Ignore that forst likne

So I think I posted or wrote baout this before, at least abstractly/indirectly, but ima talk about axniety or something like that in publiccccc but in my head.

so its related if any of you remeber me talkingabout the futue seeming impossible. i think its the same feeling, but i think i undeestnd it a bit more.

i did a bike ride around public yesterday, and it was great. *but,* i was anxious before it cuz it felt impossible and i didnt want to do it and i hadnt rode a bike in years also.

but in my head i imagined it as me careening (is that the right word?) through the streets and stuff and maybe downhill too with people and cars everywhere and having to look back and forth each way and having my vision partially obsreucted though and basically i imaged it NOT as a pleasant experience. i insgined having to worry about running into someone or sumomething or being eun into or sinply just like not following the road and not moving in time etc...

the only thing eeason helped me is that i told myself that ive felt this before but when i actually do it and go into public or whatever then its actually pretty fine, and also kinda if it has bad stuff i can desl with it in the moment. like, i told myself to.. idk? like i also just pictured myself kinda succesfuly doing it (biking), and like told myself to do it cuz i know its less worse than i think.

so yeah.

and it wnded up being good! there were also uhh not many people/cars around anyway so lol but still. or maybe just not as many as id catastophized....

as for other anxieties .  well... those are stormin' aplenty ....

at least i think

hehe

now ive just been sitting here tellin myself "wdym lol, ofc you dont have anxiety u fool uwu lol storm u :3" or something similiæ.

ok so not wuite that bad but thats what i usually would say, or worse. but snyway i hav immense brain fog i think today so i literally just like..  either cant think of feel like i cant think, and i cant come to any conclusions or definites. because asking myself if i actually have depression or anxiety or whatever the ado requires me . well it leads me to then have to question everything and review and remember and ado i cant do that so i cant come to a definite/conlucsion, so yeh. or at leadt something like that .

but i have that same anxiety like the biking one about lots of things future-wise and ado i hate ittttt

it makes everything so... idk, hard? like it just makes me worry and i just cant stormin do it or think abt it and like even if the plan is alresdy set i just doubt or question or worry about how itll go and damn nnnnn......

uhh was i gunna say sumtin ewse?

idk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

i guess like i really am not living in the moment brooooo

edit: oh yeah and uh the brain fog thingies that i said make it hard to do these weird analysises or thinkings or whatever the ado they are, like thinking about what i think. unles ive idk .. thought about it? tehe :3 i mean like uwu when i ... when i ..what was i gunna say ........ when its when i have a prompt sorta

idk naybe its <half-formulated thiught>

basically Happiness Pt. 2 tho

im kinda dizzy cuz i aint drank water today much yet idk and been sitting and wtcr it doesnt matter but it gives me brain fog i think and when i move a little bit in this i feel the dizziness and yeah but like i reLized when talking slightly anbout fourth of jul with people here on shard that i cant argue any or say any or have any oponions on it when suually id probly hate it for kinda no reason other than hstigng evrrything and hating america and everyoen (not in a political way, i dont think. idk..maybe.) i basically hate things but anyway yyyy dont ask me to aegue debate cuz i would maybe suck and naybe little authority which is a good word but also uhm what am i saying

so i am happi but also dizzy and so like i can talk i mean and write but not think, so like brain

thats a song by Kanaria or someone no by.. by the yoiderashu or whatever person? you know. but yeah that i skipped yesterday but anyway

uhhhh

yeah so dizzy brainfog that i cant thinkkkkk

and idk and i kinda... lately and also now ive been... ljke... caring about people more? or .. no thats maybe wrong, like ive been... mor interested maybe or accepting or something maybe? oragbe not i cant tell. but like... not sure if im suppsed to talk about this but like religion and stuff. im not religious but i somehow lately have been inteogued by it and people who are religious and like... by it but maybe just as a cocnept i mean like maybe nnot even religion itself just people who are different than me or that have something or .. i have no idea, beainfog maybe cause or otherwise it dont really matter maybe i think probably?

but i

dont remebe what i was funna say, if anything uwuwwwwwwwuuuuuu

this was a stupid entey lollllllllllllwhwhehehe

hehe

teheeee

i feel dizzy and it feels bad to thing about it but its fineeeeeee

dont worry by the way i dont need that

dont talk dont lol dont uwu the crowbars caw of remanded fireeeee

— The Heavy Heavy, Happiness

I gues im doing epigraphs now? That's (the hapiness quote) from a song, it just popped up in me head...

but its true.

and i been having finding happines, too. Im hapy now, oi fink. until i stated wroghting this, of course. now my beutral face is reitneing (returning). smile be receeding.

