kais
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Posts posted by kais
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I agree with everything @Silk said, and I want to emphasize that you should use the pronoun in line with your character's gender. Their physical form has nothing to do with that. Being agender, if that is what you are going for, is in fact, a gender, and one that would then use they/them/theirs or some form of neopronoun. But gender isn't tied to what your body looks like, so it's important to keep those distinct.
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FIRST!
Overall
Generally, pretty smooth. This part didn't move as quickly as the last part, but there weren't noticeable lag areas, either. I like the children touchstones, so that kept me invested even without action. Nicely done.
As I go
- pg 2: they can keep the biomass from encroaching on the animal pens. <-- there's a whole story in here somewhere about how the only way to defeat the biomass is to cross it with pig DNA and now the whole planet isn't kosher and Jewish people are so conflicted
- yay they get to have a baby in a ....tube. Honestly if tube pregnancy had been offered to me I might have taken it
- pg 6: Well, gentlemen, ladies, and others <-- opportunity missed for my favorite whimsical guys, gals, and nonbinary pals
- pg 8: had a sprinkling of salt and paper, <-- assuming you meant pepper, not paper
- pg 10: we have enough to Beta Radian <-- verb missing
- love the ending
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Overall
It's a lot smoother than I remember, so that's good progress. Parts are still choppy and there's some blocking issues. Biggest issues are E's feelings, which are almost uniformly upper torso related and come off more as telling than showing. Good edit though!
As I go
- lot of 'mom' redundancy in that first paragraph
- MC is experiencing emotions primarily in the stomach/gut region. Might be nice to show them another way
- issue continues into page two. Body emotions that it feels like we are being told about instead of experiencing the MC's feelings more organically
- I'm surprised this is the first we get of the mannequin lore. For the turning into mannequins to be surprising yet inevitable, it needs to have been seeded earlier. Especially if this is the inciting incident. Here it lacks punch and seems narratively convenient
- pg 4: the end of the chapter confused me. That last line didn't seem set up, so I had to go back and reread and realized I'd missed the very short blocking. We get a lot of body emotions but not a lot of MC action/reaction or talking. I think the balance is off to build the sort of tension that would lead to that strong last line
- body emotion issue continues into chapter 5
- You need to move. Get out of there!” <-- why? Unclear what the other character is reacting to
- and I…I felt like I was becoming one too. <-- how does the other character know this enough to react to it as above?
- D is taking this ghost thing way too calmly and E doesn't seem to react at all
- chapter five seems to not have a purpose. Can D reacting and E reacting move to the next chapter?
- pg 9: But we know the two ghosts involved <-- I'm assuming we've already been introduced to these characters?
- chapter 6 is the strongest chapter so far. Well written. It just doesn't end on a particularly strong beat. That end sentence doesn't make me want to read to the next page. It makes me want to put the book down and do something else
- first line of Ch 7: it's booth, not both
- pg 15: whatever was in the room with Mom was strong <-- we would not know this from her reaction
- pg 17: I don't know if my mind wandered or what. Didn't they order a pizza to eat in the library or whatever? Are they at a diner now? I'm confused where they are and who the other people are
- D has very random emotional bursts
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Late, but didn't forget!
Overall
Quite enjoyed this one. Some thoughts below but generally good progressional around and good character growth. Nice to see melanin cameo (if that's what it was)
As I go
- thinking about this cow situation...did they not take any Hindi people on this generational craft? There must have been issues with what animals to bring? What about Jewish people and pigs? Seafood? I feel like there's a missed opportunity to talk about how they only have chicken because dinosaurs are the only meat everyone on Earth can agree on
- pg 5: all good through here. Enjoying it
- pg 10: for her, as well as whole sub-category of women she belonged to <-- this is really interesting wording. WRS for sure, but she's trans, right? This wording almost reads to me as intersex, which of course I find fascinating. I'm wondering if 'sub category' is the best way to phrase it? But that's better left to a trans woman sensitivity reader. If she is intersex, I think the word works fine
- because she feared there being another one <-- could you chase this with something like Humanity and law had moved on generations ago from trans bigotry. Individuals, on the other hand, remained unpredictable.
