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kais

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Posts posted by kais

  1. Overall

    There's the makings of a solid arc, good characterization, and pacing. I hate reading MG, unfortunately, so the MC's tone just bugs me. I think we should sit down and really talk about fungi, too, because it seems like you are blending two phylums together and they are too far apart evolutionarily to do that, leading to my complete inability to suspend disbelief about god-spores (mycologists should not read mycology SF). But the story has great bones and seems perfect for MG fiction

     

    As I go

    - pg 1: I don’t have to pay attention to or obey anyone <-- this sentence is super awkward

    - pg 1: what is a 'squarish'?

    What if there are spores? <-- I feel like any child of a mycologist parent would know better than this.

    - pg 2: while this MC's voice isn't as whiny woe-is-me as the last one we read, it's still grating

    - pg 3: Like Medusa, they’ve turned me into stone <-- this is a great line!

    - pg 3: you want the name of a mychorrizal fungus that causes human skin allergies for this?

    - top of page 5: I realize this is probably very authentic, but the kid's voice is such a turn off. This is why I don't read MG. 

    - pg 6: is the brain eating fungi planet different than the talking tree planet? Because codycepts are not related to mychorrizal fungi (neither of which I can spell properly and can't be buggered to look up)

    - pg 7: Mom has already eaten my tree <-- did you mean mom has already BEEN EATEN BY a tree?

    - pg 7: But anyone can walk in her <-- missing an 'e' on here

    - pls 8-9: the narrative really slows through here. There is a lot of redundancy (thinking something then talking about it out loud), internal dithering (everything is going to be okay let me tell you why via internal dialogue). Some strong cutting would help a lot

    - pg 12: I feel like this is a missed opportunity to threaten W with killer fungi spores in his coffee or something

    - pg 14: wait, what antidote? What are we talking about here???

    - pg 14: Does the tree really have the sentience to act out and harm the village <-- there's sufficient evidence that trees on Earth have sentience, so this sentence makes the piece seem less sci fi

    but the fungus and its God-spores can make people do bad things. <-- so this is some weird combo of cordcepts and mycohrrizal. We should talk fungal biology because right now the science doesn't hold, even for sci fi

    - pg 14:  Often, the primary host is seen as some kind of deity or supreme leader.” <--- this is my 'failure to suspend belief' face. 

    - pg 15: ah, here's the fungus threat. Seems like it should have come earlier

     

  2. Overall

    Great conversation with the tear, though some inconsistencies. I was very confused by the end and what the arc was to this chapter. Why is she in more trouble now that before she got sucked into the tear? Because she screwed up her speech to the tentacle things? While I am very engaged with E as a character, the worldbuildng remains fairly elusive to me. I'm trying to get a better grip on it but it seems too shallow in places. I need to understand more of the stakes I think--the stakes of the world. I get E's goals more or less, but the greater world I am still trying to get ahold of.

     

    12 hours ago, Robinski said:

    If they have freed the galaxy from a tyrant, won't everyone be delighted?

    Also my question

    12 hours ago, Robinski said:

    the political setup up is confused. If I don't understand who is on what side, and whose influence is where and who controls what, it's pretty much impossible (IMO) to follow the political machinations around this rebellion. The political setup is confusing, and I am forced to ask myself (based on what I've read) if the author knows enough about politics in the real world, and in history, to handle the complexities running through the story.

    Same issue again. I need more information on the world, delivered organically through actions so I can really get a foothold.

     

    As I go

    she gasped at the sudden change <--- what change? Nothing has been described as a change

    - I think it's weird that she knows what the god's tear feels like. This is her first experience with it, right?

    - pg 3: I'm enjoying the interplay with the tear

    - pg 3: why is it showing her the way out when she only asked? Didn't the tear just get done saying she had to command it to get it to do anything? I liked that bit. So to have it circumvented without even working for it seemed cheap

    - first paragraph of pg 4: there are a ton of words in this paragraph I don't know and its super confusing

     

  3. 1 hour ago, C_Vallion said:

    As a general question, how do people generally do revisions if they're working through submitting a longer work over time?  As relevant to this, specifically, would a general recommendation be to get details here nailed down and clear or submit chapter 1 in one of the next few weeks while I'm working on adjusting this?

