Ace of Hearts

Thanks for the heads up! I don't usually look at critiques until Sunday anyways (turns out I stress out like crazy about it unless I plan a specific time in advance lol), so I may not even notice

Hi everyone, Thanks for the comments last week! I'm glad to hear that the overall conclusion of part 2 felt all right, and I'll try to work on the clarity in revision. We're finishing up interludes and moving into part 3 today, which I'm hoping has a bit of a cleaner plot. But I guess the point of getting critiqued is to figure out and see! Thanks! (Also, looks like the comments for last week's sub got copy pasted into the email. Whoops.)

I'll have a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!

Hi everyone, Thanks for the feedback last week! Like I mentioned I'm planning to rewrite a lot of part 2, which I hope will help with the clarity near the end. For today, we have the end of part 2. No funny April Fool's Day shenanigans, unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately). Mostly I'm curious if the sacrifice here comes across well or if it feels contrived. Thanks as always!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!

Hi everyone, Thanks for the feedback last week, and I'm glad to hear that the submission read well! At this point we're getting into the climax of part 2, so I'm curious to see how it comes across. Thanks as always!

@Silk I'll have a slot for tomorrow please!

Hi everyone, Thanks for all the feedback on the last submission! I think I'll keep most of the broad strokes events the same, but adjust the buildup and work on streamlining the pre-battle dialogue scenes. I have a feeling that this one is going to also come across as a bit slow with dialogue that isn't immediately plot-relevant, so please do feel free to skim these sections once you get a gist of what they're talking about (especially since I'm over word count). I debated going in and making some more edits since I already suspect this will be an issue but honestly the amount of overhaul I'm planning for part 2 makes me think that it would be more helpful to get all the feedback first and then rewrite part 2 on a structural level. Thanks as always!

Hi @Silk can I have a slot for today please?

Hi everyone, We're jumping back into Everlasting Sunset with a submission that has a bit more action than the preceding ones. It's clear that I need to tighten up the overall narrative arc for part 2 but my current plan is to slot this in without too many big changes unless people feel that this needs big changes beyond changing the leadup to this moment. Thanks!

Hi @Silk I'd like a slot for tomorrow please!

Thanks @Silk @Mandamon for the feedback! As an update, I'd like to continue submitting this story but I had some chronic health issues flare up so we'll see how long it is until I'm in a place to keep submitting. Thanks as always for your all your comments so far!

Hi everyone, This submission focuses once more on A connecting with her soldiers while they infodump, which I'll probably change in revisions due to the consensus being that those scenes don't work for the story that well. If it feels the same way here feel free to skim since I'll need to revamp a lot of these kinds of scenes anyways. Thanks as always!

M is the bureaucrat who was getting on A's case in part 1, and then told A late in part one that they used to be a soldier and was secretly on A's side. It's been a while since we've seen them but they'll be important later. Thanks as always for the feedback!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!

Hi everyone, Again, I'm more interested in general comments from a quick read here since I think a lot of the individual scenes in part 2 are going to be overhauled regardless. Particularly, I want to focus more on the dynamic between A and Am which we get a bit of here in revisions, so it would be helpful to know how that comes across. Thanks!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!

Thanks for your comments @Mandamon! Since I've gotten multiple comments about this, I think for context I'll lay out my thoughts behind A's relation to gender (maybe this is worthwhile context for @Silk's future critiques as well). My grand idea (which even while writing draft 1 I was worried about being too hard to tackle) is for A in part 1 to not really understand her relation to gender, and see the minister/soldier divide as one of societal roles and power. Then starting in part 2, she comes to grapple with more of what that identity means. The idea is that the text mimics this--that the role of gender as identity groups that we recognize isn't apparent at the start but becomes clearer as the characters break from the system and gain a clearer understanding of self. The reason I'm interested in doing it this way is to shift the focus away from just being "X group that we immediately recognize from the real world is oppressed in this fantasy world" and more towards the process of self-discovery and straining against expectations. Of course, this isn't to deny that all of this needs more setup, and I'll try to find ways for A's introspection in part 1 to lead her here even if she doesn't understand gender as a concept at the start.

Happy New Year, everyone! Thanks a lot for the comments last time. I think I'm going to do pretty heavy revisions for the start of part 2, focusing on 1. A's struggle to understand own relationship with gender and 2. Her connection with Am and how she projects her own rigid understanding of gender onto him in an attempt to save him from the dysphoria she suffered from, similar to how she was trying to save P in part 1. So how does that tie into this submission? With the initial setup for part 2 needing a lot of work, I think it's inevitable that the rest of the part isn't going to feel as cohesive as it could be. Which means at this point I'm more interested in hearing what people think about the broad plot threads and what can potentially be done to tie everything together. Thanks!

