Valthyr

Thank you Mandamon! I'm writing this off my phone as I'm on my way back to my place to read the other submissions. I see you have identified a problem I kind of felt would be there - the passive voice. More Laux it is! The helmet reference was there earlier in the story where he "banged his helmet hard in the bulkhead" so yes, they are wearing mimetic suits of synthetic muscle and helmets. Laux is supposed to feel detached for now, but reading your comments I can see I overdid it quite a bit. And no, he mostly doesn't care about the injured and the dead, though he knows it is his duty to save them if he can. The universe this is set it is sort of Warhammer-ish in that regard, and the contract at the beginning is what everyone else has also signed (standart contract of service - makes them know they forfeit their lives basically). Hence his rather jolly reaction to the downed ships. I am looking for ideas on how to make that come across better - acceptable losses are a thing in this universe, and though people care, the officers are more or less used to it, as more experienced members of the fleet.

Starting a new story! I apologize for the text cutting off so suddenly, but I was editing last minute today, and I realized that what followed fit in so badly I had to remove it (also explains why it's less than the 5k word mark). This has seen no revisions and almost no editing, so I hope the dialogue tags and grammar doesn't make your eyes bleed too much. Looking for info on whether you're confused by things and for any major "breakages" in the text that make you not want to read it. Thanks, SV

Any spaces left for Monday?

Hello! ​Before I say anything else, I have to mention I haven't read the previous exceprts, so bear that in mind. ​- What works and doesn't work for you? ​I find that most of the whole prologue works for me. The POV change (if there was any?) felt a bit weird, especially since we couldn't see the scribe in the room (if he was there). If he wasn't, that makes me wonder - what would his orders be? The same (kill himself), or something else? ​I loved the bit about the queen's children. It made me feel something I call the "impending doom feeling". I feel that rarely, but when I do, it sticks in the back of my mind, giving a background to all the actions I witness/read. So - awesome! - I changed Prorochitsa to Prochitsa, does this read better for you? ​I like Prorochitsa more than Prochitsa, but I noticed ... that's a Bulgarian word! I love the fact that you used it, but it got me curious - did you just come across it, or are you researching the culture, or ..? Otherwise, as usual, I agree with Robinski. You paint a strong picture of the Prochica, and she definitely sticks in my mind as someone/thing important, and I think that I won't forget her image soon (even though we'll never see her again, as you said). - Is my scribe characterized well enough for a short passage?​ ​I think the scribe could use a bit more characterisation - my main issues are with his age, but I saw you've fixed that in the comments above. ​He felt a bit flat to me, because his reaction to the Prochica's words was mostly absent from the text. - Does it leave you with enough questions to keep reading? ​Yes! Definitely yes. The questions are not too many (I am not a fan of Erikson's learning curve). ​- Overall impressions? ​I liked it a lot. It didn't hook me right away, to be honest (the first line), but several sentences in I was into it. I liked the fact that you managed to get so much information across in so few words (<700!) without dumping it all at once. I saw you and Robinski addressed the adjective issue, so I'll just mention that I did notice a bit too many of those (adjectives), but it didn't really bother me. I'd definitely like to read more now, so I await your further submissions! ​P.S. Robinski: "​Case in point, as a youngster reading LotR, I went through the whole thing reading Aragon instead of Aragorn. Doh!" ​ Same.

*Gives change back* This: "My approach is to keep both spelling and grammar checker on at all times.​" ​I do the same. It was my first edit that I sent, but Word doesn't help with things like dialogue tags and things like that (and this time around, I had messed up my dialogue punctuation a LOT ). Anyways, you have my gratitude!

