ACharles78

Thanks Silk. akoebel, that's a really question. I really don't know. But I'll definetly ask and get back to you on that. I'm guessing it might depend on the publisher or something.

Chaos, Mandamon, thank you. Now comes all the editing.

Hey everybody, A lot of you might not remember me but my handle on 17th shard was Acharles78 (psednoym Austin Charles). I think---if my memory can handle the fuzziness---that I joined this site back in 2011. I joined this site because I wanted to get feedback on a fantasy book series I was writing called the Incarni---I think most of if not everyone on here now is new and wouldn't even remember me or that story because I haven't been on here for a very long time. I just wanted to write because I remained on the emailing list and loved being a part of this community and reading all your great stories and I thought I'd share some encouraing news. I'm going to be a published author on september 1st 2013, and not for the Incarni at all. In fact I hit a serious wall with that story when I realized that although I had spent well over two years world building and writing the first book in the series not once but twice, I dreadfully saw that the story I was trying to tell had been told before over and over. The infamous peasant boy--girl in this case, with an enchanted lineage and yada yada yada---Luke, Harry, et cetera. But like I've heard a lot of other authors say in the past that sometimes you just have a story that won't work and that its better to cut your losses. So I dropped it and started writing other books. The longest of which I'm about two thirds of the way through that's not fantasy at all, but a dystopian world-at-war epic with people with powers, fighting tournament, drugs, very not fantasy. I quit fantasy for the most part because I got discourgaged, but I just started writing other things. The book that's getting published is a novella called Sheeple which is going to be published by Damnation books on September 1st. It's about 28,000 words long and came at a time when I was inbetween two huge novels and needed something that I could finish relatively quickly. I found a niche in the weird tale genre and a lot of my shorter novel works tend to be that. I did a complete 180 and published something I wrote on pretty much a whim, which usually those stories end up being disasters for me. I wanted to add that I accredit a lot of my success writing through the last few years to this site, the community, as well as all of your feedback on things that I submitted. Not only did posting help me out but reading your stories helped me out as well. This is a really nice writing community on the internet. Lastly, I just wanted to ask if any of you guys here on this site have any similar stories you'd like to share, published or not, or anything else years of pounding your head against the wall on something that hasn't been working has taught you. Hope everyone is still writing and thanks for reading. Austin,

The author's name is Austin Charles, my real name is Austin Barrow Congrats Aminar, nice to see you pull the 125 k mark. I'm about that at the Incarni, my second draft. A quick note about me, I don't consider myself a fantasy novelist. I just consider myself a writer (not to say that any of you consider yourselves the same). I attend the Columbus College of Arts and Design with a minor in writing. I just consider myself a writer (and artist sure) who happens to write in various genres. A couple of my series are fantasy, but one in particular (the Incarni) is what I choose to submit, and I'm about at the 126 k. Way too long, but anyway, haven't gotten to editing. Not to detract from my own stories I post on here, but I have read a lot of fantasy, but I have also written a lot of literary works that I'd like to get published, but just don't seem to sell. Fantasy is a hot commodity sure, but I've grown on things that weren't fantasy, like Fahrenheit 451, and Ana Karenina. Brandon Sanderson of course is an aspiring author I like, but I go to the classics in my work, Shakespeare, Homer, and Poe for good measure. My contemporary favorites are Joyce Carol Oates, Raymond Carver, and Ernest Hemingway. As I write the Incarni, I'm also balancing my writing between a alternate history super hero heist story I call Down Down Dagger. I plan on trying to sell both at the same time, but really, time and patience will only tell. Anyway, I do look forward to reading you guy's selections. I enjoy critiquing as much as I enjoy writing. Write on playas, write on. I look forward to hearing from them

