<link>https://www.17thshard.com/blogs/blog/252-the-teal-book/</link><description><![CDATA[<p> This is mostly for others and stuff </p> ]]></description><language>en</language><item><title>Primrosehttps://www.17thshard.com/blogs/entry/1727-primrose/ There's no content warnings for this entry. 

 

Today I woke up at noon and ate two meals (which is good) and did some stuff and overall had a pretty good day. I did a bunch of stuff downstairs instead of hiding in my room and it felt better. Maybe not perfect, but it felt much much better. A little bit less bleak. 

And I wonder, is this normal enough? Is this what it was like before? 

I need more plans of things to do to look forwards to, I think. Tomorrow is an appointment for more HRT and maybe I'll get ice cream on the way back. It doesn't need to be stressful.

My past still haunts me, yes. And there are issues I need to address that I cannot forget so easily. But it feels so... blissful to put them all aside for once.

You may notice that this entry is suspiciously not heavy. I have realized that posting about terrible things and about the cruelty of everything almost contributes to materializing it in my life. While expressing emotion is good, sometimes it can become more of a flood than a stream you can control, and it overwhelms you. And then when every waking moment is spent worrying about that, it becomes hard to do anything else. So this is a test to see if things change in a positive direction instead.

The truth is that I've known for a while that what you talk about influences how you feel. I've just never accepted that to be anything more than a cautionary note. Yet now I can see it, I can see that influence of lingering in the darkness for too long: it can make you forget about the light.

The saying "look at the bright side of things" has always seemed like a naïve statement to make because I assumed things were more complicated. And they are, as much as I can tell. There is not going to be a magical cure to the problems I face and the cure will not be just to pretend that everything is perfectly good and fine. Doing that causes problems when sustained over time. But perhaps for a day or two, it can be a relief instead. An alleviation of suffering.

A day of a perfect little primrose. 

Until it all comes crashing down.

]]>1727Mon, 13 Jul 2026 08:07:40 +0000Stars Asunderhttps://www.17thshard.com/blogs/entry/1724-stars-asunder/

A

topics:suicidal-ideation

Do NOT continue if you are not ready to confront those topics. This is your only warning.

###

 

Fate has a funny way of catching up to us. 

But perhaps I've evaded it more than enough times. There's a calling to the world you experience naturally, one that makes you stay, makes you think. For some people this is goals. For others it may be their legacy. 

I am very much a person who cares about legacy. I want to leave a lasting impression on everyone I meet and know, I want them to remember me and never forget me. 

But now, I have to wonder, what after you impose your legacy? 

Is it finally time to fade?

The world will keep turning without us. It will keep turning without me. I am not... needed, as it turns out. I do not matter.

My calling has long since expired and I wonder, I wonder often... if maybe my time is waning. Because death does claim us all, but it's not always going to be by natural means. I already know the end. I just don't know when it arrives. Perhaps that will be soon. Perhaps it will be later. 

Purpose is so hard to find and even more to hold onto but there is one more thing I have left to cement before I go, the one string keeping my kite anchored in the hurricane: the strong compulsion to provide for others.

I have already mentioned my dedication to this task before, in Permafrost which was more of a reflection. But this is an aspiration of mine, a hope. One day I want to be able to provide for as many people as possible. And in order to do that I need to be alive, I think. 

which means I need to take care of myself. I'm not very good at that, I'll have you know. I've lost about 15 pounds of weight in the last 2-3 weeks due to not eating which is... dangerous (especially considering I'm already barely within the "healthy range"- now I'm underweight) and I have actually awful hygiene habits. It's so hard to care about sustaining yourself further than just... being alive. But there's also a duty to have the capacity to provide, one that I've been neglecting. 

It's so hard to accept that I actually need to care now and that not caring is just no longer an option. But it is my duty, so I have to fulfill it. 

The suffering is never over.

 

 

(essentially this is just bullying myself into not being depressed which is probably gonna just make me feel many times worse later)

]]>1724Sat, 11 Jul 2026 09:47:49 +0000Permafrosthttps://www.17thshard.com/blogs/entry/1716-permafrost/ topics:suicidal ideation,self-harm

don't read more if those topics make you uncomfortable 

 

 

 

 

There's a duty of care that I feel like I must maintain, that is my calling to life. There are a few facets to this: 

1. There is a duty to protect others from preventable harm, to a reasonable degree;

2. There is a duty to ensure respect to spaces I occupy;

3. There is a duty to listen to others, and avoid doing harm to others;

These are very simple ideals, but yet they cause me to struggle internally.

