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16 Noble-Blooded

About Valthyr

  • Birthday 09/17/1993

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  1. Thank you Mandamon! I'm writing this off my phone as I'm on my way back to my place to read the other submissions. I see you have identified a problem I kind of felt would be there - the passive voice. More Laux it is! The helmet reference was there earlier in the story where he "banged his helmet hard in the bulkhead" so yes, they are wearing mimetic suits of synthetic muscle and helmets. Laux is supposed to feel detached for now, but reading your comments I can see I overdid it quite a bit. And no, he mostly doesn't care about the injured and the dead, though he knows it is his duty to save them if he can. The universe this is set it is sort of Warhammer-ish in that regard, and the contract at the beginning is what everyone else has also signed (standart contract of service - makes them know they forfeit their lives basically). Hence his rather jolly reaction to the downed ships. I am looking for ideas on how to make that come across better - acceptable losses are a thing in this universe, and though people care, the officers are more or less used to it, as more experienced members of the fleet.
  2. Starting a new story! I apologize for the text cutting off so suddenly, but I was editing last minute today, and I realized that what followed fit in so badly I had to remove it (also explains why it's less than the 5k word mark). This has seen no revisions and almost no editing, so I hope the dialogue tags and grammar doesn't make your eyes bleed too much. Looking for info on whether you're confused by things and for any major "breakages" in the text that make you not want to read it. Thanks, SV
  3. Any spaces left for Monday?
  4. Hello! ​Before I say anything else, I have to mention I haven't read the previous exceprts, so bear that in mind. ​- What works and doesn't work for you? ​I find that most of the whole prologue works for me. The POV change (if there was any?) felt a bit weird, especially since we couldn't see the scribe in the room (if he was there). If he wasn't, that makes me wonder - what would his orders be? The same (kill himself), or something else? ​I loved the bit about the queen's children. It made me feel something I call the "impending doom feeling". I feel that rarely, but when I do, it sticks in the back of my mind, giving a background to all the actions I witness/read. So - awesome! - I changed Prorochitsa to Prochitsa, does this read better for you? ​I like Prorochitsa more than Prochitsa, but I noticed ... that's a Bulgarian word! I love the fact that you used it, but it got me curious - did you just come across it, or are you researching the culture, or ..? Otherwise, as usual, I agree with Robinski. You paint a strong picture of the Prochica, and she definitely sticks in my mind as someone/thing important, and I think that I won't forget her image soon (even though we'll never see her again, as you said). - Is my scribe characterized well enough for a short passage?​ ​I think the scribe could use a bit more characterisation - my main issues are with his age, but I saw you've fixed that in the comments above. ​He felt a bit flat to me, because his reaction to the Prochica's words was mostly absent from the text. - Does it leave you with enough questions to keep reading? ​Yes! Definitely yes. The questions are not too many (I am not a fan of Erikson's learning curve). ​- Overall impressions? ​I liked it a lot. It didn't hook me right away, to be honest (the first line), but several sentences in I was into it. I liked the fact that you managed to get so much information across in so few words (<700!) without dumping it all at once. I saw you and Robinski addressed the adjective issue, so I'll just mention that I did notice a bit too many of those (adjectives), but it didn't really bother me. I'd definitely like to read more now, so I await your further submissions! ​P.S. Robinski: "​Case in point, as a youngster reading LotR, I went through the whole thing reading Aragon instead of Aragorn. Doh!" ​ Same.
  5. *Gives change back* This: "My approach is to keep both spelling and grammar checker on at all times.​" ​I do the same. It was my first edit that I sent, but Word doesn't help with things like dialogue tags and things like that (and this time around, I had messed up my dialogue punctuation a LOT ). Anyways, you have my gratitude!