Yados, I see many of the people who have posted have already read your former story, Blacker Deeds, which I have only read the revised prologue of. I'm kinda new to this thread, so I'll continue the critique from the eyes of someone who has only read this story (which I hear is a stand alone anyway). First off, I wasn’t aware that this was connected at all to Blacker Deeds until I read about Coil and the Stompman at the end. But I'm really liking this version/stand alone better. I'll go on to say what I like, what needs to be made clearer, and what I think didn’t turn out so well in this critique. I don't really point out irregularities in sentence structure, grammar and all that (unless it REALLY bugs me) simply because I really don’t know if this is a first draft or not. But to focus on the story, here it goes What I like: -The prologue- I’m not all that crazy about prologues, but I think it works here. The scene with Coil and Rae could potentially be a heart breaker, I think if it is played to really hit home the idea that Rae is dying (but more on that later). The idea that Coil is with his little sister’s dying breaths is very mentally disturbing, and genuinely saddening. Its good without being overly sentimental, where I have seen scenes like this crash and burn. You seem to have good sensibilities in regards to this, so kudos. -The narrative flow- I found myself being much less confused in this version than the last. In the last one, characters seem to show up out of left field, and I had a hard time distinguishing them from one another. Here however, your viewpoint character Coil always remains as the clear viewpoint. The narrative structure flows as well, and explains the natural progression of the scene and its course through each subsequent chapter/prologue. -Narrative description- This is a true strength of yours. You have a keen eye/ear, for the world your characters inhabit. I was really taken by the following paragraph; “The cottage had smelled of warmth once. Hadn't it? If he focused, Coil could still remember the scents of rooftop harvests-- nights at his mother's side. Cinnamon and cloves and the healthy sweat of long days wrestling with crops. The smoked savor of meat on the fire. They had been three-- Coil, Rae, and their mother-- and there had been love.” This is a fantastic paragraph. It isn’t long, but already it establishes so much of the backstory without overindulging. Coil grew up on a cottage. He is probably of a rancher, or farming background. His mother and family are farmers struggling to make ends meets with crops. The meat signifies a hearty, healthy diet (I don’t know, I assume Coil might be a strong man/soldier because of it). Coil, Rae and their mother, they are all related and a strong family. Now, I could be wrong about some of these things, but considering I'm a reader going by my first impression, I'll pretend I'm right for now. What's great about this segment is that the reasons for thinking this are are easy to believe because of the clarity of the paragraph. Kudos on the narrative. It does just what a paragraph has to do; describes something, describes our character’s relationship to that something, and our character’s relationship to other characters that involve themselves with that something. Really nice job. -Characterization- Coil really stands out in mind, not so much his character, but his circumstance. Right off the bat he has lost something he has loved, and we sympathize with that. He sounds even more like a badass because by the end of chapter one, he is on a mission to kill death, which I think in the context of your story (immortality, plagues, and all that), I think it could make for really interesting scenarios. The other characters (Horst and the old lady) really stand out in mind as well. I really like the contrast of the old woman and Horst. I love how one really explains the thing they mean to convey, and the other (Horst) merely says single word answers, like “Dead.” And “Angry.” This is great characterization. I think this a good character team and a great character foil, a talker, and a dead pan. I would find ways to play this up even more if they are to be reoccurring characters in the novel. Give them opposing ideologies/philosophies, but have them work together and cooperate despite the fact. What needs to be clearer: -Rae’s death- I didn’t understand that the little girl Rae was dying of the plague until the very end. You need to make this clearer. Perhaps her making gasping sounds, breath drawing shorter, things like that. I mean, I get that she was bloody on the mouth and nose, but this wasn’t enough for me to signify death. Shortness of breath and coldness in body temperature are things we (well, me at least, when I saw a couple grandparents of mine die personally) I think would help us associate it with death, just as examples. -The opening line- This is an exception to the odd sentence structuring I found throughout (which I said I wouldn’t talk about). But because this is your opening line, I feel it is even more on the spot light. This one really needs to get me into your story. “He woke with the body of his sister clutched so desperately to his chest that it cut off his panicked gasp. Given the smell, it was a mercy.” I think another person commented on the awkwardness of "given the smell" line. But I guess I'll just reiterate. I think I know what you’re trying to say, at least, in concept. He screamed and didn’t breathe because his sister smells rancid, or something along those lines. I don’t mean to write the novel for you, but something along the lines of “he gasped at his sister’s dead body. Choking up on his tears made him unaware of her rancid smell.” That’s probably a bad example, but I’m sure you get the general idea. That is of course, assuming she has been dead for awhile. The fact that I'm not quite sure also may need some clarifying. These are two separate lines of description that may not even need combining into one sentence. Sometimes two quick powerful jabs of description can be even more enthralling than one long, convoluted one. What doesn’t work: -Awkward sentence structure- Okay, I’m a talking contradiction here, talking about sentence structure when I said I wouldn’t, but personally, I feel like this needed making note of. There are some real wonky sentences in this story so far. I’ll highlight just a few of them. Keep in mind, they are really jarring to a reader like me when I’m cruising along and am taken out of the moment with an awkward line. Just a few read overs and they’ll add to what I think is a great story in the making. Sentences like; “But it was only a moment and, when the memory Rae’s empty eyes returned, they wrenched out his heart anew.” I think know what you’re trying to say, but again, the sentence just needs reworking. A simple line like, “Rae’s empty eyes returned the feeling of heartache,” would do just fine. Another, “Squat, the word might have been-- and certainly, the rest of her physical properties reinforced the term’s viability.” “Squat, the word might have been” if this is how people of Coil’s descent describe people of this stature, I would suggest just saying “She was squat.” And “certainly, the rest of her physical properties reinforced the term’s viability.” This is just far too formal and analytical a sentence. I would merely suggest getting right to the point. Make it as short and sweet as possible. Even better, exaggerate how short this woman is to make it a point that Coil think she is tiny. “She was squat. No taller than a tree stump.” Or something along those lines. Sure, she can’t be shorter than a tree stump, but we understand the hyperbole, and we get the idea that she is vertically challenged, or whatever your people’s colloquial term describes it as in the book. I only comment on this sentence because I think there are more examples that I think fall along those lines; sentences like: “Good morning,” Coil replied, routine forging untruth so quickly he almost missed it. He fidgeted.” You completely lost me at “routine forging untruth so quickly he almost missed it.” The word forging and untruth just doesn’t fit together in that sentence. Forging of course brings up all sorts of imagery. I just happened to notice this a lot in similar stories, but I guess I'm one to believe that the easiest way to describe it is the best. And lastly (although this is more of a world building thing), “They lay peacefully in the snow– beautiful, frosted, and awaiting the kiss of a fair prince to awaken them.” I’m not sure if this signifies a fairy tale in this world, but it is far too similar to Sleeping Beauty to be taken for its own original merit. And I know there are elves and all that inhabit this world (which I kinda agree with another commenter, I think brings to mind far too many cliches). And its hard to say what goes into an original fairy tale in fantasy, but taking something original of the world in which you write in and writing a mythos that is told along the lines of how people understand it would be a great place to start. This however, reeks too much of the Brother’s Grim. Anyway, not to be too big of a grammar nazi, these things can easily be worked out. I’m not sure what draft you are on, but these can be low priority checklists on your edits. The good news is that this is really the only gripe I had with the story. All in all, I really enjoyed the read. I’ll be coming back for more of Mortal Coil.

