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735 Elantrian

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About kais

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  1. I’m always happy to answer them though so no worries!
  2. I think A is due for a solid motivation overhaul next round of edits. She’s a bit two dimensional at the moment and needs more background with the mel
  3. I'll see if I can clean this up Agreed. I'll change one up yup. I'll need to edit this too Ah good! I was hoping the 'something is up with T' would start to come across in these early chapters! This is excellent! Also excellent! This should ring weird. You get the explanation in a few chapters but I'm glad it caught your attention. Thank you, as always, for the feedback!
  4. No worries! Sometimes out of context feedback is just what I need to see the holes in the story Yeah, I'm still debating how subtle a discussion I want this to be. My original plan was to increasingly bring it to the forefront in book two and have it be a real issue in book three, but not so much one here. There's just too much else on E's plate right now to fuss about it, and my last book was a big 'Issue' book, so I'm hesitant to go down that road again. However, if the story needs it, it needs it. I'm hoping this is all well covered in the earlier chapters, especially chapter one, where we get to know why E is out in the dunes looking for her wife. I'll have to go back and check though I'll take a look at this for sure. It is crucial, and I'm glad it worked! There's more later on in other chapters, but not a ton here. Humor is something I have a hard time with in writing, so I'm working on it, bit by bit. I'm really glad the AI landed so well. Thank you for diving in! I know it was probably a bit confusing but I do appreciate the feedback.
  5. Very good point I'm not sure where in the story this type of worldbuilding goes. The book didn't hit science as hard as some of my others. I'll have to think on where this explanation would go, of if I should handwavium it off Have clarified This is a really good point. I called it out in a few places but will do so again here. That's totally fair, and one of the reasons I wanted to run it through this group. The idea is that some jerk on earth decided what constituted a woman, and made rules, and then those rules stuck. This call out here informs the reader that yes, everyone on Q has a vulva, so even if you're a man, like Dr. S., you still have one. He's still a man, just trans instead of cis. Oh this is a good point! Will add! She was much more aggressive before, but it made the eventual end goals harder. I think I may need to amp her character back up in the next edit. I do want her to be... more headstrong, really the most caustic and forward of the bunch. She is staging a rebellion after all. Thanks for noting that, and for the excellent notes!
  6. Well excellent! Hoping this makes sense later. PLOT! The entire purpose of this little bit with the AI is to showcase what an AI is capable of, for future AI issues. Maybe it's too oblique? Oh this is a very good point Will fix blocking issues Excellent! Ah yes, will make the joke more apparent Thank you again for the excellent crit!
  7. You know, I don't think that is ever addressed in this book. I was thinking of it more for book two or three. How relevant would you say it is? This is an interesting line to walk. On the one hand, future. On the other, limited resources and there's still a model in many labs to keep paper backups of digital data. I'll need to think on how to address this. That is 100% correct! This is also correct, and an intentional mislead, so I'm glad its confusing Thank you for the feedback! To editing!
  8. Good call. Have noted how the political structure works here Yeah, it's awkward. Editing Hmmm. Okay, I'm not sure how best to address this. V is a man, but he is not male (in contrast to E who is male, but meets the anatomical requirements as well). But he'd still be referred to as a man, regardless, because that is his gender. Since Q's requirements are anatomical, as long as he doesn't get any surgeries, he still qualifies to be on the planet. Maybe I just need to call this out. I've added his first name to his first introduction to hopefully help with this Sorry, wrong sentry. Have clarified Ah yes, but I was trying to show that the director here gets a bit more leeway. Will think on how to better show this Good call. Will address Poor wording. Will need to edit it Yes! Good call. Check. I'll try to clean this up Hmm. Well this is sort of the crux of the whole trilogy so I'm wondering if it needs to be hit harder No, I don't think they would. I was hoping to show through this that both of them value their familial bond more than pretty much anything else. Yup, this has been edited Yeah, we get this a lot later. It does need to be brought forward have clarified this Ahh, yes, I'll add this in Excellent. Thank you for the very detailed notes. On to editing!