Ah, Robinski! I've been keeping an eye out for your input! ​There's a few things I'd like to point out: ​I've fixed the issue with the distance between the girl and the (gentle)man in the beginning (​across the street). ​The "gentleman" is definitely not French. The characters are all British, except for "Muzz". The capitalization of the Stranger is not unnecessary - I do need to reveal that he is the Stranger at the beginning. Actually it doesn't matter where or how he is introduced, circumstances and all - he is a recurring character with unknown origins (on purpose) and unknown intents. His motives are revealed as different in every story (though the outcome of the things he's involved in is almost always the same), and his existence is questionable. I can't really say too much without massive, story-breaking spoilers. ​Grape flavoured smoke - that bit I inserted simply because I smoke cigarettes with grape flavoured tobacco and wrapped in liquorice flavoured rolling paper ("Choice with grapes" tobacco and the brown Zig-Zag rolling paper in an orange packet, if anyone should care to check them out). The Stranger smokes only this kind of cigarettes. F​ixed the tea, the list, the whole part with the air in the beginning has been removed (that improved the length of the paragraph as well), fixed the whole deal with the wallet (she just took the whole thing). Most importantly I fixed the part about "standart procedure". I have gotten rid of the Sherlock reference as it was lazy writing on my side (but i'd like to point out that in the books there is a reference to " the bulldog "; it, however, was never named. They call it Gladstone in the recent movie adaptations, but I didn't use the name so that you guys wouldn't think I was referencing them. All of that is gone now!) ​Fixed the abbreviations and the car thing. This use of "mackerel" I've seen only once, and I loved it there. However, I don't think it's working in my story, so I fixed that as well. Here's where I saw it: The fray of the sunset lays crimson the folds ​of a mackerel night sky smoldering low (Leafblade - Sunset Hypnos) ​You are right about the tension problem. As the author, I have the whole story laid out in my head, along with the character backgrounds, etc. - that leads to me writing something that would be understood better when the whole thing is at least halfway through. That's not good at all, so I'll figure something out until Kaya's personality and view of the world have been properly introduced (and solidified) to the reader. I don't remember if I said it, but I try and let the character I'm writing about influence the way I write their chapters/scenes, and Kaya is not your average person (in terms of reactions, understanding of the world etc.). ​Thanks a bunch, Robinski! I am off to continue her story, keeping the things I've learned in mind. ​P.S. Having to edit my own work is one of the worst parts about writing. I don't know about any of you, but when I'm not editing my content, I'm wasting a ​huge amount of time ​just checking for spelling mistakes, punctuation, proper dialogue tags etc. Since I've just now decided to start writing seriously (regularly, with my focus in life being this), I don't know what's to be expected and what's normal. Any input on that?

I am a bit late to the party, it seems. ​Nevertheless, I read your submission (twice), and I have to say - I am really interested in the story you're telling! Since I've been back on the forums for about a week, I haven't read any of the previous chapters, but it didn't matter. Your writing is concise and awesome, I was easily sucked into the world while reading. I do realize that it's a limited POV, but the people above already mentioned the stuff that bothered me too (like the ​compacted snow etc.). ​I found the pacing was just right for the most part. I felt a bit lost with the introductions of the "male neighbours" in the forge, but that's about it. I really like the way you set up expectations and then soar over them - the father's reaction to hearing Jennie's story is a perfect example of that. Most writers would've had him not believe her, or she'd have never told him - the way you did it is a lot more interesting and fresh. ​About the character introductions - as I said, it felt a bit chunky to me (the paragraph was by no means too long; just that the character introductions were a bit off). I like to apply something I learned in my years of drawing - if you imagine the scene visually, it's much easier to choose the order in which you talk about its contents (descriptive parts of a story in their entirety always reflected the way a painting would work, for me that is; these descriptions would mimic the way my eyes would bounce around the visual equivalent of the thing I'm reading). The major element in the forge is Nate in the middle - that's where your eyes would be drawn to first, so it would feel more natural to me if you introduced him first. That, and the continuous thing he's doing (hammering a nail) whilst the scene unfolds will give me a background to imagine everything else to (otherwise it felt like the others are just standing around doing not much until I read the part about him working - then I immediately felt the scene differently; I think you could achieve that at the beginning). I hope that was helpful in some way. ​I have never, ever kept sheep. That being said, I loved the scenes with the animal - they were both really tense (I was expecting something to happen at any moment; and in a way, it did - she got lost) and funny. The scene had me pinned to Jennie's POV so well, that I forgot to use my real-world brain - I was as surprised as her when she realized she'd gotten lost. ​I'm already liking Will (again - I haven't read any of the other chapters, so he was just introduced to me). He feels honest and down-to-earth, and his characterization in the two chapters was subtle, but enough for me to be "on his side" the whole time. I don't think he is hiding what goes on in his head (at least not from Jennie) - he believes that something weird is happening out there, and is going to try and figure it out. ​Overall: I didn't want to stop reading. The world felt almost tangible - I could imagine the snow, the cold, the woods, the house. And I loved every bit of it. Keep going!