@cjhuitt Thanks cjhuitt. You always have very well thought out critiques. Your critique will help me big time with revisions. Mainly, the little things I didn't even think of the first time through. I appreciate you taking the time to read and critique.

I've got some more story for the 23rd, if we aren't already totally booked.

@KateJ, Thank you as always for your critiques Katej. It was my intent to have the foster family not really care for Adalir for reasons Albertus will expound on later. But for the mean time, this was meant to build sympathy and not unsympathetic attributes for Adalir. I'd like to hear more of your opinion on this in the upcoming chapters. I know the foster family thing has been done quite often but you'll see later, I promise, and I don't say that just to ride off your complaint. Trust me I'm making note of it. But Adalir's true lineage is hopefully, my twist in the genre of similar stories like this. If you are feeling its gonna be one of those stories already at this level then maybe I should consider changing it to prepare you for just such a twist later so that you don't put the book down and say, 'been there, done that.' If you feel this story is girl gets weird powers and goes off on adventures I'm glad to tell you its not that. I'm not going to spoil anything but Adalir gains a power in which she never truly realizes has a benefit until midway through the book when things get hairy in the plot. But, this is your first impression of all my readings so no further comment. If you had bought my book I wouldn't be there to explain it so I will make note of this. But as always, thank you Katej. I'm always glad when you critique. And @Yados, I just sent the email. Tell me if you didn't get it or not since you're email is wonky or something. Anyway, thank you all. You've been very helpful

Sure thing. Happy to oblige.