  9. Hmm. Okay. I'll be interested in your thoughts after the full read through. I decided I didn't want it to be a big issue in book one, but better explored in book two of the trilogy. Still, it needs to be there, and relevant. Have added 'while wearing pirate eye patches' so it's more apparent Ahhh, this is a good point. I've changed this to the satellites not taking images at certain locations. Nope, not a throwaway! So glad you hung up on it I wonder how much I should address this. I'm hoping that it is apparent after finishing the book that the director is either A) aware of the relocation pending or B.) doesn't want to challenge presidential dictates about who can go where. I'll put a bit in this chapter about it, regardless Thrilled you hung on it though The racing stripes don't, but the whole thing was meant to show his lack of concern with what people are 'supposed' to do on the planet. Will clarify Yup. Plot relevant later. But that you're hanging on all the plot relevant details is superb! Thank you so much for the comments! On to more edits!
  10. Ah, it does. Brackish is slightly salty, so this was meant to convey that the salinity decreased Yeah, this'll be the editor's call whenever the book sells. Right now I'm not super worried about it. Argh. I'm trying to catch all of these but they keep slipping through. Thank you for the comments!
  11. heh, quite right! I think I've fixed this by noting the clay just under the sand THIS WAS EXACTLY THE PLAN but creepier Awesome. Thank you so much for the comments!
  12. Overall Generally I thought this was a solid chapter. The ending was punchy and our two timelines came together finally. I'm...antsy though. This far into the book and I'm wanting more direct action, I think. Maybe it's that I feel like the narrative should be moving faster at this point, or building faster, or something like that. I actually think that might have helped things. If we had an E chapter right before where she found human bodies, that would really amp the tension and give her convo with Q&M more weight, and then this chapter would have more of that punch I was hoping for. As I go - pg 5: oooh, second kill site! - pg 6: outwith <-- typo - pg 13: I appreciate the M introspective here - pg 13: Quack <-- typo? - pg 14: Maybe she did need Q to save her, but not in the way he thought. He didn’t need to actually do anything really. Just be there and listen, like he seemed to be able to with other people, but somehow not her, not yet. <-- this seems out of character for M. More like Q's views being imposed on her. It's not that she wouldn't have this thought necessarily, but more the way it is presented - pg 14: happy to run us to back <-- ?? - pg 14: Would M know the Blues Brothers reference? It's hilarious though. If she doesn't get the reference, I think that needs to be a bit more apparent - love the ending!
  13. Overall I think this chapter needs more meat on its bones. It has a lot of blocking confusion, and needs more emotion and description. Additionally, the ending left me feeling cheated since they did quite a bit and then everything disappeared. I feel like there has been a fair amount of that in this book, lead up with no gains, and so it's starting to be a bit irritating in terms of wanting to stay invested in the characters. Yes, I agree on this as well I also thought this Ah yes this! I was thinking this too. As I go - pg 1: collecting ticks? Instead of the poison ivy? - tension is very short lived on page one. I think this scene here could be better described and drawn out - pg 2: oh no, the ivy is still a thing. So what is with collecting ticks? - WRS: who is Ben? - pg 5: expected a little more emoting over finding mom - pg 6: deep blocking confusion here. I don't understand what is where and what is going on. How did our MC lose their sword? Didn't they have it on page one? Now they have to grab it? What all is flying? Who is in the room? What does the room look like? What does Mara-ghost look like? - Lot of build up for having everyone disappear
  14. Overall I thought this was a very engaging chapter. Splitting the POVs off at this point makes sense, and I am invested in all of them enough to be okay with it. I think it is a good place to broaden out the world and I'm excited now to explore it from several different perspectives, whereas originally all the POVs just caused fatigue because I didn't care about anyone yet. I'm looking forward to reading more of this! I agree with all this. Middles are hard, but I think you can make this work for sure. As I go - pg 3: wait, her mom is on the train? I'd expect a lot more reaction here, because I just assumed they'd all been left behind or killed. Isn't Z the only one they actually care about? - pg 4: wait, why does she have scars on the inside of her thighs?? - pg 4: wildly curly hair that looked like Z’s when she didn’t take care of it or brush it every single day <-- should be edited. has a bit of implicit bias around black hair being wild or unruly or in need of taming - pg 8: I like the explanation of battle mages! - pg 9: wow this uh, sort of mental memory rape the guy is doing is not okay. I'd like to see Z panic a bit more here - pg 15: was not just clowork, but an entire factory <-- typo on 'clockwork' - I like the ending!