Holy $%#^! ​I wasn't expecting to see so many responses when I woke up today! Thank you all so much. ​I have dutifully removed the opening line - you were all correct, it's cliche and doesn't do much in the way of hooking the reader. I have fixed the simpler mistakes that you guys mentioned, and now I'm in the process of fixing the dialogue. I do have to thank krystalynn03 for pointing it out - I had almost never before written dialogue using quotation marks, and as such I had no idea what to do with it so I just made it up (badly). I had been using - This is the wrong type of dialogue. - He said. before, but I think it was robinski, who pointed out a while ago that it's not very common in English. ​I am going to fix the length of the descriptive parts, or break them up somehow as it does annoy me as well now that I read it. ​I have fixed the character introductions so that there's no confusion about Mus and Veil talking, and I have fixed the "Bastard" part. In retrospect, I realize that some parts may have sounded confusing (like the "lithe frame") and I have fixed them, though I have to spoil a bit of plot in order to explain better why it is so confusing overall. Kaya is not sane. At all. The language I used to portray her as a girl (and she is in fact a 25 year old woman) was intentional - if you see her in real life (I have met such a person) you'd be left with the impression that she's at times really girly, improperly so for her age. But it does have an explanation later in the plot, as do the way the two companions act. And I have his weird idea - I let the characters that I'm writing about influence my writing style - so there may be differences in style as I go along, depending on who I am focussing on. Kaya is girly, dark (for a reason), broken and not very normal?, so I am trying to portray that in the way I write when it's a chapter about her. ​ ​So I'd say that you guys were actually asking yourselves the questions I wanted you to ask, because there's a lot to ask about in the story, and it is all unfolding slowly, answering one thing at a time. If I had answered some of the questions raised this early on, it would break major parts of the plot, so this whole thing was really really ​difficult to write in a way that hints at these weird things without becoming so convoluted that the reader gets lost in it. I am still working on my ability to write this kind of stuff, as it's quite a ways away from my comfort zone involving spaceships, power armour and fighting So your input has been really valuable in determining "what, where, why" and so on. ​Thank you all, and have an epic day! ​P.S. These cookies sound a bit suspicious to me ... but they are cookies, so I will take them!

Hey! ​I have not read your first chapter, so I have absolutely no idea how your magic system works. That being said, when I read this it became apparent to me that it has something to do with death - rather, it has something to do with the instance between life and death, which I think was represented by the timeless, empty feeling of the bar the characters were in. Actually, if you hadn't told me that it was magic, my sci-fi attuned mind would've just gone "oh, so there's some kind of high-tech device that allows them to do this". ​Now on to the story - I was actually quite interested in it. It's a nice manifestation of the "in late, out early" and you did a good job filling in the details just enough so that I understood what's at stake and what was actually happening without drowning me in too much info. Honestly, I'm really curious to read more things from this universe, so keep at it! The phone call in the beginning had me a little confused once I read through the whole chapter - but I figure she was talking to somebody she actually loved (not Kiyoshi), but I got the impression she was talking about her job as a waitress in the Yakuza bar, not the Interpol job. Hmm, curious.​ There were some mistakes along the way like "You know, one of these days, one or both of is going to die from stress" - I think you meant both of us? After that there's "Neat, of course - the same way she had grown drinking it in her New Mexico apartment." - grown used to? Anyway, these are small and easy to mend things, and either I stopped noticing them along the story, or you just made them in the beginning, which I can totally understand (I call it the "I just started writing this" syndrome, when I'm not fully focused on writing and I make mistakes that I don't when I get fully into it). ​I liked the pacing of the whole thing, the switching between the parts in the bar and the memories - it answered the questions I had just in time, without giving me too much information. ​ ​I was a bit taken out at the beginning with the nationality mentions, but that might just be me. I realize you wanted to make a distinction between the two women, but I think that Samantha's remark about how Nakamoto (Kiyoshi) likes white women, along with something like "looking at the bartender's darker skin" would make it smoother? ​The switch between the men at the ending I found really satisfactory, giving a bit more depth to whole thing whilst raising some questions about what happens next - you did a good job at simultaneously answering the small questions, while leaving the big one still unanswered (as it should be this early in the story). ​Overall: I'm actually quite interested in the story, as it seems to be set in the modern world, yet there's this weird magic that I don't understand fully (but I don't think I should at this point, or maybe it's that I haven't read the first chapter - either way, it doesn't bother me). I want to see where it goes next. ​ ​Have a great day!