i been baddddd lately, sad and bad and angy :3

idk nvm im happy now uwu

ill try not to ruin it

but omg am i kinda prty happy :3

thisbe a weird post

last night i was being i was happy and then i got very saddddddddd. So i distracted myself, yes. I organized my room cuz why not cuz yes. Then i went to bed instead and decided not to stay ip all night. I used to (in the past and more recently) want to stay up all night, and i even did that once. But now i have no desire to, isn't that odd? I'm just like... no ples or like no thats not fun no i dont relly want to anymore, im fine goin to slepe :3

idk i just feel happiiiiii

i mean i feel like slighly gidsy but like i dont wanna... yk do bad stuff to myself anymore, for now at least. maybe its the music and fun stuff im doing just chilling and just having fun and even with and with people, but maybe and maybe its texting/sharding, maybe its nothing, maybe its everythint or something, maybe it doesnt matter and im just happy :3

i went on a bike ride for 1-2 howurs yesterday as i alredy said like thrice (this bein the thricethird). But it was first time in a while i biked and i havnt gotten exorcise recently lately and it was nice i think and yes great it was was it.

other Factors too are present like related to therapy type stuff and actually wanting good for myself and i mean like being good and pleasant

i know i said that time a few weeks ago i felt motivation to be good and not bad and idk i felt it now feel it now, and even i know i was bad recently and very like yeah but now im feeling good again so idk ill enjoy and try to last it longer for mine and others sake cuz i unfortunately influct misery a bit umm yeah on myeslslf and others by my words so uhm yeh ...

last night sucked but i made it good by organizing as a distraction and that was coollll

i got atuff done and i also distracted :3

even tho i didnt get a ton of sleep i still got a decent amount and im fine with that, ill probably maybe get regualr sleep tonight cuz i dont wanna stay up anymore :3

why am i hapoy, why am i hapi?

will it last and is it useful and does it mean good stuf?f?

i love my life for some reason now despite hating it probably yesterdayie

so weeeeeeee

go get some outdoors time or fun times woth frends or with yourself loke isk get a cofeeeee if u drink it thats what i got a cofee im drinking

yayippe

...

hopfully it doest sad (my day)

WaT

Like, I think I should do/say something, then think oh wait no I should do the other thing, then realize darn it I should've just done the first one or the one I wanted and Ado I hate this.

And uhm... I read about mental health conditions and stuff online (which yes I shouldn't do yada yada please don't comment...) but then I analyse all my actions and thoughts and compare it to what I read while also knowing nothing will be enough to "diagnose." Not that I can self-diagnose, but I feel like nothing I notice will be able to be told to a professional who *could* diagnose me (with something I likely don't have...) because I'd just be a silly fool making something of nothing and seeking diagnoses and labels and all that crap that I've been told I don't need or something (maybe I misparaphrased this).

But I also have felt for the longest time like there is *no one* like me, almost as if I am not human and cannot be related to. Now I've been beginning to see that I get people and they get me (at least I hope, in both cases). But before that, I was so scared of... being certain things or whatever and yeah I still am but not as much for certain ones.

Idk if I said what I wanted to but wtvr im tired and this has left me feeling weird

later, never mind how much (*wink*), I felt my vision and eyes to be too soft, too unfocused, it needed to be *hard,* whatever that was. I felt as if my eyes were too naturally toward an angle- that of my cocked head *and* rotated head. I tried different eye positions and different focuses, non quite right. I tried farther (or further?) things, closer things... but to not much avail until I closed my eyes which was much better-;no vision.

my eyes were too tired but used to it, so perpetually weary perhaps. the eyes feel too soft, perhaps like I can't feel them within their sockets/my skull. like they aren't mine? but oh of course they are mine but I can't feel them sliding around.

do you at all know the feeling i mean?

i don't 

I am tired, having slept but a mere 9 hours. I am tired, despite having slept longer than the previous days. I am tired, sad, uncomfortable, and I do not know what to say but I must say something. I cannot waste precious breath that could be used for words.

I am confused, I am upset, I am neglecting myself and the body I inhabit. I wish I could cry, oh how I do. I wish someone would care, and I wish no one would see. I wish I didn't wish, as wishing is pointless. I wish to be alone and I wish to have company. I wish to be someone else because I do not know who I am, and that is easier than figuring that out.

I do not know who is "I" or "me." Others use a name, but I have uncertainty. Others refer to me, yet I can only pretend I agree, feign certainty through non-address.

I don't know who I am, or maybe I do. I don't know what to tell you, or what's true. What's confusion one day lessens the next, and I am always a step behind, not realizing I need to catch up.

