Darkness Ascendant

Members
  • Content count

    5,073
  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    22

Darkness Ascendant last won the day on May 1 2017

Darkness Ascendant had the most liked content!

Community Reputation

2,312 Steel Inquisitor

About Darkness Ascendant

  • Rank
    6 feet under
  • Birthday 10/07/2001

Contact Methods

  • Website URL
    Never
  • AIM
    Give
  • MSN
    Up
  • ICQ
    Great
  • Yahoo
    Things
  • Jabber
    Take
  • Skype
    Time

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Somewhere in Oz
  • Interests
    Gaming, Drawing, Eating, Science, Eating, Maths, Drawing, Talking, Eating, Reading reading and reading and writing and reading and eating

Recent Profile Visitors

18,424 profile views
  1. Signing up as Noel Miller, Callsign "Skinny Ship" Edited: what are the Defected?
  2. Apparently can access the shard from school o_O, maybe it's time to get back into SE...

  3. Idk man, been the scapegoat of the family for as long as I can remember.
  4. Can relate, cept my family actually have hated me, everything has been taken away and I have had the shard taken away too It gets better buddy
  5. Update (Won't let me edit the above): Got a bunch of painkillers yay
  6. They discover an ancient greek artifact and decide to travel to Greece to meet up with an archaeologist and figure out whether its worth any money. They figure that the artifact is worth millions and the trip will be worth the investment. Shenanigans ensue as the "artifact" proves to be a cheap chinese ornament.
  7. Your words not mine Fair enough, I'm here if you have questions/need help. I'm in Australia
  8. Appreciate it You're sweet, don't happen to be on the shard discord? I don't really use this place that much alas.
  9. Thank you
  10. One of our many flaws
  11. The main one was going through a lot of stuff too and wasn't being themselves either. They're also the one I miss the most. I understand where they come from and sure yeah they kept hurting me but I don't blame them for that either. I was pretty messed up and well they aren't better than me. I accept my failings and I've become a better person subsequently. They haven't accepted theirs and are probably still miserable due to the way they are. I'm no longer miserable because of who I am, only because of my circumstances. I consider that a victory and I'm happy at leaving it at that. I have dreams about helping them sometimes but I don't think they'd ever accept me. I don't care about who deserves what because as far as I know nobody deserves anything, I care about doing the right thing. I've made mistakes and so have they but I'm still really really glad I could help them when I could. Sometimes I do wish I never helped them through their breakup for example (During the toxicness they accused me of being jealous of the other guy where before they'd simply been sweet and grateful). I know I'd do it again if the situation came up again, its just the right thing to do and I don't know what I'd do with myself if I knew I could have helped them and didn't. That turned a little rambly sorry
  12. Okay well thing is they could say the same no? I did treat them just as badly if not more than how they treated me. That's really sweet, I'm honoured that you think that. As I said, I'll be fine- just getting the thoughts out themselves is therapeutic on its own. Yeah, I'm going to try and see if my year advisor at school can get me in touch with someone, do it behind my parents back
  13. Bad day...more like bad life... Skipping through everything up to the past year and a half which have honestly been the worst part of my life (Already gone through the other aspects of my life here). I was going through a lot of crem last year, which translated into me as a person being pretty toxic. I spent most of my time in a state of extreme distress and paranoia and lashed out a lot to the people I loved the most. Whenever I was "lucid" which at times lasted months, I'd do everything in my power to set things straight. Except, nothing was ever enough and I'd end up feeling extremely disillusioned and suicidal and in retrospect talking about how I felt that way to them only served to distrust me even more (Whenever I'm hopeless I become extremely nihilistic and cynical and say stuff like "Oh you wouldn't care if I died" etc). Thing is, all I ever needed was support from my friends. I didn't immediately become toxic like that, nah I'd spent ages trying to get support from them but they always made things about themselves. I'd mention that they were bad at asking me how I was when I would always ask them how they were- so instead of it being about me needing to be asked how I was...it became about how they were bad at asking me how I was. And I'd end up spending my time trying to help them be better at that. Ridiculous, I know. They took it real far too- they'd write "All talk no walk" on their arm each day- which I was really uncomfortable with. And yet despite all these efforts, nothing changed. I got frustrated and sometimes I would snap and rant at them about how they were inconsiderate and a bad friend. Not only was I dealing with my crap alone, but I was also dealing with their crap. Not to mention that I'd spent most of the previous year literally sacrificing