molah

Same for me. I quite liked the beginning (although the lack of names was a bit off-putting), but as soon as Ker appeared... I lost all interest. Too heavy on the social commentary side for me. Some things that I noticed up till then: * M doesn't want to be called a monster, but in his head, up till then, he call himself monster * The first time the boy speaks feels like a "As you know, Bob" recap of what happened previously Other than that, I thought this was well executed. Prose-wise, I think it's solid. (as far as I can judge as a English non-native :))

Thanks @Alderant and @industrialistDragon Very good point regarding the lack of focus. You're right, I think I tried to achieve too many things at once and lost focus.

Thanks for pointing that out. They started as memories but then I switched to voices

Oh, that's neat. Thanks! Thanks for the feedback and for pointing out the typos! I agree with you that Max is a bit all over the place. Will rework this sometime in the future.

Thanks for your feedback and for reading my story! I'll make sure to make it clearer when she's hearing voices.

Thanks Jordan! I'll reply inline in bold: Again, thanks for taking the time to read my piece and for providing all the feedback. Very helpful!

Not really sure how to split up quotes, so I'll reply inline in bold: Thanks for your feedback! It's really helpful and confirmed one of my fears: There's still too much of the story not on the paper.

My brother in law has the millennium falcon as well. It makes a really nice piece for a glass coffee table There a tons of people who've done that, according to google: https://www.google.com/search?q=millennium+falcon+coffee+table

As always, I'm especially interested in the feelings / thoughts the story provoked, and whether there are any continuity issues because part are still in my head and not on paper. Thanks for reading!

See you in a month

Oh, thank you!

I've got a new flash I'd like to run by you, but I guess I'll have to wait till the 17th.

Now that I have the explanation, I like the idea of the caffeine. However, it sounded to me like the vampires needed the caffeine, not their victims for better blood-sucking. Regarding the vampire itself: I think it's alright to create a new type of vampire, but you need to make sure the reader understands that. There's so much history around vampires that we all have a preconceived idea of what a vampire is and what not. And actually, I don't think it matters whether M is a vampire or not. I think it's more important that the readers understands that C is now a powerful being as well, that they drink blood and that the caffeine helps with the drinking. By the way, to me it was quite clear that C still wanted to belong to the in-crowd and was still quite hurt of having been ousted.

Wow, that completely went over my head. I dismissed the vampire possibility because of several reasons: survives daylight, lets himself get bitten instead of biting her for conversion and the stuff about caffeine for power.

Hey Robinsky, First off, I really loved the voice. Like, I only wanted to continue reading because I found C to be very interesting and entertaining. The twist caught me off guard. I didn't expect something supernatural this far into the story. It was a great surprise, but I wasn't sure what to make of it. My first suspicion was that he was the devil, and I found that to be very cliché. But I wasn't really able to confirm that, so I'm not sure _what_ he is. And I kind of glazed over the coffee-power-pyramid stuff, because it didn't make any sense to me. So here I am now, not sure what just happened. The story ended with her being in again, and suddenly being the number 2? Because... why? And... what are they doing again? Not sure what to make of the ending, and therefore, what to make of the story as a whole. The ending kind of gave me a Limitless (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limitless_(film)) feeling. Cheers, Helge

Just saw the revision and had a read. Hmm... honestly, I don't like the addition. I think the tone and style changed a lot, and it doesn't sound like a light, run fairy tale anymore, but got more serious. I also had issues with the execution scene. It all seems rather harsh and serious. Why would they bring him to the capital for that? Why would the king be attending the execution? I think I liked the first version better, where the outcome of the rescue was still open, and where the finale was her stunt in front of the town folk.

