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About krystalynn03

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  1. Off topic here: but I did it. I submitted! I wrote a short story for a children's magazine, and I just submitted it. Needed to tell somebody!
  2. Hey Chuck, I agree with you about visual medium. Another thought I had while reading was that I felt like I was reading a screenplay more than a narrative. I think your DND thing can be used as a framing device; it just has to be implemented differently. Please keep working and submitting! (Also, hi @Mandamon!)
  3. Hey, Thanks for subbing. I liked some of the things you were doing, but it felt like I was being yanked back and forth way too much. I didn't realize the narrator was being unreliable at first, so rather than being amused at the cynical voice, I was taking it seriously. When I saw that you were splicing DND narration with more and more 'real life' narration, I was just annoyed as a reader. It's a pity. I saw that word 'Undergloom' in the first paragraph and that name felt so good in my head that I decided to give the writing a chance. Then you introduced a bunch of real characters all at once with less attention and care than the made-up DND characters. I have no idea how many people were in that scene, and I've got no one to root for. I'm curious enough about where you're going with the homo-others to want to peek at where you're taking this plot, but if you don't tidy up your narrative voice, I'll check out soon. Tell a clear story first--worry about wit later. Work on that, and I'd keep reading.
  4. Hey there <R>, I had today off for holiday, and reading subs in the warmth of bed late into the morning was great. Interestingly, I had easier time getting into this chapter than chapter one. Q &M had that textured, real feeling for me at the beginning that I really enjoy in characters. I like their tense relationship. It teases and hooks me. What didn't work for me was the middle chunk after they got into the car. There was so much description about the town and economics and history lost my attention through the middle third. I tuned back in for the ending of the chapter, but because I was skimming at that point to see if anything relevant to the characters' development, I lost the details of what exactly was going on. Anyway, quick thoughts, but those are the impressions that stuck with me hours later. /k
  5. Hey there @Mandamon, It's good to see a submission from you! I gave your chapter a quick read and have a few thoughts. Yes, I'm interested in the characters and problems. I would definitely read the next chapter. There were some moments that felt a little bumbling--a first or second draft type wording stuff--but overall, it worked well. I felt like some of the sentences were a little repetitious, like you were spelling out things the reader could infer just fine. I'm not going to go through and LBL it because I think you'll work them out naturally through revision work. I felt a little weird with the setting, having read some of your other work. Like, I felt like I needed something in the protag's background building to suggest that this is sci-fi/fantasy. Except for the weird dimming and the mysterious reason he won't go outside (which could be fantastic or normal), I'm not feeling the genre well, so that jarred me a little while trying to settle into what kind of world I'm in so I could start hypothesizing and wondering about what the problem could be. Hope you sub more!
  6. Aw! No kidding! I would have checked it out a lot sooner if I had known...
  7. @Mandamon Did I miss the announcement or something? When did this go up on Amazon?
  8. Hey @rdpulfer, I know I'm late to the game, but I just wanted to let you know I reread the polished up version, and I liked it just as much as the first time, and a lot of things that tripped me up then didn't trip me this time. I really buy the MC as a real person and love the setting and the colorful but not overwhelming side characters. My interest dropped a little on the last few pages, but I think that's mostly because I knew what the pay-off was. I didn't have that problem at all the first time.
  9. <R>'re still the bomb-diggity. I'm really more embarrassed that you felt the need to apologize at all.
  10. @Mandamon You are the absolute bomb-diggity for not only reading the same basic chapter 3 times, but for giving useful feedback each go around. I'm emailing you digital cookies--though I i understand you should probably not eat them... @Ernei Thanks for jumping in despite not having the 16 chapters before. You gave me really good insight, even though the story's not to your taste. I don't think you're a middle grade I'm not terribly surprised by that. I know the inserted words bothered you and I respect, but I'm a bilingual teacher, so believe me, I see a plethora of language coping skills by students transitioning at all levels into English. Throwing out words from native tongue sounds like something you purposefully avoid, but in a culture where two language have been purposefully allowed to mix over the course of decades, it's not really a big deal. (Best sentence I've heard: One little boy say to another this year : "Tomorrow te va a salir CHEST HAIR!") Spanglish FTW. Also, thanks for letting me know about the sheep--that whole section is not actually about the sheep. It's set up for later and won't be apparent what I was setting up until later. It wasn't long enough that you quit reading, so I guess it wasn't too long. Thank you so much taking time to read and give me useful feedback. Oh good. I think I got this knocked into a better shape. If I recall, the last iteration didn't strike you so well, but I think I've got the arc headed in the right direction at last. Thank you so much!
