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kais

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Posts posted by kais

  1. Overall

    This is definitely the start of the book, for me. We get the inciting incident, goals, motivations, and cool tech. I'd say it goes on a bit long with the info dumps at the end, but for most of it I was well engaged. A good installment, though again, I think you might consider just starting the book around here, instead of the previous chapters. In a bookstore I'd not have made it to this part, even with the cool airships. Still hoping we see a full on airship battle soon!

     

    As I go

    - I continue to love that ship name

    - pg 3: I would take it from your calm and measured response <-- the issue with calm and measured responses is that there is no urgency then to get the reader amped

    - pg 4: I feel like it is taking too long to get to the action. Promises from the end of last chapter and start of this one are airship battle! Yet right now we still have posturing and talking

    - pg 4: C has a lot of exposition on this page

    - pg 6: even with your Arthurian summary, I'm lost. I have zero background in this lore, unfortunately

    - pg 6: so instead of a battle there will be a duel? I feel like reader promises were not kept here

    - pg 9: so they inherited a machine spirit? But doesn't the Jenny already have one? Will that be an issue?

    - this description on page 11 would have been better in the first chapter. It explains so much of the world and gets me much more invested

    - pg 12: yes, definitely would have liked all this sooner

    - pg 13: She is merciless and oppressive <-- this makes me want a second POV with her, that alternates chapters so we see the other side of the story

    - pg 16: it seems like the book really starts here, with the inciting incident and now our MC having a goal and direction. I'm much more invested through here than I have been in previous chapters. I feel like we finally have motivation, goal, etc.

    - pg 18: getting long in the tooth here. I'd say end it around page 16. Getting more info dump now on the machine spirit is pushing things

     

  2. Overall

    I think most of this chapter could be cut or reworked. If you're going to put it with the previous chapter, that would be awesome. If you want it to stand alone then I think it needs a rewrite to be more active, with A interacting with the plot and the plot moving forward. Well written as always, but I think this chapter gets back into the old format of talking heads, instead of plot and character interaction. 

     

    As I go

    - I think the first sentence would pack more of a punch if it was active instead of passive

    She is in here <-- this might actually be a better place to start the chapter

    - I think most of page 2 could be cut. Move right into the king talking to keep the page from sagging

    - pg 4: these four pages could be a page, easily. We don't need the verbal recap either, because we were 'present' when the events happened

    - pg 5: this is where I first engage with the chapter--the idea of illicit spellstone use

    - pg 6 could be cut I think. And the first part of pg 7. You have teased us with the spellstones, but they are still just talking and rehashing. You might consider making this chapter more active by having A come back into the infirmary with the king's brother already using said stones, and then have reactions from there

    - pg 10: I'm not sure what the point is to having A being the POV. He isn't engaging the plot at all through here

    - 10-13: lots of talking through here that is hard not to skim. I'm anxious for plot movement and thus far feel like I'm being teased with plot movement but no actual forward motions are happening

    - the last page isn't a strong end for me because we knew from the start they were going to send for the mage

  3. Overall

    This installment had good pacing and I enjoyed the character engagement. This had more of an arc than most of the chapters you submit, so I liked that. Not keen on another POV when I don't feel committed to either of the previous two, but mopdog is pretty cute.The kids' voices aren't really distinct enough for me to tell them apart without the dialogue tags but C is getting a more distinct voice, so progress there. 

    Nice job on the pacing!

     

    As I go

    - I need a mopdog

    - pg 3: I don't think I care for another POV. I still don't really care as much as I should for our lead character, and I don't have handle at all on V. Getting a mopdog POV isn't giving me the handhold I need into the story

    - pg 3: yellow with human skin grease <-- ewwww

    - ah, we have a semblance of plot!

  4. S for discussion of sex and some suggestive nudity. No actual sex.

    Moving right along. There are three main beats in this chapter and I’m hoping they tied into each other well and that you feel like this chapter does move the plot forward and doesn’t just rehash what we already know. It’s got some critical emotional points for readers from the first four books but I don’t know how new readers would see it. 

     

    Thanks in advance!