Many a day I'd rather simply die, than figure this all out, than confront the truth, my fears, the past, my mind, life. I wish simply to escape, or to be absolved of my shame. I wish to erase it all, this non-life of mistakes. I wish I didn't need to, though I even don't. I wish I didn't feel these silly urges, and those not-so-silly ones. I wish I could live without wishing; perhaps I wish for "blissful ignorance"?

I never once thought I would, but maybe I do now. It would be easier, wouldn't it? To be unaware of life's tortures, torments, than to be unable to fully integrate into life because nothing is right?

I am so confused, and there are no answers, non easy, non given by others.

And is it my fault, not knowing the problem, not knowing the question to the answer I seek? What use is 42 with no context?

I am rethinking my whole identity and everything I wanted or thought I did. I decided on growing my hair out but didn't quite know. Now I think it looks good how it is—not long but not really short. Would it look good long/er? Should I keep it as-is or whereabouts?

I realized I do not like computer science anymore as a career goal or main interest, and of course am second-guessing my listening to my reservations. Now, what do I like? Do I actually like art and writing or is that a passing phase or something I'll lose interest in or—

Do I like philosophy or just a certain type of it; did I buy those books to read for myself or to read and be able to say so, or to read for their supposed knowledge I "require"?

What do I not like that I think I do?

Why does it feel as though I lose interest when an interest is brought in focus? When I tell someone I like art or wish to do more, or have an idea or such, then I no longer feel motivation or the same interest as before. Once said aloud it disappears.

I once had a dream I created an amazing VR game that was somewhat terrifying and realistic. I don't remember much but upon waking I yearned to create like that—to create just that. But that was better kept in my head, I don't think I told anyone. Saying something—"oh, I want to write a novel"—removes it from your mind, it exposes the unfeasability, discourages. Or perhaps something else.

Perhaps to have it affirmed invalidates your low confidence and your doubt or knowledge of your needing to learn and... tells you you can do it now, what are you waiting for, so you stop and forget it. Chasing the unattainable or simply procrastinating, "I'm going to write a novel," versus being confronted with the truth that you need to, you must and you can or you can't, "then write it."

I just corrected a typo I had missed, it said "Ok Not Knowing," not "On Not Knowing," and perhaps I should be, as they tell me. Though how can I make choices when such is the case? How can I move forward? I don't know what I want and I can't think or do anything, I don't know what is true and real or what I like, or think.

When faced with choices and unable to make them I feel pressured and confused and do not know a thing, I question whether what I wanted prior was ill-informed of not, and whether I should listen to others, "just" or otherwise.

I don't know what I want, but I don't want to continue on, I want change or to say goodbye. It's just wholly too much (did I use that right?) I feel dizzy and confused while I have to make choices, I feel like I have no time at all and what I have is wasted. What do I wear tomorrow, who am I going to be?

I feel sometimes lile the world goes to fast, and others. I need them to slow down, I need to think, or perhaps I just want to escape and delay. Sometimes they make decisions for me, sometimes I obtain misery from not doing. There's too much to think about, too many paths, and I can't hold them all, can't take them all into account, when the majority are unsolved.

It would be so much easier to just have it away, to escape, no choices ot decisions anymore or then, and nothing to worry about, just running...

There's too much for a day and for my mind or a page or an hour a week of therapy.

I feel nauseous and did not drink enough in this heat, nor eat? I have my tasks—too many—some necessary others necessary. Some required, others I need for other reasons, to feel like I am someone, not just moving through each day not doing anything just moving just waiting, I need to write I need to create or I am nothing, am I already? I am nothing and no one if I do nothing or choose nothing, if I do so for months and years too. I need to figure my life out but I'm too sick to do so. I'm not even rightly depressed proper as an identity; I am no one.

I am cold and I am sick, sitting on my Unmade bed.

I told myself last night to not use the Shard today for it would do no good and has done only bad. I am clueless what truth or falsehood this holds, but I would feel better to not have it to blame. It takes up my time, anyway—should I throw my phone away?

I am no one and I finally feel that true.

I've heard of - and experienced - something similar. I doodle here and there. Well, they are considered doodles by most, I'd say. They aren't too good, and when I redraw it later in more detail or a bit of a larger scale etc., then I see what others likely do. Until then, however, a small doodle can look to my eyes like one of the greatest things I've ever created. Or, simply, a piece of art. I know that it's not very high-quality, but it is appealing to my eyes or it is nice, I'm not sure how to explain that part further.

But, then there are accidental lines that curve just right and look great but are unreproduceable (is there a word for that?) Or something more than just a line or few. Then, when color is added, things can look amazing. I'm not sure how to describe this all, but certain things- generally art, even unintentional, but also nature or landscape as I'll get to later. By unintentional, I mean... idk, actually. But there can be something intended to be a doodle or collection of doodles that is beautiful to me.

