So, I recently thought on how I would love to have a friend that instead of just texting, we voice/video called. Or, just called for a mote general term. I've... never had friends I call. I've had a few (kinda) that I text, but I just imagine it must be nice to sometimes just talk to them and be able to have more fluidity outside the confines or texting, and be more natural and stuff... I mean it would be probably even better depending to talk in-person. I've done that some, and it can be good (or awkward since I don't have close friends really).

But... texting can be slow and limited. It can be good, too, but if you have a long text it can take long to type up. It might take long to say, also, but you can kinda get conversation from you and the other person at once. And... you can have more verbal cue type things and noises, like the "uh" "uhm" and hesitations or breathing changes, like sighs or sharp inhales, and silence is more pronounced imo. I imagine. And laughter besides a "lol" or something. Idk.

I also have been able to talk more, as of late, like in general. So the few times I had previously of talking to friends over call (I remembered I actually did it like twice or thrice) and in-person that one time and the few others, so those times I usually didn't talk much but lately I've been able to talk more so yeah.

Idk it's just also a more natural thing kinda and more human, too. I'd just talk, rather than... idk. Texting is nice too, actually. But there are times that I'd like to be a call or something, I guess. Maybe.

Hshehwhweudjbd

On Feeling; or, Newfound Emotional Vividity

So..........

I think I might be out of my depression, or at least the worst of it. For now or for a bit, not sure. Or may still be in it. But it's eased up I believe. Yes. And there are good and bad feelings that come with that.

Firstly, newfound emotional vividity! Lol. Hopefully I used the right words but basically... I feel like I can actually *feel,* now. And the thing is, I can't actually remember if I was the same a few weeks, months, or years ago, but it somehow *feels* very different and new?

I've watched a fair amount of movies and TV shows and anime both while still kinda depressed, and more recently when I was *maybe* not/less depressed? I struggle to define my depression. But, I've felt like I can relate to the characters much more then before (even if I don't remember what it was like before). Things feel new, the *world* feels new. I feel like I've read that described before (probably in the gdb..). But anyway, I feel like every show or movie I watch is, like, a masterpiece or something. Almost every. I feel like I can feel the characters and relate to them, their struggles, their feelings, *why* they do/say/feel something, and their lives. I've gotten goosebumps a few times, or cried or nearly cried. I used to cry a lot while reading or watching something emotional, and I usually *tried*, or wanted, to cry. But I don't feel like I could tell what it was about the characters that made me enjoy them, also. Or why they were relatable. I can scrounge up an old shard post by me about this with the Cosmere books if anyone cares. I still... can't always do it or do it a lot, but while watching a movie/show, I feel connected to the character and, in the moment, I do think of a specific thing/things that plays a role in that.

I watched Encanto again, recently, and it almost made me cry (or did, I forget). I don't remember much about when I watched it for the first time, but this time I was invested in it and the characters and I felt grief for them or happy or sad or whatever.

I watched a movie a few weeks ago when dealing with my depression stuff and the character was pretty similar to me too but I just felt very immersed, like I *was* her. I know that's kinda what media is supposed to do, lol. But it felt different, more vivid more lifelike or lively or something.

I'm listening to an audiobook now, and it has two girls who end up dating but they like each other (it's not even a classic romance lol) and I just felt very relatable to that, I related and I longed for it and felt sad but also felt *very* happy *for* them.

So, I'm not sure if this is all a new thing completely for me, or just a new thing since the depressive episode or whatever, or not new at all. Idk.

And I can sometimes feel like *I* am the character, like I can visualize myself as them and like when it describes waving or smiling or anything I feel like I am doing it too. idk.

But beyond that, I've also been more happy lately. Or, happy more. I think, something. I still feel bad sometimes/maybe even often, but sometimes I just get talkative and happyyyy. And not even talkative always, I get happy alone or quiet sometimes. And it's s different kind of happiness- I'm not just waiting for it to go downhill (even if it does). I'm living more in the moment, I guess.