    Personally, I will sub my first chapter or first few chapters several times. Getting that intro right is so important to give people a grounding in your world. After that, I tend to not resubmit edited chapters, just edit as I go and keep subbing. But I've been known to put through a chapter one like five times. But again, that's just me, and others do things differently. 

    For your work specifically, since there is some pretty hard bouncing off this prologue, I'd do edits and do at least one more sub before moving on. Otherwise you'll find we keep bouncing off the same problems over and over--because you may have fixed them in your draft, but unless we see those fixes, they don't exist to us.

  4. Overall

    I had a few key issues with this. The first few are pretty standard - not having character buy-in so not caring if our lead lives or dies. Not understanding or being vested in the stakes so not caring about the battle. My biggest complaint is how our lead speaks to A. It's clearly gendered, the way he interacts with her. As an exercise, you might change A to a man and keep the dialogue the same, and see how it sounds to you--I suspect it will make your lead sound gay, potentially also patronizing. Still, these are all pretty simple fixes and I think a few more rounds of editing might clear them right up.

    20 hours ago, sniperfrog said:
    Combat is a place that I am looking to improve. Let me know if things are too hectic or hard to follow. I want there to be brutal fighting, so I am trying to convey that. 
     
    My tone could also use some work. Let me know what sort of vibes you guys get off the tone here, so I can make adjustments accordingly. 
     
    Dialogue is hard, and I am really bad at it. I have made several changes to dialogue in this section, but I'm still unsure of myself. Let me know how the dialogue flows here and if it feels natural.
     
    Last is Ch's Blade, V. I want to know how you feel about his interactions with the Blade and whether or not this works the way I want it to. Blades are not meant to be living entities (i.e. Shardblades), but they do have a bit of sentience in them. Like a more abstract personality.

    Combat - As I did not have investment in the world stakes or our lead character, all the combat was just white noise to me. I skimmed, mostly. You can get away with very little combat writing if the reader cares about the world and the characters, so I'd recommend working on those, not the actual fighting

    Tone - I don't get a strong voice anywhere. You could try modeling the characters after real life people and copy how those people speak. That might help them define more. Also I did not like how A was spoken to, and have discussed that in other places.

    Dialogue  -yeah, it got over the top in places. I'd suggest reading the text out loud to yourself. If you sound like a Marvel movie, you're going in the wrong direction

    Blade -  I don't care about the blade because I don't care about the character. Once I care about the character, I will likely care more about his weaponry.

     

    As I go

    - pg 1: did you intend for us to get a Christian vibe early on with the crucifixions?

    - pg 1: had been a pitiful wretch <-- this really struck me the wrong way. I know the narrator then says he was the same, but it just...it reads more like male gaze though I can't put my finger on why. It seems infantilizing I think, and superior, especially if he was the same. It doesn't get better with the next paragraph. It still comes out like she was this poor pathetic thing that he deigned to give a chance to and she rose above her station despite her background

    - pg 3: Now where did A get to? <-- This is still giving me that same vibe, above. Is she his pet? His child? Does he actually trust her to handle things as his second? If so, why berate her, even mentally?

    - pg 5: so at this stage I'm bouncing pretty hard off our lead, and the battle with the woman didn't have any real tension for me because A) I don't care about the lead and B.) I'm confused as to the stakes and goals

    - pg 8: will not be cowed. If you want me then come get me. I’ll skewer ... <-- this is very melodramatic. I laughed

    - pg 9: the dude posturing through here is continuing to make me laugh, and occasionally roll my eyes

    - pg 10: going into this battle, I still don't care about our major players and the stakes for why they are fighting are dim at best for me. So I have no investment in the battle

    - pg 12: What would I do without you<--- not have a nursemaid, I feel like. 