For the nature/landscape aspect, I very much enjoy taking pictures (just on my phone camera, and I'm not a professional or anything) of the landscape and scenery around me. The clouds are a big focus. I have many pictures of the clouds, and unfortunately have to delete some, mainly duplicates or "ugly" ones, to clear up space... I might look into getting some printed out, as I would very much like having physical photographs of them. Both the permanence ot tangibility of a physical photograph rather than digital file, and also being able to flip through them- either by hand or in a photo album of sorts.

Anyway, I love the clouds. I have pictures of when they were pink, when the sun was shining through, the winter clouds, sunset clouds, etc. I don't always get photos and I wish I did. I feel like I have less than I think, to be honest. There is still this time that will possibly haunt me forever as a regret. It wasn't necessarily the clouds (as I take of landscape too), but it was sunset or so, and there was a building that was silhouetted and it looked beautiful in my eyes. Perhaps it wasn't to others', but it was to me- and I don't have many, if any, silhouette photographs. I did not take a picture, even though I could've, and I regret it. But it's in the past, and the regret has lessened.

For landscape, I love trees, elevated terrain, and others. I love the combination of cloud and land, especially. Like what's-his-name (Remi, maybe?) in the movie Ratatouille, when you put them together...

Sometimes I can't get a good photo, or it doesn't turn out good. Trees or buildings in the way, or I my fingers are numb from the cold and I can't frame it so I take more blindly. And zooming can be hard, as the full photo doesn't always look the best, or has things I don't want in it. But zoomed in can look less detailed and not have the full beauty of the landscape.

There was this one time, I was with someone and took a photo of some buildings and this column of smoke from some industrial thing I assume. They asked why I was taking the photo, or maybe "what could be beautiful in that?" I didn't respond, or gave a simple dismissive/avoidance one. The honest truth was that I saw a certain kind of beauty in it, and, though I've only perhaps admitted this to one person, I want to use photos as art. I want them to be art, and have meaning. I want to be able to use them in an art project or an album cover, but am reluctant to tell anyone for fear of them either not understanding, or breaking an illusion I perhaps don't realize I have - or realize subconsciously yet hide from - the illusion that these are not just ordinary amateur photos and that I will become someone or create something.

So, another thing is that sometimes I sit at my desk or somewhere in general, inside or out, and I really sit/stand and look at my surroundings in a new way. Perhaps it's a form of mindfulness, I am now realizing. But I look at something ordinary - not necessarily an object, but perhaps a collection of objects and the surroundings, or just the area - and I see beauty. I see something so ordinary and unassuming yet so... beautiful or... innocent, sometimes; since the scene or objects do not know they are beautiful, and neither do passerby. Perhaps that is not the right word, but yeah. It makes me look at the world - if only that one point - with new eyes, new wonder, new beauty and new seeing.

One night I was out and it was raining. It was completely dark save the street lights and occasional car. I don't remember all that of the night but I was hurrying to shelter ot enjoying the rain, I don't remember which- for a reason I do. The sidewalks and road were wet with rain, the light reflecting in them. I wanted to capture the moment, what I saw. Or perhaps I wanted to create beauty where I saw potential- the less desirable narrative, though perhaps more truthful. Either way, I took some photos in different places as I was walking or perhaps running, and some turned out fairly good- I still have them (it wasn't that long ago) and revisited them while writing this.

There is a beauty that I see in... buildings and such for lack of a more descriptive or better phrase. Signs of human life or presence, especially when none of the kind of their creators are present (in other words, no humans). When it appears as if the place is abandoned- that even the being behind the camera is not there. Perhaps this is described by the term "liminal photography," one I have discovered relatively recently. Perhaps not, perhaps sometimes.

Sometimes the oddest things can look beautiful to me, and I feel the urge to capture a moment in a photograph- a frozen moment in time.

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i wonder if she knew woth the grrrn snd thr kne hundred if she was just

So, I recently thought on how I would love to have a friend that instead of just texting, we voice/video called. Or, just called for a mote general term. I've... never had friends I call. I've had a few (kinda) that I text, but I just imagine it must be nice to sometimes just talk to them and be able to have more fluidity outside the confines or texting, and be more natural and stuff... I mean it would be probably even better depending to talk in-person. I've done that some, and it can be good (or awkward since I don't have close friends really).

But... texting can be slow and limited. It can be good, too, but if you have a long text it can take long to type up. It might take long to say, also, but you can kinda get conversation from you and the other person at once. And... you can have more verbal cue type things and noises, like the "uh" "uhm" and hesitations or breathing changes, like sighs or sharp inhales, and silence is more pronounced imo. I imagine. And laughter besides a "lol" or something. Idk.