I guess a good word is "carefree," perhaps. And I smile, genuinely, effortlessly, smile, the whole time.

I look forward to things, too. To D&D club or to talking to someone or whatever.

I still spiral a lot, especially in therapy when I gotta talk about difficult things, or sometimes throughout the day. I still get brainfog or something and feel depressed. But I also feel happy, and when I'm happy the depression isn't like Death looming over my shoulder.

I'm not very sure how I feel and how I feel about things, though. I say I've been happy, I say I've been depressed. But I can't remember much of what either feels like. Or, I can, vaguely, but it's too difficult to remember/feel much.

Too much to think about, I think that's what brainfog is. I think my earlier entry was describing brainfog, perhaps.

I'm not sure what I feel.

Innocuity; or, Trigger Words

Are there specific words, phrases, sentence structures or templates, questions, etc. that... trigger you? Or that irritate you, or make you feel attacked? I've found that, a lot, I wait for the "but" in a sentence, yet (hehe) it never comes, sometimes. When I'm vulnerable to someone and they respond (or before they even respond), I'm constantly waiting for them to criticize or  mock me, or to say how I'm wrong, to shake their head, to euphemize it (guess that ain't a word?) To say "well, it can feel like that, but ____" or something idk. And when I get off track and someone steers me back and I feel bad and also ignored, like all the sometimes pretty vulnerable stuff I just shared was irrelevant and they don't care, or think I'm silly or some other adjective/trait/quality. But that in itself is off-topic. I have certain things, of the types mentioned in the first sentence of this section, that makes me berate myself or breathe in or stop talking because I think something bad is coming. Or get angry, perhaps. I can't really name many because I don't remember, but yeah.

And then, there are the more trigger ones, or just things that I "don't like." There's a.. term I don't like being referred to as because it's something of s compliment and I was called it by a girl I think I liked who I won't see again unfortunately but idk I just don't want anyone else... "stealing" it? It feels special, idk.

And it seems kinda unreasonable to ask people to not use <insert pages list of words/phrases> to/around me. (I don't have a list, but I could probably make one with time.) So, whatever, I just deal with the discomfort every time something of them is spoken/said/written.

But is that like it with you? Do you have them?

Bonus that no-one wanted

Literally nobody:

Me: Labels, Diagnosis, and Internet Rabbit Holes

So cough hah yeah I mentioned this I guess and let's see if I can write something about it.

I was/am (I don't know who I am anymore, tbh. I've started saying more and more in past tense or with uncertainty), someone who goes down Internet rabbit holes of mental illness or conditions or whatever. Yarp. I'm still kinda convinced I have a certain thing that I probably don't and have been told I don't by several medical professionals and stuff.

I find it fascinating, though. It used to be more anxiety-inducing, as I would *worry* I have the thing I was researching, but now I don't worry anymore. I just pay attention to everything I and others do and how it fits the symptoms of any of the things I've researched...

Also I wanna say that uhhh self-diagnosis not necessarily good, or just plain bad idk. And uhh don't do what I do.

And I'm not only saying that for disclaimer-ey purposes. I've talked about this stuff with therapists/psychiatrists/other mental health people, and I've learned that those stuff can be a little too.. general. Or something. Idk if I should be speaking on this in the first place lol. But, symptoms also overlap, etc., and can look similar and not take into account other things.

That doesn't stop my mind unfortunately. But yeah.

Also, lately I've found labels harder to use, because to use a label for something I do or experience or whatever, even like "spiralling" or "brainfog" or "fidgeting" (though less-so) or "intrusive thoughts" or "suicidal ideation" or other things is hard for me because that, to me, implies/requires my certainty, it makes it official.

It says that I'm confident, when I'm not. Or, I start to doubt and spiral when I have to use a label.

Maybe probably.

So it can help for me, I think, to focus on my "symptoms" and how I'm affected by whatever it is, and not have to diagnose everything.

