Coop

Hey Eagle, Overall, I think I'm 50/50 on this piece. I liked the ink painting magic. (Just checking, is this similar to Sanderson's magic system in Rithmatist? I haven't read it yet; it's on my list.) I like the idea that the characters' identities are hidden behind masks; I'm hoping that will create some interesting situations for the characters. I also liked how the prologue jumped right into the scene and didn't drag. I struggled sometimes with your phrasing. Examples: - "dividing the corridor into two pieces" - maybe it's the word "pieces" that made this read awkwardly. - "A large turtle whose creator had chosen to depict in an unlikely purple told the man to follow" - that's a mouthful - "the desire for secrecy of the person he was about to meet" - awkward - I can't imagine "a stuttering breath" exactly - "His hand cramped shut" - clamped, probably Ultimately, I know that a character has enlisted a priest(ess) to do some bad things to another character--all this is good--but I don't know much about these characters' situations and motives to be invested at this point. I think if I had some more clues about the conflict between the MC and Burrus Clupean then I would be a lot more into this. This definitely holds promise for me and I like some of the elements of this world you have introduced. I'd like to keep reading this.

Hello all, I've always tried to keep the word count well below 5000, but I felt that the last chapter in this submission needed to be included, so this submission is a tad longer than usual. ALSO, I've been going back through the story and trying to de-brat Sira a little, and make her feelings toward Grandpa more about trauma, avoidance, and guilt rather than anger and disgust, but I didn't do that yet in a key scene here (you'll know the one). I sat down a couple times this week to write it but couldn't quite get what I wanted. So, warning, this contains the original, brattier version of that dialogue. Thanks for reading! Synopsis to this point: Sira is a 12-year-old girl who finds a golden-colored costume in an underground room in the woods. Eventually she figures out that this is a cloudsuit with the ability to solidify clouds. Grappling hook-like devices that she calls “triangulators” enable her to ascend into the clouds. She has been pursued by a male figure dressed in a red cloudsuit. At times he appears harmful; at least once he saved her life. All of this is happening while Sira is stuck on her grandfather’s farm for the summer while her mother is overseas. Grandpa’s seriously disfigured appearance was the source of significant trauma for her as a young child, and she has been unable to overcome these negative feelings for him. In the two preceding submissions, Sira traps the young adult man in the red suit. He explains that he is her second cousin, home from college for the summer. He introduces her to a set of cloud-walking robots called sibinauts and tells her they will be having war games.

I would like to submit on the 31st.

Here's the next part. Thanks for reading! Synopsis to this point: Sira is a 12-year-old girl who finds a golden-colored costume in an underground room in the woods. Eventually she figures out that this is a cloudsuit with the ability to solidify clouds. Grappling hook-like devices that she calls “triangulators” enable her to ascend into the clouds. She has been pursued by a male figure dressed in a red cloudsuit. At times he appears harmful; at least once he saved her life. All of this is happening while Sira is stuck on her grandfather’s farm for the summer while her mother is overseas. Grandpa’s seriously disfigured appearance was the source of significant trauma for her as a young child, and she has been unable to overcome these negative feelings for him. In the preceding submission, Sira traps the young adult man in the red suit. He explains that he is her second cousin, home from college for the summer.

I would like to submit on the 17th.

Hey Hobbit, I thought this was a well done piece. I liked the voice quite a bit. You picked plenty of good words to fit the style and atmosphere of the story. Nice work. Here are a few things that came up as I read: - The line on the first page that starts with "The brain doesn't store..." seemed out of place--sounded infomercially. - I had a hard time imagining a person with a voice that always sounds out of breath. It's an interesting description, but I just can't really place it. - Dragon is so apathetic about the conversation that I began to disbelieve that Clara would actually stick with it that long. Staying in that one-sided conversation while he is deliberately putting her off at times is a desperate move on her part, but her personality and voice didn't strike me as desperate. These two things didn't match, and I would need a little more to believe that she wouldn't just walk out on him halfway through the story. - Toward the end, I thought her reaction to his display of omniscience ("Your mom doesn't like him - she keeps calling you...") wasn't strong enough. She gapes at him momentarily and seems to quickly move on.