Hey! ​Thank you very much for the input! You caught on to some things that hint to other things later in the plot ... which means that you're asking the questions I want you to ask (perhaps?) - the fatherly behaviour of Mus and the liquor store (Kaya doesn't walk in because she's not among the ... sanest of all people, i'll just leave it at that; expect more weird behaviour). ​The other mistakes have been dutifully fixed! Bloody is intended here, I do know it is a strong curse (I'm fascinated with all things British ) - the plot will reveal why later. ​Veil is intellectually honest, but that's not all. ​Last, I think I should note that the Stranger is a recurring character throughout the stories I've written and will be there in some future works as well. He's stuck with me ever since I came up with him in 11th grade (I'm 22 now) and if you guys keep enjoying this story, I might delve more into his past - it would give a lot more context to some of the things he sees/says. Thanks again! I'm off to read some submissions!

I do hope the story falls enough within the fiction category that it doesn't bother some of you! Also, when I made my first post here about a year ago, I remember seeing something about cookies. Is the offer still up?

Hey guys! I am back after a long year of things that did their best to keep me from writing but I'm back. And this time I'm here to stay - I am going to try and make writing my profession. I am going to be reading the last few submissions so I can give some feedback, but I also have to ask - is there a free slot for tomorrow?

Thank you immensely for the input! I've been away on family and university things, and I wish I could've written more than I have, but I will make up for it the next few days. I think i will miss or have already missed the deadline tomorrow, but still. I'm going to be paying a visit to the other topics, as I read the things but I didn't have the time to write my reviews. I'm glad you like Myr's story, there's a whole lot more planned than the two chapters let on. Like a female hero, some universe stuff to fully feel the scope of things and more! Stay awesome

Got it! Upon reading it, I realized it needed more. Thanks!

Thanks for the input! Erus is a title, it becomes obvious in another "vision sequence" later in the chapter that Aius, the ship AI is infatuated with ancient roman things. Erus means "master, lord of the house" in Latin. There's a reason they took his lung, arm and eye specifically. They ruined his ability to wield a sniper ... well forever, as modern artificial limbs and organs in that world don't work well enough to allow him to resume his profession. Since they don't intend to let him go, however, it's both physical and psychological torture, knowing that even if he were to be freed, he'd never be the man he was in all aspects of his life. Last thing - I gathered you're saying there should be more indications that it's a dream, since those sentences with his own voice stand out too much? Stay awesome

The first sentence is a really great hook. You have great concepts outlined here, tho I agree with Mandamon - you could cut that sentence down or change it to something else. I'm getting a Neil Gaiman vibe here, though I suspect there will be more fantastic/fantasy elements than in most of his works (He's awesome!). I really love the way the character is addressing the reader as if he's part of that universe. I've always found that that allows me to accept strange concepts more easily, and it draws me in more. I've found myself nodding in agreement with observations made by some character just because I've been spoken to as if i'd been there or done the thing in question, and my brain immediately goes "Oh, well, if we have that and that, and we were there, then what follows is obviously true". This provokes the reader into building up the world in the story without needing too much description. I hope I managed to get my last point across, as I sometimes over-complicate what I want to say. Good work, keep it up!

