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kais

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Posts posted by kais

  1. Glad to see this book is still going through!

    Overall

    Could you refresh my memory - is this middle grade or YA? The pacing is probably right about right for middle grade but needs to have more movement for YA. Generally though, this chapter was a lot of talking. There were some highlights and tension of course, but I think they whole chapter could be distilled down to maybe 2K words and have more punch, without losing any content. There's also a lot of navel gazing and remembering, which meant that by three pages in it didn't feel like I'd missed the last six chapters or so at all. Likely just some tightening would fix it up nicely.

    As I go

    - pg 6: I've been in and out the past few months so I'm not sure if this has been addressed before, but I'm having the same issues with this chapter as I've had with many of the others. We get told a lot of things through general conversation and we don't get to experience them. It makes me feel like I'm reading the cliff notes version of the book instead of the full story. I like that they started out sparring and with W getting H to engage. But by page six everything is just discussion and I feel like I'm being kept and arms-length away from the book

    - pg 11: Haven’t gotten all of the NPC dialogue out of me yet <-- I appreciate that you hung a lantern on it, but it's still 11 pages now of just talking

     

  2. 12 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

    Oh, and while I’m guessing this is clear, I’ll say the reason I’m more direct/harsh in criticism here compared to some subs of newer members is that I know you’re experienced enough not to get discouraged by it.

    LOL I don't consider this harsh at all. Bring it on. This is what I'm here for. This is still draft 0 so it's bound to be...messy at best.

  3. 8 hours ago, ginger_reckoning said:

    That being said, it runs into a lot of problems that are common for prologues (and that I myself ran into with my own prologues that i've tried to write myself) mainly that there are a lot of names and Very Important Things being thrown around, but it's kind of overwhelming all together, and while I can tell its supposed to be important, I just don't really feel connected to any of it. I think that the chapter 1 you submitted before was a more engaging and better hook to the story in general. The information in here I think would work better as something that the protagonists discover (namely, interplanetary spies and politics, as well as the magic) rather than something that's just given to us at the beginning. I actually think that very little extra foreshadowing would need to be added because we already know that something is different and magical about the T and everything else. 

    I 100% agree with @ginger_reckoning. I read this prologue, and then re-read parts of it, and just get bogged down in names and Very Important Things that I don't care about. I'm still not even sure what important information our MC got. Without being invested in any of the characters or the world, none of this registers for me. I'd much prefer they discover it than get it this way.

    Prologues very rarely work and a lot of agents flat out won't accept them in queries anymore. Your story is likely better served without this. It is very well written though.

    As I go

    - I'd like a description of what average height, etc. look like. I can't picture anything 

    - pg 3: there's good pacing and world building through these pages

    - pg 5: and that no suspicious figures <-- what would make someone suspicious in this setting?

    - pg 5: a lot of redundancy on straight backs throughout these pages

    - it's page 6 and I'd like to know what our MC's purpose is by now

    - pg 8: wobbling as a toddler's milk tooth. <-- ?? Toddlers don't lose teeth. They're growing teeth. Kids don't usually lose teeth until kinder at the earliest

    - pg 10: I'm still unsure what the MC's purpose is

    - ...what did he learn?

  4. Nice chapter all around. W's part had a lot of emotional resonance and made more sense than I remembered her making in the past. The first POV was more info dump than I care for, but the information was good. I think finding a more dynamic way to present it would make the chapter really shine. 

    This is the first chapter I've really felt engaged with the story so you're hitting a good stride now. Also your writing has improved and some of the descriptive sentences were just lovely.

     

    As I go

    - pg 1: I’m wearing a full grin while C’s smile is dainty and rehearsed. They don’t look so different from the fake smiles she gives me now. <--- She as in C? But C isn't there. I think you meant F? If so, you should say her name here instead

    - pg 3: love the cold iron sword bit

    - pg 5: the twin sister reveal here is very trope heavy and I'm wondering if it could be revealed in a more dramatic way, to take some of that trope sting out. Right now it reads like a Star Wars movie and that makes it lose impact. If it came during a plot-progression section, instead of info dump, I think it would have a lot more power

    - pg 6: that I’m guessing F brought in from the outside world. <-- Does he need to guess? They either have soccer balls or don't in his land

    - you've got a lot of redundancy on 'me' on this page

    - pg 8: I'm overwhelmed with backstory at this stage.