  6. Ah, Robinski! I've been keeping an eye out for your input! ​There's a few things I'd like to point out: ​I've fixed the issue with the distance between the girl and the (gentle)man in the beginning (​across the street). ​The "gentleman" is definitely not French. The characters are all British, except for "Muzz". The capitalization of the Stranger is not unnecessary - I do need to reveal that he is the Stranger at the beginning. Actually it doesn't matter where or how he is introduced, circumstances and all - he is a recurring character with unknown origins (on purpose) and unknown intents. His motives are revealed as different in every story (though the outcome of the things he's involved in is almost always the same), and his existence is questionable. I can't really say too much without massive, story-breaking spoilers. ​Grape flavoured smoke - that bit I inserted simply because I smoke cigarettes with grape flavoured tobacco and wrapped in liquorice flavoured rolling paper ("Choice with grapes" tobacco and the brown Zig-Zag rolling paper in an orange packet, if anyone should care to check them out). The Stranger smokes only this kind of cigarettes. F​ixed the tea, the list, the whole part with the air in the beginning has been removed (that improved the length of the paragraph as well), fixed the whole deal with the wallet (she just took the whole thing). Most importantly I fixed the part about "standart procedure". I have gotten rid of the Sherlock reference as it was lazy writing on my side (but i'd like to point out that in the books there is a reference to " the bulldog "; it, however, was never named. They call it Gladstone in the recent movie adaptations, but I didn't use the name so that you guys wouldn't think I was referencing them. All of that is gone now!) ​Fixed the abbreviations and the car thing. This use of "mackerel" I've seen only once, and I loved it there. However, I don't think it's working in my story, so I fixed that as well. Here's where I saw it: The fray of the sunset lays crimson the folds ​of a mackerel night sky smoldering low (Leafblade - Sunset Hypnos) ​You are right about the tension problem. As the author, I have the whole story laid out in my head, along with the character backgrounds, etc. - that leads to me writing something that would be understood better when the whole thing is at least halfway through. That's not good at all, so I'll figure something out until Kaya's personality and view of the world have been properly introduced (and solidified) to the reader. I don't remember if I said it, but I try and let the character I'm writing about influence the way I write their chapters/scenes, and Kaya is not your average person (in terms of reactions, understanding of the world etc.). ​Thanks a bunch, Robinski! I am off to continue her story, keeping the things I've learned in mind. ​P.S. Having to edit my own work is one of the worst parts about writing. I don't know about any of you, but when I'm not editing my content, I'm wasting a ​huge amount of time ​just checking for spelling mistakes, punctuation, proper dialogue tags etc. Since I've just now decided to start writing seriously (regularly, with my focus in life being this), I don't know what's to be expected and what's normal. Any input on that?
  7. I am a bit late to the party, it seems. ​Nevertheless, I read your submission (twice), and I have to say - I am really interested in the story you're telling! Since I've been back on the forums for about a week, I haven't read any of the previous chapters, but it didn't matter. Your writing is concise and awesome, I was easily sucked into the world while reading. I do realize that it's a limited POV, but the people above already mentioned the stuff that bothered me too (like the ​compacted snow etc.). ​I found the pacing was just right for the most part. I felt a bit lost with the introductions of the "male neighbours" in the forge, but that's about it. I really like the way you set up expectations and then soar over them - the father's reaction to hearing Jennie's story is a perfect example of that. Most writers would've had him not believe her, or she'd have never told him - the way you did it is a lot more interesting and fresh. ​About the character introductions - as I said, it felt a bit chunky to me (the paragraph was by no means too long; just that the character introductions were a bit off). I like to apply something I learned in my years of drawing - if you imagine the scene visually, it's much easier to choose the order in which you talk about its contents (descriptive parts of a story in their entirety always reflected the way a painting would work, for me that is; these descriptions would mimic the way my eyes would bounce around the visual equivalent of the thing I'm reading). The major element in the forge is Nate in the middle - that's where your eyes would be drawn to first, so it would feel more natural to me if you introduced him first. That, and the continuous thing he's doing (hammering a nail) whilst the scene unfolds will give me a background to imagine everything else to (otherwise it felt like the others are just standing around doing not much until I read the part about him working - then I immediately felt the scene differently; I think you could achieve that at the beginning). I hope that was helpful in some way. ​I have never, ever kept sheep. That being said, I loved the scenes with the animal - they were both really tense (I was expecting something to happen at any moment; and in a way, it did - she got lost) and funny. The scene had me pinned to Jennie's POV so well, that I forgot to use my real-world brain - I was as surprised as her when she realized she'd gotten lost. ​I'm already liking Will (again - I haven't read any of the other chapters, so he was just introduced to me). He feels honest and down-to-earth, and his characterization in the two chapters was subtle, but enough for me to be "on his side" the whole time. I don't think he is hiding what goes on in his head (at least not from Jennie) - he believes that something weird is happening out there, and is going to try and figure it out. ​Overall: I didn't want to stop reading. The world felt almost tangible - I could imagine the snow, the cold, the woods, the house. And I loved every bit of it. Keep going!