Thanks for the comments! I fixed the phrasing, and yes you were right - it should be precipitation and it should be drug-induced. The "last" paragraph is not the last paragraph in the chapter, this is a bit before the halfway mark of the chapter, however I wrote it yesterday as the previous draft was not good, and I didn't have time to finish it. I will finish it today, and I did have other chapters to submit that would still make it under 5000 words, but I wasn't sure I could send them. Locked him out of the memory - it will be clarified later exactly what this is, it's not random or a mistake. There's a mention of his "trained mind" somewhere in there too, so those hint to something that you'll see in the next Myr chapter. (Though there are hints later in this one too.) Thanks for pointing out the silliness of the "Every dark drop ..." sentence. That's what happens when I haven't gone back to edit what I've written! Have a great day! EDIT: I can still send the other chapter or the finished Images later today, but since it's gonna be breaking the rules I can send them as personal requests? I already got a new member asking for the Prelude and Prologue, so if anyone wants them, I can send them.

So a couple of notes: It's not finished and I am horribly sorry! However I've been writing several chapters simultaneously as their nature requires it, and I wanted to post this one to see if you guys will like the direction in which this is heading. There is now a prologue and a prelude before The Drop, so that clears up a lot of stuff. Also I fixed everything that needed fixing in The Drop, and you guys were enormously helpful for that. I will thank you by reviewing more things than I did last time, but I got caught up with family things. Since I have no idea when I will be able to show you guys the chapters before the drop, I will include the recaps for them here for whoever cares. Prelude recap: In the last days of a race that lived eons ago we get a glimpse at Hiraeth, Augur of the Loss, who is imprisoned "Away from anything your touch could corrupt, until the stars of the galaxy burn out." Before being transported into his prison, however, he lays one last prophesy on his people - "There is another." Left with that enigmatic divination, the Skalds (the alien beings) then destroy themselves in a civil war brought on by previous actions and deeds of Hiraeth, particularly over a truth he'd revealed to them. (which is important to the book, so I am not going to spoil here) Prologue recap: Colonel Colter is introduced with him walking into a temple during the fall of the city Rana (months prior to the Drop which is the seige of Lenium). He tells the temple Magister to leave as the enemy would soon overrun the city, and the other scholar-priests join the evacuating people outside, leaving for Lenium, the last free city on the planet Aridus. The Magister, however, refuses to leave, saying that his path is one he'd known for a long time and talks to Colter about faith - not faith in a diety (although on this world the only religion is that of the Faceless, and scholar-priests are also called Faceless priests), but faith in the righteousness of his own actions, should they truly bow before the reasons given by heart and mind. The Magister stays in the temple and Colter evacuates(images and visions of the old man start plaguing him as the chapters progress, not sure if i should say this). The Magister sacrifices himself and his temple to stem the tide of Lex pouring through the city by blowing the cathedral up (trust me it makes sense ). In the prologue something is hinted which I will copy off the chapter, as it is important to the drop and subsequent chapters. It is the concept that arboril alloy does weird things: " Colonel Colter touched the Holy wound on his breastplate and walked down the central aisle, his heavy Yadron armor whirring with each movement. Sounds of the frantic evacuation outside flooded through the open doors, but the priests continued intoning their prayers with their hooded heads bowed down in humility before their God. As Colter strolled past rows of wood-lined stone benches, his exosuit started singing back to the Faceless. Its arboril alloy rang, echoing their mantra with dissonant vibrations, the sound gathering from the air around as if the armor pulled in fragments of the melody and crooned them back with its own metallic voice." Chapter One (The Drop) recap: Siege of Lenium is well under way, the Ashen Guard army is on the losing side, and we witness some front line action through the eyes of Colter. A lot of action, though necessary as it is juxtaposed to other chapters where circumstances differ quite a lot from LOUD WAR. We see the arrival of a slightly unexpected armor division led by General Castor, but we get the idea that even with his support, loss is inevitable. (NEW PART) We also learn that there is a field on the planet that doesn't allow electricity to flow - more like absorbs it as energy. We also learn that our guys (The Ashen Guard and Colter) have access to electricity because arboril shields circuits from the dampening field of the planet. It explains why attrition methods are used by the Lex to assault and take over Lenium. QUESTION: Could I send a second piece if the total amount of words is still 5000, and is still within the same book (and it's after the one I've already sent)? I had a case like this now, but I'm asking for future reference EDIT: I didn't have time to edit my chapter, so expect lots of typos and repetitive words along with things that don't make much sense because I forgot them. This is what happens when I apply to submit this week and end up starting the chapter from scratch on the day of submissions.

