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  2. main plot

    Mike thought about his reply and then shrugged. He would stick with the truth. We're the squad Guns n' Ninjas. Mr. Itiah told us we could come here to help with the crises. Then someone else told me that you're in charge, so I figured you're the right person to report to. Was I mislead, in that case could you please point me to our superior? Mike's glance followed Wes upwards and cursed. That was looking bad. Like a huge strange could, except that it seemed to be alive. How were they supposed to do something against that thing?
  3. That's a good idea! Here's an updated version:
  4. Brillin stood still, taking in her words. So, what little bits he had heard were correct. A gang war, as well as a cult? And the man who’d jumped through the window, he’d come to tell it to them, for what reason? To warn them? Stress them out? “I’m taking the first train I can find out of here,” he said, the gravity of what was happening dawning on him. He shook the glass off of his shoes and crossed his arms, speaking with venom. “The first rusting train.” Maybe he could come back in a couple of months, when all of this blew over. When it would be safe to return and he wouldn’t be staying in a city which doubled as a battleground for the gangs.
  5. @shatteredsmooth I agree with a lot of what's previously been said--especially the part about where your strengths and weaknesses lie. Some of the most interesting writing in this project has been when you've dug into politics. Some of the most boring has been the action scenes. The fact that you're unsure of E's overall arc is a problem, but I think a more fatal problem is that the writing doesn't seem focused at any junction. In part 1, we start with an infiltration-heist, then we have a celebration where E is out in the open as U's sibling. Then dinner. Then a sudden attack, followed by an even more sudden reversal with a character that I thought wasn't important. The line in part 3 about El being there with U the entire time, and E's subsequent "Okay! Here's my villain!" was blatant. There was no build up, nothing to be suspicious of, no willingness to believe El wasn't a villain all along, to make the betrayal properly punch. I think the story itself has workable material, and your work shines best when you are able to focus on the drama. For example, the celebratory/religious scene in part 1 was beautiful; I felt engrossed, wanting to know more! The world really popped for me and I was able to visualize the scene--but then there was nothing from that I could draw on later. The dialogue at the dinner was great, the drama between E and U believable...until the bot showed up, and the focus shifted from the drama between E and U (which was never suitably resolved by the end) to this sudden bot invasion. I think this whole story can still work, but I think the focus needs to be more on the characters and the turmoil between them, than on physical action and the bots. As it currently stands, everything seems to just be filler until the bot invasion, and that makes the resolution fall flat. A couple of worldbuilding questions I had throughout this adventure-- Why isn't hacking a thing? If society has advanced to the point that bots are widely used, why aren't there protections against someone usurping control of the bots? Why is the CSO only a soldier, in a high-tech world? One would think they would have gained some extra knowledge in engineering and basic hacking, or would employ those with that expertise. I don't understand why the only solution to a robot attack is "shoot the thing". Why is the only threat E would consider ever in the form of a bot? There aren't rebel factions or disgruntled citizens within this society? Combat training is usually something more suitable to fighting people, not robots. I really want to know more about this civilization. I feel like the focus is on a "bot invasion", and that the worldbuilding and drama are just scaffolding to support this idea; the scenes are there just to get us to the drama at the castle. All the interesting bits, the pieces that immerse me into the world, are just thrown by the wayside. I love that the flashback occurred to reveal what happened, but this black skull thing seems like nothing more than a macguffin to force E out of the throne. That's okay, but I just want more of what's going on here to back it up. I never fully understand why this black skull thing is so bad--it's just E gets a black skull, so they can no longer be the leader, and no one ever really comments on it outside that purview. I guess what I'm saying is...don't scrap what you have entirely, just because something here didn't work the way you wanted. There are good things here, but I feel that it needs some more focus and decision. If you want the focus on the bots, make it about the bots. If you want it on the characters, make it about the characters, and let the bots just be part of the world. I think, if you had a greater amount of page time to devote to everything, what you have could work on a broader scale, but with the limitations you have in making this a shorter story, you really need to zero in and focus on one idea. I'd love to see what you make of this piece, though, regardless of which direction you go. Thanks for sharing this with us.
  6. main plot

