Zay Wolfe

I agree 100%.

I'm so happy you enjoyed it! And yeah, I'm totally aware of the gender unbalance, and I've got plans to fix it. In its current state though, I got a really neat character coming that I'm trying hard to buck typical gender tropes with. She's going to be a kickass female character that doesn't just exist to be a love interest or to build up our main dude R. If you can stick around until she enters the story, I'd love help with any points you have with her character. It's going to be tough doing it from the perspective of a hormone crazy teenage boy, and I know it.

I think I'm going to skip this week and just spend time catching up on everyone's submissions.

Again I'm sorry for my business. Home hunting and moving has been consuming most of my time along with my 3 boys. It's been difficult to find something in our price range that's still livable. Things should settle down by the end of this next month when we can finally move. @Mandamon I definitely need to go back over some of the dialogue, particularly A's. I think it's because his dialogue is so important to the plot, especially in the longer sections, and I've condensed it too much. "--But A's treated him before, right? I didn't get a feeling of their relationship changing last chapter, but maybe I missed something." I think this is because I spent too much time in the first chapter doing exposition that I failed to show the characters before the main events happen. It's clear to me the writer, but it's not framed right in the story. Really, the previous chapter is the first time you see them really interact, so that's a mistake on my part. I think just fixing the 1st chapter and showing their relationship before the inciting incident will fix a majority of issues. "--Pine trees will grow just about anywhere, and like acidic soil. " I don't really feel like that's fair. While they like mildly acidic soil of 5.5ph, if the whole continent is bare of plant life it should suggest itself that the ph has fallen much lower than that. Maybe to the typical 3.5-4ph buffer zone. The idea was that excessive acid rain has stripped the soil of alkali to a disastrous level. But, I don't think R actually knows much about how the process happened, so I think it's out of character of him to start disusing the complex issue of soil acidification and its effects. If it's confusing maybe I can pull back on the destruction and make pine trees one of the few surviving plant life. @Robinski - "I found some nice hydroponic ones at the store. I can definitely see what your saying. They get most of the shopping done off island by crossing bridges to the mainland, maybe I can work this into the story earlier. "- There's a lot of talk about foreign this and that. I'm trying to decide how it sits." I agree, but I couldn't really think of a better word. I tried to word it as "foreign sounding" to not outright say it's foreign, but it's probably too little. If you have a better way of wording it, I would love suggestions. Mostly, I wanted to hang a lantern on his use of his parent's language to better show the positive change in his character without just telling it. If you have any suggestions here at all please don't hold back. "- Hmm. I'm not sure what the LotR reference brings to the story. I doesn't seem to serve any purpose. I don't get it." I think I was trying to show how R desires to see nature. It helps later on to explain some of his choices. But maybe it is out of place. Do you think there's a better way to work it in? I'm sorry if I can't reply to every point. All feedback is going to be used. I'm actually linking to these threads right in the chapters so when I do the next revision I can come back and re-read all this. I really appreciate all the work you're doing for the story.

I appreciate that! I haven't made any significant changes yet, I'm still focused on just finishing the stories but linking to the feedback here to each scene. That way when I finish the book I can go back and re-read all this with a fresh perspective. I've been a bit busy lately so I may be late replying. But even if it takes a while, I'm totally thankful for your interest in helping me beat this story into shape

Content Warning: Language Believe it or not, there's no gore or violence in this submission, just language. Feels weird lol I hope you guys like it. I don't specifically have something I'm worried about this time. Just hoping it flows well and is enjoyable. Thanks a lot Zaya Previously: Ronen is a scavenger of thrown away electronics and lives on Trash Island. He found a mysterious trunk that was taken from him by Toad and Wart. They got into a fight and they hurt his leg pretty bad. [Also] Sorry about the botched subject line. It's the result of hours of revision and submitting at 2am X(

If there's room left, I have a chapter ready.

That makes a lot of sense now. I think what happened is when I cut stuff I might of condensed it too much and stuck too much to the facts. Maybe it could use less facts and more experience. Thanks that helps a lot. And thanks for the words on criticism; I'm not really used to getting it. I watched Sanderson's writing lectures and that's helped me prepare, but it's still unnerving for me. But, it's a been a real cool experience, overall.

@RobinskiHmmm... you've given me a lot to think about. The thing is, is that the scene is pretty important for Adham's character arc in the later chapters. Though the action is definitely an important part of the story, the story I enjoy most is the development of the characters and their internal changes. If I may, can I explain some of the things I was trying to accomplish and get some feedback on how I could do it better? I don't want to defend myself, I just want to prod for some more of that tasty feedback 1: I put the background story in for two reasons. (a) To show A.'s starting point in the story mentally. He's broken through a hard life and bad experiences leading up to this point and has a need for companionship and offloading of his baggage. And (b), I was worried that I might upset Muslim readers if I have a Muslim alcoholic without clearly showing the reasons for him drinking. Do you think it can be condensed without breaking (a) and (b)? 2: I was hoping to actually deflate some of the tension with this scene. So I can lead up to the tension picking back up later which is a big, highly tense 2-3 scenes. Do you think I did it too much? Believe it or not, but I actually cut out like 500 words from the A.'s story haha. Maybe I'm just getting jittery after already cutting so much. And I'd be honoured if you line edited the final piece. I definitely want to try to shop this around since I really like the premise. If I can get the story beaten into shape the premise alone will be worth it. BTW I'm working on your story. I had trouble opening the docx file and I just found a way to convert it to PDF so I can read it. Maybe I should just bite the bullet and install Office through wine. @Mandamon I see what you're getting at. Maybe if I just focus on R.'s reactions without showing the gruesome details it'll pack more of a punch. Kinda like how horror movies show the reaction to the monster instead of the monster for a better effect.

