Coop

Hey Eagle, Overall, I think I'm 50/50 on this piece. I liked the ink painting magic. (Just checking, is this similar to Sanderson's magic system in Rithmatist? I haven't read it yet; it's on my list.) I like the idea that the characters' identities are hidden behind masks; I'm hoping that will create some interesting situations for the characters. I also liked how the prologue jumped right into the scene and didn't drag. I struggled sometimes with your phrasing. Examples: - "dividing the corridor into two pieces" - maybe it's the word "pieces" that made this read awkwardly. - "A large turtle whose creator had chosen to depict in an unlikely purple told the man to follow" - that's a mouthful - "the desire for secrecy of the person he was about to meet" - awkward - I can't imagine "a stuttering breath" exactly - "His hand cramped shut" - clamped, probably Ultimately, I know that a character has enlisted a priest(ess) to do some bad things to another character--all this is good--but I don't know much about these characters' situations and motives to be invested at this point. I think if I had some more clues about the conflict between the MC and Burrus Clupean then I would be a lot more into this. This definitely holds promise for me and I like some of the elements of this world you have introduced. I'd like to keep reading this.

Hello all, I've always tried to keep the word count well below 5000, but I felt that the last chapter in this submission needed to be included, so this submission is a tad longer than usual. ALSO, I've been going back through the story and trying to de-brat Sira a little, and make her feelings toward Grandpa more about trauma, avoidance, and guilt rather than anger and disgust, but I didn't do that yet in a key scene here (you'll know the one). I sat down a couple times this week to write it but couldn't quite get what I wanted. So, warning, this contains the original, brattier version of that dialogue. Thanks for reading! Synopsis to this point: Sira is a 12-year-old girl who finds a golden-colored costume in an underground room in the woods. Eventually she figures out that this is a cloudsuit with the ability to solidify clouds. Grappling hook-like devices that she calls “triangulators” enable her to ascend into the clouds. She has been pursued by a male figure dressed in a red cloudsuit. At times he appears harmful; at least once he saved her life. All of this is happening while Sira is stuck on her grandfather’s farm for the summer while her mother is overseas. Grandpa’s seriously disfigured appearance was the source of significant trauma for her as a young child, and she has been unable to overcome these negative feelings for him. In the two preceding submissions, Sira traps the young adult man in the red suit. He explains that he is her second cousin, home from college for the summer. He introduces her to a set of cloud-walking robots called sibinauts and tells her they will be having war games.

I would like to submit on the 31st.

Here's the next part. Thanks for reading! Synopsis to this point: Sira is a 12-year-old girl who finds a golden-colored costume in an underground room in the woods. Eventually she figures out that this is a cloudsuit with the ability to solidify clouds. Grappling hook-like devices that she calls “triangulators” enable her to ascend into the clouds. She has been pursued by a male figure dressed in a red cloudsuit. At times he appears harmful; at least once he saved her life. All of this is happening while Sira is stuck on her grandfather’s farm for the summer while her mother is overseas. Grandpa’s seriously disfigured appearance was the source of significant trauma for her as a young child, and she has been unable to overcome these negative feelings for him. In the preceding submission, Sira traps the young adult man in the red suit. He explains that he is her second cousin, home from college for the summer.

I would like to submit on the 17th.

Hey Hobbit, I thought this was a well done piece. I liked the voice quite a bit. You picked plenty of good words to fit the style and atmosphere of the story. Nice work. Here are a few things that came up as I read: - The line on the first page that starts with "The brain doesn't store..." seemed out of place--sounded infomercially. - I had a hard time imagining a person with a voice that always sounds out of breath. It's an interesting description, but I just can't really place it. - Dragon is so apathetic about the conversation that I began to disbelieve that Clara would actually stick with it that long. Staying in that one-sided conversation while he is deliberately putting her off at times is a desperate move on her part, but her personality and voice didn't strike me as desperate. These two things didn't match, and I would need a little more to believe that she wouldn't just walk out on him halfway through the story. - Toward the end, I thought her reaction to his display of omniscience ("Your mom doesn't like him - she keeps calling you...") wasn't strong enough. She gapes at him momentarily and seems to quickly move on.

@kaisa @Hobbit @Mandamon @Ernei @Robinski @krystalynn03 Big thanks to those who have commented so far! Each time I've submitted I've had the same enlightening experience: once the last couple critiques come in, suddenly all of the critiques seem to round out and pull together and tell me just what I need to do in revisions. P.S. Certain issues have been raised in this submission and previous submissions. Just so you know, I haven't directly responded to these because I want to see how the story stands on its own without my outside commentary influencing the way you are reading it. In other words, please don't take my silence to mean that the things you bring up aren't extremely valuable to me! I will definitely have some follow-up questions for you as this story gets a bit farther down the road.