  11. Feedback Stuff: What worked for you? What didn't? Resist the urge to go after typos--it's really late and I don't have time to have my friend comb though the draft for lices, eh, I mean splices! (See what I did there?)
  12. Hi there, TKWade! First and foremost, I want to thank you for being brave enough to join a group like this and submit. It's not easy to do and releasing something you've worked hard on into the hands of strangers and waiting to see what they do or don't do with it isn't as it seems. I'm going to give you some good stuff and some not so good stuff, and you can decide what you do from there. First, I want to praise you for having a strong sense of grammar and vocabulary. You want to fill your text with imagery and give your readers pictures from your mind and that's good. You've put thought and work into world-building and it shows. However, there are some pretty glaring 'newbie' flaws that you can stop that will instantly take you to the next level. Firstly, kill the expanded setting description; even when experienced writers start a book out with a sweeping battle scene, they're playing 50/50 with me as to whether or not I'll bother getting past the initial, enormous crisis to see what the real plot is. When readers open a book, we want a hook. This particular piece of writing by you doesn't give me anything in the first page to latch onto and care about. Readers care about people, not crumbling cities. I see you introduce some characters down the way--but I don't want to sift through all the words at the beginning to get there and see if I care about those people or not. I did read a sentence--a part of one--that I liked a lot: "Ash covered everything." If you started the setting out like that, it would have pulled me in harder. I'd want to know what was causing the ash: volcano eruption, atomic bomb fallout--what? Sometimes simple is more evocative than big. Keep writing and submitting--don't get too bogged down revising and editing. Just work on having fun and getting good story and good characters onto the page. Thanks for sharing!
  13. Hey Ernei, I'm going to do sweeping comments. Doing a couple alpha reads has broken me of the LBL temptation. I'm going to stick to the big stuff and let other people battle little things. When you have a complete story in the future with the content perfected, then I'd be glad to talk about fixing up some odd prepositions that give you away as a non-native speaker. For now, suffice it to say that your English is good enough for me to follow and enjoy the narrative. To begin with, I do realize that I'm a little lost not having read 1 & 2, but even lacking them, I didn't feel the lack except in some questions--like wondering about the mansion who Jasper was. Actually, I'm afraid I might like 3 & 4 less if I'd read 1 & 2 because not knowing some things lent a kind of mystery to the whole thing for me as I read. I thought I was being held in suspense, but now I see that I just wasn't preloaded with some info. Even so, I liked the quick pace, and I liked the MC alright. I felt like her love of drawing was genuine and characterized her well, but her interactions with the book shop hottie made me roll my eyes pretty hard. I wouldn't abandon the narrative because of it, but I would hope you did that with some purpose to pay off in an interesting way later or I would feel cheated. I liked the garden scene and some of the character descriptions. Though I have to admit, the only names that stuck with me are Jasper and Cassie--and A-guy from the bookstore. Using Sanderson makes the book feel like realistic fiction...but then the naming conventions of some characters and the fairy fountain make it feel like fantasy. I'm not really jiving the two. I can't decide what kind of setting my imagination should paint. You lost me as a reader around page 17 at the drama club rehearsal thing. There were too many characters being thrown at me too quickly with too little interesting or suspense. I need a better hook. I'm still curious about the premonition style drawings Cassie's doing, so I'd keep going for that, but I'd definitely skim the high school drama stuff. Thanks for sharing!
  14. I would call this an adverbial participle phrase and it's working parenthetically--meaning you can take it out and the sentence still stands. Therefore, those commas aren't splicing. Splicing is when you take two independent clauses and try to glue them together with a weak little comma. Putting "in line" at the front of sentence without "dripping" makes it: In line my phone rings. Putting the phrase "in line" at the beginning is an odd construction, but it's purposeful--meant to contribute to the tight, quick narrative voice she's using. (I assume!)