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  2. Also if sha anat didnt start alone, it doesnt clear him of being sha anat either. Though, I do believe him for now.
  3. Just saying, Sart removing the vote only proves they are not sja'anat, but there's no guarantee sja'anat started alone. Anyway, the way the votes moved last cycle was really quite interesting, but unfortunately it'll take at least a couple of other people dying for information to be gotten out of it.
  4. structure of standard and normal fixings simply, still the producer of this thing has not imagined that it was sensible for a man underneath the age of 18 ye
  5. Today
  6. Good grief, you're on fire. Sorry I've haven't read this week's yet. It's just great to see you break away from GO for a spell and get to the end of some stuff
  7. This is awesome. Well done. I'd like a physical copy. Will you have any with you in Dublin?
  8. Lol, faceplant!! But yes, S is a character who runs away from agency (which must be an oxymoron, but you know what I mean). It makes it really hard to like him, which I don't. I don't like him. I'm acquainted with him. He's in the story. This leads me to think about character change, arcs, etc. Who in the D-verse has an arc and changes from the beginning to the end of book. I don't see O changing (thank goodness! He's the super-best NPC in the whole world), or R. Man isn't really in enough, but in Society (my favourite story still) he does exhibit change, I think, growth. S's growth has been very limited, in my view. I feel like all we've really seen is him go from being unable to go outside, to being able to go outside with some encouragement. His growth feels geologically slow, and I would like to see more in this book, and more over the first part of the book.
  9. Glad to tell you that you're not the only one.
  10. Sorry, took a while to get here. Chapter 8 (page 1) - "honored to study along such notable maji" - 'among', I think. - This opening epigraph is a wee bit underwhelming for me. - Ah, but then I see it flows directly into the chapter, so fair enough. - "chair-high cylinder" - Super awkward. If you just say 'cylinder he sat on' it's directly implied that it is chair-height. Oh wait, it's way more complicated. - "The colors acceptable?" - Lol. Like that. - Confused how they communicate though. I thought the universal translator only worked in the N? - "Neither G nor I am familiar" - are. (page 2) - Hmm, this variation in how the N affects beings in terms of translation seems very plot convenient. Seems a bit arbitrary. - I don't really see why there's a stutter. If the sign language is being interpreted by the N, why would it leave the stutter in? Also, If the tapping is a required part of the 'speech' mechanism, why would it come across as an impediment? (page 3) - "the same concept of gender" - I'm not sure 'concept' is the word. Male and female are not concepts, neither is non-binary, they are real, physical things, proven in practice (as it were). - "innervator" - Did you mean 'innovator'? Innervate doesn't seem to fit. - "the head at the time," - Suggest deleting. They all know this so it's very maid-and-butler. The fact that M tasked TD with something implies M was the leader, I think. - "communal organization" - Is there another kind? - "after the Lobhl was finished" - Suggest deletion, more direct, in the moment. (page 4) - "with picked recordings" - Selected, surely? - "He glanced over the L" - This sounds quite rude. - "The point M is dancing around" - Deliciously pointed banter. Love it. - "gripped the paper in both hands, keeping his hands still" - Repetition. (page 5) - "Society closed" - 'disbanded' seems more suited. - "our search for the edges of knowledge" - Yeah, I've kind of lost track of what they're looking for. - "For the D" - Ah, now it might be WRS, but I feel like I've lost track a bit of what's at stake. Also, you might remember I was a bit 'meh' about the title 'F of the N'. I think it's because it sounds rather like a guide book, a travel guide. Chapter 9 (page 5) - "you been up?” She asked" - 'she', as a dialogue tag. (page 6) - "the base chime" - bass? - "vibrating like a bell" - I don't think a bell vibrates, although things hits by the sounds waves from the bell might vibrate. Then again, they might resonate, or reverberate. - "R looked to the few displays on her walls, making sure they didn't fall" - This seems like a very passive sentence. You always seem to say looking to, not at, which is more direct (I think). Also, how does looking at the shelves prevent them from falling? (It doesn't.) I suspect she more is hoping they don't fall. It's a very dispassionate and distancing account of an effective earthquake / series of tremors. She encountered it? Sounds like passing a friend in the street. I'd have a much scarier description here of nik-naks rattling on shelves, our fear. Why can't some porcelain thing fall and break? I want to be scared here. - "is correct.” he..." - typo. - Repetition of 'jabbed / jabbing'. (page 7) - "without thinking what it would do to the status quo" - This is harsh. Knowing the answer does not necessarily do anything to the SQ, but it allows one to react/respond. - "It was to be the subject of a conference" - Unclear. Is this the right interpretation? - "S and R spilled in" - Excellent. I'm really pleased that you did this off screen. It would have been reasonable to play through that scene. It might have been very exciting, but it's a nice surprise to cut it out and plunge the reader into the aftermath. Well done. - "all of them they were settled" - I know, I know, it's first draft, but I'm finding the narrative fairly wordy and meandering, sometimes. (Page 8) - "Do you know what happened to me" - Ooh, selfish much? (Page 9) - "obvious cleaning S had administered" - I does not seem so bad that he could not clean himself, which would be more usual. This sounded odd to me. - "younger man's" - I didn't know I was younger than S. How much? Also, I isn't a man, surely. And is R not aware of that? - "She looked the question" - This grammar's awkward. Just the wrong word. 