molah

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29 Pahn Kahl

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  1. Same for me. I quite liked the beginning (although the lack of names was a bit off-putting), but as soon as Ker appeared... I lost all interest. Too heavy on the social commentary side for me. Some things that I noticed up till then: * M doesn't want to be called a monster, but in his head, up till then, he call himself monster * The first time the boy speaks feels like a "As you know, Bob" recap of what happened previously Other than that, I thought this was well executed. Prose-wise, I think it's solid. (as far as I can judge as a English non-native :))
  2. Thanks @Alderant and @industrialistDragon Very good point regarding the lack of focus. You're right, I think I tried to achieve too many things at once and lost focus.
  3. Thanks for pointing that out. They started as memories but then I switched to voices
  4. Oh, that's neat. Thanks! Thanks for the feedback and for pointing out the typos! I agree with you that Max is a bit all over the place. Will rework this sometime in the future.
  5. Thanks for your feedback and for reading my story! I'll make sure to make it clearer when she's hearing voices.
  6. Thanks Jordan! I'll reply inline in bold: Again, thanks for taking the time to read my piece and for providing all the feedback. Very helpful!
  7. Not really sure how to split up quotes, so I'll reply inline in bold: Thanks for your feedback! It's really helpful and confirmed one of my fears: There's still too much of the story not on the paper.
  8. My brother in law has the millennium falcon as well. It makes a really nice piece for a glass coffee table There a tons of people who've done that, according to google: https://www.google.com/search?q=millennium+falcon+coffee+table
  9. As always, I'm especially interested in the feelings / thoughts the story provoked, and whether there are any continuity issues because part are still in my head and not on paper. Thanks for reading!
  10. See you in a month
  11. Oh, thank you!
  12. I've got a new flash I'd like to run by you, but I guess I'll have to wait till the 17th.
  13. Now that I have the explanation, I like the idea of the caffeine. However, it sounded to me like the vampires needed the caffeine, not their victims for better blood-sucking. Regarding the vampire itself: I think it's alright to create a new type of vampire, but you need to make sure the reader understands that. There's so much history around vampires that we all have a preconceived idea of what a vampire is and what not. And actually, I don't think it matters whether M is a vampire or not. I think it's more important that the readers understands that C is now a powerful being as well, that they drink blood and that the caffeine helps with the drinking. By the way, to me it was quite clear that C still wanted to belong to the in-crowd and was still quite hurt of having been ousted.
  14. Wow, that completely went over my head. I dismissed the vampire possibility because of several reasons: survives daylight, lets himself get bitten instead of biting her for conversion and the stuff about caffeine for power.
  15. Hey Robinsky, First off, I really loved the voice. Like, I only wanted to continue reading because I found C to be very interesting and entertaining. The twist caught me off guard. I didn't expect something supernatural this far into the story. It was a great surprise, but I wasn't sure what to make of it. My first suspicion was that he was the devil, and I found that to be very cliché. But I wasn't really able to confirm that, so I'm not sure _what_ he is. And I kind of glazed over the coffee-power-pyramid stuff, because it didn't make any sense to me. So here I am now, not sure what just happened. The story ended with her being in again, and suddenly being the number 2? Because... why? And... what are they doing again? Not sure what to make of the ending, and therefore, what to make of the story as a whole. The ending kind of gave me a Limitless (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limitless_(film)) feeling. Cheers, Helge