@kaisa @Hobbit @Mandamon @Ernei @Robinski @krystalynn03 Big thanks to those who have commented so far! Each time I've submitted I've had the same enlightening experience: once the last couple critiques come in, suddenly all of the critiques seem to round out and pull together and tell me just what I need to do in revisions. P.S. Certain issues have been raised in this submission and previous submissions. Just so you know, I haven't directly responded to these because I want to see how the story stands on its own without my outside commentary influencing the way you are reading it. In other words, please don't take my silence to mean that the things you bring up aren't extremely valuable to me! I will definitely have some follow-up questions for you as this story gets a bit farther down the road.

Hey Vreeah, I remember liking your first entry in this story, so I decided to get around to this second part now, even though it's super late. I ended up using your doc and making comments throughout, and I replied to your original email with that as an attachment. I enjoy this world and your style a lot. And I'm finding that the characters have some interesting things about them too, so I'm looking forward to seeing more of this piece.

Hey Hobbit, I'm way late on this one so I'll try not to repeat what others have said, though I'll mention that I agree with a lot that has been said. Here are a couple other thoughts. It might help to know more about what kind of person Selnest is in their society. For example, is he is a highly-respected member of their society, or perhaps a mentor to one or more of the boys? Is he a hot-tempered drunkard? Knowing his relation to the boys (or his position in the society) would help me understand their reactions better, and also help bring me in more as a reader. As it stands, I only know that a guy did some bad things, and this carries the same limited weight as the multitude of bad doings that occur nightly on the local news. Also, is this a town like Hobbiton where people are unaccustomed to things like this happening, because I'm wondering why everyone in town seems to be up in arms about it? (Not that people shouldn't be up in arms, but I'm used to fiction where this kind of stuff is commonplace.) My other thoughts have been mentioned by others, so I'll finish by saying that I enjoy your clean, easy prose in this story. For the most part, it makes reading effortless. Looking forward to your next submission!

Hey all, thanks for reading! Synopsis to this point: Sira is a 12-year-old girl who finds a golden-colored costume in an underground room in the woods. Eventually she figures out that this is a cloudsuit with the ability to solidify clouds. Grappling hook-like devices that she calls “triangulators” enable her to ascend into the clouds. She has been pursued by a male figure dressed in a red cloudsuit. At times he appears harmful; at least once he saved her life. All of this is happening while Sira is stuck on her grandfather’s farm for the summer while her mother is overseas. Grandpa’s seriously disfigured appearance was the source of significant trauma for her as a young child, and she has been unable to overcome these negative feelings for him.

I remember reading your intro to dryads and to Scrios a few months ago, and I liked this version better. The setting was more immersive this time. I like the dryads, but I thought the tone of that scene did not match the rest of the story--like inserting the trolls from Frozen into a Lord of the Rings movie. I didn't have a problem with the introduction of a dragon at this point in the story. I didn't really get a sense of how big he was though. I've seen large redwoods before, and a dragon coming out of one wouldn't be that big. Sequoias are typically fatter than redwoods, and might hold a larger dragon but I'm going to stop right here because my limited forestry knowledge has already been exposed by our more knowledgeable Forest Nerd in residence ( @kaisa ). Finally, I generally enjoy your prose, though your dialogue often sounds canned. I don't see others mentioning this so maybe it's just me...

Hey Robinski, I enjoyed your writing as usual, and I liked seeing what you could do with ten different voices approaching the same topic. Nice work. How big a part of your plot is this gee-whiz going to be? One concern I had was that--if the androids are meant to be a key element of the plot--I wasn't picking up on a lot of central conflict/theme type stuff that was really drawing me in. For example, some of the characters definitely had issues with this new technology, but I wasn't picking up on serious, plot-driving threats being presented to these characters. With ten voices, I expected myself to think at some point, "Wow, that IS an interesting implication for android-human relations! I wonder what the characters are going to do about that!" These also seemed like some of the usual issues with androids--e.g., replacement of human workers--and so I'm curious what spin you are going to put on these. But, maybe these ten voices are just to present the status quo, and the threat is coming. Or maybe I missed something? I'm liking these vignettes, which makes me excited to see what you can do with a story!

Oops, btw, big shout out to those who took the time for this submission! @kaisa @Hobbit @Ernei @Robinski @krystalynn03 Each week I put all your comments into a big file and start working through them systematically, picking things that need revision. You have been incredibly helpful!

I would like to submit on Oct. 3rd. Thanks

I don't remember... Seems like I heard it from somewhere.