    Lusk got a message. He furrowed his brow, infiltrate? They were just about to try out diplomacy, and even then, there was a squadron ready to be deployed of marines. Who are you? Lusk typed back. I don’t remember anyone named Mike. —- Wes followed after Mike, hearing Darkness announce them, the Guns n’ Ninjas. It felt a little cool to be part of a team like that. “Woah,” he said, looking up at the dark swirling fog. “That doesn’t look good.” —- The Haunt was a massive figure of fog, now taller than a skyscraper. That gave him some perks. He could hear awes and gasps as he strode forward, he of course could hover as well, but it gave a certain satisfaction to hear the thus of his own steps and crowds trying to avoid being crushed by his weight. Of course, as a being made of fog, he had no weight. However, his great size did suffocate some people with fog who were unlucky enough to get in his way. Because, surprisingly, he wasn’t attempting to kill civilians. He was walking towards that large marine ship in the distance. When he was near he grew bigger and enveloped the ship in his mass, now far taller and larger than any two skyscrapers combined. While fully enveloping the ship did not harm it in any way, it did block all view of the outside world, only being able to see thick fog. He rumbled in amusement. @Grey Knight —- Lusk watched in silence as the ship was veiled in foggy darkness. He cursed.
  7. A slightly cliché but not unheard of theory: What if Kaladin's spirit web was actually mirrored off of/formerly was Tanavast's? Like how Christianity has The Father, The Son, and the Holy Spirit as one being but separate, maybe Tanavast did a similar thing? It wouldn't be the first time "The Chosen One" would be raised by someone who doesn't share all of his DNA (Luke Skywalker*, Rand Al'Thor, Jon get the picture). Kaladin has some pretty strong messianic tropes as it is (not as strong as Kelsier's but strong enough). I'm not saying Lirin and Hesina aren't Kaladin's bio-parents either, because I believe they are. But what if Kaladin was...more? Not sure how it'd play out, but weirdly I can't imagine it ending with Kaladin reforming Honor or anything like that. It's not his path to do so at the moment. *Yes I know Luke isn't The Chose One, but he's the first person with the Hero's Journey for most Star Wars watchers and fans, so he kinda counts.
  8. I figured out were all the pink ping pong balls went. Isn’t that right, @Lunamor?
  9. I looked for them everywhere and then decided to ask Thanks a lot!
  10. I don't think so... I believe he'll either tell us the spells, or let us slowly work them out within rational limits.
  11. “I went into photoshop and deleted the mustache.”
  12. So here is Tess, 2nd draft. I left the stats aside, but I can add them if neccessary. I know the woman in the picture is wearing an armor. I don't need to have one (and especially nothing made out of metal), but I liked the picture. Is there a list somewhere regarding the spells and all that? Edit: Did I forget anything?
  13. There's a new reading from one of Brandon's signings in Germany. Haven't seen it on the shard by now, so here it is: I am excited. And even more sorry that I missed him in Munich
  14. "Because the real Butt Venture had been turned into a mime!" declared Detective Star who had stayed up all night trying to figure out Master of Silence's Plans.
  15. Today
  16. Only the last kill order will be put in. They'll have a document to coordinate. If the same ships is requested by two players, one of them will get the ship. The other will get as similar of a ship as is available, before the players who did not put in requests get assigned ships. So, if you request a specific Poco, and someone else gets the specific Poco you asked for, you'll still probably end up with a Poco. Any ship that comes back will not have its health refreshed, other than it's shield regenerating. You may only have a single ship assigned to you at a time. The reason assigned is used is because technically eliminators have ships assigned to them that they do not use. Force refers to how much damage is dealt, inclusive of shields. Gunners do have an assigned ship that they cannot use. Attacking a rebel does damage to the turret. When making an attack on Krell, you will specify ship, which will be labeled Krell 1A, indicating what turm they arrived on and what number they are. When making an attack on a player, you will specify player.
  17. But it was another imposter.
  18. Hello everyone. I am new to the series, and in love with the Way of Kings book, though I have only just begun the second part. I look forward to the other books, as this has already drawn me in strongly. I love the lore and wish to learn all I can while I'm here. Thanks for this fan site, and I hope I can positively contribute in any way possible. Rom
  19. main plot

    Seom followed Zan, whistling.
  20. Lisa woke up, and tried to stretch, only to be met with a stab of pain. Confused, she tried to clean her eyes, but noticed her left hand didn't work. Tilting her head she tried to remember what had happened last night, and slowly everything came back. Feeling nauseous she grabbed her left arm, lifting it up to see the grey. After sitting like that for a bit she finally got out of her blanket and slowly stood up, grabbing the blade, and walked over to the others, dragging it behind her. "Hey," she said. "Did anything else happen last night after I fell asleep?"
  21. Excellent post my dude. We've spoken on Ancient Roshar and the nature of the magics a few times and this is a great summary. The two bits I particularly like are regarding Nale never drawing on Stormlight from spheres (How have I never noticed this?). I've always strongly suspected fifth level Radiants would not leak, but being able to use Stormlight like the Fused use Voidlight would definitely be a big bonus. Second is regarding Voidbinding. It would make sense that whatever magic system was used on Ashyn, it would be related to Odium. He may not have been the original source but he may have corrupted something like he has with Roshar. I really really like the idea of "giving in" to Odium causes him to take something from you (Your guilt, your pain, your whatever) and this creates a void in you that he fills with Investiture to grant powers. I like this. It may not work like this anymore (I don't think this is what happened with Amaram) but I like it a lot.
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