    - pg 9: an agent of true annihilation soon.” <-- this would have more impact if it was specific. An agent of annihilation could mean anything so it doesn't hold much if any of a threat 

    - pg 10: and wants supernatural creatures to be eliminated <-- was this discussed in previous chapters? If not, it's coming from nowhere and we need the reasoning behind it or to have seen some anti-fae actions previously

    - the W section is excellently MG

    - pg 16: Beautiful, addictive dread  <-- lovely line

     

  5. Overall

    I know I'm still new to this story, but I don't understand the purpose of this chapter. What was the narrative arc, and whose arc was it? How did it advance the A, B, and C plots? I think there is something in there about needing to move library items, but did all the stuff before it need to come? The battle at the front in particular seems superfluous. I'd also again recommend one POV per chapter, with a clear arc for that POV in each chapter. It will help with reader buy in.

    As always, the library sections are the most engaging to me. I want more library hijinks, please.

     

    As I go

    - this may be because I've not read the rest of the book but there are a ton of names, none of which I'm invested in, and I have no idea what is going on

    - pg 4: Still not sure what the purpose of the fight was. It doesn't seem to have any consequences. Could it be deleted and our characters still be in the same place as if you just wrote So and so decided to stand guard outside the library to protect the girls?

    - pg 6: the reason for the fight would be good before the fight. Otherwise there is no investment for the reader and the fight is meaningless

    - the constant POV popping is disorienting. They need to have more distinct voices as I can't tell them apart even with the dialogue tags. Generally too, you want to try to keep to one POV per chapter. Let that POV go through their arc, then have another POV do another arc. Popping like this is distracting and doesn't let the reader get invested in any POV

    - it's page 11 and I don't know yet what the purpose of this chapter is. Thus far the only real purpose anyone has had is to pick up a dress

    - pg 15: the obsession over the mouse is now downright comical. Docking pay and a trial over a mouse??

  6. On 2/20/2023 at 7:15 PM, ginger_reckoning said:

    but I'm wondering why exactly D went to visit G in the first place

    D had to check up on the old clients. It was a thing in chapter one but it's been almost a month since then. With that said, noting everyone's comments it looks like I need to tie this scene better into the main plot. People are getting lost.

    I'm curious about the feedback around city descriptions. The crime books like this that I read always had a deep fondness for their city, and a sizable portion of the narrative is how the lead interacts with their city. In this particular instance, this town exists and the descriptions around it showcase the growing pains of this middling midwest city. I'm not sure if people are bouncing off it because I'm not doing it well, if I'm breaking a genre rule, or if there's unfamiliarity with this part of the genre. Help?

  7. 8 minutes ago, Yuliya said:

    I will change it, thanks. 

    It could be as simple as changing how he thinks about the clothes. Instead of how they fit and what they show off, how about how they fit and how much new clothes cost? That's a big parent thing, the persistent cost of new clothing as kids grow like weeds, especially during puberty. If she just hit her growth spurt both up and around, then he's been buying a lot of new clothes. That would be a very parent way to look at her growth. Something like she went up three shirt sizes in two months. How was he supposed to afford that?

  8. Coming in completely cold here, so keep that in mind when I inevitably get confused

    Overall

    A very engaging first chapter, though it did make me wonder if I had missed much as I felt like I got the feel for the book all within that chapter. I'm assuming it must have been a new POV. The second chapter didn't appear to have an arc at all, and read more like the first half to a longer chapter. The singing part could be well cut down and then the kidnapping/fight at the end could happen and resolve, so we see what the purpose was for all the singing and fighting. I did love the atmosphere of this chapter a lot.

    As I go

    - pg 1: piles to slide <-- bro that's a one way ticket to getting punched. 

    - later on page one: punch him punch him punch him

    - pg 2: He gave her a pouty look. <-- this would have killed the predator vibe for me. I'm surprised she doesn't gain some control of the situation here

    so it hit him in the leg <-- there wasn't a slightly higher drawer to open?

    - pg 3: Is this a new POV for the book? This chapter is reading like an opening chapter to a book. It has all the fundamental elements and I don't feel like I'm missing anything, despite this being chapter 5

    - pg 5: can it be an eeeeevil mouse? Otherwise this is a whole lot of concentrated phobia. This is a magical world, right? Why not someone finding a dry rot in some ancient texts that's spreading and if you remove the book it releases the spores and all the other books will get infected? Then I think we'd get a lot of librarian screams

    - pg 7: I am unclear why there is such upsetness over a mouse and her babies

    - pg 7: There was something very wrong here, and she was going to get to the bottom of it. <-- ?? I'm wondering if the purpose of the mouse was to show a protection spell weakening? And that's what leads our MC to this statement? If so I think there needs to be more concern not over the mouse, but over the spell degradation. It needs to be clear what the mouse means, not that there's a mouse in general. That would make all the reactions make more sense

    - pg 13: the singing scene is getting a bit long in the tooth. How is the plot moving here?