- Aww I love Frank
- pg 15: Clog the water source with the strange red and brown growths <-- if this is melanin, there are a few species that secrete it like this in water. Science approved
- pg 16: was left was not enough to start a hyphal network inside a body <--- hahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that's not how fungus works! One spore, buddy. ONE SPORE
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Just saw I got the sub. Sorry for being so late!
Overall
I think this started out relatively strong and then wandered with way too may POVs. The general rule I've been given before is to make sure you get readers invested in a POV before you move them to another one. I was okay with the first one as I found it engaging. The second I wasn't invested in before it switched. And by the third I'd just given up. I assume you are going for a sort of Heroes situation. There are things you can do in a visual media that are a lot harder with written words, and also may just be a bit above where you're writing is at right now. Not that you shouldn't try! We get better for trying. But right now I think you're not landing the multiple POVs.
As I go
- there's some awkward tense changes in that first paragraph
- pg 1: the woman's outfit seems like a very poor choice for a robbery
- pg 2: No-one’s dumb enough to fall for a technopath missing a digital barrier <-- I don't know what this means
- pg 4: scene setup here is going on long. the first chapter had some decent tension and you had my attention. But extended descriptions of suburbia aren't holding my attention
- pg 5: 3rd POV in one sub. You've lost me. I want to get invested in each before they get swapped and right now I only sort of care about the first guy, and he's dead
- pg 6: and another POV. I'm lost and floundering
- at this point I started skimming to see if I could find a hook that would bring me back into the story
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I never got this sub. Would you be willing to shoot it to me over DM?
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Sorry for being late. Spring break got away from me
Overall
There are a lot of major plot elements in here all mashed together. Each one needs space to breathe, and to be foreshadowed before it can have any effect. For an introductory chapter I'd suggest focusing on your two main characters and the emotions surrounding the sister returning, and then pick one major plot element to explore through that. Then seed in hints at these others but don't investigate them for another few chapters. Let the reader get invested in one thing before you toss another on.
As I go
- the first sentence is a touch long. I had to read it twice to sort out what was going on
- pg 2: I'd expect more emotions from S if his sister has been missing for a year and she was perhaps presumed unsafe (since he says 'I'm glad you're safe')
- I'm not sure the red angel should be introduced yet. We don't get a lot of impact from it, and we just got the brother killing event. I'd suggest spending time on that before moving to another plot pivotal thing
- S should emote more. We hear all the emotions he senses but how does he feel about seeing his long lost sister? Did he miss her? Was he worried about her? I get no read on this character and it makes it hard to connect
- pg 7: so there's no poverty anymore and they've solved the people's issues. I'm confused as to what the main plot arc is of the story. I should have a firm grasp of it by this far into the narrative
- the refugees should be discussed well before we see them, since they seem to be important to the plot
- pg 12: I am lost. I need more about the red angel and the refugees before I can really get invested in what is taking place. You might need a prologue where the brothers duel and then one of them maybe gets involved with refugees or something
- pg 14: the crystal thing I don't think I have bandwidth for. I'm still struggling with the red angel and the refugees
- pg 15: Is that my lover is unleashing some sort of preliminary attack on the palace, based on how she told me there was a chance she might not be coming back.” ... <-- wait what now??
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Overall
This chapter segment dragged a bit. I think it needs some tightening and it will be fine, but there are a few places I flagged that are particularly slow. I'd have liked more large plot progression, even if just a hint. I like the emotional beats a lot but we seem to be in feast or famine more than a general integration.
As I go
- quick peer review makes my arm hair stand on end
- pg 3: this character's thought process is jumpy, but I don't think it comes off as showing his changes so much as failure to connect actions to thoughts.
- I think the first four pages need tightening. The last bit felt like the kind of skipping topics I was expecting, but before that it was deeply disjointed, which made it hard to connect to the MC while reading
- shook it out...the hand or the desk?
- hahahaha the coffee. I'm not a coffee drinker so I find this hilarious
- I think you could easily end the segway here on the coffee. The bit after it is redundant with other parts we have had already.