  5. Congrats on your first sub! Always exciting to read new work

    Overall

    The prologue struggled with pacing primarily. There are pages and pages of filler and about four pages of actual events and action. I'd suggest cutting this way down, removing 50% or more of the chatting while nothing is happening, to focus on the characters and world building. I don't get any tension from the collapse as I don't know how it affects the world and I don't know anything about the characters. I also do not know anything about our main character, so he comes across as a narrator voice more than anything, just watching world events happen but not driving them.

    It's very prologue-esque, so that's good, but I think making it shorter and more concrete, with a more defined arc, would help a lot.

     

    15 minutes ago, Robinski said:

    Also, I'm getting confused by the various characters being mentioned and what was going on at the time. I'm waiting for be shown clearly what the situation is, but each time I think I'm getting close to that, another character appears, or is mentioned, and I've got more strands to contend with, without knowing where they're running, as it were.

    This was also my issue. In fact after reading @Robinski's summary, I 100% agree with all the points he made. Pacing, buy-in, arc, all were major issues for me. But the writing style is smooth and clean, and that is fantastic.

    As I go

    - pg 3: Okay...its a prologue and the start of a book so I'm willing to deal with some disorientation. However by page three I consider myself lost. There was a collapse and a duke, a pregnant woman, and a midwife are all potential casualties. Our protagonist had a bum arm that is now healed and there's a weird sphere thing that is crying? I'm really lost as to setting and goals right now. I need more grounding in our protag, I think, and the world. Not a ton, but a sentence or two so I'm not so unmoored right now

    - pg 4: It would help if I cared about the duke et al., I think. Since I don't know them and don't care about them, being trapped under rubble isn't doing much for me in terms of tension

    - pg 5: why is everyone concerned about the midwife and not the pregnant woman she'd be attending? Or is there just a random midwife and no pregnancy?

    - pg 6: they are still just discussing and marginally moving things around. I think you have several pages in here that can easily be cut out. 

    - pg 8: What happened, Your Grace... We could very easily go from page one to here without any issue. Have the inciting incident, have our protagonist pull out the duke, then get back into the plot

    - pg 10: okay here we are getting the information we needed on page one or two, about the cause of the accident and the players. This needs to come much earlier

     pg 13: the only description we get of people is if they have blonde hair. This is very strange. Does no one else have hair?

    - pg 14: The narrative appears to be wandering again. We now know they why and the how, so what is left in this arc?

     

  6. Violence! Gore! Yay!

    Overall

    Some good action in here! A few beats seemed unfinished, and I had some motivation issues, detailed below. This is a strong installment towards the end, but I still think TBK is just generally a pretty decent fellow, and I is just super naive, so I still struggle with her choices and how she sees him.

     

    7 hours ago, Robinski said:

    Very powerful, emotional and well-handled chapter, IMO. Sure, there are some irksome details, but the emotional punch is quite something. I would say that your story has had a lot of heart from the beginning, but this is some real, heart-wrenching tragedy. A lot of stories have violence, battle, death, but where they fall down (IMO) is that they don't do enough to bring home in the cost of loss and death.

    I agree with this completely, and was thinking the same thing. So often we get battles and cheap death, but here we are invested in the characters so the one death we get has so much more power. The emotional resonance here was very well done!

     

    As I go

    - As an intro sentence, this one doesn't do much for me. It makes me think of boredom, and starting off chapters with boredom makes me, the reader, bored

    - I don't understand why he would think she betrayed him. Literally nothing in her actions would lead anyone to that. Why would she come running in to the palace, get herself arrested, etc., just to betray him? The logic is off here. She has consistently been portrayed as eager, honest, and naive. TBK has been portrayed as understanding this and using it to his advantage but also mentoring her. He has never been portrayed, IMO, as paranoid, and I is just so earnest. So this section rings really false for me.

