Lose the Freshman 15: Easy, Rapid Weight Loss with CESTODES!
Entry posted by borborygmus
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This is an article I wrote as a submission to a contest in the Waggie, the vet school newspaper. Essay guidelines were write a 500-word humor article relating to vet school. So here's a sample of how dorky and weird I get. xD
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Many new veterinary students struggle with gaining unwanted pounds during their stressful first year. Juggling the rigorous curriculum and the emotional demand of a veterinary education with a new nonexistent social life, coupled with easy, unlimited access to the excellent food available in Davis, including the free pizza often provided at lunch talks, can result in rapid weight gain. A recent study by Cornell University found that on average, freshmen gain about 0.5 pounds per week. (1)
Students often turn to diet, fitness programs, and even pharmaceuticals or surgery to cope with their expanding waistlines, but before you attempt harmful fad diets, spend your study time working out, or waste your money on weight loss pills with phony claims, take a moment to read this report and learn how you can successfully manage your weight for LIFE! This practical, flexible, easy, all-natural, scientific, and organic strategy allows you to eat everything you want, with no need for moderation. Dating back to the 19th century, with celebrity adherents such as the late opera singer Maria Callas (2) this time-honored traditional remedy has been proven effective.
Discover the solution of Taenia saginata, or the beef tapeworm! Simply ingest a little steak tartare containing our patented Cysticerci™, or encysted larvae, and feel the Taeniarrific difference as your very own cestode develops into an adult in your small intestine! Within three months your cestode can be up to 5 meters long, competing with you for nutrients, and helping you lose more weight than you ever dreamed you could, with no need for the expenditure of any effort. Find a new appreciation for your small bowel as you sense your cestode shifting gently within you with every wave of peristaltic motion, and take comfort from the stress of endless examinations with the knowledge that you are not alone.
The uniquely close attachment between human and cestode can result in a powerful emotional experience, in addition to the health and beauty benefits. Dr. Walter M. Boyce, DVM, Ph.D. of UC Davis says of this bond, “Some of our tapeworms are kind of the ultimate companion animals, cause you’ll have them for much of your life.” The therapeutic benefits of the human-animal bond are well documented; keeping companion animals has a significant correlation with reduced stress levels and better mental health.
Order your infective stages of Taenia saginata today, serve as the definitive host for a new best friend, and support the UC Davis Class of 2014!
Results may vary. Potential side effects include abdominal pain, bloating, nausea, constipation, weakness, nutritional deficiencies, intestinal obstruction, and occasionally death if incorrectly serving as an intermediate host for Taenia solium or other species of cestode.
(1) Questionable web statistics
(2) Possibly slanderous article from The Guardian
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