  5. On 5/3/2021 at 1:09 PM, RedBlue said:

    I'm assuming that Ata's adventures were covered in the original trilogy of books, and that's why Ata has such a 'hero of another story' vibe going on.

    Correct! This was the first set of four books

    On 5/4/2021 at 9:06 AM, Mandamon said:

    I'm sort of still sorry to miss her getting told this directly by A, but I guess it would be hard to have that happen.

    I did originally have it happen this way, but ended up nixing it for this instead. I think it works better just because we can get to the meat of the main plot sooner, but time will tell.

    On 5/7/2021 at 5:49 PM, Ace of Hearts said:

    The stuff with A didn't really hit me as hard because I don't know why O wants to see her so badly. Yeah they're old... friends? Acquaintances? They know each other but idk what O is looking for from A now. Answers? Closure? A way forward? Practical help?

    The chapters leading up to this built this emotional arc so this definitely wouldn't make sense coming in cold. Sorry about that.

     

    Thanks everyone! Looks like not much to edit on this one, which means likely next chapter will require a lot of editing. I appreciate all the feedback!

  6. 1 hour ago, leapfrog said:

    Did I forget something about vampires and wood...? What weapon would be from a wooden chair...? 

    You can kill a vampire with a wood stake, which is very easy to make from breaking a chair. Legs on wood chairs, spindle backs, they snap really easily. Also I blame this on growing up on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

    1 hour ago, leapfrog said:

    Sorry, what did you mean by that? 

    They get bound to a person, but then that person has to give their heart away, so they don't stay as a couple.

     

  7. Overall

    I don't understand why C is taking the bait if she knows it is bait. Surely there must be other ways to find out the truth about the stove, like continued experimentation. That she isn't taking charge of the plot and just riding along keeps me at an emotional distance from her. Now G-M, she was great. Very engaging. I more want to follow her now, than C.

    Writing is still smooth and the voice is stronger in this installment, thanks to G-M. I think really it's just C I'm hanging on.

     

    As I go

    - pg 1: how do supplies get into this town if its all isolated??? Where does the dog food and bed and stuff come from? I have questions

    - pg 2: ah, I see my question is (more or less) answered. Well done

    - G-M thus far has the most personality of any of the characters. I was super engaged during this beat

    - pg 9: I like the baiting, but C's response isn't as...I don't know. It falls flat for me. If she knows she is being baited, then there is no tension. Without tension, the momentum of the plot falters. With G-M it was strong. She has a strong personality and strong motivation and she moves the plot forward. C just...continues to let it happen to her

    - pg 10: if she knows she is being baited, why is she still going to try for good marks?

     

  8.  

    Overall

    While well written, as always, I think there are two major issues. 1) our MC lacks voice, and is coming off as a two-dimensional love interest. You don't need more content, just a different way of speaking and interacting for him that gives him clear emotions that motivate. 2) I don't think there's a full arc here. I'm not sure how the plot progressed, only that I now know about spellstones--but that isn't really plot progression. 

    A bit of tidying though, and I think it will be a reasonable chapter. You just want to make sure these early chapters, and especially if you have a POV swap, are really grabby, to let the reader get invested in a new character and keep reading

    As I go

    - strong start! And because it ties directly into the first chapter and continues the timeline, I have no issues with a new POV character so early

    - there's some lag between the strong start and the He'd come to the capital line, which is, to me, where the meat starts again. Because we are early on still, I'd argue for quick movement early on, then discussion of palace architecture later

    - pg 4: well, this is reading a lot more like a romance now. But I feel like we've lost all flavor for this MC. I think its because his voice feels watered down. I'd like more...personality, I think. More voice. Right now he's sweet and worries so all that comes across is love interest. I get no sense for his motivations this far in, or personality, or anything three dimensional. Again, it's not an issue of needing more backstory as it is needing more voice

    - pg 5: this page has too much woolgathering over things we have already experienced

    - pg 6: I feel like we could have gone from pg 1 to here without losing anything of substance for the plot

    - pg 8: the interlude with the guard seems either unnecessary, or far too late in the game. I think this early chapter would be better served with that strong start, then the guard won't let him deliver the princess, then he does, then some form of plot movement