    - the end of this chapter is really abrupt

  9. Coming in cold, please forgive random statements of confusion

     

    Overall

    Likely due to having come in at the ninth sub, the large swaths of dialogue did not hold my attention. It was unclear to me how they were moving the plot along. I did connect well with Ce at the end, as there was movement there (figurative and literal), although what that POV accomplished in terms of arc, I'm not sure.

    While well written and easy to follow, I'm not sure what the purpose of the chapter was. It looks like a lot of information exchange, but to what end? Clearly I have no idea what the A, B, or C plots are, so keep that in mind. I'm a wandering patron at a bookstore, picking up this book, opening to the middle, and deciding to buy or not!

    I did enjoy the numerous nonbinary characters. ten points all around.

    As I go

    - pg 4: There's a lot of dialogue through here, and sort of slice of life stuff. Was there a big battle last chapter? This is a very low key start to a chapter so wondering if its recovery time, or if it needs to move the plot along a little faster

    - pg 6: why would the lovers quarrel be disgusting? Assuming I'm missing some in-world context

    - pg 6: then went inside to eat some porridge <-- this sums up my thoughts on the first six pages. It's very day to day without much build up to drive the reader to keep reading. Ending on a note like this makes me wonder if the interlude was needed. Coming off a big action or development chapter I could see the need for some down time. Coming off another introspective chapter, it would drag

    - pg 6: be used to imitate a human <--- so. Here. I dislike this trope of using magic to change sex characteristics, particularly when it equates that to being otherworldly or not human. I understand it is a widely held fantasy among the trans community and fantasies are important. The issue is that when presented like this it is very othering to the intersex community, as it pairs phenotype change with being some form of other. An easy way around this is to change how the change itself is discussed. Adding a sentence or two that makes it clear that the magic is otherworldly but body changing was still human, albeit rare, would take care of the issue entirely.

    - pg 9: there's a lot of talking again. I was engaged during the body morph introspection because it was doing a nice job character building. But the dialogue exchange now is making me antsy for plot movement

    - pg 10: I'm overwhelmed by the new names in the lore dump

    - pg 13: POV shifts mid-chapter, especially when the chapter is all dialogue, is rough to follow

    - I've connected more with Ce than any character yet in this chapter. This character feels a lot more dynamic

     

     

  10. Coming into this cold, so please take my comments with a grain of salt

    Overall

    This reads like a solid outline to about 3/4 of a chapter. When editing, it would be good to sit down and sort out what you want this chapter to do. Is it to get our MC to her government job? To establish how she interacts with authority? What is the purpose of the chapter and how does it move the plot forward? Once you have that, edit to that idea and it will help it go smoother. 

    As I go

    - pg 1: our MC is asking for a few days to think an offer over, but I'm not entirely sure what the offer is. More information would be useful here

    - pg 2: wait she just...accepts?? I feel like I'm missing at least a page of discussion and inner monologue. Maybe a run to the bathroom to have time to think.

    - do we get a definition of 'first class' somewhere? Just repeating it over and over without context is confusing

    - pg 2: You can’t go with the government <-- but if this is such a big deal surely they'd have had this conversation with her previously? To prepare her for when this day arrived? She should have had some idea of her parents' wishes going in

    - pg 3: resistance? Is this the first time we are hearing about this? If so we need more information

    - This back and forth between our MC and the parents doesn't make sense. If they knew they'd force her into the resistance then why not do that preemptively before she got found out? Why let her make a choice just to override it?

    - pg 4: the way 'the resistance' keeps being discussed makes it sound like a place and not a group of people. But resistances that are any good are never centralized and should be very hard to pin down, especially something like a recruitment center or training area

    - if there's a map, wouldn't that be too dangerous? Someone could search their house, find it, and then take out the resistance

    - pg 5: if the watch is relevant later, we should get more description of it now

    - pg 6: where was the internal debate over defying her parents and going to the government? Where did this decision come from?

    - pg 9: redundancy on 'the driver'

    - pg 9: Stop right there, you’re not my problem anymore. My job was to river you, not to babysit you.” The driver turns around and walks away <-- A) he said he was her superior, so this doesn't make sense. B.) river? Deliver maybe?

    - end of chapter 2: what was the arc for the chapter?

