:My biggest complaint is how our lead speaks to A. It's clearly gendered, the way he interacts with her.
Yeah I noticed this too. Didn't make me put the story down or anything but could use a clean-up.
Best of luck revising and moving forward with the story!
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On 12/29/2020 at 11:25 PM, Snakenaps said:
Ha, it's barely been set up at all. The plot by far is the weakest part of the story because it's so jumbled and having such a bad identity crisis. I have eleven straight chapters with no stakes. I've got the threads to weave myself a good tapestry, but I've got a hell of a lot of knots to untangle if not cut first.
Aw, I wouldn't agree with that. And even if I did, what I'm trying to talk about is different from stakes, at least the way I rationalize it. It's less "there's no action here" and more "we were talking about stumbling on your employer stealing a crystal and now we're dealing with a revolution--what's the connection here?"
On 1/2/2021 at 11:15 AM, shatteredsmooth said:Unless the guards are in the revolutionaries pocket and are trying to keep I quiet.
Agreed that this is a great idea, though I'm sure there are other good ways for the story to go here if that's not the route you want to take.
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Wow everyone has such in-depth analyses and I feel like I don't have too much to say, though a lot of that is because I really liked most of this.
I did feel like I got a much better understanding of the world than before. Being in the dark didn't really bother me before, though now I feel like I'm more prepared to go into the main story. One thing I'll say is that I feel fairly comfortable with the concepts presented about the planet N, including the seeds, but some of the interplanetary stuff didn't stick as well. I don't think it needs to right now but if the concepts mentioned at the space station are going to be key I'll still need to be eased into them. What I liked the most about this prologue is that we get a clear emotional centering of N's desire to return home. Whenever N's doing something to try and achieve her goal of landing, such as listening to her uncle talk about their religion, I'm grounded in a clear enough emotional plot that the story's allowed to slip in worldbuilding info without it being too confusing/dense to me.
If I had to identify one area I wasn't as certain about, it was the plot about the seeds. Right now it feels like we have some scenes that focus on the seeds and some that focus on N's desire to go home, with the two interacting in some capacity like when the uncle is talking about the religion and N finds a way to ask about the history of plant breeding (super cool, by the way). For me, N's emotional plot about wanting to return home is the more interesting focus here, and whenever we're only focused on the seeds like at the beginning I wasn't as engaged (because I studied plants in undergrad I found myself getting interested in the plants themselves, but not in a way that drew me into the story if that makes any sense). This also goes for the space station scene, where I was more interested in N being an outsider and having to keep her hands in her pockets than her ideas for the seeds when talking with A. The story rationalizes the seeds as being important since they allow N and Y to have jobs and maintain an income, which is fine as a background detail and important in their lives on a practical level but isn't sufficient as a narrative device to me. N doesn't seem to be primarily motivated by work/profit, so I don't get a good sense of stakes for what happens if she loses money from the seeds not doing well. My first thought is that the seeds could be connected more directly to her desire to return home, either through some emotional value N places in the seeds that represent home or more practical circumstances that prevent her from getting home if the seeds fail and she and Y are out of jobs, though I'm sure there are other ways to raise stakes here. I think it also depends on what the larger story wants to do with the seeds. If they're not going to be important in the main plot, I don't think we need nearly as much as we get about them here. If they are important, I think there are ways to more directly weave them into N's emotional plot.
On 12/30/2020 at 0:40 PM, Robinski said:Even N's motivation to reach the planet is not explained. Her family are hinted at, and there is description with great emotion attached to it, but I'm not really sold on it when she works for Y and presumably will fly away again after a bit.
This didn't bother me as much but I certainly wouldn't say no to more specificity about what home means to her and why it's so appealing.
On 12/30/2020 at 0:40 PM, Robinski said:I really struggled with the lack of plot, and the lack of personal motivations. I had very little understanding of why anyone was doing anything. Why did the Dis want the seeds anyway? Just for their technical and commercial applications? In other words, just another group wanting to make money?
I was reading the prologue for N alone really so this didn't really bother me. If I felt like the focus was supposed to be on the larger world of the story and interconnected planetary systems then I'd want to know more about this, but if it's just supposed to be about N's experience (which is how I'm currently reading it) then it works for me as is.
One last comment is that I think the character moment at the end is quite strong, but only if the story follows up on it by focusing on the changing society of the planet moving forward.
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It's always hard for me to critique prologues because they rarely hook me but they also rarely turn me off a book but I'll do my best.
In this chapter, I was most interested in I as the sentient ship lady. Talking through the flower is also a great image, but I's powers and personality drew me in. Does every ship have something/someone like her? I was wondering how invested to get in case she only shows up in the prologue and isn't a feature of the larger world.
If I had to identify one area for improvement, I'd say how the chapter closes out. I'm not sure if this is a one-line change or if more setup work needs to be done in the background, but the "I've failed her" is too general to key me into a specific character dynamic to be excited about. What does failing her mean for him and for the world? What makes this tricky is that our unconscious friend here isn't able to articulate all of this, but I still think it's necessary for the story to delve into more specifics here to get a bigger oomph. Whether that comes in a different line or something else happening that reinforces the danger depends on what the story wants to do with that dynamic.
One question I had: We know that W doesn't recognize the tech, but does he recognize the culture the young man is from (either from appearance or uniform or something else)? I feel like this reads different if it's someone close to home having this secret giant mech vs someone from a faraway land he's not fully aware of.