It is incredibly difficult to protect everyone from preventable harm- for example, I do try to reach out to people who are really struggling (even if I think it could be just for attention). But it also it leaves me feeling awful when someone is left hurt and I could've prevented it. It makes me feel worthless, like I don't deserve a place in the world because of my failure. While it's not always my fault, it always hurts me so much. 

It is incredibly difficult to ensure respect to every space- people are very indirect about signaling, so it can be hard to tell if I'm overstepping a line or if I'm chasing someone away or something. It is sometimes incredibly hard to tell if I'm bullying a person into leaving or if I'm bettering the space I'm in. It also can be difficult to tell if I'm disrespecting the space by not leaving; I struggle to acknowledge when a space is bettered by my absence. So I do worry a lot about what impact I have on the people and the space itself. 

Not hurting others is similar- it is hard to tell if I am causing others discomfort and/or if I should take action to stop that. I make an effort to try and not put anyone down or hurt anyone, which does sometimes involve not taking sides or being really passive, but it helps me feel good about my impact on the world, I guess. But people are not always straightforward with what they mean.

When I do follow my ideals and I think I do or whatever it makes me feel like I'm actually doing good in the world. When I don't, it makes me sad. When I think I can't ever fulfill these ideals, I start to consider disappearing from the world. 

these ideals control my life and I can't really do anything about them. Maybe that's a good thing. But sometimes it's too much.

These ideals promote giving up yourself in the name of others, which is good in my eyes, (I don't expect other people to do the same, they're not really my problem) but it is taxing as you would expect. It means I have little priority for myself; it means I get less enjoyment out of doing things for myself, and it means that I can't really... live life properly. Which is totally fine, because I'm content with dedicating myself to my ideals, it's just that I wonder what it would be like to... not have to worry.

what if I didn't dedicate myself to my ideals and actually started caring about myself? What if I stopped seeing my issues as limitations and instead as just quirks? What if I prioritized myself in life? Well, the answer to that is that I would be letting others down. And I can't do that. I can't be selfish and just ignore my duty. 

Quite the strange paradox, don't you think?

]]>1716Fri, 03 Jul 2026 05:37:10 +0000Tainted Riverhttps://www.17thshard.com/blogs/entry/1685-tainted-river/

Topics:gender

If you do not feel comfortable with any of the topic(s) listed above, read no further. I will not spoiler the text in this blog to accommodate for you. This is your only warning.

 

Unfortunately we don't ever get to be pure, you know. Because there are people out there who influence us and who guide us. 

 
What does it mean to be trans?
 
The definition is easy enough to find: Someone who's gender identity does not align with that assigned at birth. But that's just a word salsa
 
Being trans isn't about just being different. It's about a journey with many steps, one that can't be skipped. Admittedly, the way I looked at being trans has evolved over time. 
 
Originally, I presumed I had the courage to simply become a dynamic force and get straight to presenting feminine, and wearing feminine clothes. I thought that it would be simple, getting through the steps. 
 
But over time, that warped into something different. I couldn't become a dynamic force, because I was shaped by the social structure around me. I could not even alter my gender expression a bit for fear of others noticing. So it became a waiting game, like a spider in a web. 
 
I never once wore any gender affirming clothing outside of locked doors, and I never once used a different name outside of tightly controlled spaces. 
 
And there are so many other changes, like how initially I focused on how good it would be later on and now I only focus on how I can make my position slightly more inline with who I am. 
 
Gender isn't really a clear concept to me either. I found that androgyny is more comforting to me than hyperfeminine styles, even though I consider myself transfeminine. It became a representation of a position where I would merely be more happy. Whether it aligned well with labels became completely irrelevant.
 
There is a part of me that worries that when I encourage trans/cis people to question their gender or affirm their gender or guide them with getting started that I am detracting from this vital journey of self discovery. I really hate people who impose things on others, whether or not it is in the best interest of that individual. And I don't want to become someone like that, because I took an oath to myself that I would never become those people that I hate
 
It is incredibly hard to tell when you're overstepping a line, because they are not drawn well. In the same way, there is a part of me that wants to share the joys of being trans with the world. and then there is a part of me that needs to remember that I don't get to decide when other people take their journeys
 
it's hard to show restraint sometimes, especially since no one rewards you or even notices what you don't say[/s], which is arguably harder to figure out that what you do end up saying. It takes a lot of discipline, a skill I am attempting to improve.
 
That's enough for now.
]]>1685Tue, 09 Jun 2026 06:06:36 +0000