  8. Holy $%#^! ​I wasn't expecting to see so many responses when I woke up today! Thank you all so much. ​I have dutifully removed the opening line - you were all correct, it's cliche and doesn't do much in the way of hooking the reader. I have fixed the simpler mistakes that you guys mentioned, and now I'm in the process of fixing the dialogue. I do have to thank krystalynn03 for pointing it out - I had almost never before written dialogue using quotation marks, and as such I had no idea what to do with it so I just made it up (badly). I had been using - This is the wrong type of dialogue. - He said. before, but I think it was robinski, who pointed out a while ago that it's not very common in English. ​I am going to fix the length of the descriptive parts, or break them up somehow as it does annoy me as well now that I read it. ​I have fixed the character introductions so that there's no confusion about Mus and Veil talking, and I have fixed the "Bastard" part. In retrospect, I realize that some parts may have sounded confusing (like the "lithe frame") and I have fixed them, though I have to spoil a bit of plot in order to explain better why it is so confusing overall. Kaya is not sane. At all. The language I used to portray her as a girl (and she is in fact a 25 year old woman) was intentional - if you see her in real life (I have met such a person) you'd be left with the impression that she's at times really girly, improperly so for her age. But it does have an explanation later in the plot, as do the way the two companions act. And I have his weird idea - I let the characters that I'm writing about influence my writing style - so there may be differences in style as I go along, depending on who I am focussing on. Kaya is girly, dark (for a reason), broken and not very normal?, so I am trying to portray that in the way I write when it's a chapter about her. ​ ​So I'd say that you guys were actually asking yourselves the questions I wanted you to ask, because there's a lot to ask about in the story, and it is all unfolding slowly, answering one thing at a time. If I had answered some of the questions raised this early on, it would break major parts of the plot, so this whole thing was really really ​difficult to write in a way that hints at these weird things without becoming so convoluted that the reader gets lost in it. I am still working on my ability to write this kind of stuff, as it's quite a ways away from my comfort zone involving spaceships, power armour and fighting So your input has been really valuable in determining "what, where, why" and so on. ​Thank you all, and have an epic day! ​P.S. These cookies sound a bit suspicious to me ... but they are cookies, so I will take them!
