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592 Dakhor Monk

About kais

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    Master of Cellulose

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  1. I realize hotels don't open up for another month or so, but there are some really nice Air BnBs right now available in the neighborhood of the convention center. I just booked one for a super reasonable rate. Would be worth checking out in case the hotels go fast or end up being as expensive as the WorldCon staff is warning about.
  2. Yes, you definitely deserve treats and alcohol now! That was a LOOOONG survey!
  3. I need to care more about the family, and how protag feels about the family. Basically I need more emotion. Not necessarily sloppy emotion, but if protag doesn't really care, then I can't, either.
  4. I don't know if changing the bridge scene would do much because it's the greater world skewing so close that is the issue, for me. Costing Mel is helpful, but I'd almost like to see the world not be able to revert, and our suicidal protag have to reinsert into a world that doesn't know them, and learn lessons that way. I think that would be very interesting. A 'no backsies' approach.
  5. Overall While I liked this one better than the gambling story (probably because I like alcohol better than gambling), I thought there were too many POV characters in a short space, and it took too long to discover the plot. Ideally I'd like to see the through line in the first page or two. I feel like the story really starts on page 11, and you could probably cut everything leading up to it. How the buildup went: it kept getting cut off because the POV kept switching. I'd start to get invested and them bam, it was someone else. The last few pages had some promise, for sure, but I think we need to get to the auction sooner, and through fewer people. Your writing has gotten more solid for sure! Especially since you first joined the boards. I think your characters still need some differentiated voices, but mechanically your writing has come a long way. Nice! As I go - I think you could combine the first and second sentence, with some rearrangement, and have it pack a lot more of a punch - Ak has too much knowledge, I think, that comes too readily. It takes out any tension that might build. Maybe have him work for the answers more? Otherwise it's just infodumpy - you've got more redundancy on page five with the inherited from mother bit - Is there a break between pages five and six? Why do we go from discussion of wine to ropes? - oh, is this a completely different POV too? Since this is chapter one, I'd advise against mid-chapter POV breaks. I don't yet have any vested interest in the first POV character. Give me some time to settle in before another - pg9: another POV in the same chapter. I'm overwhelmed now - pg 11: I've meet three POV characters thus far, but still don't know what the plot or through line is - it strikes me as very odd that something that doesn't get any bids just gets given to someone. That cannot possibly be a thing - the plot seems to actually start on page 12, where we learn there is a 'team,' which hints at a through line - the ending is fairly satisfying
  6. Overall It's better, and I have a much better grasp of the world this time around. Unfortunately the plot still seems disjointed. Every time I thought I was getting the hang of it there was a turn and I was lost again. Maybe too many characters introduced too quickly? Maybe just a bit more family buy-in? But yes, definitely making good progress! Per usual, I agree with Mandamon As I go - elf isn't a proper noun, and neither is angel. Capitalizing them seems weird here and jars me from the the story, which is rough so early on - Except they weren’t two separate worlds.I don't think this lands quite the way you want. How about Two worlds. Problem was, both existed in her world, or something like that? - ...lived a double life in a messy multifaceted world where she tried her best to make it a better place, whether it was by supporting the people she loved or helping strangers find peace. She tried, but she failed more than she succeeded. This seems redundant since most has already been stated - Most people called her... This doesn't seem relevant. If most people call her that, why doesn't the narrative? - that first part feels a little too info-dumpy, to the point where when E is introduced it seems to come out of nowhere. It's a better intro, but we might need more emotional buy in to family if we're going to care about E. Right now I barely care about M. - pg 8: It took me three reads to realize M is hearing E's internal monologue
