rdpulfer

Hello everyone, I'm BAAAACK . . . . I haven't read the previous chapters, but I figured I'd just jump right in. - I liked the opening from Mandamon (Hey, I know that guy!) Feldo was a bit wondering, but I did like the sentiments. - I really glad to be reading this series again. I just love the setting and the world. - "She, Sam, Rey, and Majus Cyrysi were tucked away . . . " It might be better to write that she was tucked away with Sam, Rey and the Majus. - Really liked Enos' reaction to Inas' absence and potential situation. It really builds suspense and emotional stakes. - I also like Enos' reaction to Sam's anxiety. - I love Majus Ayama cutting through all the tension with the line "We are trying to save your brother, last time I checked." - "She'd—tentatively—given him some pointers, since they were spending more time together now." - I don't think the hyphens are necessary. - "Beside him, Rilan’s apprentice popped up as if her pants had caught fire." I just really liked this image. Overall, I really liked this chapter. I've just jumped into this story, but I'm already invested in a number of subplots and I want to see what happens next - good job!

- I like the opening lines, just dropping us into the middle of the story, post-nightmare. - "Where else can you go to find shelter from the Devil?" A church immediately spring to mind, which makes it kinda weird that he's going to a park instead. - Why does Michael have a wooden sword? Does he practice martial arts? Otherwise, it feels like a weird thing for a person to have. - I figured Suzie was already dead, but it feels unnecessarily ambiguous in this setting. It's something you probably have to come out and say one way or the other. - It's a good story, but I kept thinking of "The Number 23", that movie with Jim Carrey. Not sure if it's what you were going for.

- Her motivation for leaving alchemy is all three but I feel like it needs to be built up in the previous chapters. It feels a little weird Magda is just asking this now. - I like the tension between Sameer and Sorin. - And I really like the whole conflict with the lake, though the timing feels a little bit too coincidental this occurs right after Sorin and Magda discuss her feelings on alchemy. - Okay, I liked the ending and the revelation for Sorin. I agree that it needs some expanding - it lacks the impact of the rest of the chapter because Sorin is telling the reader how she feels rather than telling someone like Magda - but the rationale behind it really does work.

- "Known to his friends as Rey" - seems a bit expository. Maybe use it in dialogue so it doesn't stick out so much? - I liked the idea of the Majus rodent problem. - I like that he has to complete his task without killing the creature - this adds more difficulty. - I like the climax - as well as the sense of danger throughout the actions. - Overall, I thought this was a fun story. It felt much improved from its predecessor. Good work!

Thanks Robinksi!

Thanks for the feedback @TKWade AND @kais It sounds like the characters need some work. Marlene is definitely intended as a farm girl who can hold her own, but I think I need to work on Joe a bit more. It sounds like they both need some fine-tuning.

- I really like Sorin fuming about the witch. It shows more personality in the character. - Good description, especially of the beauty and terror of the ice. - Ewww frozen snot! - I like the tension between Sorin and Sammer. - I really liked this chapter - the character, the interaction, the humor. I really don't have any notes other than that.

- I'm actually of the opposite mind - a lower competency makes a character more sympathetic, at least in my mind, unless he/she somehow uses that competency in a way the audience finds sympathetic. - I agree you've made the stakes more concrete, but I think it might be good to reinforce that. Try sprinkling in these memories of his old life and what's keeping him away through the story so readers can pick up on it easier. - Overall, it's a good story. The ending feels a bit abrupt and vague to me, but I think it's a good start.

Hello all, Some of you have already read this particular story. Since then, I've done a lot of polishing and received some pretty "positive" rejection letters. The last one mentioned inconsistent POV and lack of character depth. I'd be curious to know what you guys think.

- "the thumb of the Arbiter cannot be escaped" sounds passive and awkward. - I like the intrigue, and the action as it goes from plot point to plot point. - The priest's reaction is a bit one-dimensional, if that matters. - It might be good for us to actually meet Warren, even if it's in a small flashback, to establish his character, instead of Rowan randomly describing them after his betrayal. - The ending feels a bit muddled. Maybe it's because of the confusion Rowan is supposedly feeling, but it doesn't work for me for some reason - it feels a little too short.

Thanks @kais I'm working on bringing out the technology more in the subsequent drafts. I also removed the toll road complication and just made more about taking away drivers' choices.

If there's room next week, I have a second version of a short story I did way back I'd like to submit, but if more than five people volunteer, I'm perfectly willing to drop out since this would be my third week submitting.

- I like the confrontation between Sorin and Magda - and how she feels like a child facing against a full-grown royal daughter. Good observation. - "I don't have time to deal with a witch, either." - Seems like it might be an unrealistic expectation. Generally speaking, witches aren't bound to convenience - Also seems a bit unrealistic that Sorin just happens to "forget her place" after so intense a confrontation. - I do like the intensity of the witch's words building up the tension. - "Thousands of ways to die on a glacier." I want to like this line. It sounds cool, but it doesn't make sense to me. I can see this being true in the woods or a city, but a glacier, it seems like the only threats are the cold, starvation and . . . i don't know . . . polar bears? I like this excerpt. The plot seems to moving mostly, and I like how the characters are clicking.

Thanks a lot @Robinski. Your feedback is going to be super-helpful when I get to it. I've taken out the data cubes. They were only just a means to an end, and so far as I can tell their removal doesn't make a big impact on the story when they are removed. As of my latest revision, her father is an engineer (who thinkers with cars on the side), and is proofing some algorithms for Alice.

Thanks @industrialistDragon