I also have been able to talk more, as of late, like in general. So the few times I had previously of talking to friends over call (I remembered I actually did it like twice or thrice) and in-person that one time and the few others, so those times I usually didn't talk much but lately I've been able to talk more so yeah.

Idk it's just also a more natural thing kinda and more human, too. I'd just talk, rather than... idk. Texting is nice too, actually. But there are times that I'd like to be a call or something, I guess. Maybe.

Hshehwhweudjbd

On Feeling; or, Newfound Emotional Vividity

So..........

I think I might be out of my depression, or at least the worst of it. For now or for a bit, not sure. Or may still be in it. But it's eased up I believe. Yes. And there are good and bad feelings that come with that.

Firstly, newfound emotional vividity! Lol. Hopefully I used the right words but basically... I feel like I can actually *feel,* now. And the thing is, I can't actually remember if I was the same a few weeks, months, or years ago, but it somehow *feels* very different and new?

I've watched a fair amount of movies and TV shows and anime both while still kinda depressed, and more recently when I was *maybe* not/less depressed? I struggle to define my depression. But, I've felt like I can relate to the characters much more then before (even if I don't remember what it was like before). Things feel new, the *world* feels new. I feel like I've read that described before (probably in the gdb..). But anyway, I feel like every show or movie I watch is, like, a masterpiece or something. Almost every. I feel like I can feel the characters and relate to them, their struggles, their feelings, *why* they do/say/feel something, and their lives. I've gotten goosebumps a few times, or cried or nearly cried. I used to cry a lot while reading or watching something emotional, and I usually *tried*, or wanted, to cry. But I don't feel like I could tell what it was about the characters that made me enjoy them, also. Or why they were relatable. I can scrounge up an old shard post by me about this with the Cosmere books if anyone cares. I still... can't always do it or do it a lot, but while watching a movie/show, I feel connected to the character and, in the moment, I do think of a specific thing/things that plays a role in that.

I watched Encanto again, recently, and it almost made me cry (or did, I forget). I don't remember much about when I watched it for the first time, but this time I was invested in it and the characters and I felt grief for them or happy or sad or whatever.

I watched a movie a few weeks ago when dealing with my depression stuff and the character was pretty similar to me too but I just felt very immersed, like I *was* her. I know that's kinda what media is supposed to do, lol. But it felt different, more vivid more lifelike or lively or something.

I'm listening to an audiobook now, and it has two girls who end up dating but they like each other (it's not even a classic romance lol) and I just felt very relatable to that, I related and I longed for it and felt sad but also felt *very* happy *for* them.

So, I'm not sure if this is all a new thing completely for me, or just a new thing since the depressive episode or whatever, or not new at all. Idk.

And I can sometimes feel like *I* am the character, like I can visualize myself as them and like when it describes waving or smiling or anything I feel like I am doing it too. idk.

But beyond that, I've also been more happy lately. Or, happy more. I think, something. I still feel bad sometimes/maybe even often, but sometimes I just get talkative and happyyyy. And not even talkative always, I get happy alone or quiet sometimes. And it's s different kind of happiness- I'm not just waiting for it to go downhill (even if it does). I'm living more in the moment, I guess.

I guess a good word is "carefree," perhaps. And I smile, genuinely, effortlessly, smile, the whole time.

I look forward to things, too. To D&D club or to talking to someone or whatever.

I still spiral a lot, especially in therapy when I gotta talk about difficult things, or sometimes throughout the day. I still get brainfog or something and feel depressed. But I also feel happy, and when I'm happy the depression isn't like Death looming over my shoulder.

I'm not very sure how I feel and how I feel about things, though. I say I've been happy, I say I've been depressed. But I can't remember much of what either feels like. Or, I can, vaguely, but it's too difficult to remember/feel much.

Too much to think about, I think that's what brainfog is. I think my earlier entry was describing brainfog, perhaps.

I'm not sure what I feel.

Innocuity; or, Trigger Words

Are there specific words, phrases, sentence structures or templates, questions, etc. that... trigger you? Or that irritate you, or make you feel attacked? I've found that, a lot, I wait for the "but" in a sentence, yet (hehe) it never comes, sometimes. When I'm vulnerable to someone and they respond (or before they even respond), I'm constantly waiting for them to criticize or  mock me, or to say how I'm wrong, to shake their head, to euphemize it (guess that ain't a word?) To say "well, it can feel like that, but ____" or something idk. And when I get off track and someone steers me back and I feel bad and also ignored, like all the sometimes pretty vulnerable stuff I just shared was irrelevant and they don't care, or think I'm silly or some other adjective/trait/quality. But that in itself is off-topic. I have certain things, of the types mentioned in the first sentence of this section, that makes me berate myself or breathe in or stop talking because I think something bad is coming. Or get angry, perhaps. I can't really name many because I don't remember, but yeah.