Any room for me on Monday?

Awesome! I'm glad it helped. And yes, I will put in a clue (A whole prologue chapter) that assures the reader it won't be only combat. Thanks, SV

Thank you for the in-depth review! I've come to realize something HORRIBLE since I posted this to the group and that is - I hadn't fully formed the entire story (at least on a sheet of paper so I'd know what was going on) and this is largely responsible for a LOT of discrepancies in the chapter. Also I've been thinking about some things as if you, the readers, know about - like the Arcs (the Arcs are ships humanity used to escape earth and head to supposedly habitable planets hundreds of light years away). And actually it's just been me going "Yeah, I know what that is - moving forward." Exoplate was the old name for Yadron armor, however I realized it sounds too similar to Shardplate (hence people would think I'm ripping off Brandon, and I assure you I try really hard not to ). You're not supposed to know what Yadron is exactly, except gather from the bits of info that it's augmented armor (power armor). The bit with Exoplate was simply me forgetting to remove it. Comms prevent a blood bath by allowing officers to direct their men according to the shifting needs of the battle. If you have a break to the north of you and you're an officer, you can immediately allocate men from sections where the fighting is less thick and have them contain the break. However without long-range comms people further away than a hundred meters from you will hardly know what's going on, and by the time someone finds out it will be too late. Overall, thank you very much for this input, it's helped me solidify my ideas of what should happen (and how). There are now a total of TWO chapters before this one (A prelude to the whole "series" and a prologue to the book that set the tone and the heading for the books, after which is the Drop, which besides the heavy fighting is still in check thanks to the little Conviction Opus bit, and that's followed by a chapter that is starkly different from the confusing combat). All of this has been removed. I've re-written the entire chapter adding more characterization and I've made the Vaughan bit about Colter. This chapter specifically is supposed to be thick with combat, because (I know I should let my writing defend itself, but since this was my first time posting here I was less ready than I thought and..) this chapter is no longer Chapter One. Every third chapter is about Colter, and the other two are in totally different settings, far less active and the chapters from the front lines are the "counterpoint", the juxtaposition making the shock from so much action akin to that of actually being there (though it's still pretty far off). I have now explained adequately why the Lex are even bothering to fight the Ashen Guard like this (since trench warfare is by far the worst kind there could be). The front of the trenches is not like in World War I (there you had a firestep from which to shoot and the actual trench floor was even lower in the ground). Here the front wall of the trench is lower than the back one, but the added height from the metal wall makes it about the same. The Drop is actually the wall dropping down to allow the Ashen Guard to shred their incoming enemies. Also trench warfare is largely "victory through attrition", so the Lex actually do outnumber them greatly, however the ones that make it to the trench are quite thinned down. However that's been made clearer as well. Last question - do you guys reckon I could send the totally revised and changed Drop (and the prologue) next time, instead of pushing forward with chapter two? Have a nice day!

Thank you for the input! I am right now in the process of removing Vaughan and making his whole part Colter's. That way there are going to be less names and the characterization from Vaughan's part will pass onto Colter and help solidify what type of man he is. I am also adding a description of the Holy wound at the part where they are waiting for the Drop (which is that wall that I described dropping into the ground, instead of having the soldiers stand on a ledge to shoot out of the trench. It has the added benefit of making the first volleys way more deadly and helps with the defenses). I've fixed the typos and yes by armor i mean heavily augmented armor - I have that sentence somewhere in the beginning "Though his Yadron was the same angular plated exosuit that the rest of the Ashen Guard wore, his armor was painted in matte white – a stark contrast with the surrounding sea of grey. " Also it will be made clear later why their defenses are better (spoiler - the Ashen Guard were never meant to be fighting the Lex, they had developed weapons for dealing with heavily armored suits like theirs, which in that case was a bow with ENORMOUS draw weight; the swords were developed as a way to counter the charged blades of the Lex, who have no need for developing new offensive tech as they've almost won the war). I have a question for you guys, since you think the prologue with the aliens wouldn't be a great idea - would it be a good idea if I took the passage from the Conviction Opus and made it longer and more in-depth, and make that the prologue? It would make more room to describe some things about the world and why there is a war and it will ease the reader into this part of my universe, as well as omake the deaths of the Ashen Guard weigh more later. In turn, that will leave more room in The Drop chapter to add some paragraphs that would describe the tech more or add some quirks to Colter. Should I do that?

