Ace of Hearts

Additional warning for toxic/abusive relationships involving mental illness. We're getting pretty close to the end! There's a lot happening quickly here and I'm not sure how much of it has an impact so we'll see how it reads. Thanks!

Thanks for your comments! I have a feeling there's going to be more confusion with the characters in the next couple of subs since there's a lot of characters turning on each other pretty quickly. I'll take a step back and reassess once I'm through submitting the whole thing. There's 15k words left, so probably 4-5 subs. Which was more than I was expecting based on how far we are, so there could potentially be room to cut down.

I'll have a slot for tomorrow, please!

Tagged for mentions of violence and gore. Hi everyone! I want to give anyone interested a chance to catch up, but I also don't want to go multiple weeks between subs and have people forget everything so I'm opting for a shorter sub. Thanks!

Thanks for your feedback! These were both points I had my eye on so it's good to get confirmation that they stick out.

I'll take a slot for tomorrow, please!

Additional content warning for abusive relationships. Seems like people are pretty busy, so I'm going to try to make these subs a bit shorter so it's less of a hassle to keep up. In a relationship story there has to be a point near the end where everything goes wrong in the relationship, which we're hitting today. It's important for this to come across well, so any suggestions on that front are appreciated! Thanks as always!

Bit late but I'd like a slot for tomorrow, please!

Wow I thought I got here late but looks like I'm first! Overall: Interesting concept with a lot of good details to set the atmosphere in a short amount of time. I was engaged the whole way through! Two major points: first, I think M’s condition can get tangled up in how it depicts disability. It’s scratching the surface of a complicated subculture and lived experience that the story doesn’t seem fully equipped to fully delve into, especially with his feelings of isolation. Second, and this is my comment with 95% of short stories I see, short stories need something really weird and distinct to stand out. What’s here is solid and that is worth quite a bit, but the way the pieces fit together is almost a little too neat and there’s not a ton to delve into after finishing. As I go: Pg 1. I like the variety of background details we get on the characters and setting but I think we’re missing a real hook. When a reader looks at this, what do you want to jump out at them as being distinct and engaging? Pg 2. This feels like a continuation of the background given in page 1. With only four pages I think the story needs to establish how it’s moving here Pg 3. M didn’t strike me as the type to attack the robbers head-on, and I think the earlier pages could paint him in a light that helps this make sense. Sure, he’s someone whose longing means he doesn’t have much to lose in the present, but that alone isn’t sufficient for me. -The supernatural element is interesting here, though I can’t speak as to whether or not it holds up with respect to disability. Regardless, I think we need more hints that this is magic beforehand, ideally in the first paragraph/sentence.

Hi everyone, Thanks for the feedback last week! It's given me a lot of ideas about how to expand on the dynamic between W and H. If the tags weren't enough of a clue, we're getting back into the characters being flung into danger this submission, so I'm curious to see how that lands. Thanks!

I'll have a slot for this week, please!

YA, with the kids being in the 14-17 age range

Overall: I didn’t get a good sense of tension/motion/plot here. Like I say in LBLs I’m guessing part of this is because it’s been a while since the last sub but even with that I think I’m a bit too disconnected from the characters. It doesn’t feel like D really accomplishes anything here, and since I’m not connected to her planning and deduction I don’t have a good feel for the cause and effect of the story. For example, Y finding the suspicious dildo feels random and to some degree unearned even though it’s a reasonable thing to happen because it’s not tied to D being proactive or figuring something out. If we’re supposed to be picking up on hints and putting things together on our own by this point I didn’t catch any of it, so ultimately I think I need more to work with here even if it’s just D telling us what she thinks about the situation. As I go: Pg 1-2. I’m looking for a chapter hook and not really finding one. I’m probably just forgetting since the last sub was a while ago but it could help for D to be focusing on what she’s actually trying to accomplish here. Pg 3. I’ll try not to keep repeating my old points but why is Y here again? She’s clearly not being helpful and I don’t remember exactly what she’s trying to get out of this either. Pg 5-6. It’s easy to see that D is doing investigation work but I don’t get a sense of progress because I can’t really tell what she’s looking for. Maybe it’s more obvious to someone who remembers the past chapters (or to someone who isn’t ace), but I do think a good mystery should key us into the investigator’s ideas and deductions regardless.

Hi everyone! This is the last sub of W doing her own thing while N isn't really present, and as with the past couple of subs I'm curious to see how that comes off. Thanks for reading!

I like this idea! Makes sense that me being worried about N not being in here led to the story trying too hard to make him relevant here.