    - pg 10 is where we get to the actual plot movement. I take back what I wrote above. I think page one, then right here to pg 10

    - pg 11: while the magic is interesting, our MC no longer feels rushed. I get no real sense of urgency or danger. It feels like he just stopped caring about the princess when the spell stones came out. Again, I think this is more a voice thing than anything else

    - pg 12: I don't think this chapter has a full arc

  9. Welcome to RE and congratulations on your first sub!

    Overall

    That twist at the end was fun! I think it needs a bit better integration, or maybe I'm still having a hard time with how well the BF took the vampire thing. Overall, I was very engaged with this. it was well written and had good flow. A few comments below, and I'd like more reaction from the BF and some clarification along the points you are trying to make with aromanticism / asexuality (couldn't tell if one or both), but otherwise I think its a clever take on the soulmates trope. Though I do remain wondering how this custom came about and why it persists. I think a sentence or two discussing that could be useful.

    As I go

    - strong intro lines

    - pg 1: errr...are vampire hearts not prone to decay? How is it not on ice? How are there not sterile procedures? I cannot suspend disbelief for this without a bit more info on vampires

    - pg 2: and that was an unexpected twist. So this is a fated lovers romance with vampires? Sure. I'm in. It's also...so much more gruesome than usual

    - pg 3: wow that isn't soulmate so much as hyper manipulative. Interesting twist

    - pg 5: would a vampire not be a little fearful of sitting in a wooden chair? I feel like they'd be more into plastic furniture. COuldn't be turned into a weapon then

    - pg 9: I think here is where the narrative loses me. I'd like D to take more time dissecting romantic versus platonic/family love, and find value in both while also noting she isn't into the former. Here it seems just dismissive of romantic love without any deeper discussion or observation, and that makes D seem cold

    - pg 12: I don't believe that the BF took the vampire thing in stride like that. I'd like more disbelief or at least learn how he deals with it so well

    - wait...so they can't keep the romance they found???

  10. Overall

    While yes, the romance is apparent, I think you have two chapters here. There are two arcs happening, one with N and one with A. if you break them apart, trim the excessive dialogue, stick in flower plot relevance, and then end about a page early on that last chapter, I think you'd have two strong installments that keep reader engagement.

    I'll add that I'm still struggling with out MC. She's deeply unlikable and seems to create more drama, then complain about it. I know she explains why she thinks the way she does but she keeps engaging in drama and gossip. I'd think that if she hated it that much she'd just...not engage (also...Willow uses she/her, right? Or no? I've forgotten. Sorry!)

     

    As I go

    - not a strong opening line. It doesn't make me interested in the chapter or compel me to read further

    - pg 2: of all the characters in this, our MC is definitely the most passive aggressive. Also, two pages in and there doesn't appear to be a chapter arc

    - pg 3: ah, so N is a flower? Is that what we are getting out of this chapter? If so I think the flower needs to be more present and really driving the narrative. Right now our MC's bitterness is all that is driving things and I find her generally unlikable, which would be fine if her other 'sliders' were higher

    - pg 5: is the pending dance homecoming, or prom? I'm confused

    - pg 6: Is he telling the truth <-- he's only ever told the truth. Why would she doubt him? I don't understand why she is so prickly around absolutely everyone. Everyone seems genuinely nice to her and she responds to coldly, even paranoid. It almost makes me think the arc is the MC eventually coming to some self realization about how she acts, more than anything else

    - pg 8: this conversation is going on too long. I want more beef to the plot movement. Just say yes or no to the invite!

    - pg 8: All this social maneuvering is exhausting. This is why I don’t trust people <-- thus far it seems like our MC makes up most of it in her head

    - pg 8: but I don’t know what I did wrong <-- I don't know what he did wrong, either

    - pg 11: I think the convo with N and then the realization with A are two different chapters. there are two partial arcs here and no full one. I think separating them out and adding in flower plot will make them both more robust

    - pg 14: I'd suggest ending the chapter on him saying yes to homecoming. We don't need anything after it and it would make the arc more powerful

     

  11. 4 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

    Do you think that will be a problem?