And then, there are the more trigger ones, or just things that I "don't like." There's a.. term I don't like being referred to as because it's something of s compliment and I was called it by a girl I think I liked who I won't see again unfortunately but idk I just don't want anyone else... "stealing" it? It feels special, idk.

And it seems kinda unreasonable to ask people to not use <insert pages list of words/phrases> to/around me. (I don't have a list, but I could probably make one with time.) So, whatever, I just deal with the discomfort every time something of them is spoken/said/written.

But is that like it with you? Do you have them?

Bonus that no-one wanted

Literally nobody:

Me: Labels, Diagnosis, and Internet Rabbit Holes

So cough hah yeah I mentioned this I guess and let's see if I can write something about it.

I was/am (I don't know who I am anymore, tbh. I've started saying more and more in past tense or with uncertainty), someone who goes down Internet rabbit holes of mental illness or conditions or whatever. Yarp. I'm still kinda convinced I have a certain thing that I probably don't and have been told I don't by several medical professionals and stuff.

I find it fascinating, though. It used to be more anxiety-inducing, as I would *worry* I have the thing I was researching, but now I don't worry anymore. I just pay attention to everything I and others do and how it fits the symptoms of any of the things I've researched...

Also I wanna say that uhhh self-diagnosis not necessarily good, or just plain bad idk. And uhh don't do what I do.

And I'm not only saying that for disclaimer-ey purposes. I've talked about this stuff with therapists/psychiatrists/other mental health people, and I've learned that those stuff can be a little too.. general. Or something. Idk if I should be speaking on this in the first place lol. But, symptoms also overlap, etc., and can look similar and not take into account other things.

That doesn't stop my mind unfortunately. But yeah.

Also, lately I've found labels harder to use, because to use a label for something I do or experience or whatever, even like "spiralling" or "brainfog" or "fidgeting" (though less-so) or "intrusive thoughts" or "suicidal ideation" or other things is hard for me because that, to me, implies/requires my certainty, it makes it official.

It says that I'm confident, when I'm not. Or, I start to doubt and spiral when I have to use a label.

Maybe probably.

So it can help for me, I think, to focus on my "symptoms" and how I'm affected by whatever it is, and not have to diagnose everything.

Hopefully I'm not spreading misinformation...

uhh mmm

uhm

bye

But, do you ever get the inability to think? Or to know what you are feeling in this moment, or what you felt in the past? To know what you *want*? To even *start* to get into that tangle/analysis paralysis that you usually do? Maybe this should be in first-person.

I get that feeling, I am having it right now. My natural instinct (a tautology?) was to add "I think" to the end of that. I am like that, I can be. I should also remind myself that I can change, to not get stuck on that identity. And now I am putting my backstage thoughts here with the others.

Anyway, I end up part relying on what I *remember* thinking, knowing, feeling, wanting, choosing, etc., and part not being able to think and "shutting down", getting overwhelmed, not wanting to think about it or anything anymore, until I can properly do so again. I can't make decisions, or struggle to. It can take me hours, it has, in the past. Hours of sitting there, sometimes overwhelmed to the point of crying, other times numb, others thinking or trying to think- trying to get past that block and grasp hold of some thought or feeling or *certainty*.

Like right now, it becomes hard to think deeply about something, anything. I just can't return to my deep ponderings or even some of the analysis paralysis. I'm not calm, even though I am, in a way. I'm calm in expression, body, mind. But that calmness is from an absence of thought.

I had this experience a few weeks ago, while writing a... disturbing stream-of-conscious, where I was not able to hear my thoughts, anymore. They were beyond reach, as they are now. Inaccessible, or accessible just barely. I can type stuff here, and there, but I don't necessarily hear the thoughts behind it, it just comes out, and sometimes it's hard. I don't really know what I'm writing right now and sometimes I need to remind myself.

Perhaps, as I said, it's because I've already done two entries (I think? Maybe one?) before this, and also had some tough stuff in terms of thinking and trying to make decisions about myself and etc. stuff.

But I get like this, sometimes. I'm not depressed right now, at least it doesn't feel like it. But I don't feel the happiness, ease, joy, and energy I felt earlier today.

And, does it matter the cause? Maybe when thinking in terms of prevention or solutions, but not in expression or understanding? Or am I mistaken, I never know, or sometimes do but not like this, I think.

Ah, yes. I try to treat my life as an SQL database. I *try* to filter all my memories and experiences to search for ones which meet a specific criteria. I don't think I succeed that often, if ever. But It's when I'm trying to think of situations in the past. Whether related to trans stuff, or to what my thought process was at a certain time- early last week, two weeks ago, two/three months ago, 10 months ago, etc. (those are all times I've tried to remember, in this way).