Aminar, I decided to come up with a new mode of critiquing that I find should cover all bases. I’ve finally decided that we’re all writers here, and these are probably our first drafts and what not, so I won’t even bother with sentencing/grammar and all that latter stuff. Personally i don't think you need me or anybody else to put out these minute things. So I’ll begin with what I like, what needs to be clearer, and what doesn’t work all that well. I'll start by saying this is a really enticing first chapter. You really have a lot of good things working for this story. You might see I ask a lot of questions, but these are purely rhetorical. I ask them because I think them, and of course, assume the author is not there to answer them for me. But anyway, here it goes: What I like: -The tension- Right off the back we’re thrown into the action. This is great. Although I don’t think the part about the flying dinosaur was really necessary (well, maybe just tell us later). On the copy I printed I cut out that part and as far as tension is concerned, I think if the first few sentences of the book began with “Somewhere deep within the jungles surrounded Iraisa a raptor shrieked. She needed to hurry, the sun was going to shift soon.” The book would throw us head long into suspense. That’s really all you need. But good job, this had me hooked from the get go. -The magic- I think we’re gonna have to have a duel because the magic of my character in the Incarni is very much like yours, even the part about the characters metabolizing the energy (although now that I think about, my magic is more of a power, but that’s neither here nor there). I actually really like this kind of light magic. It was one of the things that really stuck out about this story. I really like how the scriptures move across their skin. I get vivid images that they are like moving, glowing tattoos. Really good stuff. I also admire that you didn’t explain it and drag the great tension. I have faith it will all be explained later. -The pacing- You really have a knack for raising the stakes. I really admire this because this is the part I struggle with so much. I have rewritten my beginnings more times than I can count, and here you’ve done and excellent job. -The character- This is strange because I find myself really liking Iraisa a lot, only to see that she might have died at the end. I’d like to hope you didn’t kill her off. This of course, is a brilliant way to end the chapter. It makes me look forward to reading more to see if she is alive or not. Like a girl I’d want to date, I’d like to get to know her a little better Here’s what I think needs to be clearer in terms of me being confused: -Sun shifting- I’m slightly confused about this, but at the same time, it really has me intrigued. It’s the execution that I think is a little off. I thought I had a grasp of it, but then I read the following passage: “Iraisa needed to get to the tiny shelter before the sun shifted; if she was out in the open when the sun shifted she was as good as dead. Heart thudding, Iraisa sprinted to the stone shelter, praying she made it in time. She barley made it; as soon as she shut the door the sun shifted, darting back through the sky, instantly lighting up the already glowing jungle.” Mainly, it was the last part that really threw me for a loop. How does a sun dart across a sky? I couldn’t even imagine this. This is behavior of a meteor or comet, not a star. I think what makes it hard to imagine is the terminology of it. When I think of something shifting, I think of a planet revolving, or something changing places, like the magnetic poles do. But the way in which it is described doesn’t lend to a clear cut description. What exactly is the sun doing? So is it the setting of the sun that causes the shift? So does that mean that when its dark it shifts? Or is it like an eclipse? My personal suggestion for this is maybe giving us something our sun does so that we can imagine it better. Like if it passes behind another celestial body, or ring-like aperture in the sky, and the light changes to signify it’s shifting (well, maybe that’s not the best example, but something along those lines). Also, just a minor gripe, but you mentioned the sun shifting part in the opening page and don’t need to bring it up again. At least not in the first chapter. -Iraisa’s purpose/the strangers/whatever happened at the end- I think from what I read that Iraisa and her priestess take shifts guarding portals. Like I said, I’m not sure. But I need to be. If I’m right then this is a really interesting concept, just needs a little clarity. The strangers that are introduced after Iraisa gets inside the temple also made me confused. So is it Iraisa’s people or the strangers that communicate telepathically? If the strangers are making hooting noises and gestures, then I’d think they are talking, or at least, doing something like talking. Why then does one of the strangers communicate telepathically with Iraisa? How could she have known if it was coming from him if she doesn’t even know who they are? I was just confused by that. I was lost by the time the tyrannosaur came out of nowhere. Did he come through the portal? Was he hiding? Also needs clarification. What is distracting/Doesn’t work for me. These are all fixable things that I saw trying to be worked out but just didn’t stick the landing. They are also things that made me stop reading and say, ‘hey, waita minute’: -The dinosaurs- This might be my biggest criticism about what distracted me when I was reading. Dinosaurs are awesome. Let me just say that part first. Dinosaurs in a fantasy story are even more awesome, but only if they are analogous to your planet/realm’s version of them. I think its very unique to have them in a story like this. By all means, I love them. However, I do think that, dinosaur, the terminology, their names (tyrannosaur for example, literally meaning terrible lizard—I think) are entirely earthly names for such creatures. I could be wrong in assuming so, but I’m pretty sure this planet is very different from earth (unless there are parallel worlds or something, which is entirely viable). You might want to think about just changing what the Hamara call them. Not only that, but this is the fun part where you get to make them even more unique to the biology of the Hamara jungles. And from what I’ve read, this is already a strength of yours. I’d much rather see what kind of beast you could come up with. I guess what I’m trying to say is that they can be dinosaur like, but not dinosaurs. There is an excellent podcast on writing excuses (that you might have already heard this week) where they talk about flora and fauna in fantasy and science fiction. I highly recommend it. -backstory information- For as much as I like the tension in the first pages, its off set by Iraisa’s back story. I have nothing wrong with the presentation about the Hamara, the priesthood, but all of that stuff needs to take a back seat (at least until our protagonist can get out of their situation). You had me hooked, keep reeling us in. I guess my suggestion would be to advance the story, don’t slow it down. -Character thoughts- This part is purely technical. I know I said I wouldn't get nit picky, but this just confused me. I didn’t know that this <> signified thoughts when I read it. It was confusing. Italics I think are the rule of thumb for that. Just a minor gripe. This should cover everything. Overall, this was a great read. Can’t wait to come back for more, and as always, I hope this helps.

