M.Puddles

Thank you @kais, @Mandamon, @rdpulfer and @Robinski. As before, I appreciate your patience as I work my way thorugh this. It seemed everyone had an issue with the openeing line. I imagined it to be the fall a person makes when they fall unexpectedly...but cut short. Silvered bees-a bit of world building that I tried to incorporate and didn't seem to work. It = a faint metallic buzzing. Contub-Contubernium - It is the smalled grouping that the romans used (eight man squad). This story carries some Roman undertones throughout. It is not in common dictionaries though and I'll have to rethink how I incorporate or define the squads. @rdpulfer When you say the ending feels abrupt...You'll actually see a: # and then the story carry on from P's POV right afer. I'm curious about the POV shift near the end. I needed ot have that bit between Landon and the solider, and don't know if I need to break the scene more formally to do it. @kais regarding adjectives. In the course I just finished up wiht David Farland, he told me to target one adjective for every two nouns. Does this seem ecessive? Perhapds my counting is poor. It is hard for me target these issues with one concrete example where you find it heavy. Ah the numerals...I get my computer to read my chapters out to me...and of course it reads 3rd like third...Need to remember that. @Robinski “a Holy Knight and intermediary between the people, the Empire and the army” – there’s no mention of the bishop here. Isn’t he the intermediary between the bishop and something? In this world the Clergy is the Empire. But I probably need to bring that out better. @rdpulfer I can't really see sprites damning anyone. You might need a better action word for a sprites' curse.(unless you meant spirits all along, which makes a bit more sense). Good point. I was playing with some in world curses and this one doesn't work. @Mandamon pg 3: "Landon wasted no time"--you suddenly change from "his uncle" to "Landon" here, and don't introduce his name. Good catch. Thanks to everyone for your help this week. A bit curious now. What fantasy authors do you four read?

Page 1 I touched one, pressing it into M’s skin and running along the [MJ1] length until it sprang back into place. [MJ1]it’s length Just oblong lumps[MJ1] . Show me yours.” [MJ1]How many people their age use the word ‘oblong’? “I don’t care if they ever come,” I declared, far more confidently than I felt[MJ1] . [MJ1]Reads stronger if you stop at declared. Page 2 “Naw.” M flopped onto her back, onto a pile of silk pillows[MJ1] . [MJ1]Two ‘onto’ in one sentence. Perhaps…onto her back, and rested on a pair of silk pillows. I knew exactly what parts she was talking about, and they were parts that were making me increasingly uncomfortable as I got older[MJ1] . [MJ1]Doesn’t read as though it’s your character’s voice. “But the night before she escaped, and she[MJ1] went onto the glacier, alone [MJ1]Is this line of dialogue supposed to read like this? This interlude left me wondering why you wrote it. I decided it was to reveal the history of the kingdom/world and show a growing discomfort with your character’s body. Considering this, okay. It works but it is not as poignant as the first one you wrote which seemed to be alive and integral to the story. Page 4 Mother stepped past me without speaking, into the forest. [MJ1] [MJ1]Interesting phraising. “Mother!” I called out after her. I hadn’t seen M in weeks. I was always one chore away[MJ1] , it seemed, from her, or the palace, or any other friends I had managed to cultivate in T proper. [MJ1]Perhaps: It seemed like there was always one more chore ‘that I had to do’ before I could see M, the palace or any other friends, and I could never get it all done. I sank, deflated, onto my knees, as the wind tossed the strands of my recently cut, short black hair[MJ1] . [MJ1]Syntax feels clunky. Page 5 Tossed the strands of black hair, which I’d just cut short. She couldn’t keep me busy forever[MJ1] . [MJ1]I liked this interlude. It reveals why S and M’s relationship began to fade, and hints at why S’s mom did it. Short, sweet, and effective. Page 6 “Who are you?” a boy with the same curly black hair as me asked. His hair was the same length as mine, too, since I’d just cut it[MJ1] [MJ1]A boy with the same short curly black hair as me asked. Page 8 Someone tried to help me up but I stayed limp, preferring to watch blood drip from my arms onto the dusty mix of dirt and woodchips than say those words again[MJ1] . [MJ1]Why would S need to save the words again…Is it implied the is bully demanding it? This one worked for me again. It builds the world, and the character, and develops some reader sympathy. Overall I think these interludes are a great idea. I'm glad you've decided to sprinkle them throughout.

In an effort to build character and get to the point quicker, I decided to give this initial chapter a new go. Had to break it up. Here is part 1. Looking for anything you notice or feel I need to hear. Thank you, Matt

Going to jump out on a limb, and appologize later if I need to.

Thank you @Robinski. I found your coments insightful. Thanks as well to @kais, @industrialistDragon, @rdpulfer, @Mandamon, @Gustaf Taen. Your combined comments give me direction to what I need to go do. Got some work to do...

If I may?