    - pg 4: Whatever secret passage there was had just been breached <--- bah. I want specifics! What secret passage! Let's have more of this in earlier chapters. Maybe one of those wandering chapters, I can wander off and find it! And then later she offhandedly mentions it to her sister like wow did I get LOST today! and then her sister uses it to come get TBK and BOOM. SHE HAS BETRAYED THE KING which would make this a LOT more powerful

    - pg 5: The Revolutionaries main goal must ... we know this already. This paragraph can be deleted

    - pg 6: motivation issue. Why is she not more concerned about keeping her sister from killing TBK? It's like she doesn't think her sister can do it. She's so concerned with saving her sister, which I get, but has she gained nothing working with TBK all this time? I'd like to see more emotional pull here, between the two. A tug of war. I want to see that I has grown as a person, not that she keeps choosing what she knows, over and over. If her experiences haven't changed her, why did we read this book? Where is the arc!!

    - pg 8: lot of 'crazy' 'idiot' and 'stupid' in these chapters recently. Keep in mind, when submission to agents and stuff comes, you'll want to replace these words. There's a big movement to pull abelism out of name calling.

    - pg 10: good tension through here, though I'd like more when TBK finds her. Because right now he's still just... generally a pretty nice guy. 

    - was hoping for a sister reckoning at the end here. The arc does not feel complete, more like 75%

  7. General Thoughts

    I didn't have any real line by line thoughts. It flowed fairly well and had some great human touches and voice. I think the part where they talk about how humans versus aliens smell could be cut to keep the flow going. The ending...there was a lot of great build up and I felt let down by the ending. I think it lacked punch. It probably just needs a bit more emotional resonance, or maybe something a bit more...hmmm, like ah hah!

    I did not get the symbolism of the peonies at all. I was much more interested in Myrtle and her emotional evolution, and was waiting for her to be more proactive with family about the peonies. I was also hoping the plant tech would give her a bit more to go on. 

    I think with some tweaks this would be a great flash piece. There are definitely areas that can be cut, where the narrative wanders, and I think the end could be tighter. Her taking a red flower back was a nice touch, and I'd like to see more emotions tied to that, I think.

    Nice work, and nice first sub! 

  8. 5 hours ago, Sarah B said:

    A question for all the multi-drafters out there who don't mind sharing their process:

    How do you start a radically new draft that still needs to hit roughly the same beats?

    Do you re-read the old draft before starting each section of the new, keep them side by side on screen, or reverse outline?

    Or options d-z? 

    Any advice/tips are appreciated :-) 

    I go through about eight drafts before my manuscript is ready for my agent. Every time I start a new draft I copy the old one, rename it, and edit the document directly. That way the bones don't move too much. Plus I have the old draft still in the previous file so if I make a mistake I later want to undo, I still have the last version. 

  9. Overall

    This is a super traditional and appropriately short prologue. Hence, I'm for it! (I know, I know, shocking!). There was some redundancy of words, some typos, and general wordiness, but that's all small potatoes editing stuff you can fix whenever. I think my only real hang up was the motivation for the captain to go alone into the wreckage. I think I need a touch more emotional connection to him/backstory (maybe just a paragraph) so I can understand why he's going alone into this particularly dangerous situation.

    100% here for the sentient ship lady and her purple veins. That's a pretty visual and has a lot of potential for growth. I love the steampunk vibe and I adore air ships. If I caught this in a bookstore I'd likely just buy it after the prologue and take it home with high hopes. Nicely done!

     

    As I go

    - pg 1: redundancy on 'air' there in that first sentence. it's also fairly long so shortening it might give it more of that opening line punch

    - I'm a big fan of air ships so the first paragraph has me well hooked

    - some wordiness through here. I think an out-loud reading pass would clear it up

    - pg 2: it's a little bit slow with the introspection, but as it is a prologue to a traditional fantasy, I think it's about right

    - pg 4: was no strange <-- should be strangeR I believe

    - pg 4: typos sprinkled about so I'll stop commenting on them. Should be easy to clear up with another pass

    - pg 5: Are you old enough to have watched the classically 90s TV scifi Time Trax? Because I am getting a vibe (it was a favorite of mine)

    - pg 7: I'm struggling with his motivation to go alone into the broken machine. I know we had the whole Pandora thing, but this just seems foolhardy. I think I could use maybe...like a memory or something? Some bigger push that drives him to make these Goonies-type wanderings

    - I really enjoy those last words

  10. Overall

    I interacts with the plot! Behold! The second interlude was generally great and I was very engaged. The first...Sue is just all over the place with character and emotion and I can't get a decent grasp of her. I see others have had the same issue so I won't belabor it. I can see you're doing a lot of work to arc the chapters and keep the pacing going so very well done!