  11. 7 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

    My main constructive comment is that I’m not sure what this does for the main plot/conflict, especially the last scene.

    Ah, that's probably because this is only half a chapter. It was too long to sub together. You're missing the back half of the action. It was too long anyway so I'll spend some time retooling it so it makes more sense as a shorter sub. The threat getting worse should have come across from there being a whole dildo wholesaler warehouse situation, but looks like that needs more emotional resonance. Will revisit. Thank you!

  12. I'm new to this story, so take my comments with a grain of salt.

     

    Overall

    Hmm. I'm guessing the purpose of this chapter was for the man to leave the camp? The end worked for that, as did the last few pages. The first two or so pages also worked as an introduction. I felt like the middle was bogged down with talk of the tree which didn't seem to lead anywhere. We didn't get new information it felt like, just rehashing. I'm left to wonder what momentum we had in the B and C plots this chapter, unless the C / romance plot is our MC falling for the girl/woman?

    As I go

    - thick trunks do not go with potted trees. This throws me from the narrative

    - pg 2: there's a lot of 'those' in these first two pages and I don't know what they're referring to

    - pg 2: How snug that dress had become in places that were loose before, and how ungirlishly intricately her hair was now arranged <-- errr, is he supposed to be a father figure? If so this isn't cool. If he's the eventual love interest, what is the age gap here? Wide enough that he feels paternal but narrow enough that she could be a partner? There's a squick factor here. The 'months now' part also makes it read like she only just hit puberty, so she's 16 at best, assuming poor nutrition for most of her life delayed it. 

    - pg 2: other little girls were more considerate of their fathers <-- so she's a little girl? Then double squick. But if she's a little girl how does she have the autonomy to invite people over?

    - pg 4: the people visiting keep being referred to as 'men,' so now I'm just confused. N is a young girl / young lady but is hanging out with full grown men?

    - pg 6: It's hard not to skim through here. I'm not sure what the greater plot is. They just seem to be talking about trees and our MC is trying to not lust

    - pg 7: Good girl continues to add to the confusion

     

  13. On 1/18/2023 at 8:29 AM, Ace of Hearts said:

    I know you mentioned that you want the story to involve a lot of real science,

    Hmm. Okay, I'll think on this. I'm not sure I can put much more in this first chapter, but second chapter for sure.

    I still also need a better read on why D is going along with Y.

    Will look at this again. I want to keep it very fishy here at the start but it might be too fishy.

     

    Thank you everyone for the feedback. I've done a lot of cutting to the first part of the chapter and it does indeed flow better. Thank you!

     

     

  14.  

    Overall

    I think this submission wanders a lot. There's good information and character development, but there doesn't seem to be any sort of narrative arc. The chicken was the start of one but then it didn't pan out to anything. I think there's a lot you can cut and streamline in here, likely even blend with another chapter so that you keep the MC development, but also move along with the plot.

    Unsure if this is helpful so take what you need out of it. As you go, something to keep in mind is that strong chapters advance usually three plot threads, the A plot (in a story like this, usually some sort of political or action plot), the B plot (emotional growth, character development) and the a C plot (romance or interpersonal relationship). It's the balance and the progression of all three elements, along with a clear arc to the chapter (start, middle, end) that give chapters power and propel the reader to the next one. When we talk about something lagging, it's usually that the reader can't find a hold on any of the three plot threads, and thus the information presented feels extraneous. 

    As I go

    - pg 3: assuming this is because I've not read the previous chapters, but I am lost. I'm not sure what is going on

    - pg 5: I think we might be missing movement and directionality to this meeting. Which of course, makes it a true to real life meeting, but also makes it hard to read. I can't see any plot movement so I don't know what conversational threads are worth following

    - pg 7: the MC's view that prostitiution is a 'simple' job does not endear me to them

    - pg 8: the point to this chapter appears to revolve around food? If so, I suggest trimming so that the reader can clearly see that is the focus. Once our MC decides to embrace food, we get a lot more plot movement

    - the meeting chapter doesn't flow super well into the out-of-meeting portion. Seems a good place for a chapter break

    - pg 11: plot is lagging again. It sounded like they were about to begin some grand chicken caper but now it's a lot of talking without movement again

     

  15. Welcome! Always glad to see a new face

    Overall

    I think this chapter may need to be cut. The dream makes a good start but then it becomes a walking around town and introducing people chapter. This can be fine as long as it advances the plot and has an arc, but there's so much information and so many names I'm not sure what I'm to focus on. There also doesn't appear to be an arc to the chapter. Is the inciting incident the dream, or the first day of being a librarian? If it's the librarian then we need to start the chapter on her actual first day and get to the inciting incident from that (dropping books in front of Someone Important? Doesn't know how to use a magical card catalog?). 