@Robinski Thanks for the wonderful feedback. Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. I'm finding I have almost no time lately, and the little time I get I use to write. This feedback is really golden by the way. And thanks for the heads up on Wort's Wart's name. I remember questioning the right spelling as I was writing it but I was on a run and then forgot to google it. And you pegged it that T&W aren't the big baddies, but I also don't want people to get too connected with them if you get my drift.

@Mandamon Thanks for the comments and the list of lines that didn't click. Though I'm kind of partial to the "dragging the face" joke. It's because he's "got too little wit and too big a mouth", causing an imbalance of weight and making him drag his face on the ground. Idk haha. Maybe it seemed more obvious in the moment. Perhaps I can set it up more clearly. "All the way down. Hurry now, I'm hungry." --Good catch. Taken out of context I can definitely see a problem here. I originally had more describing his reactions and the act of the stitching, but I was worried it would be too tough to read and cut it. I remember one experience I had in school where a student was doing a presentation on a simple and pretty innocent procedure to fix carpel tunnel syndrome. The descriptions made a girl in the class collapse and fall on the floor, hitting her head pretty bad in the process. Because of that I guess I'm a bit gun shy with gore. So serious question, how much more descriptive do you think it I should take it without going too far? What kind of reactions from R. did you expect to see but didn't find?

Content Warning: Violence, Language, Alcohol, and Gore Alright guys here it is. I honestly hope you like it. I spent all week editing to get it ready and I can honestly say I no longer can tell if it's good or not lol. I'm concerned about some of the phrasing I use and if you have any suggestions for alternative ways to word things I'd greatly appreciate it. It takes a momentary dark turn here and one of the scenes in particular has been the toughest that I've ever written. After last week's feedback, I tried to take it all and apply it to this next chapter. I hope it shows. Thanks again Zaya

I can submit again if there's room. This next chapter has been a pain and one scene in particular I've been editing non-stop the whole week

Thanks for the vote of confidence. But I should warn you that this is very different from my other writing. It definitely has too much exposition and I've got some ideas to fix it. But if you can get through it, I hope you can enjoy yourself. Although, I should be apologizing myself; I've been looking forward to read your work since I've come back. It turns out that buying a first house is a crazy and stressful process. Likewise I hope to give you my comments today or tomorrow I'm surprised you remember me. Likewise, I remember your comments and wanted to thank you for the encouragement you showed me!

@ICanDream, @Mandamon, @Asmodemon I wanted to say sorry it took so long to reply. Seems like whenever I put my mind to something life gets busy. Thank you so much for your input, I'll take everything you all said into account. It's simultaneously what I feared most and what I hoped haha. I think deep down I knew it was way too much exposition (it's just so damnation fun to write), and I'm really thankful that you powered through it and enjoyed the story afterwards. Thanks for giving me the kick I needed to start cutting. I think I'll start with the character and have some action while working in bits and pieces about the setting. @Asmodemon, you're absolutely on point about the character only being introduced on the 3rd page. Now that you mention it, it's completely obvious that I have a problem. I guess I was too close to even notice. I got it in my head that I might be able to break the rules and do exposition strongly in the character's voice, but like @ICanDream said, an infodump is still an infodump.

Content Warning: Violence, Language, References to drug use and sex work Hi everybody, So this is the first 3 scenes of a book. I really wanted to try something new with this and experiment with style so I'm super curious how people react to it. Honestly, I'm not sure what you will think in the slightest. The first scene is mostly exposition but I went through great pains to embrace it and make it entertaining. I'm really interested in hearing feedback on this part in particular and if it's interesting despite the infodump-iness. I just tried to have fun with it and I hope everyone else has fun with it too Thanks bunches Zaya (By the way: Sorry for the duplicate emails. I'm using a new email client and sometimes it gets sassy with me. Linux software seems to come with a personality haha)

Keep working at it. I really like the feel of the story and I can already tell that you're working on something really unique and genuine. So don't be discouraged. I really like the parts of the world I can see and can't wait to see more.

I can submit. I'm not 100% happy with it yet, but maybe this will give me what I need to get there. Go ahead and put me down. By the way, because of the holiday and a few birthday parties I haven't had the time I wanted to read submissions. Is it against the rules to submit feedback on last weeks stuff late?

Glad to see you too. You were almost right, I'm back a year early though haha. I'm working on a story I'm very happy about and I can't wait to show it. I just want to give the first few scenes a cleanup first.