Hopefully I'm not spreading misinformation...

uhh mmm

uhm

bye

But, do you ever get the inability to think? Or to know what you are feeling in this moment, or what you felt in the past? To know what you *want*? To even *start* to get into that tangle/analysis paralysis that you usually do? Maybe this should be in first-person.

I get that feeling, I am having it right now. My natural instinct (a tautology?) was to add "I think" to the end of that. I am like that, I can be. I should also remind myself that I can change, to not get stuck on that identity. And now I am putting my backstage thoughts here with the others.

Anyway, I end up part relying on what I *remember* thinking, knowing, feeling, wanting, choosing, etc., and part not being able to think and "shutting down", getting overwhelmed, not wanting to think about it or anything anymore, until I can properly do so again. I can't make decisions, or struggle to. It can take me hours, it has, in the past. Hours of sitting there, sometimes overwhelmed to the point of crying, other times numb, others thinking or trying to think- trying to get past that block and grasp hold of some thought or feeling or *certainty*.

Like right now, it becomes hard to think deeply about something, anything. I just can't return to my deep ponderings or even some of the analysis paralysis. I'm not calm, even though I am, in a way. I'm calm in expression, body, mind. But that calmness is from an absence of thought.

I had this experience a few weeks ago, while writing a... disturbing stream-of-conscious, where I was not able to hear my thoughts, anymore. They were beyond reach, as they are now. Inaccessible, or accessible just barely. I can type stuff here, and there, but I don't necessarily hear the thoughts behind it, it just comes out, and sometimes it's hard. I don't really know what I'm writing right now and sometimes I need to remind myself.

Perhaps, as I said, it's because I've already done two entries (I think? Maybe one?) before this, and also had some tough stuff in terms of thinking and trying to make decisions about myself and etc. stuff.

But I get like this, sometimes. I'm not depressed right now, at least it doesn't feel like it. But I don't feel the happiness, ease, joy, and energy I felt earlier today.

And, does it matter the cause? Maybe when thinking in terms of prevention or solutions, but not in expression or understanding? Or am I mistaken, I never know, or sometimes do but not like this, I think.

Ah, yes. I try to treat my life as an SQL database. I *try* to filter all my memories and experiences to search for ones which meet a specific criteria. I don't think I succeed that often, if ever. But It's when I'm trying to think of situations in the past. Whether related to trans stuff, or to what my thought process was at a certain time- early last week, two weeks ago, two/three months ago, 10 months ago, etc. (those are all times I've tried to remember, in this way).

So, what is the point of all this? To that I say, I haven't the faintest.

But essentially it's a loss of cognitive and/or emotional ability, depth, or something. At least that's how I self-define it, for myself and by myself.

It's when my mind runs dry, though I can't tell if it's a well waiting for rain or a river with a dam.

edit: oops I forgot to schedule it..

So, some of these entries - including this one - are exploring thoughts/feelings/etc. I've experienced in the past and/or present, and likely already thought about or wrote about- even extensively. But, sometimes those were in forum posts, my mind, my journal, or through more abstract/metaphorical poetry or other writings. Or to people IRL. Here, I can expand on it while also having a different/more permanent audience, or something... that makes no sense and is weird but whatever it doesn't matter, does it?

So, without further ado, have you ever felt unable to get warm? Either literally or figuratively? If the latter, not being able to get warm can describe it. So, I recently read some article or blog post or something, it probably doesn't matter and I don't know when, that used that. And I've used similar.

Anyway, I had this dream once when I was pretty young (maybe 5-8 years old?) that was rather silly but essentially it involved not being able to become warm, even after having *lots* of stuff stacked on top of me (it wasn't blankets, but their function was... comparable). It was sort of a nightmare, you could say. Another example is something that happens after a shower, when my hair is still wet. I want to get comfortable, in my bed relaxing or otherwise, but can't, because my hair is wet against my pillow or hood, and isn't in the shape I want, gets in my eyes, etc. And when I'm cold and uncomfortable - or too hot, though that's different because it has a sense of agitation, of "positive" energy, rather than being "cold" (literally or otherwise) and "negative," depressing, in a sense? Also with not being able to get comfortable no matter how much I shift, what clothes I wear, etc. Sometimes it helps to have my hood up, other times it's constricting or interacts with my wet hair.