[MJ1]I think you could cut these two [MJ2]Does this sentence work grammatically? Maybe you need to indicate he is guessing. You use the words ‘no doubt’ and then say he is not using the one method that would ensure there would be no doubt. [MJ1]Is this a conscious for ‘Voice’? If you are worried about word count, you could shorten it. Name/Title inspected his hand: Wrinkled but not yet liver-spotted. [MJ1]unecessary [MJ1]I see the change you make, but I think this line is missing some of its punch. She’d never been afraid like so many of the doe-eyed women who’d been intimidated by his imposing appearance… [MJ1]I’d cut ‘too’ [MJ1]Adding ‘he’d’ might make it clearer. [MJ1]scars of her life before him. [MJ1]slanted from an old break [MJ1]You should rephrase this or cut it. [MJ1]This line doesn’t work for me. [MJ1]This is a powerful line. Could you slip in a hint that he’s forgotten some of their past too? [MJ1]This could be a hint that she’d noticed his memory loss in small moments already. [MJ1]I think you can find a more powerful line here. [MJ1]Nailed it. This ending is better than the last one. I like this story. There are few places I mentioned where you can improve the impact of the lines, but all in all I enjoy it. I appreciate how your M/C loves his wife, but he reveals his flaws in the way he thinks. His overall reaction is surprise that his wife cut the Gordian Knot when she has a history of doggedly working to protect the quality of her life. I think you portray the flaws in their culture through the M/C and reveal a truth. Based on the presence of other women in a place where it seems they don’t frequent, I ‘m left wondering if others have tried other, but similar tricks to what these two are trying.

I started university at 17. Over half a lifetime ago. I can't say I had all my priorites aligned properly back then. I did enough to maintain a ensure I could get into my program (3.4 GPA) ' and didn't much care about doing more than that. I've also learned and changed a lot sincce then.

Thanks to everone that read and responded this week. Especially @Robinski, @industrialistDragon, @kais, @rdpulfer and someone named (P) who e-mailed me from the mailist. I'll figuring this out. I appreciate your support and thoughtful suggestions!

I'm working through a bit of a plateau and I appreciate your support and patience. I tried to harness everyone's feedback and retackled this chapter. Recap form the previous chapters After rescuing a young brother and sister from the Raiders, L found his nephew and apprentice (P) unconcious. Some of the briggands were killed, but many escaped. After returning home to get pached up, L gets into an argument with his wife, and then with Petro's father about (P's) Safety. In this chapter L is rustrated by these interactons and his innability to solve the mystery of the raiders. He goes to see the Sue-Vicar Bolar to report on his mission and to request special permision so that (P) can wield a weapon of his own.

Can I resubmit a new version of what I shared last week?

I enjoyed reading this chapter. I think the interlude words. It added a lot of context and increased the tension when the heir entered the scene. I flowed into the scene. There wasn't a lot here that didn't work for me. I've made a few suggestions below.

Thank you @rdpulfer and @kais. Kais, i finished my critique on your chapter tonight, but it's still in word format. I'll post it here tomorrow. Kais, I'm trying to figure out how to balance the feedback saying I have too much fat with my needs to worldbuild and introuduce imporant plot elements and settings. I'm trying to establish the locations that are goign to pop up over and over in the book. In future chapters where the action is quicker, I dont' want to take time to remind the reader what these places look like. I'm also trying to slip in the appearnce of secondary characters early so that I don't pull them out of a hat when they do something important later on. In this chapter I included a few setting elements in this chapter that are important to the plot in book 2. When you say you are only interested at P. 16 and I go back and see that it focuses on P and his training, I'm stumped. This story isn't only about P. He is one of two main protagonists, but 1/3 of the book won't discuss him or be about him at all. This story is a trilogy and book one has 14 pov characters. It's a big fat fantasy. I don't see that changing in the rewrite. Although the first draft is 340,000 words, I hope to take the scond one to the 275 000 mark. I want ot make the story as interesting as possible, but it is a story that builds momentum as it goes and I don't know how to reconcile this. I'm a bit perplexed right now.

I considered the feedback I received in my last two submissions and reordered my chapters. I hope this one will answer some of the questions that 'Kitchen Duty' raised. I tried keep to the necessities. I am seekign any feedback you feel will help. Thank you! Since it's been a while, this is the chapter that preceded this one. After rescuing a young brother and sister (changed from a sixteen year old girl) from the Raiders, L found his nephew and apprentice (P) unconcious. Some of the briggands were killed, but many escaped. After returning home to get pached up, L gets into an argument with his wife, and then with Petro's father, (M). [Since submitting the this chapter, I've changed (P's) age to 15 bordering on 16. In this chapter L is rustrated by these interactons and his innability to solve the mystery of the raiders. He goes to see the Vicar to report on his mission only to discover new problems and a complication.

If there is room, I'd like to submit. I took advice, and reworked the next chapter of my re-write completely and want to read what you all think.