I liked the story quite a lot. I liked the flow and I got the fairy tale feeling - except for a few places. But I think with tightening the prose and reviewing the style, that can be easily fixed. Examples: * "At least, she would have been, if women were allowed to become tricksters, but they were not." - I stumbled a bit over the "but they were not". I found it redundant and at the same time liked it for the flow. So I'm not sure about this one * "Hearing you will have a chance to acquire me for your own – a path I would very much like to encourage.’", "If you cannot find an answer then our destinies may never entwine.’" - Doesn't sound fairly-taily to me, but very dry/matter of fact * "who could not wait for K. A., leader of the village, to put her in her place." - That sounds like quite a change of viewpoint (to the all-knowing narrator), and is telling us instead of showing. At this point - given that it's something that happens right at that moment - maybe you can find a way to show this instead? I liked the sun beam, that was clever "You will never have this CAPE!" - Why does he assume she wants that cape? You said in the beginning that tricksters would get one from a bolt of living cloth - not that the elder tricksters cape is being passed on - or did I miss something? The "J. shuffeling" had me a bit confused. I didn't follow how that happened (who was who and why) "And sorry for my mood. I thought we would be laughing our way[...]" - Sounded off (out of character) to me... Too reflected, perhaps Again, I really liked this story and I think it only needs a bit of polishing.

Thanks for your feedback!

Thanks @Robinski for the detailed feedback! I'm glad to be back

I'm curious. Was it clear to you that past tense = viewpoint of the past version of the MC and present tense = viewpoint of the present version of the MC?

Thanks for taking the time to read my story and provide feedback @industrialistDragon. My heart goes out to your friends. I'm sorry for their loss. This has come up before and I feel like I need to address this. The story is actually based on a first hand experience. Grief is something very personal and not the same for everyone. I only show a few glimpses of the whole process because it's not the main topic here - it's the motivator. Given that the main character comes off as cold and heartless, I'll have to do a better job to convey where he is with his grief and what happened in the past, the pregnancy and the first year of L's life. The main character actually spent almost all of L's first year with his family - but again, that's not part of the main topic. So I only mention it in a passing phrase. This as well has come up a few times already. I feel this is only an issue because of history - it seems like it would be less of an issue if I reversed the genders. Again, this is based on first hand experience. The wife is neither hysterical nor stupid, but suffering from anxiety and depression. And she's not interested in technical details - which doesn't mean she's stupid. It's just a matter of priorities and interest. And because she's only a side character to this story I'm not showing all this. Apart from all the other things I have to fix, maybe I should really reverse the genders - just to avoid the tropes and avoid being misinterpreted on this topic, which is (currently) quite sensitive.

Hey Alderant, Thanks for the feedback. I was looking forward to it, knowing that you're a father. When writing short stories, I always have troubles finding the middle ground between revealing too much (=boring) and having the readers clueless (=confusing). I'd like them to think to understand what's going on, and to have a bit of mystery. In this case, it's clear that I didn't explain the time travelling concepts clearly enough, and glossed over some details. Interesting suggestion. I'll keep that in mind when I'm going to work on this story again. Thanks again, I appreciate the time you took to help me out! Cheers, Helge

Thanks for taking the time to provide me feedback! I kind of knew I had an Author Problem, but I didn't expect to be so far off the mark! Sheesh... back to the drawing table Your reaction and insight has been very helpful to me. Obviously, I failed to properly convey the inner thought process of the main character, because he's not the monster he appears to be - just very stricken with grief and trying to make things right (in a misguided way). I also didn't want A to come off as stupid etc.

I thought the demon is the child, and the other person (my first mental image was "exorcist") is the father.

First time with a flash fiction for me, too. I was quite confused when I first read through. The first italic paragraph threw me off and I had to reread. I wasn’t sure who was talking and whether the story switched to second person narrative or whether someone was talking to someone else. I didn’t get that the shield was held up by magic until much later, so I had to readjust my image. I thought the father was holding the shield up over his head, which seemed an odd way to play. “a master of his craft.” This sounded very stilted to me, both times. It kind of sounds out of place, because it’s so unspecific. Also, this sentence (cut here, but I mean the complete sentence) seemed to insightful for a child: “You cannot name it yet, […]” I liked the second read better than the first. The first time I was too confused to feel much, but I think you evoke quite strong images with the memory snippets. I’m not sure what kind of emotion you’re trying to cause in us, but I get a rather melancholic feeling from the first part, with turns into anger at the end. I think the payoff might’ve been stronger if you kept playing the melancholic/sad tone at the end, too - if that was your intention at all. After reading the story for the first time, I had to continue working, but I kept thinking about it in the back of my head. It kind of stayed with me for a while, until I got to read it a second time. I think that’s because of the strong images of the past - especially the floating scene.