Hey Vreeah, I remember liking your first entry in this story, so I decided to get around to this second part now, even though it's super late. I ended up using your doc and making comments throughout, and I replied to your original email with that as an attachment. I enjoy this world and your style a lot. And I'm finding that the characters have some interesting things about them too, so I'm looking forward to seeing more of this piece.

Hey Hobbit, I'm way late on this one so I'll try not to repeat what others have said, though I'll mention that I agree with a lot that has been said. Here are a couple other thoughts. It might help to know more about what kind of person Selnest is in their society. For example, is he is a highly-respected member of their society, or perhaps a mentor to one or more of the boys? Is he a hot-tempered drunkard? Knowing his relation to the boys (or his position in the society) would help me understand their reactions better, and also help bring me in more as a reader. As it stands, I only know that a guy did some bad things, and this carries the same limited weight as the multitude of bad doings that occur nightly on the local news. Also, is this a town like Hobbiton where people are unaccustomed to things like this happening, because I'm wondering why everyone in town seems to be up in arms about it? (Not that people shouldn't be up in arms, but I'm used to fiction where this kind of stuff is commonplace.) My other thoughts have been mentioned by others, so I'll finish by saying that I enjoy your clean, easy prose in this story. For the most part, it makes reading effortless. Looking forward to your next submission!

Hey all, thanks for reading! Synopsis to this point: Sira is a 12-year-old girl who finds a golden-colored costume in an underground room in the woods. Eventually she figures out that this is a cloudsuit with the ability to solidify clouds. Grappling hook-like devices that she calls “triangulators” enable her to ascend into the clouds. She has been pursued by a male figure dressed in a red cloudsuit. At times he appears harmful; at least once he saved her life. All of this is happening while Sira is stuck on her grandfather’s farm for the summer while her mother is overseas. Grandpa’s seriously disfigured appearance was the source of significant trauma for her as a young child, and she has been unable to overcome these negative feelings for him.

I remember reading your intro to dryads and to Scrios a few months ago, and I liked this version better. The setting was more immersive this time. I like the dryads, but I thought the tone of that scene did not match the rest of the story--like inserting the trolls from Frozen into a Lord of the Rings movie. I didn't have a problem with the introduction of a dragon at this point in the story. I didn't really get a sense of how big he was though. I've seen large redwoods before, and a dragon coming out of one wouldn't be that big. Sequoias are typically fatter than redwoods, and might hold a larger dragon but I'm going to stop right here because my limited forestry knowledge has already been exposed by our more knowledgeable Forest Nerd in residence ( @kaisa ). Finally, I generally enjoy your prose, though your dialogue often sounds canned. I don't see others mentioning this so maybe it's just me...

Hey Robinski, I enjoyed your writing as usual, and I liked seeing what you could do with ten different voices approaching the same topic. Nice work. How big a part of your plot is this gee-whiz going to be? One concern I had was that--if the androids are meant to be a key element of the plot--I wasn't picking up on a lot of central conflict/theme type stuff that was really drawing me in. For example, some of the characters definitely had issues with this new technology, but I wasn't picking up on serious, plot-driving threats being presented to these characters. With ten voices, I expected myself to think at some point, "Wow, that IS an interesting implication for android-human relations! I wonder what the characters are going to do about that!" These also seemed like some of the usual issues with androids--e.g., replacement of human workers--and so I'm curious what spin you are going to put on these. But, maybe these ten voices are just to present the status quo, and the threat is coming. Or maybe I missed something? I'm liking these vignettes, which makes me excited to see what you can do with a story!

Oops, btw, big shout out to those who took the time for this submission! @kaisa @Hobbit @Ernei @Robinski @krystalynn03 Each week I put all your comments into a big file and start working through them systematically, picking things that need revision. You have been incredibly helpful!

I would like to submit on Oct. 3rd. Thanks

I don't remember... Seems like I heard it from somewhere.

I like this thread! One writing exercise I've found very helpful is to take passages from my favorite books and then write them out, word for word, in a separate Word doc. My favorite short story, for example, is " 'Repent, Harlequin!' Said the Ticktockman." And when I write things like this out, I start to get a feel for what it might have been like to write the story, and start to get a better sense for all the little choices the author made in word usage, approaches to characterizations, blocking, etc. Getting in authors' shoes like this helps me to think like other writers and expand my own style.

@krystalynn03 is a major champ for slogging through that book! Thank you very much!