  9. Hey! ​I have not read your first chapter, so I have absolutely no idea how your magic system works. That being said, when I read this it became apparent to me that it has something to do with death - rather, it has something to do with the instance between life and death, which I think was represented by the timeless, empty feeling of the bar the characters were in. Actually, if you hadn't told me that it was magic, my sci-fi attuned mind would've just gone "oh, so there's some kind of high-tech device that allows them to do this". ​Now on to the story - I was actually quite interested in it. It's a nice manifestation of the "in late, out early" and you did a good job filling in the details just enough so that I understood what's at stake and what was actually happening without drowning me in too much info. Honestly, I'm really curious to read more things from this universe, so keep at it! The phone call in the beginning had me a little confused once I read through the whole chapter - but I figure she was talking to somebody she actually loved (not Kiyoshi), but I got the impression she was talking about her job as a waitress in the Yakuza bar, not the Interpol job. Hmm, curious.​ There were some mistakes along the way like "You know, one of these days, one or both of is going to die from stress" - I think you meant both of us? After that there's "Neat, of course - the same way she had grown drinking it in her New Mexico apartment." - grown used to? Anyway, these are small and easy to mend things, and either I stopped noticing them along the story, or you just made them in the beginning, which I can totally understand (I call it the "I just started writing this" syndrome, when I'm not fully focused on writing and I make mistakes that I don't when I get fully into it). ​I liked the pacing of the whole thing, the switching between the parts in the bar and the memories - it answered the questions I had just in time, without giving me too much information. ​ ​I was a bit taken out at the beginning with the nationality mentions, but that might just be me. I realize you wanted to make a distinction between the two women, but I think that Samantha's remark about how Nakamoto (Kiyoshi) likes white women, along with something like "looking at the bartender's darker skin" would make it smoother? ​The switch between the men at the ending I found really satisfactory, giving a bit more depth to whole thing whilst raising some questions about what happens next - you did a good job at simultaneously answering the small questions, while leaving the big one still unanswered (as it should be this early in the story). ​Overall: I'm actually quite interested in the story, as it seems to be set in the modern world, yet there's this weird magic that I don't understand fully (but I don't think I should at this point, or maybe it's that I haven't read the first chapter - either way, it doesn't bother me). I want to see where it goes next. ​ ​Have a great day!
  10. Hey! ​Thank you very much for the input! You caught on to some things that hint to other things later in the plot ... which means that you're asking the questions I want you to ask (perhaps?) - the fatherly behaviour of Mus and the liquor store (Kaya doesn't walk in because she's not among the ... sanest of all people, i'll just leave it at that; expect more weird behaviour). ​The other mistakes have been dutifully fixed! Bloody is intended here, I do know it is a strong curse (I'm fascinated with all things British ) - the plot will reveal why later. ​Veil is intellectually honest, but that's not all. ​Last, I think I should note that the Stranger is a recurring character throughout the stories I've written and will be there in some future works as well. He's stuck with me ever since I came up with him in 11th grade (I'm 22 now) and if you guys keep enjoying this story, I might delve more into his past - it would give a lot more context to some of the things he sees/says. Thanks again! I'm off to read some submissions!
  11. I do hope the story falls enough within the fiction category that it doesn't bother some of you! Also, when I made my first post here about a year ago, I remember seeing something about cookies. Is the offer still up?
  12. Hey guys! I am back after a long year of things that did their best to keep me from writing but I'm back. And this time I'm here to stay - I am going to try and make writing my profession. I am going to be reading the last few submissions so I can give some feedback, but I also have to ask - is there a free slot for tomorrow?
  13. Thank you immensely for the input! I've been away on family and university things, and I wish I could've written more than I have, but I will make up for it the next few days. I think i will miss or have already missed the deadline tomorrow, but still. I'm going to be paying a visit to the other topics, as I read the things but I didn't have the time to write my reviews. I'm glad you like Myr's story, there's a whole lot more planned than the two chapters let on. Like a female hero, some universe stuff to fully feel the scope of things and more! Stay awesome
  14. Got it! Upon reading it, I realized it needed more. Thanks!
  15. Thanks for the input! Erus is a title, it becomes obvious in another "vision sequence" later in the chapter that Aius, the ship AI is infatuated with ancient roman things. Erus means "master, lord of the house" in Latin. There's a reason they took his lung, arm and eye specifically. They ruined his ability to wield a sniper ... well forever, as modern artificial limbs and organs in that world don't work well enough to allow him to resume his profession. Since they don't intend to let him go, however, it's both physical and psychological torture, knowing that even if he were to be freed, he'd never be the man he was in all aspects of his life. Last thing - I gathered you're saying there should be more indications that it's a dream, since those sentences with his own voice stand out too much? Stay awesome