- pg 8: aww trios yay
- LOL kids are fungus. True
- fungus alcohol will definitely end well. Yup
- pg 14: Likely non-binary, from their clothes and appearance <-- I think we need some world building expansion here. Do they gender type by clothes? How has this culture evolved to show us gender based on clothes and appearance? Even one sentence explanation would work
- the chapter doesn't have a very strong ending. I'd like to see this MC have a exit plan for the future here. Either rally towards dating or swear off dating or something strong that will just be subverted later
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Trying to catch up
Overall
A relatively easy read and only a few comments. I'm stuck on the science aspects of this chapter. Constructing the walls from the nano material doesn't seem surprising yet inevitable, so the chapter doesn't really end strong. I think we need stronger ties to this material earlier on, or something where the fungus had put down zone lines thinking the nano stuff WAS a zone line, then the scientists sorted how to incorporate it, etc.
Anyway, good emotional resonance and plot movement. Got stuck on the science, but you've stumbled into my literal field of study so I suspect that was bound to happen. Onwards!
As I go
- the tenses in that opening sentence are rough to parse. I love the information but can it be written in a cleaner way?
- I'm not sure what the 'stationary' children are
- I like the intimate interlude we get. I'm assuming the stationary children are the vegetables??
- It’s not techni—it’s not like a mushroom on Earth. Our scientists think it’s more like the large mycelial mats that live beneath forest floors, except this is also the forest <-- suggest science edit: It's not a mushroom. Mushrooms are fruiting bodies. Earth had fungi on smaller scales, well, mostly smaller scales. At most we had country-sized mycelial mats. This is a planetary, singular entity. And it's not just under a forest floor, it is the forest!"
- pg 12: Out of nanotanium <-- I don't understand why they don't just build a wall out of melanin. Melanin, in zone lines, is a strategy fungi use to keep other fungi off their resources. It's too dense for fungal hyphae to penetrate. This would be far easier and cheaper to do (though melanin isn't structural so they'd have to pressure it into concrete or something)
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11 hours ago, Silk said:
So it looks like just @kais for Monday so far. Any other takers?
Aaaaand I probably won't be ready for Monday. The weekend got away from me. Alas!
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Welcome to the forum and congratulations on taking that first step!
Overall
Your writing is sound and grammar/syntax all work well. The work was easy to read and I appreciate that a lot. My main comment echoes @Mandamon in that this feels very generic. What makes it stand out from any other 'boy coming of age through war' story? In addition, what are the B and C plots? Why do I care about this boy, or his cause (what is his cause?) or what happens to him.
First chapters in books are tricky because you have to hook the reader and give them a reason to care about your MC while also teasing various plot threads and getting them to care about the world. We got a clear A plot (boy was stranded in battle and in peril) but that isn't really a thread that will take a whole book, I don't think. What's the larger story? And what are the several small stories that humanize the character? Why is he going to war? Who is he fighting for? Why does he need to prove himself? I think focusing on a few of these will help this chapter pack a bit more punch.
As I go
- I'm not super drawn in by that first paragraph because I don't yet care about the MC so I don't know why him being a killer is a problem. It also reads fairly generic, and I'm wondering what the twist or hook will be
- first page and I have all the same questions, including what the narrative is supposed to be
- pg 3 seems to be when the narrative arc begins
- pg 5: at this stage I would like some idea of the greater arc of the story. It's clear that this chapter will be 'young boy is thrust into battle' but what is the story arc? And why do I care about this boy or the old man? Why do I care what they are fighting for?
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Overall
This one was rougher than the previous ones. I felt like the start wasn't really contributing to the narrative, but the chapter finished strong. Maybe trimming or just cutting out some of those earlier, redundant scenes and really getting into the arm fungus? Keep that tension going up. Also can we check in soon with our sentient fungus please??
As I go
- It felt like I have recently learned that this is considered a POV slip, and that it's better to reword to something like The inside of his skin crawled
- those first two paragraphs don't have the oomph I'd like them to have. Could we maybe get a sentence or two about crawling skin then move right in?
- I kind of want this chapter to start on Light em up
- pg 2: Were the spores small enough to get through the filters? Oh my friend. You'd better believe they are
- 'sparkling explosion of sparks' reads weird
- pg 3: I feel really distant from our protagonist, almost like I'm being told things instead of experiencing them.