I haven't read the first chapter, but from what I gather about the aerlands, I'm loving the idea! I think Rendevere and Lianye work really well together, as in they seem different enough from each other and yet still manage to find a common language that makes them the unlikely "friends" that they are. The hints at Rendevere's debt coupled with the way the guards reacted and the small bits of information of him being a war hero raise interesting questions, the kind that make for a good story and character arc. I feel like you've set up a really interesting and engaging world - there aren't any long description-y bits, yet I'm getting a really clear picture (I can almost see most of the world you describe, really cinematic bits) just because you've given relevant information in interesting ways (for example the way you describe the castle and make it work with Lianye's thoughts about the feast there - it gives a reason for you to describe that part of the city and make it feel pertinent). Other things like the pistol (goody!) and yet the old-timey fantasy feel make the world original, not to mention the freaking aerlands which I can feel looming in the back of my head at all times (they're one of the main things that make me read on). The first real conversation Rendevere and Lianye have is really, really good (same goes for the conversation with the innkeeper), but this is smooth and shows how the two click well and at the same time have this gap between them. Rend blushing in the inn when the barkeep mentions two beds is either a really good bit (given he's seen men die and he's been in combat and in all sorts of grim situations) or it's not that great and is confusing about the character - it depends on the way you develop it further. The only thing that kind of drew my attention in the writing is something in the dialogue - " “My apologies,” Rendevere said. " And at certain parts during the conversation with the innkeeper (which as I said feel really well handled), you don't need to tell us who said it. Most times when it's something like "he conceded" or "chimed in" it's okay, but "said" is unnecessary mostly, especially when we know who's talking already. Overall this is awesome fantasy and I definitely want to read more! I was wondering since I joined the forum a couple of days ago and I missed last week's submissions, could you send me the first chapter, I read a lot about it and I really want to read about the two scientists (yey magic-science!). Keep up the good work!

Thank you for the input! I'm feeling really overwhelmed by the positive things you had to say! And the Warhammer 40k remark left me speechless - I am a huge Dan Abnett fan and I consider him a god among men, if I may say so. I am also glad you saw the cinematic-ness of everything, as I strive for that in everything I write. I will remove the quotation marks and I have also gone back and fixed some typos and some repeating words, names etc. But I guess that doesn't matter as much. I beat myself up pretty much over everything, going back to change/fix it all the time (but I haven't fallen in the trap of writing just the first chapter). If you see some of the books I own you'd kill me - marked dialogue, descriptions and so on. I try to be my harshest critique-er, but I needed input from other people who read sci-fi and fantasy. So thank you again - I shall be writing all night tonight, I'm feeling inspired! On a side note - I have a friend of mine who's doing concept art for the book. His deviantart profile is Gollorr - go check him up if you want, he has some pretty awesome fantasy/sci-fi stuff there. Edit: The Lex wouldn't know Castor has tanks! Wait till you see the tech for those, and the arboril forging! Second edit: "It feels like the story will reward paying attention, in that special way only a well-defined universe does." You have no idea how glad I am that you said that. I've spent more time building the universe than I have actually writing it. I've gone through political systems, planetary positions in star systems to make sure they're in the right part of the habitable zone (or not) for what I'm using them; religious reasoning and alteration through the centuries that have passed since the Exodus (the running away from Earth), technology viability and believability

Thank you for the review! I'm going to be reading the other submissions today and tomorrow (timezone difference might upset the timings a bit, but I hope it won't matter). I was thinking of either dropping Vaughan entirely and simply re-writing the part with Colter (thus having an uninterrupted chapter about him) or my other idea was expanding his section. However I think I'm probably going for the removal of the character since my other chapters are about other people from different worlds and I already have 2 characters from this one (Colter whom you've seen and a woman named Seah - she has her own chapter) so adding Vaughan would make too many. Thank you again and have a nice day/evening!