'directed' would be more appropriate, I think. (Page 10) - "how much effort the A was putting forth" - Putting into what? I can guess, but not really clear. (Page 11) - "were very limited" - I'd suggest 'are'. He still had the impressions, and it sounds more immediate, I think. - I found the end of this section quite abrupt. Not in the place it was left, but in the way if was left. It doesn't really feel like the end of the discussion, or leave a clear, agreed course of action. (page 12) - "After I returned..." - Seems to me there's a strong implication here that it's because I returned. - "the other man" - I don't think of them as men. Maybe young men. - "sliver of pleasure" - I don't feel 'pleasure' is the right word. Surely, S and R used to be pals. I feel like it's more like 'satisfaction'. - "he chastised himself to be bigger than that" - Grammar: this feels mixed up to me. Wouldn't he chastise himself for not being bigger than that? I've never heard of someone chastising to... something. - "he wanted I all to himself" - I'm not feeling this sudden selfish streak in S. I know it's an emotive topic, and R has let the team down to some degree, but still. - "S sighed, but watched him go" - Why 'but'? the sighing and watching him go are not contrary. I think it should be 'and'. - "which S wasn't going to argue with" - I would say you argue with a person, but you argue against an idea. I'm really struggling with the prose in this section. It feels very rushed. I know you don't wordsmith till further down the line, but that doesn't help me at this point (Page 13) - "Every time he tried to touch I, he shied away as if S would hit him" - (1) I can't remember the stage of their relationship. I gather it's intimate, but I think this is the first reminder/clue to that. Maybe WRS certainly, but I think maybe a stronger representation of this in S's thoughts while I is missing would help deliver the emotional resonance in this section. (2) I find the phrasing awkward with the 'he's' and the names. - "shouted over the constant noise" - He said the chime had rung four times, so there must be periods of silence. I would not characterise a bell (or whatever) tolling and stopping as being constant noise. - "of S a m leaving the apartment of his own volition" - Having the name makes it sound out of S's POV. - "Especially since he had..." - Not convinced about starting a sentence with 'especially'. I'll stop commenting on grammar and word choice now. it's really slowing me down. - "a gong living inside his head" - I find this analogy rather weak. it has the ring of cliche (pun intended). (Page 14) - This bit about S bringing all the people together and then they all get a description and where they've come from, it's really hammering the tension and the pace of this section. I'm skipping now. I don't want or need to know any of this. Get me to the bridge! Brandon, I think, (or Mary)... someone from WE said stay with the character with the most at stake. That's Ori. He is where the action and tension and mystery are right now. - "The bridge has some tenuous connection in the old texts he’s found" - This repeating the brief exchange between S and O. While they all stand around talking, I'm going to the bridge to find Ori. - "How did you get here?" - For a smart lady, this is a really pointless and irrelevant question. Couldn't someone other than R ask it it it has to be asked at all? - "A hadn't seen M-A taken aback like that before" - I would argue that he has several times, most recently when I returned, but surely other times like when the LC showed up, in the prison when they discovered the Ar, etc. - You referred to A and I as men, but here they are tittering like schoolboys which just underlines my current impression of them. Also, their laughter feels totally off tone with the events unfolding, and our of character too. (Page 15) - "vanishing into the distance above" - I read this like it was referring to the bridge before I realised it was the wall. The bridge is the focus of our attention. - This bridge has been a dead end for hundreds(?) of years and no one has ever done more to investigate why or where it might have gone? Seems odd. Feels about like author ex machina. (Page 16) - Repetition of 'trailing', which I'm not keen on anyway compared to following. and it's sitting close to uses of the word 'railing' too, which doesn't help. - "like someone was pulling a practical joke on him" - I feel like that too. Has this ever been mentioned before? It feels like the old Agatha Christie trick of the 'smart' detective pulling out a bunch of facts that nobody new but him/her and were not present in the story before. I've been experiencing wonder at the bridge going into the N and they were standing around knowing the answer all the time. (Page 17) - Bah. It's ringing a bell with me now that R mentions it, but did S not know this already? Surprised it didn't come up in conversation. - Yeah, the pace really picks up once they're at the bridge. I think more glossing over of the walking about would be good. (Page 19) - "You recall when I asked you to find the a connection between the strange occurrences since you arrived in the N?" - I think 'when' is redundant, and there could be more than one connection. I feel like the Ef would not be so narrow and presumptuous in pre-assuming there was only one. - "That was when the incessant chime finally stopped" - I don't think 'finally' is doing anything here. I've been reading about the chime for weeks, so I don't need a reminder it's being going on (and off) for ages. I think the line has more punch without 'finally'. Summary I enjoyed the ending of the submission. It's a very dramatic moment and I'm bursting to read this week's submission now. There are lot of stuff before that that feels unnecessary and a bit frustrating, I thought. I enjoyed Chapter 8, but it did not zing with nostalgia quite as much as I would have liked. Chapter 9 had several issues for me. Them waiting around for the group to assemble felt very unlikely to me. Why would they? Are they not adults? Meet at the bridge, not in some public place so they can all go together. That did not work for me. Overall though, progression of the story was good and the last few pages rattled along. <R>
  11. prescribed portion consistently. Accept the containers according to the headings
  12. main plot