So, what is the point of all this? To that I say, I haven't the faintest.

But essentially it's a loss of cognitive and/or emotional ability, depth, or something. At least that's how I self-define it, for myself and by myself.

It's when my mind runs dry, though I can't tell if it's a well waiting for rain or a river with a dam.

edit: oops I forgot to schedule it..

So, some of these entries - including this one - are exploring thoughts/feelings/etc. I've experienced in the past and/or present, and likely already thought about or wrote about- even extensively. But, sometimes those were in forum posts, my mind, my journal, or through more abstract/metaphorical poetry or other writings. Or to people IRL. Here, I can expand on it while also having a different/more permanent audience, or something... that makes no sense and is weird but whatever it doesn't matter, does it?

So, without further ado, have you ever felt unable to get warm? Either literally or figuratively? If the latter, not being able to get warm can describe it. So, I recently read some article or blog post or something, it probably doesn't matter and I don't know when, that used that. And I've used similar.

Anyway, I had this dream once when I was pretty young (maybe 5-8 years old?) that was rather silly but essentially it involved not being able to become warm, even after having *lots* of stuff stacked on top of me (it wasn't blankets, but their function was... comparable). It was sort of a nightmare, you could say. Another example is something that happens after a shower, when my hair is still wet. I want to get comfortable, in my bed relaxing or otherwise, but can't, because my hair is wet against my pillow or hood, and isn't in the shape I want, gets in my eyes, etc. And when I'm cold and uncomfortable - or too hot, though that's different because it has a sense of agitation, of "positive" energy, rather than being "cold" (literally or otherwise) and "negative," depressing, in a sense? Also with not being able to get comfortable no matter how much I shift, what clothes I wear, etc. Sometimes it helps to have my hood up, other times it's constricting or interacts with my wet hair.

Another feeling of unease/discomfort is like with (and caused by, too) having an unmade bed. At least for me. I don't want to make it, but can't settle in or relax until I do. It's both a mess to look at, and reminds me I can't relax fully until it's made. Hence discomfort, I guess.

Wearing jeans, sometimes. It depends on the person, I guess - I knew someone who went to bed in jeans - but personally I can only relax and get in bed to watch anime or do whatever once I'm in PJs or other cozy pants. Jeans and stuff just feel cold or harder, sometimes. I love them during the day, and when I go out, but yeah.

And I'm not sure how much this is making sense but basically I'm trying to convey experiences that either cause or serve as a metaphor or something for the persistent discomfort/unease feeling. It's the feeling that nothing will make me comfortable, at ease, in this body. It passes, sometimes, or fades into the background. It can be hard to talk about it - and other things - when not in the moment, when not experiencing it at the moment, but I think this is fairly accurate to my own experience, or how I remember thinking about/describing it in the past (not in a sense of potential distrust/caveat for the memory, but for the thoughts within that memory at the time.)

It also applies for when my body feels unclean, such as not having showered in that day, etc. Though... yeah. Anyway.

Inability to relax, to calm. Something-something what else do I say on this?

I don't know what the point of this post was, I guess I just wanted to write about a certain feeling.

If I do another today soon, I'll probably schedule it for later.

Lately I've been thinking about a feeling I get and have made at least two attempts to explain it- I think first in my journal, and second to someone I know. It has perhaps no basis or manifestation in reality, but is present in my mind and causes overwhelm and a certain type of hopelessness. I hope someone will understand, and perhaps help me understand. Have you ever used a remote-controlled car, drone, etc., but you struggle to maneuver it, to understand it, to do what you want to? You struggle to move it as naturally perhaps as your limbs? And, even your limbs sometimes feel like that. But anyway, or have you played a new video game and not been able to actually fully connect yourself to the character and be able it control them? You feel disconnected in that you have to look at your keyboard or controller or whatever? You can't remember all the controls or key combinations, you don't move fluidly but haltingly, you press buttons and feel like every time you succeed is a fluke- because it is. I got this feeling when playing Celeste for the first time- and it took a bit to get better, and never fully did. I had a dream some time ago, never mind how long precisely (hehe). But in all seriousness it was like a month ago or whatever, and part of the dream was that my body was within a videogame - Minecraft - and I struggled a *lot* to simply control it. There was one part near the end where I had to actually fight someone - it was life or death - and it felt impossible. How could I fight if I could barely move? I also have dreams where I'm running from something or someone, and I keep having to stop and start again- I somehow keep losing the speed I had. I have to run in a certain way and I just can't maintain speed or go fast. I tire or slow, all the while I *need* to keep running. I get these dreams a lot. It is actually similar to the experience I had once when I played Vanilla/Regular Minecraft after months of using a client to play it (basically some extra QoL features and stuff, if you aren't versed.) And the client basically had an option to make it so I'm always running (technically it's called sprinting in Minecraft). Regular Minecraft might have that option too, but I don't know. So, I had to like hold the keys or something to stay running. If I stop holding the keys or if I hit a block and don't jump in time, or if I stop moving (I think), then it stops my sprinting and the flow of life/game is broken. I hope those examples are relatable for the feeling.