    While well written, the chapter comes off more like a character exercise. Which is just fine and we all do them, but I think at this stage best to delete it and move us to where the forward plot progression begins.

    Looking forward to the next chapter. I do love a good library story.

     

    As I go

    - pg 4: As all the action focus seems to be on the man at the door, I'm left wondering why we aren't in his POV. I feel very removed from the action and emotion here

    - oh, it's a dream. That makes more sense but it's so long, and the start of a book, so I think for it to work we;'re going to need more indication that it is indeed a dream

    - first day as research assistant seems to be our inciting incident and the main plot driver. I like a good library book but I think I need more emotion from our MC over it. There is a lot of worldbuilding that doesn't do double duty of helping build suspense for the library job itself, and then detracts from what could be good tension. 

    - pg 8: there is a lot of talk about clothes and dresses, but the theme earlier seemed to be excitement over being a librarian? Is the MC's second passion clothing? I feel adrift right now, like I'm being given too much sensory information without context

    - pg 9: I'm name overloaded

     

  16. Oooh, I remember this from last time! Happy to read a new version

    Overall

    A good improvement. The first page needs some cleaning as the sentences are long and generally hard to parse. I think this chapter is both too fast and too slow. It gives us too much information too quickly, thereby removing tension, but it also goes on for too long. It needs a more defined arc and a slow information release across multiple chapters to really keep the tension building instead of the slow ebb.

    But, much improved! Glad to be back in this world.

    As I go

    - that first sentence is hard to read. I think the syntax might be off just a bit. Chopping it up or reordering would give it the punch it needs. The content is great it just doesn't deliver as cleanly as it could

    - it's the same with the first paragraph. Might be the sentences are just too long but I feel like they all bury the lede

    - the second paragraph sentence might be a better start, then backtrack to the lying

    - the writing gets more of a flow by page two

    - pg 3: the wolf thing is weird. There have been a few hints this is paranormal but I think I might need a bit more worldbuilding to buy into the very cavalier attitude of wolf pups being wrangled by a teenaged boy

    - pg 7: the callback to the wolf business reminds me that I still need an explanation or better world building for this to land

    - pg 11: YA chapters tend to be shorter than 5K words, usually more like 3K. And your inciting incident we got right off the bat with the flowers and meeting N. By pg 11 then I'm starting to wonder what the arc of the chapter is, as the tension is gone and we seem to be narratively wandering

    - pg 11: ah. Giving us the whole flower mystery right up front might not be the best. Slowly revealing it over the course of multiple chapters would build more tension

    - pg 13: so much backstory. I can't quite follow it. I feel like I'm being given way too much information too quickly. I wanted to discover it myself, not be told about it. It also makes me wonder how long the book is since it feels like this is four or five chapters of backstory reveals all across just a few pages

    - pg 16: definitely too long here. We have lost all arc

    - good ending, but I don't know enough about her mother for this to have impact. I think it would work better a few chapters in after we know more about her mother

  17. Whew, it's been a while! Coming into this cold, so take all comments with a grain of salt

    Overall

    The dialogue is smooth. I'm coming in cold, but also unclear what the chapter arc is. Is it to get our MC to accept his gifts and he wants to use them only for good/is naive? If so I feel like that's a multi-chapter arc. If that isn't the arc I'm not sure this chapter is entirely complete. If getting the MC's acceptance/buy-in is needed to move the plot forward, we might need a stronger B plot to go along. If the woman showing up in disguise is  the B plot then excellent, because she was very engaging. 

    Nice installment, and I'm looking forward to reading more.

    As I go

    - unsure about the implications of pink light, but to get pink to show on wood, the emitting light would need to be very red

    - pg 1 reads like a recap. Wondering if it could be cut to get right into plot movement?

    - pg 3 seems to be where the chapter really starts

    - pg 3: disembodied voice lives under Santa's workshop. Check

    - pg 5: I'm lost in this back and forth, but that's likely because this is my first chapter. I'm not sure what they're trying to sort though. It sounds like a morality argument but what does the disembodied voice have to gain? Is it a mentor?

    - pg 7: Somewhere out in the night, a chicken loudly met its demise.<-- LOL excellent atmosphere here

    - pg 10: things get more dynamic when the woman comes in

     

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