    I think keeping it vague is fine. I don't think I've ever met anyone with Klinefelter only, but obviously it exists. In the general population its much more common to have XY androgen insensitivity, which would also give you, I think, what you're after, and might be more understandable/relatable to readers. But if you aren't getting specific, I'm not sure its worth worrying about.

     

    4 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

    I think your tweet about the gender thing popped up in my feed a while back actually)

    Has my identity been breached!? (joking)

    Also WOW we have a lot of enbies on here now. NICE.

  12. 6 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

    reading the wikipedia article for Klinefelter, which is what he has. Do you recommend any specific sources, or is it better if I start from scratch looking myself? 

    Klinefelter is rare, and may give you borders you don't want later. there are...wow I don't know, probably close to fifty well-documented intersex variations, and then each has plenty of variations on its own, plus all the rare rare ones that don't have names. For this particular situation, I'd argue you don't necessarily need to use a specific template as long as you understand what is encompassed by intersex: variations outside the traditional bounds of 'male' and 'female.' This can be hormonal, genetic, physical, or some combination of all three. You don't have to have ambiguous genitals to be intersex. You don't have to have chromosomal abnormalities. What is very common is that intersex rarely occurs in a vacuum-usually it comes with a host of medical issues that can be life threatening. And I think that's where many authors fall short on intersex--they take the 'cool' parts and never the consequences. Our bodies are not built to walk the line between biological sexes, and doing so comes with a cost in most instances (and I'm not talking social costs, but those are huge, too). So making sure you're writing the whole person, the whole body, not just the part that seems magical, will make the character far more authentic than tracking them with some specific diagnosis, if that makes sense.

    If you do want to follow a diagnosis template, I'd suggest an 'easier' diagnosis, like congenital adrenal hyperplasia or androgen insensitivity. They're more straightforward, with (generally) fewer other tag along issues and would allow your character to do more, physically. 

    A quick addendum - watch how you deal with gender. Most intersex people are not gender fluid and many are 'cis' gendered (as weird as that concept is when talking about intersex conditions). I'd advise avoiding the tropes of fluid gender for an intersex character. There are gender fluid intersex people, of course, but it's....it's just not as usually seen and smacks more of authorial misunderstanding of the condition. In that same bag is to definitely avoid fluid sex, which again, yes, does happen, but you don't want to get into the weeds on that. Also the emotional and physical costs of fluid biological sex is just...not something most people I think could do justice in writing.

  13. 13 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

    you think this is the wrong approach?

    Maybe? You can write generic European fantasy if you’re from a European background. You’ll have a hard time pulling off generic fantasy from a background you don’t share, because you don’t know enough about the cultures at play to generalize. Though you could simplify to a scarf sort of deal and probably be okay. 
     

    13 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

    hoping to convey that he's intersex, since N does say S

    I’ll be interested to see where this goes then. What intersex resources are you using, if any, as a basis for this character? I love to see intersex characters in SFF!

  14. 18 hours ago, C_Vallion said:

    I know you're still skeptical of there being any need for a prologue, but if there were to be a prologue that addresses Al's parents' deaths, stressing how it represents the conflict between the duchy and the royal family regarding the magic laws (but, you know, better than the painful early attempts), do you think that would be enough to provide the background context to avoid a lot of page space for it here?   Still trying to figure out the best ways to introduce what information when.

    Definitely doesn't need a prologue. I think just a sentence or two would do it, honestly, somewhere near the front of the chapter. We don't need a meal, just a taste.

  15. Overall

    Much more plot and narrative structure in this than previous chapters, and I like that we are getting into the meat of the story. I think there are still issues with logic jumps, but this is the first chapter I've really felt a sustained sense of wonder. I think there's some trimming to be done still, but overall I thought this was an excellent installment. 

     

    As I go

    - pg 1: She shouldn’t have kept her chickens in an enclosure that was so easy for another animal to get into. <-- I have absolutely no idea how old this girl is, but shouldn't the decision of how to keep the chickens be her parents' decision?

    - pg 3: well that was unexpected!

    - pg 4: not sure what the purpose of V's POV interlude is. It seems to slow down the narrative which started very strong!

