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772 Wyrn the King

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About kais

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  1. Didn't finish what I needed to so won't be subbing this week. Would like to snag a spot for next week though, if possible.
  2. Under the wire is becoming my norm. I'm going to blame it on crunch time for my gallery exhibition. Overall A harder read, overall, than some earlier chapters, due to the sheer number of characters, the blocking, and that I'm more emotionally invested in the apprentices than anything else. Nothing felt particularly dire in this chapter, and I didn't get a real sense of tension from the battle/attack because there was so much changing between what character was doing what. This would likely be helped as well, if their were fewer POVs (I know, I know) so I could really sink into the ones that are here. I agree with this. Yes, very much this. As I go - I like the little background we get in the kicker - I'm having a hard time feeling tension with so many people. Because we get actions from all of them the narrative slows and the tension doesn't build well - pg 7: R's emotions about Or always seem to come from absolutely nowhere. The touch of mush on this page just seems so out of character for her - pg 9: I definitely read velocipedes as velociraptors - pg 13: I think I just have character fatigue. I can't sort who is who, and where they are in space. I'm far more invested in the apprentices and as I read this chapter, especially after the action ends, I find myself just wanting to be back with them, not with the 'adults' and their somewhat chill response to the Net being taken over - The ending doesn't have much of a punch
  3. Fashionably late, per usual. Overall Oh much better! Emotion got dialed up and there's more action. I liked it! I think it still fell flat on M emotion at the end, as noted, and I still don't understand why K broke them out. I'd love to see a bit more action from E, she seems to be just along for the ride at this point. But generally, GO TEAM! I do at least 50% of mine at work, too! As I go - see justice done <-- you've got redundancy on 'done' from this sentence to the next - pg 6: I'm really enjoying this, but what is E doing while this firefight is going on? WOuldn't she... be trying to protect M or something? - pg 6: How quaint <-- this seems like Q's voice, not M's - pg 7: I still don't get K seeing the light, as it were, but I'm more willing to suspend disbelief in this version, where there was some action and a clear baddy - pg 8: oooh the emotions on pg 8 are excellent. Love her, darn it, Q! - pg 12 reveal is a delight - pg 12: wait, everyone is taking the son thing at face value? No one wants to be like, wait you have a what now? Also missing M's reaction
  4. Beetles are still there, just not the end sand plot. So YES to beetles v. tie fighter. In the real world, the TIE fighter would win. But since the little guy always wins in Star Wars...
  5. I'd like a spot for Monday the 20th
  6. OMG but what a mashup it would be!
  7. Overall I don't have any technical quibbles with the chapter, and I'm always game for an R chapter, even though I feel like we've had a lot of POV switches early on here. I do, however, wonder what the arc was for this chapter. It felt like a lot of talking without a lot of doing, and I felt like that talking could have been accomplished while also doing things. I think this is one of the issues that I end up with, personally, with too many POVs too early on. Because it takes me a while to get invested, I use the action or tension to invest in instead. And when it's more talking, and I don't have a POV vested interest yet, it's hard to hold my attention. But I also realize I am not generally a reader of high fantasy and other forms where there are many, many POVs, so mine may not be the opinion to put weight on here. Oh, I think I get what you're saying. I think I may have accidentally started this trend in the book series I subbed through here some time ago. I'm pretty certain @Mandamon is using neopronouns and such like I did, wherein each pronoun set is being assigned to a different gender. So the reason there are so many is that each is indicating a unique gender, not necessarily a 'one nonbinary label to rule them all' that is the same across all species (please do correct me if I am wrong, @Mandamon). So for instance, a human might use 'they' to indicate nonbinary gender, but another species might have a gender outside woman/man that is like, secondary male or something, which wouldn't be a nonbinary gender, so it would get a different pronoun, like xe. I don't know if that helps or not. As I go - I really like that epigraph! - pg 2: elgyn....<--- WRS? - pg 3: without the Net to guide them, I feel like I would be very wary of a drink from another species. Who knows if you can digest the same things they can?? - pg 4: NOT A BARE ANKLE! - pg 5: I think I'm having some WRS. I'm anxious for this group to go be more proactive. There is a lot of chit chat for how much happened in the last book, especially since there is no time gap between the books - pg 7: so the on again, off again thing with Or is on again? Their romance totally worked for me in the first book, but I've been pretty confused about it either since. Are they just... friends with benefits? It seems like R goes to see Or whenever she needs some wind down time - pg 8: yes I would like to go to a more pleasing installation of color. I'm going to use this line from here on out every time a room is boring
  8. I was thinking M-o-t would needle E a bit, just generally, about love and such. Since it seems like she is warming to E, and with warming comes ribbing, Mo style.