Hey guys, @Storm, Thanks for the kind words. This got me inspired again. I appreciate it (been going through some hard writer times lately with getting more rejection letters from recent publishers.) But I do find hope in this story, so thanks! I needed to hear that. @Katherinewessman, I'm glad my story kicked off your first critique. Welcome to the family i guess! I'm completely delighted to here my characters are doing their jobs. That's my most important aspect when I write, is to know the characters first. about the clarity, I might need to check to see which parts are clear and unclear in the next edit. If you're confused about something that's a red light to me. Because the philosopher stone is a big aspect of this story it should be explained earlier on in terms people can understand better. Just heard from other critiques that I was a little too complicated/wordy with the explanation. So thank you. I'm new to world building so your views on that inspire me to do better in the edit. Thank you for your critique. @Aminar, Thanks for the compliments on dialogue and creativity, and for starting your critique with the good first. That reminds me, I need to do that in my own critiques (I don't think I did mention good in my others and I apologize to any of those who I have critiqued, again, I'm new at this!). But anyway, I'll actually reply by saying your critique is very soundly and logically structured, so thanks Aminar. Your critiques should be this site's blueprint. I'll check for overused words and sentence clarity. Thanks for bringing that to my attention. My attention with descriptions was to make each race distinctive. I guess I'll just explain it here (and fill it in my novel more clearly later) the Faeries of the world have distinct wings and tails and use external magic, while Nymphs have more human features unless they beast wheel or transform (but you'll see that later) and use internal magic (both of course is explained later, but yadda yadda). Anyway, the beak I just wanted to describe as Cerstanthany's race of Faerie's distinctive feature. They are from a tropical region of Dominion Earth. And human men and women do court Faerie men and women so its nothing unnatural to find such differences attractive to each race because its been going on for such a long time. I must not have explained this nor been descriptive enough to make that clear. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. Thanks for the heads up about sentence structure but I'll add it to one of many later priorities of the revisions. Its funny about the read aloud because I do do this. There must be certain parts I'm not grasping but I'll save it for the revision. Once I revise another 4 or 5 times I'll reread again. But thank you for reminding me (I might have forgotten to do it in the parts you read). I did not realize the importance of too many sounding names until I heard the writing excuses post about it. I've got WAY too many A names. Albertus and Adalir are already too many, because I get them confused sometimes even when I write. Who knows, maybe it's because my name is Austin, which was not conscious but a subconscious flub up. But at this point, Albertus and Adalir at least have names that mean too much in the context of the story and I don't know if I can change them. But there are others I will certainly change. Cerstanthany is long but my characters often give people nicknames so I'll just do this as a quick fix. You're not too harsh. Believe, I've been ripped to shreds before. Your words are a very informative mirror against my own story. I thank you again for everything you said. You don't know how much its helped me. And I actually just bought a kindle for my mother (which I bum from her all the time) so that might actually happen. Thanks for telling me about that. Thanks all to your words so far, hope to hear more from more of you soon!