    - pg 6: logic jump around Wood Stove that I don't follow. I don't think enough groundwork has been put down and C makes a lot of logic jumps. It makes me feel like there's always missing information that C has, but the reader doesn't, and that makes the narrative frustrating

    - pg 7: the thing with C on pg 7 where something is flowing out of her is really confusing. I think it needs to be more concrete

    - pg 8: I like the part about putting the mop into the stove

    - aww, I love mopdog

  16. Overall

    I....do not know what the point of this chapter was. It doesn't appear to have a full arc. I think there's too much world building an not enough (or really any) personal motivations, and I'm unclear what the personal and global stakes/goals are. I did enjoy the queer aspects of the world building, and that kept me moving through the narrative, but that just means I'm invested in two side characters and not our lead. 

    This reads more like authorial sandboxing, which is completely fine and legit, but not the most narratively compelling. Some cleaning will help, as will focusing on narrative structure so that we have a beginning, middle, and end.

     

    As I go

    - pg 1: looking for a sign that he was going to die today <-- this doesn't have any tension because I don't yet care about this character, and the way it's phrased makes it sound like he's just looking for trouble

    - pg 2: I have absolutely no idea what is going on or much about this world at this stage. All I know is our lead appears to be looking for trouble

    - pg 2: 'power jogging' just does not sound like a very cool superpower

    - 'formal head wrap' if you are basing this off a culture, you should use their names for the type of headscarf she is wearing. There are many kinds, and cover more or less of the body, and are each specific

    - pg 4: made the opposite connection as most people <-- what assumption are we supposed to make? That he's trans? Intersex?

    - pg 5: indicated by green or blue robes for the women and red or orange robes for the men, <-- so...what do the nonbinary people wear? What about our chimera man above? (edit) Ah so he sits with the men and so does our headscarf lady, so there is some fluidity in this...more social roles perhaps? I'm interested in the world building here at least

    - pg 5: ah a gay protagonist! (or ace/aro) Nice

    - pg 6: the Red Angel means nothing to me right now. Why he has to fight it really should be set up in the first page or two

    - the ending is confusing

  17. Oooh, I'm excited to read this revision!

    Overall

    WOW! LOADS BETTER than the first round! We have pretty much everything we need for an opening chapter, and I think with a few areas expanded and some pages cut, this will be really solid. The one big thing is I's voice, which I'm still not connecting with because I'm not getting much real emotion from her. I see her emotion in the way she moves and such but I don't feel it. I want to feel it in her words and actions, not just see it. I think that likely means just taking a little breather with the language and making sure her voice comes through across the narrative. 

    Nice work!

    As I go

    - I think that first paragraph could be punched up, namely with I's emotions over being late. I like the first sentence. I like the purpose of the paragraph. I'd just prefer to get a sense of urgency from I not meeting those expectations because GASP SHE MIGHT BE LATE!

    - pg 1: information is fine, but I want more emotional reaction from I, especially in regards to R

    - pg 2: Which of us do you think is better equipped to earn the favor of a reclusive duke?” <--- +10 for plot point, but I think one more line, either here or before this, to hit the importance of this duke and how its kind of the global plot, would be useful

    - pg 4: yes, we definitely need like a line or two about the duke before we meet him so we see how important he is going to be to the plot. Without that, the interlude where she sees and greets him seems superfluous

    - pg 5: She didn’t have many opportunities to formally represent the royal family so visibly —most of those responsibilities went to R— but the tournament ring was one place she could do justice to her heritage<-- this needs to be on like page one. Personal stakes.

