Lost Owl Needs Tea

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18 Noble-Blooded

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  1. Do you remember anything of what you read, though? That would be cool. Like feeling Deja Vu when you actually do read it.
  2. 1) Across the room, tiered platforms moulded into the walls - I know passive is discouraged, but the way this is written makes me imagine the platforms are moving 2) I am to use my skills and abilities to research an artifact - sounds a bit awkward 2) I got lost on page 2 when they started talking about the artifact. H's reaction is a little inconsistent, and though it was said that the play was of no importance, it is being described often. 3) “Care to give me one?” - Why did A bother to get At a drink? I'm confused by the characters that follow, too. Who are At and the woman to ask and challenge a prince? 5) pitting it against his fear - makes me interested to know his backstory 5) He strode down it, muttering an oath to himself - Do we need to know this if it's not explained? It doesn't tell me much 6) said the accented voice in a tone of adrenaline-laden relief - contradicting? 6) He groaned and felt rather than saw their attention focus on him... A closed his eyes, wishing the world would stop spinning, that he could think - A got shoved to the ground and was hit (?) in the ribs... is it due to pain that he can't see or think straight? 7) a sticky substance had covered them - this explains it. Maybe mention it earlier? After that, he kind of just ignores this substance that's still on his eyes? 10) At leant back, nodding slowly. “Okay. I will help.” - Why? Who is this guy? What did A need to talk to him about, all the way in his study, and trust him being there? I got what going on with the basics in plot and hook, more or less, but completely lost as to who the characters are or why they are there. The only character I feel I'm getting to know a little or am curious about his A, but he's not very likable. That he isn't quite prince-like is interesting, but he also seems kind of cold, just staring at the filthy ground his assistant is in lying instead of helping. I like your writing and I think I could like A once I get to know his story more, but in this draft I'm mostly just confused.
  3. Hello everyone A short story I wrote a while back. Please let me know your thoughts and reading experience, any kind of feedback is appreciated!
  4. Hello, could I possibly submit something this or next week whenever there is space?
  5. The characters' voices were really strong. I could guess S' age, more or less, and feel her frustration with adults and feel her mom's exhaustion. Everything flowed well. The only issue I had was with the ending, as it ended a bit abstractly and left me feeling like I didn't know what the meaning of the story was. I'm not sure if that's what you were aiming for.
  6. Hello! I enjoyed the mystery elements in the prologue. It was a little confusing (I wasn't sure exactly who was looking up from the floor and bleeding) but I was interested in the character's situation and what she was going to do about it. The first few paragraphs of the first chapter flowed really well, I got a good sense of setting and character. I wasn't sure about the time though, and the pace began to slow for me when the two sisters met as I was still confused about many things, and though I liked C and was interested in her, I still wasn't sure what was going on and what her goal was. I didn't see the point of the sisters' meeting/POV change as the significance of their relationship wasn't shown much so there wasn't much emotional impact and their meeting/pov change didn't give enough new information that was explored or had an immediate impact. I like your writing style and your writing is very easy to read! Just some structural changes to make things less confusing would help a lot I think.
  7. Not much to add that everyone else hasn't said already, but here's my opinion and answers to your questions. My initial impression was that there wasn't much going on. Since Z kind of rushed over, I expected some action when he arrived, but aside from the minor clash with the guard about entering, there wasn't much that carried on that initial momentum. Since there wasn't much going on, I didn't really pick up any theme yet, maybe faith/belief? nor did I feel like there was any mystery or suspense since the hook was introduced at the end rather than the beginning. Repetitions of words and names made it a little slow to read. I really liked all the characters, especially K. Her personality was completely different from the serene and distant descriptors used to describe her, and I wasn't sure if I felt it clashed or if it worked, but I did like her: she seems interesting, and I'd love to find out her story. The only one I didn't much feel for was Z, because I didn't know anything about him--what he was doing there, where he was going, what he wanted. He rather felt like he was quite passive and being pulled along. Things were happening, but I didn't know why. Kind of felt like an introductory worldbuilding piece where readers find out how the magic works; the treatment scene does that very well. I did enjoy the worldbuilding and would like to learn more about the differences between identities such Witch, S, and G. I would read on if there was a little more explanation or hints as to what the characters' intentions are. PS: as a real side note, commas are used in dialogue if a speech tag like 'said' is used. A period is used if there's no speech tag. I used to do that and wish someone had just casually mentioned it to me earlier.
  8. Loose answers... 1. What tone and type of story are you expecting? Science fiction comedy. Maybe touching satire and self/humanity? 2. What elements would you expect to see? Violence, action, exploration of and conflict between races 3. What big moment/climax would you anticipate, based on the first chapter? I'm hoping to find out if humans have really changed into superhumans or if other races just weaker despite their armor and size etc. Maybe some kind of showdown, status reversal, or awareness of how things are. PS: I was a little confused about the scene with the kids. Also, I like how the chapter ended.