Now, how it relates to real life and my mind is that living feels impossible or nearly so- awkward, hard. Movement feels - *in my mind* - like it *will be* like those examples, which will then disrupt life and prevent me from doing *anything*, which, even in thought, has negatively impacted me. I can't imagine my future, or being successful, both in the regular sense and just in living or therapy. I had an example I talked/wrote about, where my body simply feels awkward and I imagine picking an outfit but it would... be hard. And I imagine it like wearing a skirt, where I had to sit and move certain ways, etc. I don't know if I explained this well... But it just seems impossible for *me* to navigate the world and to live. I'm going through some identity stuff/changes, I think, and part of it seems impossible- but also there's no returning; that is dead.

The thing is, in reality it is easy to move- at least usually, and when I'm happy. I've had days of being upbeat, happy- I've even been described as "playful" once. But when I am sitting/laying with my thoughts and overwhelm and discomfort, I can't imagine doing anything- it feels either impossible or not able to be done fully or very hard and stressful.

And also - possibly a tangent and/or unrelated - I think that sometimes, what I describe, try to describe, try to understand, etc. is actually a shared or even common feeling, but I ascribe some sense of incomprehensibility and just not being regular or mundane to it. If that means anything. And this isn't *just* with this remote-controlled dream feeling, but with other stuff. I'm in group therapy, started recently, and already people have said things that sound exactly like the things I've struggled with and thought were unable to be understood or needed a convoluted explanation because no one else experienced it and needed it explained. Or something.

But with the feeling this post is about... it makes my future seem impossible. Impossible to make friends and live and fit in and settle in and function, because... maybe because I am not me? Possibly dissociation in a depression/dysphoria sense. Disconnect from reality or my body, etc. I don't think I've explored this feeling much, though. I don't know.

So... I'm listening to The Emptiness Machine for the second separate time. First time(s) was months ago, I think it was suggested by @Honors Spectral Image, or someone? I've been craving music like Linkin for weeks.

Now, another song is on. Just shuffle- More the Victim now.

This all goes back to what happened a few weeks ago, and some temporary great people I met. There was one who loved Linkin and other music, and another who liked this one song. I miss them both deeply, and so I'm trying to use music to remind myself of them- not sure how much it's working. Not only that but I also just developed a craving for this music, even while still with them. So I'm finally allowing myself - and allowed - it.

Sometimes I struggle, when I *want* to feel a specific emotion or feeling or thought from something, but can't. Same when reading something and I want to get something out of it but can't understand or get anything and I can't focus on it, because I'm just trying to feel something. Not sure if that makes sense.

Like, (and I realize I need to actually provide examples sometimes, because what I have in mind is likely not in mind for You, lol) when reading poetry or something I know I should get meaning or feel something from, I... just can't- or find it difficult. I end up re-reading or analyzing the words or just trying to get to the point where I can nod slowly at how thought-provoking and "deep" it probably is. Sigh.

Unrelated, but you know how you can say something that sounds right and is "fancy" or will make you sound smart? There's actually a good scene from the movie Goodwill Hunting (it's rated R btw and uhhh don't watch it if you're young or whatever?), but basically this college student recited something from a book that sounded intellectual, to some college girls or whatever, and then the main character, Will, exposes that guy for being not what he sounds like, and Will talks smarter/burns him (verbally, of course). So yeah. Also basically this one phrase has been on my mind lately... it was probably on the internet somewhere when I looked up something about philosophy... "central to the human condition." As in "____ is central to the human condition." I don't fully even know what the human condition is, though I kinda do. But it sounds kinda scholarly, no? But if you don't actually know if it is correct, you can't use it? Though, I would/will/do just fall in the... perfectionism trap of not believing myself able to talk about something until I've read it all, understood it, and understand essentially everything in that field. Because, what if I say something that is incorrect or debunked or whatever, in that very field? How can I trust that my interpretation of some text is accurate? And, if no one (of few) agree(s) with you on something, it shouldn't necessarily disprove you? Maybe they just never thought of that. Or, you are simply wrong, they are right, you know no better and thus should not even be here- what are you doing here, with no expertise, stick to what you know, the basics, don't venture beyond.

Just some thoughts- some I already wrote in a journal or thought of, some I thought of but didn't get down.