You can't edit your title post. I say that needs to be fixed. I posted a story post and couldn't add a date. Why not?

I forgot to mention the date, it's 1/9/12

Hey guys, I heard all your discrepancies about the first chapter in the Incarni. I will make the edit, but I just hope you will recognize that the story is moving forward and that I promise it gets better. Although I know that thats not and excuse. Beginnings are my weakest points, even though I have wrote many a novel. I want you to tell me everything and I hope you give me your complete opinion (as I'm sure you will). If your wandering about Adalir and Albertus's relationship, you'll learn it as the novel goes on. But anyway, that's all you need to know. I wish you well, peace

@KateJ So Mara just seemed to pop up out of this sequence. I didn’t really know who Mara was until a few reads through. I finally got it, but I think, she wasn’t in there between Aleena and Meredith. So she was forgettable. This is the hardest for you to improve on, but the dialogue just needs work. I’m sorry, but the whole time it just felt like it was a caricature of a school in an English university’s play or something. You should just write the dialogue of the characters in the voice that you would think they speak. Just tell them without our jolly ole English, just say what we would say, without our own slang terms, that's my advice. I’m sure you know it. I like the new characters. Rurik and Erik. They’re great, but what about Alena? Who is our main character here? I don’t know who, we just go on to bigger stories and I don’t know who to root for anymore. You need to have a focused center. You can have Erik and Rurik as characters, but make sure we know our established character first. And you did not have that. “Did none of your sons…?” Rurik let his question drift off.” This is a difficult sentence, why would he let it drift off? I’m too picky here, back to the big picture. I don’t like to pry on sentences alone, so I’ll go on. But I couldn’t escape this part: “At this point? Someone convincing her to an unwise marriage seems most likely. There’s half a dozen lords who’d like their sons to be king.” “Why didn’t Rusland make a marriage for her years ago?” Rurik asked. “She’s what, twenty? Far past time she she was married!” Who are they talking about here? I read back and back and couldn’t figure it out. I could only assume their talking about Meredith, but I don’t know for sure. The dialogue just keeps going on and on without establishing it’s subject. You need to make the subject very clear for the ignortant/stupid reader like me. I just didn’t see who they were talking about. Page 21 who is this king, and why he talking so causally to Rurik? “My men report you fought like a - creature out of legend.” The king seemed to be choosing his words carefully What creature out of legend? Give us a legend and a creature beforehand, and then tell us it. This comes off as you couldn’t come up with a creature and a legend. I want to see world building here, give us some real stuff we can sink our teeth into. Who is this king giving out orders to Rurik? I thought the king was dead? “If you tell one of your men to ride patrol, and instead he spends the evening in an inn drinking beer, what would you do?” “Have him hanged,” Rurik said promptly, then felt himself grow cold. “Sire…” Isn’t that a little extreme? Have him hanged for drinking beer? That’s a harsh penalty? Why would anyone be a soldier? Who would want any person to be a soldier if they would hang someone for drinking beer, you need to revise this. Rurik struggled further upright. “I swore not to speak of it outside the Circle. Sire.” What circle? You haven’t defined your magic yet. You kinda did in the last chapter, but I’m not sure how it works. You don’t bring it up in this chapter, and you need to, if its going to be a major piece in the novel. I don’t know what he’s talking about, I’m lost already. “The Theis wizards who taught us magic to fight Durden, they called it berserking and said it was evil.” I don’t like this terminology. This is too much like the Vikings of 11 Ad. They did go berserk, I know with this term means. This should not show up in your fantasy. This is our earth’s history, and culture. If you are writing in another culture, this should not show up. You should use another term. I see where you want this to go. Rurik reconciling his once believed honor on things bigger than him through the king. But this is done all wrong I think. (I could be wrong with this assumption, but perhaps because it is not made clear enough). The king is not present in the first chapter, or even the first epilogue chapter, so he comes as a surprise. Alena is our main character, where is she? I haven’t seen her since? Until you show me her, I personally think it doesn’t really matter.