     

    As I go

    - pg 1: Except the sister <-- this is more of that redundant interior thought that could be cut to speed up the narrative

    - pg 2: wrung her hands <-- why? Wasn't she enraged with her earlier? Who is this character?

    - pg 3: Sue quiet is weird

    - pg 4: oh here is regular Sue

    - pg 5: no, wait, now calm Sue is back. What is going on? Also this is the same argument they've had a zillion times. I don't want to read it again. One of them or both need to evolve

    - I do like the end to that little interlude!

    - pg 7: They were going to attack the palace <-- this is a lot of conjecture on our lead's part. She just leaps to all these conclusions and I don't feel like they're supported by the narrative. The actions could be better back seeded into her and her sister's conversation, so the reader gets that something is about to happen and once the lock in does happen, can go AH. That's what that was about!

    - pg 12: good action from pas 7 to 12, and good movement and engagement with the plot. The end leaves something to be desired I feel, and that last line isn't very powerful. At this stage in the book the stakes should keep raising, so I was waiting for something else to happen to her while she was in prison 

  11. Glad to read another draft of this!

    Overall

    Oh wow, much improved! This is by far one of the fastest and strongest edits I've seen on the forum from a new writer. Well done! Some quibbles below, and I still don't like the tone of the dead god, but I think this has real promise and I look forward to watching it grow.

     

    As I go

    - this first page is pretty solid. Strong start and good hook. Much better this time around for sure!

    - pg 2: “Jeshu Kris, he’s alive <-- is this supposed to make the reader think of Jesus Christ?

    - pg 2: if my government had just been overthrown and people were trying to steal some magical artifact of mine, I'd have much stronger words than 'you idiots.' The guy is supposed to be dying or at least damaged. I want some emotion in his words, some power because he's apparently been used to wielding it. Some passion.

    - pg 2: the continued idiot name calling makes everyone seem like they are in junior high school. it works for our protagonist because she reads young but the god shouldn't be so juvenile

    - pg 3: She glared down at him. This would be more powerful if she didn't respond and let him threaten. her response is more info dump and just ages her down again. She defeated him. Just shut up and wait for the whatever to arrive so they can penetrate his force field and do the killing blow

    - pg 3: How do you know that? <-- I'd prefer if she just shot him here. It'd be a great moment after he was so sure she wouldn't kill him. Then all the rest of the dialogue could be a weird magic echo or something that only she can hear and further erodes her self esteem

     pg 4: What, no witty retort, human?” He asked. <-- juvenile. I can't take him seriously as a threat or a god when he talks like this

    - chapter 1 end: great edits! It reads much more smoothly now. Just a few hiccups but really, I thought this was very solid. I'd definitely keep reading if I picked this up in a bookstore. Nicely done!

    - pg 5: But he would have to admit that even the most merciful of gods could destroy a demon.<-- I don't understand this line. Is there a typo in it??

    - pg 7: I'm not certain what that first little interlude in chapter two accomplished. It had a bit of key information but I think all of that could be mashed into one powerful paragraph, which would keep the momentum going

    - reading on to the second interlude in chapter two, I think this would be a much better start to the chapter.