- pg 5: Whatever lubricated the fungal bodies <-- we should discuss
- pg 6: These six pages have felt very redundant to me. I feel like we're in the same place, narratively, as last chapter
- pg 6: fungi cannot grow on water. Or in water. They'd need to be growing on some sort of mat or something. So the river being completely clean with just fungal dust doesn't track for me
- All were made of similar hyphae <-- suggest using more specific language, like he measured skeletal hyphae diameter, etc. Are there clamp connections??? I'd assume so since it likely reproduces sexually. What shape are the spores? That's a big morphological ID characteristic. Color too, and smell.
- top of page 8: since this is hard sci fi, I'd suggest a discussion of cell walls. Animals don't have cell walls, plants do, fungi have chitinous cell walls. Maybe there is a mixture of cell wall types?
- mostly I'd say this discovery here needs SCIENCE
- Armillaria should be in italics since it's Latin
- three samples show signs of connection with each other <-- suggest instead: three samples are clamping to one another, showing genetic compatibility and sexual reproduction. This indicates at the very least, the same genus. But the sequencing shows the same species, exactly! That wouldn't happen even if I compared your sequence to mine. There's always some variation.
- pg 9: there's only one mycelium here <-- inaccurate. There's only one individual here
- pg 10: well clearly this is how Ardulum came to be. You're writing its origin story. Excellent
- pg 11: as long as our stomach acids can break down the mycelium enough to keep it from growing <-- fungi can't actually grow inside you unless you are deeply immunocompromised. Acidity is wrong, O2 levels are wrong, etc. I'd be more concerned about any weak individuals, the sporulation upon cooking, and that a smart fungus would just develop itself into a toenail fungus and slowly drive humanity bonkers. Take out one toe at a time until they couldn't walk. Laugh maniacally.
- pg 12: I feel like we are long overdue for a fungus POV
- pg 14: I like how this section starts much better than this guy's last segment.
- pg 16: grossssssssssssssssss but also I have questions because fungi are obligate aerobes so growing like this doesn't make sense. They can't grow under skin.
- yeah they will definitely have to remove that hand. But also I think you will have to add in how it was getting air. Maybe he has an open wound that won't heal, and that's how the fungus is keeping oxygen in the system?
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I'm up for this upcoming Monday, pending space
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Overall
The prologue is much improved! Still some dragging. I think it can be about half the length and then be good to go. Chapter one doesn't appear to serve a purpose other than backstory. It doesn't move the plot forward and gives us too many names and palace intrigue for a first chapter. We need more MC voice and plot movement to be invested before we get a ballroom dialogue scene.
Your writing continues to improve, and these are both miles better than the last version. Nice work
As I go
- sharp opening line and paragraph!
- I still think you need to chase that stillborn line. It's an incomplete thought. Something like: The first twin was stillborn. The second...was reluctant' or something. You have an open, dangling clause it feels like right now
- pg 2: Too much power <-- losing tension. Suggest cutting this paragraph. Get to the birth
- pg 3: cut from there to here: A mage pushing . It just drags the tension down. We want the birth!
- then cut from It would kill them all. to the 'You weren't moving.' Too much introspection between the dialogue. We need to get moving along with the plot
- then cut again until he talks about the count of twenty. Again, the plot is being held back by interiority. this is a prologue. They are meant to be snappy and entirely plot relevant. Backstory need not apply
- pg 4: then...we don't really get the birth, or drama around it. All this build up and I feel let down. I want there to be danger with the birth! Drama! Plot progression!
- prologue round up: It's a lot tighter this time! I think it could stand to lose about 3 pages, and then it would be very tight and have the right momentum to lead into chapter 1. Nice editing work. About halfway there now. Keep at it!
- pg 8: two pages into this chapter, and I'm starting to wander. I could hold it for the two pages, but I need more buy in from our MC to do much more than two pages. The little snippets of voice are great, but I need some idea why she is there and why she cares. What is her motivation and her arc?
- pg 10: because there's been too much before it, it is easy to skim over the R part, which I know is critical for later chapters. I think the chit chat in this chapter still needs to be paired down and tightened. Give us one, maybe two world building elements then move on
- pg 12: I'm skimming again. It's too many names and places and history that I don't care about because I don't care about our MC or the world yet
- pg 14: they're still just talking...