    - pg 6: she trusted his ability to civilly accept a loss from the <-- why? I think we need a touch more set up for this line to land

    - pg 9: What a display of royal dignity <-- hah I love this

    - pg 12: so around here I am aware of the poison and waiting for the effect. I am concerned there are still five more pages and think a bit of trimming on the back end here may be in order

    - pg 15: Are you alright?” <-- I think we can jump from 12 to 15 to this line and not have lost anything. Extending her passing out until she talks to the duke is fine, but we need to get right to it, otherwise we lose the impact and urgency

    - pg 16: I also think most of 16 can go

     

  18. Overall

    Much better! You've resolved a lot of the issues, which, of course, let's us find other issues (isn't that always the way? Sigh). My biggest issues in this draft are 1) no explanation of why this day is different than any other day (missing motivation that changes things, such as the inciting incident that lead to C going up the tree), 2) how C responds...she doesn't seem to make clear connections and I don't understand why, and 3) the lack of closing the narrative arc at the end (and no hook to move us to the next chapter, which I think could be as simple as C realizing her actions in the badlands have had bad consequences).

    But generally, well done! These next round of edits should be a lot more straightforward, and I think we have a solid enough footing now to move forward and really grasp the world.

    As I go

    - solid entry line

    - pg 2: And I’m going to prove it, too.” <-- awesome, and glad she's taking control of the plot, but what got her to this point? I feel like we missed the inciting incident. At this point I have world buy in, and MC buy in, but missing the why

    - pg 4: so I think actually you could clean up this why with maybe a sentence or two at the beginning that says something like every afternoon, on their lunch break, the kids of Constance go to the edge of the rift and try to bait the curse. They've been doing it for so long, no one knows who started it. Con was determined to end it, though. Sort of a life's mission. It had started because Billy (or whomever) had tossed her favorite doll beyond the rift, left it overnight, and when they'd come back it'd been gone. Searching turned up nothing. Con was older now, no longer cared about the doll, but she couldn't stop searching the waste and wondering...if her doll was out there, what else might be, too?

    or something along those lines. Just a little hook to give us a reason for this sudden interest

    - pg 7: How would she know if it were the curse< -- wait what? This is a huge logic leap I don't follow. Wouldn't she just think she is sick or something? Or that she maybe brought back part of the curse with her and it affected her sight?

    - pg 8: Is 'Chuck' a nickname for 'Charles'? Otherwise I'm confused. Why not just introduce him as Chuck?

    - pg 9: oh this is a much better setup for the wood stove mystery than before!

    - pg 9: so her foray into the badlands clearly affected her but she doesn't seem to be attributing it to the event. this is strange and I don't understand why not. A child, especially, I feel like would draw a clear line between 'did something I wasn't supposed to' and 'weird consequence'

    - the ending doesn't end the narrative arc. What is the hook to lead me into the next chapter?

  19. I'd suggest combining files next time. I have no idea what to read first.

    Overall

    I found this all a very choppy read, more like getting bits of a draft that hasn't been finished yet. I think the scene with the twins was the most engaging, but from the wrong POV, and would work better as a flashback during the main narrative. The other two shorts I think could be cut without affecting anything, since I couldn't get grounding in either. The writing was fine, and nothing was hard to read, I just couldn't get a handhold really in any of it except with the kids. For prologues and stuff I think, especially, you really need to hook the reader right from the first page, and that means a quick cementing of the main character and world, so you can build from there. Going right into fighting or having a POV that doesn't engage the plot makes that very difficult.

    As I go

    - timeline: I don't usually read front matter because I'm not invested in the characters enough to care. I made it through the first page and left it. I got that time moves differently than ours

    The Last Day: there's a lot of redundancy in that first paragraph

    - this two page thing is far too oblique. It doesn't hook me because I don't get any real information, other than the tropes that this story will use going forward

    60th of Winter: pg 2: they had slaughtered <-- who? The children???

    - pg 3: It's weird to be in the POV of the character who isn't doing anything. This chapter would be better suited to C's POV. The girl is just bobbing with the plot and being fearful. She isn't interacting

    - pg 3: Not the best for us, maybe, but I can see the wheels turning behind those dark eyes of hi <-- I have an almost seven year old and I don't care how intelligent her eyes look, I wouldn't trust her to hunt down family members and bring them to justice. She can barely make canned soup on her own

    - I think this little bit could be better served as a flashback during the main narrative. It doesn't stand on its own very well, especially without an introspection from the POV character. It would do much better if we got C's thoughts as he bargains

    59th of winter: this was just long fight scene from characters I'm not yet invested in, in a world I don't understand. I'm not sure what the purpose of it is, since it doesn't seem to establish anything

  20. Oooh, glad to revisit this again!

    Overall

    It is definitely better than the last round, and I can see your integration of things like arcs and motivations and such. With that said, we don't get an inciting incident and the first beat, to me, was laid out perfectly for it. Those first two sentences of the second interlude could have lead to her forgetting something at the restaurant, heading back, catching TBK and the explosion. That would have been super dynamic! Then the next chapter she could have gone home and chatted with her family, with the readers having a more solid foundation of the danger of the world, and who TBK is. 