Wow that was a ride! I'm not sure what you mean about the characters. I like them fine so far, of course I've missed previous revisions and the previous chapters. Overall, I really liked it and had a blast. It has a funky almost Space Dandy like feel to it. And I think that's really cool and unique. I would definitely like to get more into this universe and explore more of the crazy things you have in store for us. There were a few problems I found. Honestly, besides the random spelling mistakes and other minor mistakes, I rather enjoyed this and thought it was a lot of fun. Here's some of the things that glared out at me. Chapter 4 I think these starting sentences are really weird and don't really mesh in my mind. I found myself rereading them multiple times trying to figure out what was going on. I think it's because the first line talks about food I started associating all the next lines with food too. It got confusing when you mentioned the species pressing in and I imagined a huge array of dishes made from alien meat pressing in on the protagonist. It was just odd and I think there's a better way to start this. Overall I thought chapter 4 was pretty good but I found myself hoping to see more of the world. I think it would be stronger if you did more showing instead of telling. Besides the huge mass of bodies, I had trouble picturing the rest of the scene. I know that they can't see very much in this scene but surely there must be something you can give me. What the walkway was made of, things vendors are calling out to sell in the street, or even just the rooftops of the buildings or even the color of the sky. Honestly I think this scene could have at least another 600 words in it to make it flow better and be more descriptive. Also I think you missed an opportunity to build up some tension with the SE agent giving them a free pass. Or at least an opportunity to develop one of you characters as one of the group sweet talks the agent. It just happened so fast and I don't think it did enough to justify it existing. You could probably cut out the agent questioning them and nothing would really change. That's what I call a road sign, it's just there and then it's not (like we pass a sign on a road) and it doesn't really impact the story. Chapter 5 This was my favourite chapter. Probably because things slow down for a moment and I get to see two characters interact in a real cool way that develops their relationship. I found myself really liking Ronny and feeling for your main character. The big issue I'd say is that it's odd that we get a vivid depiction of the outside of the ship and pretty much nothing about how the inside looks. That was kind of weird. Maybe it's because I missed other chapters, but the part where two characters are kissing briefly and then the story just continues like it never happened, threw me off a bit. Just seems like another road sign. It just felt odd that there wasn't a reaction. And if that's the point, then maybe some self awareness about why they're not reacting would be helpful. Chapter 6 This chapter is where I think most of the problems are. There's just way too much happening so fast that I never really get a chance to understand what's going on. At first I thought it was a sim. Then I thought it might not be a sim. Then I thought it was a sim again. But then someone got hurt and that threw me off, but maybe that's part of the sim? If you mention a simulation it might be a good idea to quarantine that section from everything else that really happens. I don't think you need to necessary rewrite this chapter (except for the sim part), but maybe go back in with scissors and a hot glue gun and drawl it out a lot more. That chapter could easily have another 1000 words to describe everything that happened. Also, I'd put more thought into your setups for each action piece. There should be clear transitions between things that happen, especially in scenes with action where so much is happening. Chapter 7 I don't have a lot to say about this one. I'm not really sure that it does much beside provide us some basic data on how Ronny is doing. There could probably be more going on here. It's odd that we don't get some kind of emotional response from the main character about Ronnie's injury after they seemed to bond so great in chapter 5. After deciding to help Ronny with the rebellion wouldn't Ronny's near demise have an impact? Like I said, overall I really liked this story and I think you got a nice structure of events. I'd just like to see more of what's happening and get a clearer view of this cool as hell world you're making.

Hopefully I can submit soon. Just need to revise more first. Looking forward to all the great writers.

This looks really cool, but with my spotty internet connection I'm sure I'd only get to experience a half functional version of what it's supposed to be like. The site says there are editing and organizational tools. Are they pretty good?

This is something I've been thinking about lately with something I'm currently writing. One of the important secondary characters is an artificial intelligence with a non-specific gender voice and obviously not binary gendered. I've been having trouble referring to it, and I don't like using 'it' since it seems so impersonal. I figured that the main character could project a gender onto it and I could use 'he' but that seems wrong. What do you think is the best way to go about this? Maybe if I go the projection route, I can fix it by have some self-awareness later on where the use of 'he' is questioned by characters in the story. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

It's interesting to see the individual interpretations. They're not mine, but that doesn't matter. I feel like stories are ultimately owned by the readers because each story becomes original to the reader as seen through our uniquely warped lenses of perception that we unknowingly build through our lives. The idea of the white elephants is ultimately what inspired me to write the story. I wonder if the symbolism could be made clearer by calling it "On to White Elephants" instead of "Onto White Elephants".

Sorry I haven't been able to get on the last few days. Me and my wife just had our second baby and you know what having a newborn can be like. I want to thank everyone for their input, it's been very constructive for me! I just wanted to ask one thing. Did anyone catch the double meaning of the story's title? I tried to hint at my intent with it. I also tried to reinforce it by literally having them ride on white elephants and tying it together by him passing the white elephants onto his children. I thought it would be cool symbolism for the purpose of the story.