- pg 16: can they be doing something other than dancing while they talk about all these things? Or spend more time on the dance steps and have our MC also be thinking about, oh, her favorite dance partner or how her father always danced with her, etc.? Anything to give us buy-in
- chapter 1 round up: nothing happens. It's a whole chapter of talking without plot progression.
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Overall
Like the last story, there is an interesting premise here. This one needs a lot more fleshing out, however. I think you have about two pages of actual material here, and the rest is more of a writing exercise. There needs to be more world building and investment, and then less time talking and repeating things over and over. Once I get some investment and backstory in our MC, it will be a lot easier to move along with this murder mystery.
As I go
- it can also be stolen from a killer who doesn’t know about magic <-- this would be stronger without the 'who doesn't know about magic' part
- the beginning page opener is strong, but we lose momentum fast. I think pages 1-2 can easily be condensed down into one page
- pg 3: I'd like to know why she is collecting magic and/or what she does with it at this point
- pg 4: it's hard not to skim. The narrative does not appear to have direction
- pg 5: But this was worse because person had died for the sake of magic <-- I'd rather be shown this, not told
- pg 6: and it was entirely possible that one of the witches in this room was a murderer <-- huh? Why? Is this like, a witch community? If so, could we get some world building on that before they have their Magic Users Anonymous meeting here?
- pg 6: Every cell right down to the gut bacteria was dead <-- would be more powerful if we saw this right when she discovers the body. Then we wouldn't have to rehash here, either
- pg 7: I don't know who these people are and don't care about them, either. Why does everyone care so much about a dead magic body? I need more world building for this to make sense, and I'm not even vested in our MC yet. What is her purpose? What are her goals? What does she do for a job? What does she normally use her magic for?
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20 hours ago, Mandamon said:
These are all the POVs in this book (except for one very brief one near the end). This one is about 85k, and it's the first of a trilogy, so total wordcount will be about 250k or so. This is a new approach for me, and I'm replicating some of the 70's and 80's scifi I used to read, showing progression in time, or across an event.
For me, this is the only way I can handle more than two POVs. As long as the narrative is still moving at the same clip, I can take practically infinite POVs. With your love of the multi-POV story, I think this is 100% the way to go.
Overall
Interesting chapter. I'd like more intimate movements with our main two, and there are incorrect fungal spore dispersal dynamics at play. Still, I'm very engaged with the story. Carry on!
As I go
- I'd cut that first paragraph and lead with the second
- pg 3: I suppose on the bright side fewer humans means a few lost livestock don't really matter? Fewer mouths to feed?
- pg 4: I think these first four pages could be condensed to one. We keep getting casualty and loss measurements over and over. It feels like the same report
- pg 5: out of all the animals to do well with fungi, pigs would not have been top of my list. Birds tend to carry more fungi than anything else in the higher parts of the animal kingdom
- pg 7: I'd like A and D to connect a little more intimately in these scenes, to keep me connected with them
- pg 11: The attempts were rewarded with a puff of some sort of dust from the mushroom <-- A) that won't end well but B.) aren't there scientists here? Don't they know not to go into caves without respirators???
- pg 12: GAHHH MUSHROOM MOUTHES
- pg 14: He ducked without knowing why <-- ducking shouldn't matter. Spores are microscopic. Once the first thing sporulated they should have all been infected. I think you're going to have to put them into respirators and then work within the N95 versus N99 ratings to sort who dies and who doesn't. One spore is all it takes. Maybe a bunch of the N99s got crushed and so everyone but our lead had an N95 and one guy just like, a shirt over his mouth. He dies first, then the N95 wearers. Right now though the fungal physics don't work
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Overall
I completely agree with @Mandamon, so won't rehash what he has already said other than to reiterate that every chapter needs to do at least two things (three is better), and things need to happen, not just speculate. There needs to be real, tangible plot progression every chapter.
In this chapter, I think one or two pages of the catty girls and dress fitting, and then right to the Rat's Nest, where the narrative seems to promise movement. That would really get things moving along.
On 2/17/2022 at 8:32 AM, C_Vallion said:Does it need to be that blunt, though?