  9. Overall Well like @Mandamon I was prepared to be grumbly about another chapter of not moving, but there was enough interpersonal movement that I really enjoyed it. My biggest hangups came from the E/Q interactions, which ran very straight flirty, especially from E. There are pretty distinct ways lesbians interact with straight men, different ways they may interact with bi and pan men, and different ways they interact based upon what 'kind' of lesbian they are. You've coded E as a power femme more or less, and so to see her acting more high femme really threw me off. I can get into more detail if you want. As I go - pg 3: more sitting and talking. Dislike - pg 6: I enjoyed the touching Q/M moment a lot! - pg 6: I still don't understand why Q and Kres are all buddy buddy now - pg 6: Is that male gaze in your eye, or are you just pleased to see me?” <--- Dead. I am dead. Please do not ever delete this line - pg 7: Q brushing away E's tear is a little squicky to me. It's very male flirty, and it sounds like E is canon lesbian. If Q wants to get away with that he needs to make it more of a clear overstepping, like a joke. Something like, "M'lady, do let me get your wanton tear" etc - the follow up line is perfect though - pg 8: But now the law accept he’s up <--- missing an 's' - pg 8: I told you I don’t bat for the B-team <-- while this is funny, he's made one too many passes at her for my liking. I'd like to see her come down harder on him, but still friendly. She's already tried to gently point out he's bi/pan, and he's pushed that away and doubled down on the flirting to hide it (classic!). So when he does this flirt, I'd love to see her say something like, "Even you have to see your overcompensation by now" - pg 9: ugh too much knee touching if she's not flirting. It makes me uncomfortable. Lesbians don't socialize like straight women, unless she's high femme, which she has not been described as. I classes her as more power femme, and no power femme would be repeatedly touching a guy's knee - pg 11: careful with 'spook'. I know its a CIA slang term but it's also a really bad racial slur in the US, too - pg 12: Matt black,<--I think in this context it gets an 'e' on the end - interesting ending
  10. Overall I think there is a good story in here, but it is buried under a lot of exposition and extra words. I think the first ten or so pages could be cut entirely, and the rest expanded to give more character dynamics to our leads. The narrative really gets going when A is brought back, but before that it really jumps around and is hard to stay invested, much less follow what is going on. This is also my question I have similar issues to @Mandamon and @Silk, though I'd like to see more character development of our lead character along with some changes to the worldbuilding As I go - why is percussionist capitalized? What makes it a proper noun? - this first page has a lot of new words and I'm glazing over because I can't take them all in at once - page two recaps page one. I think you could cut all of page one - pg 4: as I reach the end of this page, I know the purpose of the story, but I don't have buy in. The city is crumbling but...why do I care? Why do the characters care? I need someone to get invested with. I need to know what the stakes are, beyond some crumbling buildings - pg 5: so many words that I don't know the meaning of. I'm so confused - pg 9: I'm not feeling any tension here because I don't have any investment in the daughter or our lead at this stage - pg 12: what was the purpose of the dead daughter? -pg 12: Okay, so this story is about bringing back the mythical musician because... the city is grumbling and needs restoration? Is that it? I think the past twelve pages could probably be put into one, maybe two, to get to this point, then build from there - pg 12: this type of repetition: but how many murders go unsolved because of your prudishness? How many families don’t get a chance to say goodbye when a loved one dies from a sudden accident? <--- is a good way to cut down words. You said this above already, in sort of a narrative info spread. Here it comes more naturally through dialogue. You could remove the entire previous mention of it, leave it here, and it would be more natural and add better flavor and tension to your story - pg 16: LOL! I enjoy A's reactions when she wakes - I am much more invested once A is in the story. She has very solid personality - I'm not sure I understand the ending