    For me, if I picked this up in a bookstore, I would not continue reading because it seems like it will be a politics book, and those aren't my cup of tea. If we did get the exploding restaurant and then I would continue reading, because the chef angle was awesome and much more grabby, and having this chef lose her restaurant in the first chapter would have hooked me hard.

    As well, I think the global stakes are more or less clear, and the world is clear, but I's personal motivations and stakes are not. I have no sense of doom or urgency for her. I do for her sister, and the world at large (somewhat obtusely) but not for I. Having the restaurant blow up would give me that.

    Solid progress and well done!

     

    As I go

    - first paragraph and I already care more about this story than I did before. Also I feel more invested in I as a chef, immediately

    - pg 3: magic world setup is well established. I feel like I have a solid foothold on this fantasy world by here

    - pg 3: the cruel Fey; intelligent civilized creatures like herself; and the mundane animals that had few uses beyond a food source. <-- I think this needs to be more specific, because it makes it sound like humans are civilized and intelligent and even the intelligent animals are food

    - pg 4: This would be easier if she could create light I<-- We need a bigger gap between the information about the animals, and I's magic. I'm still digesting what animal can eat what. Shoving I's magic right in the next paragraph makes it lose its importance. It would be easy to skim over.

    - pg 5: Her mind was crowded with a growing list of things she needed to do if she was going to keep the restaurant and her family alive. <-- This is the point where I felt overwhelmed. There's too much world building in too short a time span. I think we probably don't need the information on animal versus Animal yet. More about I's power/magic and the touch of politics is probably the most you want in chapter one. I'm having a hard time sorting all the elements, and I've been through this before. I think a lot of the early world building here can be pushed to later chapters and revealed more slowly

    - I think that second interlude could be cut to maybe one or two sentences to lead into the third interlude. It doesn't seem to serve a purpose other than atmospheric infodump

    - pg 9: this is a lot of politics for a first chapter, especially since it pushes our inciting incident back (which I hope is coming in the next several pages)

    - no exploding restaurant!

  21. Overall

    I really need that global plot to come through earlier and stronger. The romance is there and apparent, but the flower is, for me, the actual hook and I feel like it just keeps being teased over and over. At this point, especially in a MG, we should have a solid handle on the global stakes and plot and we still don't have that. 

    I agree with the others that the first beats of this chapter could be cut. I think the dialogue with Brit is great, but would like a ton more on the flower situation. The bi section was a bit strange, but @shatteredsmooth nailed it. As always, the writing is easy to read and flows well. I just need more meat.

     

    As I go

    - first sentence is not a strong hook at all

    - this whole first page could be cut. It does nothing for the narrative

    - pg 2: oh god the Oregon coast is cold don't do the bikini! (also 'coast' shouldn't be capitalized)

    - I think the whole ride to the wherever can be cut. It was slow and doesn't seem to have any plot relevance

    - pg 6: why is our MC so paranoid? Everything about Brit seems legit, and Er has been persistently kind. Really, the person I dislike the most in this story is our prickly MC

    - it's page 9 before we get to the plot. I'd like to see this come a lot earlier. The interlude with Brit is excellent but the ride there was painful, and I still have no investment in our MC, who seems to uniformly dislike everything and everyone

    - pg 11: knew that he’s bi, since she was dating him at that time. And you’ve seen that she can be a bit… paranoid <-- wait what? Character continuity whiplash. Brit seems awesome, and thus far so has Er. So where is this coming from? Is Eri a jerk, or Brit? It's not in either of their established personalities

    pgs 13-14: I have no idea what is happening here

     

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