Wish I had more comments but like I said most prologues don't evoke much in me positive or negative. Best of luck with this story going forward!
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One of the changes that helped me out a lot here are solidifying Et's place in the group and establishing something that sets her apart as a pacifist at heart in the middle of a revolutionary group. That idea has a bunch of potential and that's one of the major hooks for me. I'm expecting to see this idea develop and lead to more clashes with the rest of the gang in the future. I also liked knowing that she was the second choice. This is especially helpful since we get some "chosen one" vibes since she's the only one who can touch the Tear and the emperor seems to know quite a bit about her. A chosen one who was never supposed to be chosen is another dynamic that I really like, and is the other main hook that I'm reading the story for at this point.
I found the meeting to be a bit slow as well, and for me it's because it doesn't really advance the two dynamics above that I took personal interest in. The end of an early chapter like this is especially important for setting up an arc, and I think it's the story's chance to show what it's really going to be about. There are real concerns raised in the meeting, to be sure, but nothing that I could see kicking off a major conflict or arc for Et. Ideally, I'd like to see a conflict forming here that draws on Et's personality. One of the main concerns that the characters talk about is the lack of knowledge they have, but that doesn't seem to have anything to do with Et in particular since her thing seems to be acting as the face of the party and showing compassion. If it's important to hash out those details but they don't relate to Et directly, I think it's okay for the story to summarize it for us. Either way, I think there needs to be something related to what we know about Et pushing her forward in the story since right now it feels mostly like bigwigs talking and her listening.
One final note: I was able to get a clearer view of the side characters this time around, though some of that could be already knowing them from the first draft. Good job!
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2/01/2021 - Kais - Pruitcu - Chapter 1 (L) - 2132 words
in Reading Excuses
Posted
Looks like everyone got here before me...
As I go:
pg 1
-First paragraph feels like an info dump and I'm not feeling it tbh. 2nd paragraph is good and I can see how it's trying to build to that moment to shift the tone, but I still prefer starting off in the action of the story
-I'm curious why this seems like no big deal to people other than S. Is it a routine occurence to have planets blow up like this?
pg 2
-Like that we get a bit on how S sees Y, both physically and as a person
-I don't follow why this is the planet A's fault but I don't feel like I need to know right now. Seeing S' conviction is enough... so long as we get more info later
pg 3
-The communication here works well because S being interested in the planet P is set up. I care about what MP has to say about P and how that affects S
pg 4
-I think I understand their dynamic. MP is affiliated with the people that enslaved/did terrible things to S and her people, but they feel for S and are trying to help her. S doesn't want anything to do with the people who caused her so much pain even though she's desperate for information at this point. If I'm right props to you for setting up a complicated dynamic like that so quickly
-middle of the page is mostly stuff I was assuming already. I honestly think their messages make their dynamic clear enough that we don't really need any background
-Okay, the implications of the statement at the bottom of the page aren't super clear to me. How exactly does P's destruction make these other people from the J system more of a threat? I don't really get it and I think this is important for me to know. I also wouldn't mind a bit of exposition from S about the J system, honestly, so long as it's still character-rooted. I'm guessing she doesn't care about it as much as MP does.
pg 5
-I also feel like I need more about how the planet of E actually plays into this. Also, it sounds like E and At are on the planet of Ar? "Conflict of Interest" doesn't really give me any idea of what's going on. Does S know what they're talking about?
-So the moon K is S's homeworld, is that the implication? If I had to guess I'd say the whole thing was abandoned when it got out how horrifying the experiments were. How does S feel about this place? The description makes the broader dynamics clear but what I really want to know is what this means for S. Is it a chance for her to reclaim for herself the knowledge that was used to hurt her? Is it a place so terrifying and scarring that she never wants to set foot on it again? I'm guessing somewhere in between.
pg 6
-It wasn't clear to me before that S dislikes adventure and change. I think this is more powerful if it's shown in her reaction to P being blown up or when she's talking to P rather than told to us here. Right now it feels like it's being thrown in to force her to be conflicted, if that makes any sense.
pg 7
-Not immediately clear to me that N is the one speaking
-Her internal thoughts here are another case of something that I think could be shown in more detail. We learn that she wants to uncover her past and be surrounded by people like her, but what does that mean for her? What parts of her history is she excited/nervous about uncovering, and what does she feel like connections with people like her can bring that her social life here can't? Also, as much as I love the hitting people with a coffee maker, it feels a bit comedic for what seems like a very serious topic. If I were enslaved I'd want to do a little more than hit people with coffee makers.
pg 8-9
-Nice to see a bit of Y's personality here. I don't hate him as much as I did last chapter
-Good ending that cements her taking up the metaphorical sword to become more active as a character
Overall:
Not sure I have too much to say other than the LBL comments. The stuff with S thinking about her past and talking to P is really solid overall, and my only comment is that I think there's room to give her more specific motivations about what she's interested in (going home, learning history, finding other people like her, ect). Right now I can see (almost) anyone in her position having her views, and I want to see her personality inform her desires in a way that's unique to her.
I think I need a bit more on the mission she's been assigned to. I get that there might not be space to explain every relevant tidbit to a new reader, but I don't really know how S feels about it which I think is the bigger issue for me here. Also I still don't really get why they want S to be doing this even though they talked about it so I feel like I should.
I definitely enjoyed reading this and I'm interested to see more!