  9. I'm kinda doing it, adding to and editing an old unfinished piece. Just word vomiting really, nothing as detailed as everyone. I just X out the parts I skip
  10. Hello I enjoyed the short story. I agree it felt as if it could have been a longer story. The use of two POVs and mentions of other places makes the story seem a little short. I'd have liked to know J's or the girl's possible age as we weren't really told I think. I think you did great with J's character and would like to know more, such as what makes him so popular as a mentor figure. -The cakes hadn’t really put a dent in his savings, but he shouldn’t have bought so many of them. It was such a boyish thing to do. - reads a bit strange. Any particular reason why the cakes seem so expensive? -rising anticipation of loss. - also reads a bit strange -He did not remember seeing her in the village. Did her family even know she was here? I liked this part and the mention of the college. Made me curious of her background and the world. I also liked the ending but found it just a tiny bit unsatisfying. The last two lines made me wonder if she could've just tried to subdue him and bleed him without needing to kill him. Her going after him and not other prey would be interesting. Overall, I enjoyed the story. The pacing is nice and the characters are well written.
  11. Hello. I think I might have an introduction on the forum somewhere maybe some time back, but I'm a lurker so perhaps not, but would just like to say hi to everyone. Not very confident in my writing or Sanderson knowledge or opinions, so don't really post much, but thanks for having me! I'm a bit blunt, but I try to include what I like when offering critique. It's interesting to read everyone's opinions on the same piece. I write children's and YA fantasy, at least I think that is as close as it gets. I just write how I want, and it tends to lean to those genres.
  12. It was a good read for me. I like the mood of the setting and I actually enjoyed the worldbuilding. A bit more could've set it in, but I got the overall impression I think. It read more like a first chapter than a short story to me. There didn't seem to be any conclusion or revelation, so as a short story seemed to end a bit abruptly and I wasn't sure what the point was. As a chapter, I would've liked to read the next. The most difficult thing for me to understand was the characters and their introductions. I think the protag is female, but I'm not confident about that statement. I also don't understand the seemingly sudden and intense interest in Ebb. The introduction of Ebb also threw me off. At first I imagined a middle-aged man in a suit, which then aged up as he started to haggle, and the image suddenly changed to a supposedly handsome but somewhat shabby young man. But that was quite jarring and quite a strange visual, given the previous changes. It kind of retained a part of each. Perhaps mentioning a general age would be a good idea, unless it has something to do with worldbuilding. Again, he went from glaring to grinning in a predatory way, kind of scary really, and I really couldn't understand where the attraction came from.
  13. This looks great!
  14. Hi there! I think it's pretty good writing for a non-native writer. That said, the grammar mistakes did make it hard to get into the story. A. are you interested? I'm minorly interested. I'm interested in the characters and what a bunch of priests and religious figures might be doing in a city, and what kind of story would develop in such a place. There were also many tense shifts and POV changes, I was fairly confused about what was going on. B. how are the characters? I liked the banter and interaction between the characters, even though I rather lost track of who was speaking and since so many were introduced a one, the details about them. Their dialogue itself was fairly interesting, flowed pretty well and was easy to digest. I couldn't decide who I was meant to be following, or figure out whose story it was. One thing you might want to consider is to add some movement in between their dialogue and changing some paragraphs. Because how it seemed to me was that the characters exited the Olive, talked and got attacked in the same spot, talked some more and suddenly found themselves in front of their inn. Actually, I liked the last 3 paragraphs and the doorkeeper the most. The contrast between her role and her actions make for an interesting character and her I think I'd love to read more about. C. what is your feeling of the city? Not much description about it, so intrigued but can't say much about it.
  15. I agree with the previous comment about the protag. I also thought the way she panicked and cried felt more like a teenager than a woman of 60. It made me wonder if the people of the world lived extraordinarily long lives, and so this was normal? I think you might have jumped into action a little early. The character's strong reactions feel like a distraction from the death scene. Letting us know the character before introducing the discovery of the dying character can show why the character feels she's unable to handle the task etc and the show the relationship between her and her friend so we care more about the character dying and how it affects the protag. The emotional jumps-- from shock to confusion, sadness, doubt and resolute-- felt rushed. I wasn't sure if the major character emotion was supposed to be sadness for her mentor, worry about the monastery or just worry about herself. I don't think characters have to be likable to be great characters, not at all, but I hope it wasn't the latter. Also, watch out for repetition of words. 'Master' is used a lot. I presume they've spent time together and may call each other by their name in such a situation.