    Alask clicked his fingers. “Good idea,” he said, standing on his toes to see above the heads of those evacuating. How to clear up this crowd? “Ah, there’s a bomb! There’s a bomb!” He shouted and immediately people yelled and ran in all directions, leaving a nice opening. “Let’s go,” he said, cutting through the gap he’d created.
  13. okay thanks
  14. Just make the correcting you said about the pain tolerance and I thi k you are good.
  15. The low pain tolerance is part of the curse by the way(i forgot to mention it in that case its my bad). Also, if that still is not enough I am willing to add a second weakness which is "Neo can only see if somebody has investiture and from which shardic planet it is. It also becomes harder to find smaller levels or invesiture from a planet. For example, if Neo would see somebody with 3 allomantic abilities and a First Oath, he would only be able to see the allomantic abilities for example. If someone would have very little allomancy so lets say 150 breaths or less he would not be able to identify at all."
  16. main plot

    "I'm not - hey." Lena shouted after a man, who had pushed her out of his way in his haste to leave the building. "Sure." She finished her sentence. "The stage, there should be a mikro there. We could use that one."
  17. main plot

    Alask followed her, occasionally yelling out Nekorb’s name. Between the screaming people outside and the space marine invasion, it wasn’t too out of place. “He was with us with the Host guy, right?” Alask asked. “Did we ever see him come down?”
  18. main plot

    At first she wanted to tell him to leave a message or whatever, if Nekorb had gotten lost it wasn't their problem, but then she realized that Alask didn't think that way. He actually cared. "Sure." She replied annoyed and started to search the chaos for Nekorb. @xinoehp512
  19. Gotcha. However, rekindling his relationship with Tarah just feels like too much of a consolation prize for me. I don't like it. Depends on how it is done I suppose. That is personal though. The thing with Kaladin finding a balance before he commits to a relationship is, that I don't believe that to be feasible. He needs the relationship to even start the process of balancing. Right now, he only has one side of the scale, for balancing to happen, he has to get something to put on the second arm of the scale and then balance the scale out. That was the point I was trying to make. It would of course be optimal that he learns the act of balancing beforehand, but I don't believe it to be feasible. In fact, how OB ended on the relationship front for him further cemented his belief of him not being worthy of love ("Instead he felt... agreement?", "Some people can always be happy. I wish I could be too." [paraphrased]), so I do believe, that to break out from this hole, he needs to find someone, who actually shows him, that he is worthy of love. Someone who does love him no matter what. Even in hard times, when he gets struck by depression again. Someone who understands, when he will struggle with finding his balance. I don't believe the existence of such a person is a magical "fix", since the mending process still will be done by Kaladin himself, but rather a catalyst for that process. Basically, I believe, that he can not find a balance before having something, someone, to balance his current responsibilities with. That and his low self-esteem I believe making learning that kind of balance beforehand infeasible. On the front of Adolin and Syl playing matchmakers, I still don't get the comedy in the situation. It's actually a bit sad. Making it humorous kinda just feels like making fun of the guy, who can't let himself be loved due to mental illness. I just can't laugh about that.
  20. main plot

    “Yeah,” Alask said. “You promised we would kill bloodshedders.” At night. It’s safer that way. “We need to find Nekorb first,” Alask said, turning to Lena. “He doesn’t know the way back to the Forge, remember?”
  21. Er, ’twas a joke. Kind of. Also, last I checked it admits to being a traitor.
  22. “Ok. You all cover up the blood that’s already here.” Rob groaned, and moved to a squatting position, slowly standing up and balancing himself. He saw Shana ask for Ben’s help upstairs, and Rob realised he might have needed help too. But he didn’t say anything. “I will stand, where others fall,” Rob said, repeating his second oath to himself as he tried to walk back in the house on shaking legs. His shirt was practically non-existent, large burns ripping through it and barely holding it to him. He continued walking, he fell a few times, one time he fell down the stairs and it was pretty painful, but continued to his room.
  23. Allez les gauchers! A bas les droitiers!
  24. Couple of things. Total skills and power are 170 total. The weakness I would say balances that out. The only thing o would like changed is the boon and curse. That to me isnt balanced well enough the boon is too powerful for the curse.
  25. Shana nodded and slowly rolled over, pushed herself up to all fours. Her arms started shaking and her head swam from the strain alone. Storms, it had been a while since she pushed herself that far. Gritting her teeth she looked to Ben and then inhaled a tiny amount of stormlight, just enough to stand up. "Help me upstairs?" She asked Ben, unsure how she should make it up the stairs on her own.
  26. [ color=whatevercoloryouwant ] Text [ /color ] (Except without spaces)
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