Another feeling of unease/discomfort is like with (and caused by, too) having an unmade bed. At least for me. I don't want to make it, but can't settle in or relax until I do. It's both a mess to look at, and reminds me I can't relax fully until it's made. Hence discomfort, I guess.

Wearing jeans, sometimes. It depends on the person, I guess - I knew someone who went to bed in jeans - but personally I can only relax and get in bed to watch anime or do whatever once I'm in PJs or other cozy pants. Jeans and stuff just feel cold or harder, sometimes. I love them during the day, and when I go out, but yeah.

And I'm not sure how much this is making sense but basically I'm trying to convey experiences that either cause or serve as a metaphor or something for the persistent discomfort/unease feeling. It's the feeling that nothing will make me comfortable, at ease, in this body. It passes, sometimes, or fades into the background. It can be hard to talk about it - and other things - when not in the moment, when not experiencing it at the moment, but I think this is fairly accurate to my own experience, or how I remember thinking about/describing it in the past (not in a sense of potential distrust/caveat for the memory, but for the thoughts within that memory at the time.)

It also applies for when my body feels unclean, such as not having showered in that day, etc. Though... yeah. Anyway.

Inability to relax, to calm. Something-something what else do I say on this?

I don't know what the point of this post was, I guess I just wanted to write about a certain feeling.

If I do another today soon, I'll probably schedule it for later.

Lately I've been thinking about a feeling I get and have made at least two attempts to explain it- I think first in my journal, and second to someone I know. It has perhaps no basis or manifestation in reality, but is present in my mind and causes overwhelm and a certain type of hopelessness. I hope someone will understand, and perhaps help me understand. Have you ever used a remote-controlled car, drone, etc., but you struggle to maneuver it, to understand it, to do what you want to? You struggle to move it as naturally perhaps as your limbs? And, even your limbs sometimes feel like that. But anyway, or have you played a new video game and not been able to actually fully connect yourself to the character and be able it control them? You feel disconnected in that you have to look at your keyboard or controller or whatever? You can't remember all the controls or key combinations, you don't move fluidly but haltingly, you press buttons and feel like every time you succeed is a fluke- because it is. I got this feeling when playing Celeste for the first time- and it took a bit to get better, and never fully did. I had a dream some time ago, never mind how long precisely (hehe). But in all seriousness it was like a month ago or whatever, and part of the dream was that my body was within a videogame - Minecraft - and I struggled a *lot* to simply control it. There was one part near the end where I had to actually fight someone - it was life or death - and it felt impossible. How could I fight if I could barely move? I also have dreams where I'm running from something or someone, and I keep having to stop and start again- I somehow keep losing the speed I had. I have to run in a certain way and I just can't maintain speed or go fast. I tire or slow, all the while I *need* to keep running. I get these dreams a lot. It is actually similar to the experience I had once when I played Vanilla/Regular Minecraft after months of using a client to play it (basically some extra QoL features and stuff, if you aren't versed.) And the client basically had an option to make it so I'm always running (technically it's called sprinting in Minecraft). Regular Minecraft might have that option too, but I don't know. So, I had to like hold the keys or something to stay running. If I stop holding the keys or if I hit a block and don't jump in time, or if I stop moving (I think), then it stops my sprinting and the flow of life/game is broken. I hope those examples are relatable for the feeling.

