Majestic Fox

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57 Lighteyes

About Majestic Fox

  • Birthday 09/18/1985

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    Newcastle, UK

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  1. I'll join Mandamon next week with another short story if that's alright.
  2. You've got some good things going on in this chapter. I'd say the most compelling thing is the idea you're working with - they definitely piqued my interest. There's also quite a good balance of dialogue to prose, which helps the pacing. Here are some things that might help you improve on the next rewrite. Chapter opening (first page) did not draw me in. It didn't immerse me in E's emotions/state of mind or her immediate surroundings. It didn't make me want to know what was going to happen next. I felt outside of the character - a step removed. Some sentences feel like they're trying to do too much, e.g. D's robe—E wouldn’t call her a majus, not anymore—drifted up in the air with each bounce, but her boots went high enough on her legs that none of her scaly skin showed. Exposition is crow-barred in and feels awkward to me. E was familiar with that skin. She had changed herself into a Ssn before, when they visited the insane Ari in Gloomlight prison. She'd unwittingly worn the skin of those who had subjugated the only remainder of her species. Is this a recap? Wondering why it is at the beginning of the chapter. Is it essential? Passive voice and repetitive sentence structure are the main problems with this bit, and they crop throughout the chapter. I like how D speaks. His phrasing makes him feel distinct. “Me, I can blindfold you if you wish. I can stop your ears and your nose. But you came voluntarily. Your brother, he did not." This is good. I’ll gather what information I can, and then I will free myself. She didn't plan on being here long, if she had any say in the matter. Her brother had been injured and was still shaking off the effects of the conglomeration of Ari in the Gloomlight prison when he was captured. E had come prepared, and of her own volition. She could do better. This bit is meant to establish her motivation, which is good, but it feels a bit distant from E’s emotions. I don’t really feel her compassion for her brother. I don’t get any sense of her emotional state, since we’re being told, not shown. Feels removed. The chapter is roughly 90% abstract (character thoughts, exposition, showing instead of telling, dialogue etc) and only 10% description. When we do get description, it often lacks specificity, movement, and sensory depth. I won't bang on about this since you're already aware of it, but I think this is one of the main reasons I don't feel as immersed in the story as I'd like to. When I'm reading this work it feels to me as though the author’s voice is stronger than the character’s voice. I don’t get much of a sense of who E is as a person - her attitude, manner, opinions, style, weakness distinctive traits, hopes, insecurities, burning desires, her unique way of thinking and experiencing the world. This is another main reason why the story is not compelling me as much as I hope for going in. I like the ending - what happens there is interesting and it does a good job of making me want to know what's going to happen next. The ideas in this story are definitely strong enough, and if you can make the characters more vivid and the prose more immersive then I feel like the novel will be vastly improved. Hope there's some useful stuff in there.
  3. Something a bit different this time.. A fun little faerie tale about a girl who wants to become a trickster. It's a first draft so apologies for typos and any roughness that slipped in. All feedback welcome.
  4. I'll throw another little short story into the hat if no one minds.
  5. Thank you shatteredsmooth.
  6. Thank you all. I very much appreciate it. I'll take all that and improve the story. Cheers.
  7. First off, I'm jumping in cold, not having read your previous submission, so please take my feedback with as much salt as you'd care to pinch. There are some interesting things about this... I appreciate that you've made an effort to differentiate your characters in the way they speak, and the world building is layered in throughout. Those are good things, and there are others, but I'll focus on what didn't work for me in the hopes that it'll be more useful to you. My main problem is that your pyramid of abstraction is inverted. There is a massive amount of abstract (and often dry) exposition, whilst the description is pretty thin on the ground by comparison. This is most notable at the beginning of the chapter. Hardly any words are spent on setting the scene - on conjuring an atmosphere as experienced through R's unique lens. And when we do get description it often lacks specificity, movement, and tapping multiple senses. As a result, I did not feel immersed in the story. The other big thing that stood out to me was the lack of the compelling conflict, particularly in the first part of the chapter. It gets a little more compelling toward the middle and end, but not enough to win me over. Right now I'd say the conflict is level averages out at around 4/10, and I need at least 7 on either internal, interpersonal, external levels (ideally two or three at the same time). Not easy, but then writing is hard. I'll end on small, odd detail. Page 2. '..No one's seen a hint of 'em for so long, could be anything.' This bit of dialogue (especially the end bit) has the feeling of clipped speech and struck me as realistic. It's a small thing, but good work is composed of little details like that. Hope the feedback didn't come across as too harsh. I'm sure you've got a compelling story here, which the folk who have read from the start will have a greater appreciation for than I do.
  8. You, sir, are a gentleman. There is no denying it.
  9. Greetings intermittent writing allies. I'll toss in a short story on the 25th if there's room. Looking forward to reading your submission Mandamon!
  10. Great! I'm alive, writing. I'm trying out a rougher form of drafting (the one we spoke about, where you summarise a part of a chapter if its slowing you down). Just got back from family holiday so will be sending you more feedback soon. Hope everyone is well, and writing : )
  11. Sent LBLs. This one wasn't as strong for me. Couple of issues... 1. Nothing much happens for the first 80% 2. Instead of delightful, opinionated prose, we get long passages of what seems like pretty irrelevant description. J’s opinion, when we get it, is probably the single most entertaining thing in this story for me. It’s what gives voice, attitude and humour to your story. More of it please.
  12. Keep writing then. You're doing well. Don't want that to sound patronising at all. Just that it can't be easy to keep going with all our criticisms.
  13. What draft of the story is this @Jorville?
  14. Having some story issues this week. Apologies for the late submission. Don't think there were many people submitting work this week though. Hope everyone's writing is going well.