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Showing most liked content on 01/28/13 in all areas

  1. From looking through TWoK for references to The Sunmaker, I think that this historical figure was corrupted by Odium and rewrote the theology completely. We don't really know what the theology was prior to his interference. There are three references to "The Sunmaker" in tWoK: page 353: page 462: page 285: Given the bits that we know above, I believe Vorin theology is completely skewed by what a blood-thirsty 17-year-old wanted it to be. page 285: Supposedly no one knew what the theology truly was prior to the Sunmaker, afterwards people know, but it's shaped through the Sunmaker's lens. I've posted the previous incarnation of this theory over at Stormblessed.com, but I would love to get opinions over here as well. Thoughts?
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  2. I really like the inventive worldbuilding. The flying fish is a great courier, and I really like the starlight-powered machine (astral power rather than solar power?) and the orb-messages. I see where Syme is coming from, and I agree to an extent. There's a conflict possibility (I got a surprise message!), but the follow-through is in the wrong direction. It's the end of a conflict rather than a beginning. Seems like a war should be beginning, not ending. Or his brother has been eaten by Derig-spawn, or something. The formatting is a bit strange, but easy enough to fix. I do want to see more, though. The world seems very interesting, from this brief glimpse.
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  3. Wow, this is some quality stuff you have. I haven't read any other chapters, but I do have comments on this one, at least. I really like the character Origon. He's a smarter-than-thou jerk who also knows how to mess with people, but actually knows what he is talking about. I like how he is so certain of the 'Drain' phenomenon when everyone else claims it preposterous and doesn't give him the time of day about it. Something else I enjoyed was the way he could confide in a fellow Majus, dropping the attitude to talk as equals. These all make for what I think to be a good, rounded-out personality. He has flaws and strengths, some characteristics being in both of those categories. I found it a little odd of a description about his hands dripping yellow while transferring thoughts to someone. I couldn't tell if this was some actual liquid, though I assumed it was really a powerful description of the glow or something, but that didn't seem to have an explanation, though this may have happened in a previous chapter. When Rilan's hands changed color, I came to assume it was simply a glow of power. The only other part that confused me was why Rilan would rush out to aparently confront the assassin when Origon revealed his location. Wouldn't she want more information before jumping to trust his unexplained judgement? This wouldn't stand out to me so much if previously it is explained that she trusts his perception completely, though she says he lacks good perception later. Even still, some sort of particular facial expression would help clue me in to a hidden reason. It's a good way to show he has a way to resolve his doubts about her, but is missing something to this effect. Again, great work! I'm not a big sci-fi fan, but after getting some connection to Origon going, I found it very enjoyable to read and would likely finish the book to see how he develops and the other characters you come up with. EDIT: Also, magi in space? Brilliant!
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  4. First of all, I would suggest you use something that's closer to standard manuscript format. Makes it easier for us to read and critique your work and once it's good enough to actually submit it to a magazine or writing contest or whatever, you'll have less work reformatting your stuff. Your prose seems good overall to me. However, some of your descriptions are a bit verbose. In a novel that would be fine, but it's probably a bit too detailed for a short story. I like the world building you've done so far. This is the first time I've seen flying fish used as a means of communication The problem I see with this beginning is that it lacks conflict. I'm not sure how long your story is supposed to be, but in any case, 1k words is already a good chunk of a short story and we haven't seen any real conflict. Maybe you should consider starting your story later, closer to the conflict.
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  5. I didn't like this chapter as much the previous ones. The first part of the chapter was all right, but nothing much happened there. Could maybe use a bit of shortening. I liked the scene at the gathering. Short and sweet and we have some rising tension with Origon discovering a suspect for the assassin. I was confused by the last scene. Why does Origon suspect Rilan of being a traitor? Why does she attack him when he enters the room? Why does he suddenly become convinced of her innocence? Why does Rilan suspect the Mayor? I guess the last one is unknown to Origon as well, so it's natural that I as the reader don't know this, but the other questions should definitely be answered in some way in the text. On to the more positive stuff. I'm beginning to like Origon more and more as a character. His speech is also much better now. Although I didn't like this chapter all that much, I'm still eager to read more of your novel and learn more about your world. I'm looking forward to your next submission.
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  6. I sometimes wonder what went through Rashek's mind that last night... He's just made a minor but significant change to the penultimate echelon of his religion/government. He's sitting on his throne, on top of the world, devoting some of his attention to the burning city around him, but not much. All of a sudden, his window breaks. A girl comes tumbling in from the night, rolls across the floor, whips out a dagger, and STABS... at the air a few feet to his left. "I'm being attacked... by either a crazy person, or someone with the WORST aim ever..."
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