Sometimes, yes. You can be as subtle as you like but sometimes just hanging a lantern on something can get all the readers up to speed quickly. Harrow the Ninth does this repeatedly, since the narrative itself is so winding. Sometimes a character will just flat out give you a 'so X and Y are doing this and expect this? How silly!'
As I go
- I like a good dress fitting scene as much as the next person, but I don't think it's the best way to start off a chapter. It doesn't promise anything or build tension (outside of romance arcs, where it can be full of a different kind of tension)
- I think the first four pages could easily be condensed down to one. Catty schoolgirls being mean is a solid trope for this type of magic school setup, so it lands, but it's too long as it is since this isn't a magic school book
- page 5: too much introspection and getting backstory and plot via thought instead of action
- pg 10: your school here has all the atmosphere and description but struggles with the same long conversation and introspection that @shatteredsmooth has in their magic school. You two might want to actually be crit buddies on these, as I think comparing and contrasting would help a lot
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Overall
Some larger issues with these two chapters, highlighted below. However I think my biggest one right now is tone. The first chapter had this killer opening that seemed like it was going to blend Community, the TV show, with Harry Potter and that was freaking amazing. But instead we are getting a slow introspective piece with very little plot movement and a lot of backstory. The tones clash, and the sense of promised wonder at magic community college isn't appearing. I want to be entertained, and I feel depressed. You may need to just redo chapter 1 to reset reader expectations, which would be an easier fix than redoing the narrative to match the current ones.
I still really, really like the concept, but more as it was sold in the first page of chapter one.
As I go
- that first sentence is too long and not particularly compelling for a chapter opener
- I don't know how to react to A's internal monologue here since I don't know your plans for chapter 1. I also still think the reveal of A being A2 comes far too early, as there is no tension going into this chapter
- description of the skills center lacking the same sense of magic school wonderment we didn't get in chapter 1. I want to be brought into this world. Right now it seems just like a regular community college
- pg 2: that don’t get along <-- random tense change
- still not clear what SO66 is
- we don't start narrative progression until page 3. It's all interior thinking up to then. Suggest cutting, as this is only chapter two and we need to establish buy in before we get bogged down in interior thoughts
- pg 3 then ends up being more interior thoughts
- pg 4: Until J walked over: is this where the narrative starts? Maybe start here
- pg 6: very little is happening in these pages. It seems like the arc of this chapter is our MC meeting J and having feelings. I think up to page six here could have been accomplished in one, maybe two pages
- pg 9: this is too much backstory for chapter two. I don't care about either of these characters yet so the backstory just doesn't land. I'd like to see more plot progression and actually get a feel for where the narrative is trying to take us before getting backstory
- Chapter 2 thoughts: chapter two, I think, can be cut entirely. I think it was a good chance for you to sort out backstory and character work, but now it needs to be condensed into maybe a page of snippets and woven back into chapters that move the plot forward
- chapter 3's opening sentence is also not dynamic
- pg 14: no plot progression through here, either, just the spouses debriefing. But we already know all the information they are providing
- pg 15: the meat of the plot and chapter arc is here in these pages, but out of all the backstory we've been given, I don't feel prepared for what they are planning. I also do not yet care about A. I think the issue is that I've been told a lot, and give a ton of backstory in a short space. I haven't had time to live with A, and their struggles, and really get a feel for the character and why I should care about their community college woes.
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Overall
Progressing along in mostly all the right directions. I'd say what's missing at this stage is at least one identified main character set, and the 'home life' setting for them. In most hard science I read, even ones with large POV casts, we still get one person (or couple) to touchpoint back to most chapters. And with that person (or couple) we get a few intimate scenes per beat to keep us grounded in the humanity. All the surrounding elements are here, but the intimate moments part is missing. I think if you can add that in, it'll be darn near perfect.
As I go
- pg 2: I think this is the first time they've identified the mass as a 'fungus.' It's a big jump to me, because before they were calling it a 'vegetative mass' and vegetative, to me, says plant, not fungus
- pg 4: Ever since he’d been thawed out like some half-forgotten turkey in the bottom of the freezer <-- I love this line!