    - pg 9: sat back, thinking... I was on board with the committee meeting infodump because of the amusing attempts to take the tear from E. Starting here, where E turns introspective, it's too much information. I don't want more backstory at this stage, I want to see them fail to take the tear from her with tongs. E is kind of irreverent and it's her actions that tie the plot right now so I want to watch her interact with it, not listen to a committee meeting

    - pg 10: She wanted to do something <--- yes please

    - pg 10: Suddenly, she was someplace else. <-- this has a lot of potential but is too vague. 'Sometimes', 'somewhere', 'someplace' are all very vague words that don't give us any information. It's a lot more powerful to give concrete information. "Suddenly, she was face down in a bog.' or 'Suddenly, she was starting at a giant jellyfish, her lungs burning for air.'

  12. This is a double slot (approved by the mod), so know that going in this is just over 9K words

    FORGET EVERYTHING you already read. There was too steep a learning curve so I’ve gone and changed up the prologue entirely. It’s now a 9K word short, previously published on my Patreon, which was part of a little mini series I did to bridge the first trilogy into the second. I think including it at the start of this book will help a ton, since it’s a prequel to the first trilogy and does a lot of native worldbuilding. 

    Anything and everything is game, but I am particularly interested in if this gives you a solid grounding in the world without overwhelming, and if you would keep reading to the first chapter. If you’re an old reader, is this an interesting start? It should be new information, so is the voice consistent from previous books?

    Thank you for sticking with this as I try to get a more solid start to the book. Turns out book five in a series is surprisingly hard to write.

  13. Overall

    Going to assume you know the drill by now so I won't belabor it. No chapter arc, I being passive with the plot, too much internal musing and recap and not much, really no, action (emotional or physical). Even TBK is fairly passive in this chapter. I agree (unsurprisingly) with @Mandamon that the useful bits could be snipped out and put into other chapters easily. It's also very anticlimactic after the last sub, when we got to see I really do things!

     

    As I go

    - that is a very long first sentence. Shortening it will give it more impact

    - pg 1: on behalf of cottonwoods everywhere, I object to them being called lazy

    - up to the break on page two - this is all recap and could very easily be cut. It doesn't advance the narrative and doesn't give any new information

    - firs paragraph of TBK gives us all the info of the first interlude. Definitely cut it. Also once again TBK interacts with the plot and drives it, and I just...exists

    - pg 4: I'd have preferred to get the information on why I is the best name-knower organically, through dialogue or during another scene where we catch snippets of it while other action is happening. Getting it in internal thoughts of things past is very passive

    - pg 4-6: do not appear to advance anything and could easily be cut

    - pg 10 seems to be where I begins to actually interact with the plot for the first time this chapter

     

  14. New work! Yay! You know, these little writing exercises can spawn some of the best stories. @Robinski did one following a Writing Excuses prompt and it spawned a whole book series!

    Overall

    I think this is a good starting sketch, and has a lot of material to work with. The pacing is really slow, and I think pivotal plot elements need to be brought out earlier (like the god tear). More specific comments below. The first segment had a good arc. I didn't get any really distinct voices but that's likely because I wasn't connecting with any of the characters. We have our BIG goal (DEMOCRACY) so now you just need the personal stakes and sub-goals, to make this a really dynamic chapter. I don't think it will take a whole ton of editing to get it there, so nice work on the draft.

    As I go

    - strong first line. I'm interested

    - pg 1: She silently thanked each god ...<-- the impact of those first few awesome lines fades hard at this point. The pacing was great and then it just sort of got bogged down. 

    You haven't won yet <-- super cliche. I'd be more fun if they saw the emperor's body first, maybe kicked it a few times. Had a drink, then the emperor groaned and they were all, OH NOES! (and then maybe someone got bludgeoned to death??)

    - why is E arguing with him? Why not just bash his crystal face in and be done?

    - pg 2: He is muting my powers <-- wait what now? I'm confused. I think we've got a lot of light worldbuilding elements all thrown in together now, with not enough time with each one to figure out what it means. Suggest instead giving each worldbuilding item the time it needs to shine, so we can incorporate it into our reader heads before moving on.

    - pg 2: She pulled out her knife <-- why has it taken this long?