  11. Overall It was a solid chapter, and it definitely moved things forward. I'm not feeling any real threat though from the orange things. That may need to be built up a bit more. I'm also (and this is likely personal preference) grumpy over three different POV chapters right after each other. I'd like to get a bit of grounding in one POV for a few chapters before moving on, especially in series like this where there is so much going on. Things feel really choppy right now at the beginning, and it's making it hard to get invested (though I did really enjoy last chapter a lot, but likely because I'm deeply invested in the Ari story line). Very good draft though. It read smoothly and I didn't see too many typos. Some additional comments below. As I go - pg 1: . For there is one aspect of portals that speak of. <-- to speak of maybe? - pg 3: I feel like this new void comes from nowhere. S sent the last one to Earth Past, and this one was just....at the Assembly, waiting for someone to come by? I think this needs to be foreshadowed more. It seems too plot convenient - pg 6: there are several new names in here. It might be a bit earlier in the book, as we are all still getting our footing again, to add new characters to the already expansive world - pg 7: oooh wait, are all the mini drains from the last book? Maybe I'm having WRS here then - pg 10: so are these orange things any way related to the little creatures from the short a while back? That's what I'm comparing them to in my head - pg 11: Confused. Meth homeworld has the same animals as Earth? Is it supposed to be like a multiverse deal here? I thought it was established that Meth was NOT Earth some time ago? - pg 12: some blocking clean up. I thought the creature cut the portal in half, not the other way around. Was confused there for a minute
  12. Succulents store water in their leaves, correct @Robinski, which is why they're sort of... pudgy I guess is the word we could use. There are vine-type succulents, like String of Pearl, but they more hang than go up. Sucking in moisture from the air makes me think of air plants and some Thai orchids. Maybe it's worth a thought by Sam about how the plants seem to be succulent-air plant hybrids?
  13. @Silk I made two turkey pot pies with our leftover turkey and they were so good. Yours look amazing! Want to compare recipes?
  14. Overall Excited to see a M chapter, and there were some awesome moments in there with her. I disliked the sitting around and generally want more action and movement from Q&M. E was surprisingly silent this chapter, and I think a bit more of her insisting about T might have been nice. She is in love, after all. And M would not let an opportunity to needle her about it go untested. Same issues as @Mandamon. As I go - ooooh, M POV! SIGN ME UP - pg 3: So he’s a <--- tense change weirdness - pg 4: there isn't a lot of tension in these early pages. Since M is a bit worried, I'd like to see more of that on the page. Right now Mor feels like a cartoon villain - pg 4: here.“I’ll give <-- missing a space - pg 6: wait... so Mor sets of a....smoke bomb? And then they get questioned and released? Why? What? I don't understand - pg 6: I love that M sticks her tongue out after being patronized. Excellent characterization there - pg 6: that Mor is now my prime suspect in the disappearance of T <-- how? When? Why? - pg 7: and yell at him for not loving her. <-- EMOTIONS! I love this! Could we get more of this in earlier chapters? SO GOOD - pg 8: damnation, q, but <--- Q's name isn't capitalized here - pg 7: , I can use it let you <-- typos in there - ending: hmm. Well I liked getting more on Mystery Caller, but I disliked just sitting around and talking. I really really want Q&M to just go do something, and it feels like this chapter is kind of fluff in a way, whereas they could be having this conversation while being more active
  15. I'm not sure that's canon... 100% canon. I love that Lego knows its fan base