- pg 4: Here, we’re going to fight fungus with fire <-- okay do these people not know how fungi work? This is a terrible idea
- pg 5: haaaaaaaah the nail polish
- pg 7: It wasn’t horrible, but it was a musty, funky smell, like she’d stirred up layers of rotten leaves and detritus on the forest floo <-- since we are discussing an entire kingdom here, it's worth noting that many fungi have very unique smells. I think this is a missed opportunity to work with some of the more unique smells. Like there are some Ceratocystis fungi that smell like fresh cut apples
- pg 7: and fungal caps piled on one another <-- huh? This doesn't make sense. Why are the very limited to one type of fungus-spore dispersal mechanisms piled up?
- that first paragraph on page 14 kills the tension and I think it should go. This is also an excellent place for a chapter break. Keeps tension high
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Overall
I like the concept here, particularly the community college aspect of magic school. However I think the pacing is too slow (we don't get to the inciting incident until the last page) and there's a lot of fluff. There's also a loss of wonder in the middle sections that would be so much more engaging with a bit of 'thickening' (suggestions below).
I think if you cut most of the middle stuff, moved up those 'previous chosen one' section, then had A teach (horribly, or with Plot Movement) and then flee the class and meet the dean, that would work. However I'm not sure having A's background revealed in chapter 1 is the way to go. I'd rather see them struggle with this for a few chapters, or have it be the start of the second act. It creates tension, knowing they are trying to keep their identity a secret, and then that tension is gone by the end of chapter 1.
TLDR: restructuring!
As I go
- the first eight lines are amazing. The next bit steals their thunder. I'd suggest making line nine a zinger, like Poor people didn't go to those magical schools. Something to really cinch what you're trying to say. you set up a one-two punch sort of thing, then didn't deliver the second beat
- pg 1: so this is community college magic school and I think it'd be cool to hang a lantern on that. Directly. The MC is hedging around it and not being clear, and so you're losing the momentum from the great opening
- pg 3: I think you've missed an opportunity to put the magical into this magical community college. As you describe the old building, it'd be nice to get bits of magic info, too. Streamers left up too long and the spell was half degraded and they dangled at head height. Old wizard portraits on the wall, not a single witch, etc. Because by page three there's no magic anymore, just an old community college.
- pg 4: I'm bummed this isn't doesn't seem to be about a community college magic school and more about Al being an undercover super magician etc.
- pg 5: too much political background through here for a world I don't yet care about. Too much talking. I need something concrete to sink my teeth into, and there isn't yet an inciting incident, either
- pg 6: all it required was touching the charm already programed into a dry erase marker. <-- I want more of this type of thing!
- pg 9: really was just A and wasn’t trying to hide the fact that they were a ridiculously over powered burnt-out former teenage chosen one, they would’ve taken some anxiety potion and driven students, because SO66 did need to be protested. . <-- okay this needs to be on page one or two. Here is the buy-in I needed post community college magic school start. This is why I care about A, and makes me want to understand SO66, instead of skimming over it as marginally relevant chitchat for a plot that hasn't started yet
- and then the paragraph after it is also good and needs to be in those first two pages. It's background motivation for A
- pg 10: gets repetitive. We already know this.
- pg 13: identity revealed, but not in a build up sort of way
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Overall
Because your writing seems to primarily move through dialogue, I think you should consider writing entirely in epistolary style. You could then tell the story in memories and emotions and move the plot that way, which seems to be almost what you're trying to do, but through dialogue. As it stands now the format just isn't working. We keep being told about things but never getting to see them and that makes the reader feel really removed from the story.
We got about a page of plot total in this chapter, and it didn't move the plot so much as explain the theory of the plot. I'm still not sure what the inciting incident is, and from the writing you may not be sure, either. Might be time to go through and figure out where the plot movement actually starts, make that chapter one, and go from there.
16 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:Do you think there's an interesting story here with S and Z's dynamic as the central focus and the rest of the themes/subplots branching off it?
Not as it stands, no. I need more concrete details. Less talking and more experiencing. If you really do want it to just be S and Z, then again, I think epistolary is the way to go. See The Tiger's Daughter for a modern take on this style. An older comp would be Dear Mr. Henshaw (middle grade, but a good example nonetheless).