A bit last-minute but I'd like a slot for this week please! @Silk

Excited to dig into the rest of this! Overall: The general flow of the conflict into climax into resolution went about as expected and I think works pretty well. My main constructive comments are as follows: -For the opening setting up G’s fun villain personality quite well, we don’t get to see too much of it in this second half. The focus on M’s connections with her friends teaming up to take him down didn’t hold my interest as much as G and M interacting directly. -M’s romance with T is a key part of not only the buildup, but the resolution. I think the arc of it needs to be clearer from the start if it’s going to be this important—maybe it’s just because there were a lot of names at once that I couldn’t keep track of, but I didn’t get a feel at all for this being an important emotional arc of the story near the start. -Related to this, for the setup of M’s emotional arc revolving around her guilt, I felt like we didn’t get a lot of motion there in this second half. I think there are connections that could be drawn with her being able to fight G nonlethally and relying on connections with T and friends to manage the guilt, but I think the story needs to do more work to tie all these pieces together. As I go: Pg 1. I’m guessing this follows precedent from your other work but I’m surprised that M doesn’t use typical swears Pg 3. I like the idea of M grappling with her guilt while in a life or death situation that’s further triggering it, but the end of the scene emotional turn doesn’t feel fully set up to me. I’d like to see more of this emotion throughout. Pg 5. I like the sense of direction here though it’s a bit hard for me to track who everyone is and what they’re doing—though that may just be me not being familiar with them from your previous work and taking a week break halfway through. Pg 7-8. Again I think party of my hangup here is not being familiar with Th, but the romance scene here feels like an interruption to the plot rather than something that aids it. The beginning of the story set up the external conflict with G being the worst and in the internal conflict with M’s guilt and the story doesn’t really tie this to either. Pg 10-11. I’m having a hard time following the action sequence—which tends to happen when I read sci-fi so that itself isn’t necessarily an issue—which makes me aware of how we’re not getting a lot of movement in the emotional plot right now. Pg 12. I think I’m missing how G got free after M and the others restrained him Pg 15. Now that G is fully restrained I need a new plot thread to hold my attention, and I’m not quite finding one in this conversation Pg 18. My first thought for Isle of Skye was the board game lol—comes from being an American who’s never visited Europe I guess haha Pg 19. The scenes after G’s defeated don’t carry a ton of weight for me since that’s where my investment was. I think there’s room to make the resolution quicker and more pointed.

Hi everyone! I'm curious if the pacing picks up here with A and co. going to the area where they'll be spending most of part 2, or if it's still not quite coming together. Additionally, this is where the gender politics start to become more direct, so it would be good to know if there are any hangups with that side of things. Thanks as always!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow, please!

Thanks for the comments! Since I'm guessing @Robinski will be critiquing the submission for this upcoming week, I'll give some more context This is something specific to the society being set up in an unconventional way. The founding principles are that people in power should stay away from all aspects of violence/war to prevent military rule. To accomplish this, soldiers are kept as an oppressed class to limit any power/agency they might have. A is stuck in an awkward middle position where she's managing soldiers but is expected not to engage with war/violence in any way (this also brushes against the gender issues). A is in charge; S is just blunt and direct, saying what he thinks A should do like it's a command. A wants the soldiers to be less subservient to her in general so she doesn't discourage that behavior. Another note that might help understand the context here is that most of the soldiers are teenagers while A is in her early twenties, so the intention is for S to come across as having teenage attitude. The monster attacks are fairly routine and would both be beneath the notice of someone like the queen and would come across as very improper to bring up. A is an anomaly for taking the attacks seriously and actually trying to protect her soldiers. Some of the soldiers A is currently commanding (Am, D, G, and X) are deserters from another base turned revolutionaries. They fought A and she struck a deal after killing their leader to spare them if they surrendered. Or at least, that's the story A is going with to the authorities. She believes (especially as someone who used to be a soldier and transitioned into a minister) that the way soldiers are treated is fundamentally wrong and doesn't blame them for deserting/rebelling, but at the same time feels like she needs to use her authority within that flawed system to protect them.

Haven’t read your stuff in a while so it’s good to see you again! Overall: I liked the core of the story here with M having to deal with G while at the same time grappling with her trauma of having killed someone before. The opening does a good job setting up G being the worst in a fun way that makes me excited to see if/how M will take him down. What didn’t work as well for me was everything in between. It takes a long time from M’s PoV to get us back to the actual conflict that was set up in the opening, and while I see why her friends have to be present none of their interactions really grabbed me. I think this was because the opening set up a clear conflict and anything we see in scene not related to that conflict isn’t going to be as engaging to me as something that is, i.e. signaling M to stop antagonizing G is fine because that’s related to the conflict I care about, but their banter with each other before setting out doesn’t grab me. I’m sure this is partially because I’m not familiar with these characters but I also think that even if I were I’d rather see their interactions revolve more directly around the conflict. I think this could mean trimming pgs 4-14 and/or keeping the discussion on relevant topics like how M has the best skills out of the group to deal with (at least certain types of) dangerous situations but has some trauma about what happened before. As I go: Pg 1-2. The second paragraph is where we get some real characterization, and I think could function as a better opening than the first one. Pg 3. Feels like a bit of the struggle is missing here. Also, it could be nice to know more about G and L’s history with each other. This reads different for G’s characterization (which is what I’m assuming matters here) if they’ve been on missions together for years vs met each other a couple days ago. Pg 3-4. Even if I had full context here I think this could use more of an active hook instead of (or along with) the retrospection -Also, even if people have read the previous work in this world I think a reminder could be nice of who these characters are. It’s tough for a short form story but a recap in the style of how sequels quickly go over context from previous books could help. Pg 6-8. I’m still having a hard time seeing the hook, and ideally it’s something that I could pick up on even with no knowledge of these characters. We get that M’s trauma is important and always lingers with her, but I don’t see signs of movement that turn it into a real plot focus. Pg 10. This definitely is something that not knowing these characters makes trickier but I’m not sure what having so many people here adds to the story. Though maybe it works itself out if I get a clearer idea of the plot motion I’m supposed to track. Pg 14-15. Glad we’re coming around to (presumably) what happened at the start. Right now I’m engaged with M dealing with the hijacker but not most of the surrounding details about her friends -Also with so many names M’s J name for the hijacker gets a bit blended in with everything else (especially with another character whose name starts with Ja). Not a big deal but I wonder if it would be clearer and provide more characterization if she settled on one of her insulting nicknames for him. Pg 17. Okay, here’s where the trauma becomes relevant to the plot. This is the kind of thing I was looking for at the start of M’s PoV and if there’s nothing like this that can be put into those scenes then I’m not sure how necessary they are for the story. -I like the observation that M makes about the hijacker probably planning to kill them. I think we could use a little more right away on what she’s planning to do about that.