I was late getting around to this story but I'm really glad I picked it up anyway. I really enjoyed this! The first line hooked me and I was hooked all the way through--even blowing well past the end of my lunch break in order to finish it. I thought the writing was very good--very tight. For some reason the writing kept reminding me of classic science fiction of the '50s and '60s. You did a great job of gradually feeding the reader clues/information, and working these naturally into the narrative. Did you leave too many clues? Do other readers guess your reveal? You left some pretty big clues--particularly the 30-day cycle--and I've been telling myself "I'm just having an off day" as a way of consoling myself for not guessing the big mystery. Honestly, it was a minor disappointment that it was "another werewolf" story, but I don't think that took much away from my enjoyment of it, and I don't know that there is a better way to do it. The part with the mirror and the transition of his thoughts from human to animal was excellent. page 4: "pushes his cart" instead of "pushed" Great dialogue. I loved some of your little touches, like the line "Siodmak tells me." instead of writing, "You're a werewolf," or whatever. Thanks for the great read!

Hey everyone, thanks for reading! Synopsis to this point: Sira is a 12-year-old girl who finds an unusual path of moss in a forest. At the end of the path she discovers an underground chamber that contains a chest full of colorful costumes and strange bronze objects. She takes the golden-colored costume and leaves. She reluctantly returns that night to her grandfather’s farmhouse where she is staying for the summer while her mother is overseas. She doesn’t like anything about being there, most particularly her grandfather, whose seriously disfigured appearance was the source of trauma for her as a young child. She tries out the equipment on the golden costume but can’t figure out what it’s for. She is back inside the underground room when the only door suddenly shuts her in and she sees a flash of red pass outside. She is relieved to find the door unlocked and hurries away. Days later, Sira is startled by a figure in red who chases her through the woods. In attempt to escape, she triggers one of the devices on the costume and it sends an anchor into the sky and solidifies a cloud, dragging Sira up to it. She manages to get back down to the earth, but not before falling a short distance and being caught by the same figure in red.

I thought this was a strong chapter, a noticeable improvement on your original version. Most importantly, I thought that you established Atena's character and emotional situation well and, as a reader, I am interested in knowing where things go next for her. One thing to watch out for is making sure "the man behind the curtain" is well concealed. For example, when the poor child on the street showed up, my initial thought was, "Ah yes, the author wants me to see that Atena is compassionate and in touch with those of poorer circumstances." I had a similar reaction to her post-traumatic episode at the end of the chapter. Nice work!

I'd like to submit on the 19th.

Hey Vreeah, just wanted to mention that I read your submission the other night and didn't get a chance to post my reaction at the time. Honestly, I don't have much more to add here. I'm with a lot of folks who've posted already, that I enjoyed these chapters and want to see more. I liked it from start to finish, I think. It is a great introduction to this world and I am interested in seeing what kind of plot you're going to bring in and how the characters grow on me. After the big battle of baby dreams in chapter 1, the title of chapter 2 made me laugh out loud. Loved it.

@Ernei @kaisa @Mandamon @Vreeah @Hobbit @Robinski Just wanted to send a big thank you to those of you who read and critiqued these chapters. It has been extremely eye-opening and informative to hear your reactions. Thank you all!

This chapter speaks to the teenaged boy in me: quick pace, plenty of action, cool descriptions of your nightspawn fodder, and equally cool settings. When I'm in the mood for popcorn entertainment, this is the kind of thing that fills that need. You may not bring in too many from the literary crowd with this, but I think you'll attract plenty of the sword & sorcery types. Sure, I didn't think your characters had tons of depth, but because of the brisk pace of their conversations it didn't really faze me. P.S. In my opinion, the depth thing is only a criticism if depth is what you're going for; I recently read a couple really good Drizzt novels which were filled with characters similar to those I'm finding in your story. I will say though, Silvanus seemed so much a caricature that I started imagining Snidely Whiplash. I'd dial him back a little. I was also fine going into this short battle scene without knowing too much about what the stakes were because I was expecting to have those dropped on me at the end of the battle. However, I believe this is the third time I've read one of your battles and kept expecting for some serious ramifications to suddenly present themselves, and then they didn't. I suppose the interchange with the remembrancer after the battle was the ramification, but I was underwhelmed by this. My thought was, "Is that it? Is that where we're going with this story?" I also liked the "conducive to film" line, but that was simply humorous to me, not enough in terms of stakes to get me really invested. The limits of aspect energy are not clear to me at all. Often, I'm figuring Atena is fighting with her sword simply because she's out of magic, then suddenly she unleashes something wildly destructive and I wonder why she didn't just do that from the start. I liked the elements of the void you retained from your prologue a couple months ago. I liked the idea of seed-like particles of aspect energy--very cool. Nice story. Thanks for the read.

Hey Robinski, I really enjoyed the android story--easily my favorite. I found the android's situation and personality very interesting. I'd like to read more about him. In the second snippet, your fascinating Quirk character wasn't as recognizable. (Except for your "Sunday smile" line--great line!) As a character, he seemed to be having an off day, maybe a headache. I remember being a little turned off by Moth the first time I read her, but now that I've read three pieces, I'm starting to like her better. Maybe that's because I think I "get" her now; I've decided as a reader that her attitude is a cover for some bad experiences in her life, and that she'll come around in the end. That's my hope, at least.