Now, how it relates to real life and my mind is that living feels impossible or nearly so- awkward, hard. Movement feels - *in my mind* - like it *will be* like those examples, which will then disrupt life and prevent me from doing *anything*, which, even in thought, has negatively impacted me. I can't imagine my future, or being successful, both in the regular sense and just in living or therapy. I had an example I talked/wrote about, where my body simply feels awkward and I imagine picking an outfit but it would... be hard. And I imagine it like wearing a skirt, where I had to sit and move certain ways, etc. I don't know if I explained this well... But it just seems impossible for *me* to navigate the world and to live. I'm going through some identity stuff/changes, I think, and part of it seems impossible- but also there's no returning; that is dead.

The thing is, in reality it is easy to move- at least usually, and when I'm happy. I've had days of being upbeat, happy- I've even been described as "playful" once. But when I am sitting/laying with my thoughts and overwhelm and discomfort, I can't imagine doing anything- it feels either impossible or not able to be done fully or very hard and stressful.

And also - possibly a tangent and/or unrelated - I think that sometimes, what I describe, try to describe, try to understand, etc. is actually a shared or even common feeling, but I ascribe some sense of incomprehensibility and just not being regular or mundane to it. If that means anything. And this isn't *just* with this remote-controlled dream feeling, but with other stuff. I'm in group therapy, started recently, and already people have said things that sound exactly like the things I've struggled with and thought were unable to be understood or needed a convoluted explanation because no one else experienced it and needed it explained. Or something.

But with the feeling this post is about... it makes my future seem impossible. Impossible to make friends and live and fit in and settle in and function, because... maybe because I am not me? Possibly dissociation in a depression/dysphoria sense. Disconnect from reality or my body, etc. I don't think I've explored this feeling much, though. I don't know.

So... I'm listening to The Emptiness Machine for the second separate time. First time(s) was months ago, I think it was suggested by @Honors Spectral Image, or someone? I've been craving music like Linkin for weeks.

Now, another song is on. Just shuffle- More the Victim now.

This all goes back to what happened a few weeks ago, and some temporary great people I met. There was one who loved Linkin and other music, and another who liked this one song. I miss them both deeply, and so I'm trying to use music to remind myself of them- not sure how much it's working. Not only that but I also just developed a craving for this music, even while still with them. So I'm finally allowing myself - and allowed - it.

Sometimes I struggle, when I *want* to feel a specific emotion or feeling or thought from something, but can't. Same when reading something and I want to get something out of it but can't understand or get anything and I can't focus on it, because I'm just trying to feel something. Not sure if that makes sense.

Like, (and I realize I need to actually provide examples sometimes, because what I have in mind is likely not in mind for You, lol) when reading poetry or something I know I should get meaning or feel something from, I... just can't- or find it difficult. I end up re-reading or analyzing the words or just trying to get to the point where I can nod slowly at how thought-provoking and "deep" it probably is. Sigh.

Unrelated, but you know how you can say something that sounds right and is "fancy" or will make you sound smart? There's actually a good scene from the movie Goodwill Hunting (it's rated R btw and uhhh don't watch it if you're young or whatever?), but basically this college student recited something from a book that sounded intellectual, to some college girls or whatever, and then the main character, Will, exposes that guy for being not what he sounds like, and Will talks smarter/burns him (verbally, of course). So yeah. Also basically this one phrase has been on my mind lately... it was probably on the internet somewhere when I looked up something about philosophy... "central to the human condition." As in "____ is central to the human condition." I don't fully even know what the human condition is, though I kinda do. But it sounds kinda scholarly, no? But if you don't actually know if it is correct, you can't use it? Though, I would/will/do just fall in the... perfectionism trap of not believing myself able to talk about something until I've read it all, understood it, and understand essentially everything in that field. Because, what if I say something that is incorrect or debunked or whatever, in that very field? How can I trust that my interpretation of some text is accurate? And, if no one (of few) agree(s) with you on something, it shouldn't necessarily disprove you? Maybe they just never thought of that. Or, you are simply wrong, they are right, you know no better and thus should not even be here- what are you doing here, with no expertise, stick to what you know, the basics, don't venture beyond.

Just some thoughts- some I already wrote in a journal or thought of, some I thought of but didn't get down.