molah

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23 Awakened Object

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  1. Hey Robinsky, First off, I really loved the voice. Like, I only wanted to continue reading because I found C to be very interesting and entertaining. The twist caught me off guard. I didn't expect something supernatural this far into the story. It was a great surprise, but I wasn't sure what to make of it. My first suspicion was that he was the devil, and I found that to be very cliché. But I wasn't really able to confirm that, so I'm not sure _what_ he is. And I kind of glazed over the coffee-power-pyramid stuff, because it didn't make any sense to me. So here I am now, not sure what just happened. The story ended with her being in again, and suddenly being the number 2? Because... why? And... what are they doing again? Not sure what to make of the ending, and therefore, what to make of the story as a whole. The ending kind of gave me a Limitless (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limitless_(film)) feeling. Cheers, Helge
  2. Just saw the revision and had a read. Hmm... honestly, I don't like the addition. I think the tone and style changed a lot, and it doesn't sound like a light, run fairy tale anymore, but got more serious. I also had issues with the execution scene. It all seems rather harsh and serious. Why would they bring him to the capital for that? Why would the king be attending the execution? I think I liked the first version better, where the outcome of the rescue was still open, and where the finale was her stunt in front of the town folk.
  3. I liked the story quite a lot. I liked the flow and I got the fairy tale feeling - except for a few places. But I think with tightening the prose and reviewing the style, that can be easily fixed. Examples: * "At least, she would have been, if women were allowed to become tricksters, but they were not." - I stumbled a bit over the "but they were not". I found it redundant and at the same time liked it for the flow. So I'm not sure about this one * "Hearing you will have a chance to acquire me for your own – a path I would very much like to encourage.’", "If you cannot find an answer then our destinies may never entwine.’" - Doesn't sound fairly-taily to me, but very dry/matter of fact * "who could not wait for K. A., leader of the village, to put her in her place." - That sounds like quite a change of viewpoint (to the all-knowing narrator), and is telling us instead of showing. At this point - given that it's something that happens right at that moment - maybe you can find a way to show this instead? I liked the sun beam, that was clever "You will never have this CAPE!" - Why does he assume she wants that cape? You said in the beginning that tricksters would get one from a bolt of living cloth - not that the elder tricksters cape is being passed on - or did I miss something? The "J. shuffeling" had me a bit confused. I didn't follow how that happened (who was who and why) "And sorry for my mood. I thought we would be laughing our way[...]" - Sounded off (out of character) to me... Too reflected, perhaps Again, I really liked this story and I think it only needs a bit of polishing.
  4. Thanks for your feedback!
  5. Thanks @Robinski for the detailed feedback! I'm glad to be back
  6. I'm curious. Was it clear to you that past tense = viewpoint of the past version of the MC and present tense = viewpoint of the present version of the MC?
  7. Thanks for taking the time to read my story and provide feedback @industrialistDragon. My heart goes out to your friends. I'm sorry for their loss. This has come up before and I feel like I need to address this. The story is actually based on a first hand experience. Grief is something very personal and not the same for everyone. I only show a few glimpses of the whole process because it's not the main topic here - it's the motivator. Given that the main character comes off as cold and heartless, I'll have to do a better job to convey where he is with his grief and what happened in the past, the pregnancy and the first year of L's life. The main character actually spent almost all of L's first year with his family - but again, that's not part of the main topic. So I only mention it in a passing phrase. This as well has come up a few times already. I feel this is only an issue because of history - it seems like it would be less of an issue if I reversed the genders. Again, this is based on first hand experience. The wife is neither hysterical nor stupid, but suffering from anxiety and depression. And she's not interested in technical details - which doesn't mean she's stupid. It's just a matter of priorities and interest. And because she's only a side character to this story I'm not showing all this. Apart from all the other things I have to fix, maybe I should really reverse the genders - just to avoid the tropes and avoid being misinterpreted on this topic, which is (currently) quite sensitive.
  8. Hey Alderant, Thanks for the feedback. I was looking forward to it, knowing that you're a father. When writing short stories, I always have troubles finding the middle ground between revealing too much (=boring) and having the readers clueless (=confusing). I'd like them to think to understand what's going on, and to have a bit of mystery. In this case, it's clear that I didn't explain the time travelling concepts clearly enough, and glossed over some details. Interesting suggestion. I'll keep that in mind when I'm going to work on this story again. Thanks again, I appreciate the time you took to help me out! Cheers, Helge
  9. Thanks for taking the time to provide me feedback! I kind of knew I had an Author Problem, but I didn't expect to be so far off the mark! Sheesh... back to the drawing table Your reaction and insight has been very helpful to me. Obviously, I failed to properly convey the inner thought process of the main character, because he's not the monster he appears to be - just very stricken with grief and trying to make things right (in a misguided way). I also didn't want A to come off as stupid etc.