As I go
- that first sentence is way too long and needs to be cut down
- I'm not sure what purpose the first page served
- pg 3: this interlude up through the top of page three doesn't seem to really add anything to the narrative. If it's a character building exercise, it should be much shorter and have a clear arc. It doesn't arc, so I don't see what it contributes to the plot
- pg 4: more talking about events and people and not actually getting to see them do anything
- pg 6: they're still just talking
- the memory on page 7 is very engaging and is the first time I've connected with a character
- the bottom of page 10 is a nice way to introduce ace/aro into the narrative
- pg 13: too much interiority through here. The plot is not moving
- pg 14: here is the plot finally
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Overall
The frequent addition of the planet-fungus POV is excellent and keeps things moving. I love this thus far and have only a few minor quibbles, as noted below. I did have some skimming in select parts of the admin maneuvering, but mostly this was all perfectly entertaining and great hard sci fi set ups. Tension is solid and I'd have a hard time putting this book down now--which is saying a lot since we don't have a couple for me to ship yet.
As I go
- that first sentence is hard to parse due to how its constructed. I had to read it a few times. Might shorten to make it land easier the first time
- pg2: It has been over four hundred years for them <-- I was expecting this to be followed with an empathy statement. It isn't, which makes me wonder what purpose it serves
- pg 5: I was engaged until the end of this page. Now the political maneuvering is giving me eye glaze. This is, however, likely a me thing as I dislike political discourse (when reading)
- pg 6 I was engaged again
- pg 7: I went glazed again
- the alien lifeform section was fantastic
- pg 11: mycelial kingdom: It's the Kingdom of Fungi. Mycelium is one small part of the growing structure. This is like saying 'root kingdom' to talk about plants
- pg 12: especially since you still use 'animal kingdom' and haven't changed it to like, 'bone kingdom' or something
- pg 16: Some pockets with sensing structures were abandoned, left to function independently for the first time in eons <----oooh I like this!
- solid ending
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11 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:
That does sound like fun! I think I can roll with that... if I get the proper hints here so that the surprise isn't jarring (and so that I'm interested enough to get there). I think the defining sentences you mentioned should help, and I think the bits of science expertise that are shown off here (such as her recognizing that the wood is artificial) do also help. Any chance we could get more of that in the background we get in the first couple of pages? Because while I don't think I need to know exactly what's serious and what's not, I think I do need to trust that the story has something up its sleeve so far as the science is concerned. Which I'm sure it does as someone who knows that you're an experienced scientist, but if I picked this up not knowing who you are I might not be so sure.
I've done this now with the first page. D goes over a recent case and discusses the science involved. I think it will solve both this issue and a similar issue @Silk brought up. It's a solid edit so thank you. I think it will help ground the book as one foot in science, one foot in silly. But sometimes silly is the only way to deliver palatable science.
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Chapter 2, and the last chapter I’ll submit before this heads to my agent to see if he wants to green light the rest or not. Any and all comments welcome, even if lesbian dildo detectives isn’t your genre.
V for implied violence (this is a PI who solves sex crimes)
L not so much for cursing, but because I use the anatomically correct names for genitals
S because sex is talked about pretty constantly
My goal is a noir feel clearly updated for modern times, with lesbian thematic elements. Also hard wood science. You’re going to learn something while we talk about sex toys. Mostly, I hope it will make you laugh.0
4.4.2022 - C_Vallion - Price of Peace - Chapter 22 - RevaA - (L, G) - 4200 Words
in Reading Excuses
Posted
Overall
Some interesting points in this chapter, but it lags in places, too. In @Mandamon's quote above, he really nails the issues I had, too. The good parts, the tension parts, are saturated in fluff. Once those get trimmed back I think this will be an interesting chapter
As I go
- I'm enjoying the darts and grandfather portrait scene
- pg 6: I don't understand what is going on
- pg 8: slow going through here. The grandfather portrait revelation was good, as was how it got there, but there's a lot of filler in between
- pg 12: I'm interested in the poisoning and the friends/enemies, not so much our MC. We're pretty far into the book for her to still be doing the 'poor me' thing
- would be better to end on what the news is, instead of just saying there is news.