    - I think all this chit chat from pages 1-2 could be condensed into a few paragraphs, wherein they just knife the emperor after her starts maniacally babbling. It would keep the tension going and not bog us down in so much evil villain mustachio twirling

    - pg 3 is far too late to dismember the emperor (things said only in writing forums)

    - pg 6: The battle is now officially over <-- I thought it was over from line one. This makes me feel like we could cut everything and start here

    - pg 6: She was not the only leader <-- would prefer this earlier, as it gives the reader some grounding. Still looking for the conflict arc though. Her goal is to install a democracy, check. But what are the stakes? What's in it for her, personally? Why should we care about her or her democracy?

    - pg 8: I'm adrift. So many new characters and I still don't really understand the world as much as I would like. Still searching for the through line for our main character, who I am genuinely curious about

    - pg 8: the god tear is particularly interesting. I think a bit more about it early, and focusing the plot more specifically around it (or personal stakes/wants for our MC) would be a good hook

     

  15. Overall

    Well it has a strong voice, which is good. I greatly dislike the main character, but the voice is strong. My main question is, what is the arc? Is the whole point of the story to get our MC a kiss? I thought we had something cool with the stowaway but that fizzled out. What is the purpose of the story? What was it supposed to achieve? I feel at a loss here. I'd much prefer we start with a little bit of feelings that lead to the stowaway info, then we get a small adventure that ends with a kiss. That would be sweet and fun.

     

    As I go

    - pg 1: well there's a strong voice for sure. The issue is that I don't care for said voice at all. It seems too self absorbed and deeply unlikable. The first few paragraphs give me strong feelings, but they're more 'I don't want to read about this kid's whining.'

    - pg 1: the sentence that starts with 'JJ...' needs more of an intro I think. Even something like 'I'm JJ...' I had to reread a few times to figure out what was going on

    - pg 2: I try to find their eyes...<-- we already covered this

    - pg 3: getting antsy. There doesn't seem to be any plot. Just two whiny teenagers (this is why I don't read YA and MG, for reference. I didn't like being a teen even when I was one. I was a terrible teen.)

    - pg 3: this kid's constant mental stream about being an X-hole (lets see if the Shard lets that one through) makes me want to slap them. If you don't like who you are, do something to change it. Just stop whining. (also I have a six year old so my tolerance for whining is -17)

    - pg 4: passing my yearning lips <-- you've nailed voice though. So many of the thoughts are dramatically overwritten, which is so appropriate for the age.

    - pg 4: We have a stowaway...<---here's where the story starts. Suggest starting just before this and cutting the endless inner whining. It can be worked in better in a showing sense, as the two interact

    - pg 4: fungal forests ... are they working with weird space fungi? Because forests are never just fungal. 

    - pg 5: was convinced I was allergic to one of her experiments. <-- this would be funnier if you picked a genus. '...was convinced I was allergic to her pet Cladosporium. or something

     

  16. Thanks everyone! Looks like the main issue is the same across all crits - we don't know enough about A and E to get on board with the pressure G4 is putting on her. This is a BIG MOMENT for A, series wide, but without the backstory, readers don't get the arc at all. 

    Current plan is to scrap this chapter, or at least move it to more midway through the book. Chapter 1 is going to be a G4 chapter now, and i think we will alternate S and G4 for a few chapters, until the worldbuilding is more grounded. 

    Thank you for the help getting this more streamlined! Now I'm off to edits. Be back in a few weeks.

  17. On 12/10/2020 at 2:47 PM, Silk said:

    is… is S a bit of a xenophobe?

    I'd say yes, in as much as any Ard is. But also that's the species marker I use for subspecies versus the 'pure' Ard species. As long as it isn't too trippy, I think it'll stay in.

    On 12/10/2020 at 2:47 PM, Silk said:

    Should I have assumed this was code for drugs?

    LOL no drugs, sorry! I've edited

    On 12/10/2020 at 2:47 PM, Silk said:

    how much do we actually need the information we got? 

    Unfortunately the answer is 'you need it all,' but clearly it needs to be presented in a different way. The info dumps in the prologue it appears, were not enough to launch us to chapter one. Which means I need to install more backstory before we get to (what was) the major movement chapter. I think this just means A and E can't appear for a number of chapters, as I'll have to reintroduce the world via new/side characters to get readers up to speed.