  7. And here I go, falling behind again. I have no excuses. Ugh. Overall I agree with @Mandamon that this skews too close to the movie. It takes the suspension out, and as @aeromancer noted, when something skews that close to a well-known world, you expect a different ending, something to shake things up. This seemed to fall flat on stakes and delivery, I think mostly because people are so aware of how the story is going to go. Going to try to get to your other piece today or tomorrow so there isn't such a big reading gap! As I go - I do love the pee thing. It's very realistic - the summary recap on page six takes a lot of the magic from the scene. It's fun to experience the weirdness as the MC sees it, but it doesn't work for me at all when it's just 'this is what happened.' - pg 9: because I have seen It's a Wonderful Life, it's hard not to skim the information here. I know where it is going and I want to get to the 'good' bits, and that makes me less invested in the main story overall - the recap at the end of pg 12 - 13 is unnecessary. We just read this.
  8. I KNOW. I wasn't expecting to write a dissertation!
  9. Infodumps generally need to serve a secondary purpose, yes. High fantasy/epic fantasy not necessarily though, as the 'world' is considered a character in the high/epic fantasy genres and therefore you can get away with some extended worldbuilding just for the sake of worldbuilding.
  10. Just got my programming survey! Anyone else? Edit: Just finished filling out the LOOOONG form. I reminded them in a few places of our crit panel, and listed wanting to be on it with the lot of you. Here's hoping!!
  11. Like, just general advice? I guess some general places to start are: - read, especially outside your comfort zone but within your genre. Get a feel for what the common tropes are, where the market is, and where your idea sits - be cognizant of your own biases and interrogate your writing for them - join a crit group that gives real feedback, not just back pats. Back pats don't get you anywhere - grow a thick skin - learn patience. Publishing moves at the speed of glaciers on a planet that isn't massively roasting with climate change - finish. Whether it's a novella, a short story, or a book, just FINISH it. You can edit later - edit. All first drafts suck. All second drafts suck. By draft eight or so you might have something worth sending out - engage with the writing community - a lot of which is on Twitter these days. Make friends. Make connections. Learn the lay of the land - never be afraid to ask for help!
  12. Okay so this crit is ridiculously late but I got here eventually! Overall I'm having a hard time connecting to the characters. Every time I start to get interested, the chapter and POV change. The voice is so similar between the characters too that I have a hard time remembering who is who. I think the characters are really intriguing, but their world seems fairly cliche and I can't seem to get invested in the short time given. Maybe extend the chapters to give us more time with them? I'd also suggest not character swapping every chapter. Basically every agent I've ever interacted with has talked about this, too. VWR seems to come from nowhere but I could get behind it if it was foreshadowed a bit more that this world had that kind of tech. I'll third this. Too slow a start. As I go - golden retriever: neither word is a proper noun - away is one word, not two - page one: random tense changes. Is this supposed to be present or past? It jogs. - page two: the discussion of binder vs. corset bugs me a bit. They're both incredibly uncomfortable for some people, and incredibly comfortable for others. They serve similar purposes. The discussion makes the MC come off as really snobby and elitist when I don't think that was the goal. If the goal was to showcase some mild body dysphoria, I think that could be played a bit more directly - The two B names are way too close together. Suggest changing one up - while the dog intro makes a lot of sense, for someone who isn't into dogs (me), it wouldn't have hooked me in a bookstore. Not that that means you should take it out or anything, just noting - I don't think the voice is distinct enough yet for multiple first person narratives. There needs to be more distinction, because if I ignore the chapter headers I can't tell the characters apart. I had this same issue with Supermoon, an f/f sci-fi romance book that recently came out. Multiple first person POVs are hard to pull off. - page seven: 'lole'? - I think the premise of this might be relying a bit too much on those that have seen It's a Wonderful Life - 12: these people seem really nonchalant for talking to an angel!
  13. I'm for it, mostly because a random romance writer or horror writer could be a fun change of pace.
  14. I don't mind it being in there, especially if it helps make the board more welcoming for newbies. I know sometimes the 'published author' thing can be intimidating.
  15. Writer's Critique Group Aspiring Writer's Critique Co-Op Super Awesome Writing Group of the Shard Sharders for Better Drafting ???