  10. I thought the demon is the child, and the other person (my first mental image was "exorcist") is the father.
  11. First time with a flash fiction for me, too. I was quite confused when I first read through. The first italic paragraph threw me off and I had to reread. I wasn’t sure who was talking and whether the story switched to second person narrative or whether someone was talking to someone else. I didn’t get that the shield was held up by magic until much later, so I had to readjust my image. I thought the father was holding the shield up over his head, which seemed an odd way to play. “a master of his craft.” This sounded very stilted to me, both times. It kind of sounds out of place, because it’s so unspecific. Also, this sentence (cut here, but I mean the complete sentence) seemed to insightful for a child: “You cannot name it yet, […]” I liked the second read better than the first. The first time I was too confused to feel much, but I think you evoke quite strong images with the memory snippets. I’m not sure what kind of emotion you’re trying to cause in us, but I get a rather melancholic feeling from the first part, with turns into anger at the end. I think the payoff might’ve been stronger if you kept playing the melancholic/sad tone at the end, too - if that was your intention at all. After reading the story for the first time, I had to continue working, but I kept thinking about it in the back of my head. It kind of stayed with me for a while, until I got to read it a second time. I think that’s because of the strong images of the past - especially the floating scene.
  12. Hey everyone, A new short story. 3975 words this time. Cheers
  13. I'd like to submit part 1 of a new short story - is there still a slot this week or should I wait?
  14. I’ve been catching up with the story on the limited time I have available – which is why I’m so late to post here. Sorry I’ll try to keep my feedback at a story/plot level. Up till chapter 5 I had the feeling that the writing oscillated between “awesome and on-point” and somewhat stilted and awkward – but I don’t know what kind of draft we’re looking at here, so I thought you may still tighten your language and didn’t pay too much attention to it. In chapter 5, I found that the “flow” of the writing really picked up in the second half of E’s part. (Even S’s part; I’ve found his parts to be jarring to my reading experience – which may very well be my problem. I feel like I’m losing patience with him ) When I started reading chapter 1, I was surprised by the magic system and really liked it. However, I’ve started getting a bit annoyed by the details we get anytime someone does something with the Sym… – and that happens quite a lot. Now on to some more details: I found it strange when E’s mind wandered to world-building thoughts – which are kind of a slow-down – when there’s just this huge uproar about the J’s proclamation. I just didn’t think that E would care for anything but what was going on at that moment – and as I reader I was the same. I wasn’t the least interested in the world-building at this very moment, but wanted to know more about how the situation unfolded. In S’s part, I was a bit confused when it turned out that he was called upon and not going there on his own volition. Up till that moment, I thought it was the other way around. What surprises me, and feels a bit off to me, is the lack of reaction to the bell. When I first read about it, it had a Lovecraftian horror feeling to me – but nobody seems to care. It should be this big scary unknown things mystery, but people are like “whatever”. Feels odd every time I see that reaction. Blood turning to dust – no idea how that feels. I couldn’t relate to that. I really like the banter in M’s part. Feels very natural succeeded in conveying the feeling of old friendship to me. All in all, I think chapter 5 was solid. There’s a lot going on and the world/story doesn’t feel flat to me. I guess I’m missing references to previous books – because I haven’t read them - but so far that hasn’t bothered me. I think I could’ve picked up this book and started there.
  15. Let me reintroduce me, as I've been absence for a few years. The above is still true, but some updates from the past years: After running my short story Elyse through this group, I submitted it to Writer of the Future and got an Honorable Mention. Thanks everyone for your help back then! In 2014, during NaNoWriMo, I started a novel, which I finished in summer 2015. I decided to self-publish it and it's been available on Amazon since January 2016. (with very little success I got maybe 200 sales since then) It's now available for free on Wattpad as well: https://www.wattpad.com/story/59142778-sky-high Life's been a struggle since 2015, so I haven't had a lot of time to write since then. I'm still struggling to find time to write, but I haven't abandoned "the dream". Regarding my favorite books list, I would add the "Red Rising" series from Pierce Brown, which are incredibly good. Looking forward to reading and critiquing your stories again! Cheers, Helge