my sleep, my sanity and my physical health to make sure they were okay as they were going through a bad breakup. Regardless, at this time I was at wit's end and I'd become a ball of hate and anger, I was frustrated at the situation daily and would snap extremely easily. I regret this time immensely and I did everything I possibly could to make up for it. Except it wasn't enough and a couple of days after my birthday I lost my friends. I...don't blame them for that, just they completely ghosted me, never said goodbye. Its stormed with me every single day and I still miss them immensely. The worst part is, is that I think they all think I'm a psychological manipulator. One of them called me a gaslighter and a manipulator and led me on this little goose chase saying that if I learnt my lesson I could be friends again potentially. I think they've talked about me behind my back and all the circles that I used to be in now feel awkward and cold. My reputation is completely messed up in those circles, where I used to be considered one of the nicest and best guys around. The fact that people think so badly of me hurts me the most, especially since despite what they've done to me I still love and miss them so much. I don't know how to move on from that. In the time I've had since they've left I've recovered extremely well. The first few months were the hardest and I spent the entire time blaming myself- ignoring what they'd do to me (They'd ignore me for days at a time, compared me to my father's...temper...would often call me pathetic. They'd lied to me multiple times and had broken every single promise they'd ever made- in fact 2 weeks before they left they'd promised they wouldn't leave the way they did). I've made a tonne of new friends, have been focusing on my studies and have won some scholarships and had some amazing experiences. Life should be good except I'm still extremely bogged down. My mind is completely stormed from everything I've experienced during my life. I need a psychologist or something but I can't until I'm on my own- my parents would not allow it...long story. I'm extremely paranoid in all my relationships, have a really hard time trusting people and every night I just can't stop thinking about the past and it usually ends up with me falling asleep at 2am with a blocked nose and sore throat from all the crying. During the day its worse since whenever I'm alone my brain just wanders over to those things and I end up staring at walls or youtube blankly. All this is affecting my studies immensely and I'm falling behind on my work real badly. I really want to get into a good uni and potentially do a law/psych degree and then a doctorate in psychology postgrad. I want to be a psych researcher in the field of abuse...its something I'm really passionate about. Furthermore, I've been having a lot of health issues lately. I'm constantly sick and have been developing nerve problems (Involuntary spasms, nerve damage etc). Last night I couldn't sleep because my entire right arm was on fire and it felt like the bones in my arm were going to jump right out of the skin. According to mum there's probably something wrong with my nervous system since it doesn't sound like something like carpal tunnel and I'm currently pumped full of painkillers. If anything happens to my right arm I'm probably just going to commit suicide honestly, I've lost enough and losing something like an arm would just be too much. Although also honestly I've told myself I'm going to commit suicide if (x) happens in the past and never had the guts to do it, just ended up bouncing back somehow. Just with this, the thought of being unable to do so many things, especially art which literally is keeping me alive...is unbearable. I'm not looking for sympathy or help, just needed to vent somewhere and get all these factors influencing my mental issues out somewhere concretely. Its been proven to me a million times that the only person I can truly rely on is myself, and honestly, its helped me become a lot stronger as a person. Out of all this crap the best thing that's happened is that I actually have respect and care for myself, I used to hate myself and consider myself subhuman compared to everyone else but after all this I genuinely have learnt to love myself. Only bit of light in this darkness hey. Whew, this took a while to get out- tl;dr lots of things have lead me to having bad mental and physical health issues and I'm struggling with them but I'm probably going to be okay. EDIT: I also don't understand how my friends could give up on me like that, surely they could tell I wasn't myself right? I don't know how I could go from being a "stick willing to burn itself to warm others" and a "big cuddly teddy bear" to being someone who's "going to die alone and hated" and a "toxic gaslighting manipulator". I'm so shellshocked by how much crap has happened between us and I wish I could turn back time but I can't.
  14. Mine's weird- a few years ago our librarian was throwing out Way of Kings and she said I could have it if I wanted. A few weeks ago a different library was throwing out...Way of Kings and I bought it off them for 50 cents. I don't know what it is about librarians throwing out WoK but as sad it is; if the first never happened I probably wouldn't be here.