    How the heck do people write extended series with the same lead characters??

    Thank you @Silk! Good edits! The prologue is a lot tighter now for sure.

     

    On 12/11/2020 at 5:21 PM, Ace of Hearts said:

    what would help me the most is putting A and E in the emotional spotlight of S's mind.

    This is a great idea! I think I'll have to move A&E back a few chapters though, because it looks like there is too much world to cover, first.

    On 12/12/2020 at 1:44 AM, Robinski said:

    my brain goes straights to memories of Dublin WorldCon, which is nice

    WE WILL DRINK WHISKEY/WHISKY AGAIN, SIR (though by then I might also be a sir so that'll be amusing)

    On 12/13/2020 at 3:14 PM, Snakenaps said:

    Has it been four years since her freedom? Or five? 

    ERRRRR timeline not yet set...It's been ISH number of years. More than one but less than ten. 

    On 12/13/2020 at 3:14 PM, Snakenaps said:

    How do we survive this adventure? Booze.

    I don't adventure without booze. I don't know about you.

    Thank you, @Snakenaps! Nice typo catches, too. Looks like tightening this chapter will help a lot, and I'll just stop trying to feed into A/E and work on the inciting incident.

  18. Overall

    Hmm, so this read more smoothly and had a more defined arc than I think any chapter I've yet read with I as the lead. So nicely done there! I think the strongest point is the middle where I is with W in the bushes. The start with W could use some more pep, and the end I think drags a touch too long, then doesn't spend enough time between I and TBK. That's a great moment there that could be played up more.

    But overall, I enjoyed this!

     

    As I go

    - first sentence is not very powerful. Consider changing to a more dynamic entrance

    - pg 2: because this should be a tense scene, I'd like less internal monologue from W and more description of atmosphere and action

    - pg 3: I repeat that I do not like these mid-chapter POV breaks. They kill whatever momentum the chapter had building and are very jarring

    - pg 5: Okay, the payoff for the dual POV is worth it, but I still grumble. If W's interlude was a bit more dynamic I think I wouldn't quibble as much

    - pg 6: smelled like the woods <-- would like particulars please. There are lots of woodsy smells. Campfire? Leaves in autumn? Cedar? Pine? Trillium blooms?

     

  19. Overall

    I enjoyed this a lot! Good pacing, though the blocking was a bit wonky sometimes. Great hooks, and I'd be happy to read more. I think I need a bit more worldbuilding/character building, especially in regards to our MC/narrator. But for a first draft this was a delight. Well done!

    Time period and setting--unsure. Hindi maybe but I feel like if so, there's a lot of flavor missing that would really set the stage for it. I think this is more just the thin worldbuilding than anything, and that can easily be rectified in later drafts.

     

    As I go

    - well that is a strong starting line! I'd say ditch 'previous' since it kind of implies, through the fire setting, that said emperor is no longer in charge

    - pg 2: enjoying this! However I think by the end of that first interlude I'd like a bit more about our narrator, if only their relationship to the emperor

    - pg 2: I wanted to tell them <-- tell them what??

    - pg 5: the blocking on this page confuses me. I'm not sure who is being attached and who is doing the attacking

    - pg 6: unclear what happened. Was there an attack? Earthquake?

    - pg 6: ooh a roof gate. This needs to come earlier

    - oooh nice ending!

  20. Once again, this is the start to a new trilogy, which is actually book five in a series. I continue to be interested in A) new readers: are you interested enough to keep reading? Are things too confusing? and B) old readers - are the voice and tone consistent with other books?

     

    This is draft 0, so LBLs aren’t needed at this stage (unless you really really want to). I’m….not sure this chapter has a very impactful arc for a first chapter for new readers. I think its good probably for old readers but I don’t know if what is in here is enough to keep new readers going. I’m thinking I might need to beef up the leads for the B plot, but I’ll wait to head back from all of you.

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