for the first time

practice makes perfect

wake up

alone

work hours 

among people you don’t know

wind down

down deep

worn out

you finally find yourself going to sleep

and despite not seeing your family

the illusion, the cage, makes you feel free

and despite the exhaustion painting your bones

you realize your world feels a little less alone

for the first time

practice feels perfect

Escape 

Lost in the wood

Buried in nightfall

Wouldn't see if I could

Despairing midnight

Followed a light 

Emerge from the tree wall

And it's still midnight,

And every hope is painted black.

What if I make a masterpiece,

And it is forgotten in a week.

What if I fall in love,

And we both die in a century.

What if everything I do is wonderful

What if everything I do is meaningless

What if I never escape

What if I don't care?

Alliteration

Dare I deign to disturb Death’s designs,

Destructive dreams delivering demise,

Or will I wait for weighted waters,

Washing worried windows of my eyes?

—————-

first one is about my life feeling slightly different

second one was about positive progress with depression 

the last one was a bit weird, perhaps. Hope and the audacity to live
 

Anyhow, I’ve been working about 28 hours over the last week, 3 8 hour shifts and 1 4 hour shift, and next week will be 30-40 hours. I haven’t been active but that’s not to say I’m desharding, just like… busy. Also, a lot of my free time has been Subnautica 2’ing, cause that game is fire. will definitely be getting ready for OSV, twil be amazing. Cya around, folks!

a hand, one.

once trembled,

once held a knife.

abandon,

never again,

never my life. 
 

now sketching,

flawed hand,

perfect arm.

still stretching,

curved lines,

scratched-in harm. 
 

Fingernails mar this drawing more than scars.

I don’t feel happy

i dont feel sad for long

i dont want to be angry

doesnt mean my feelings are wrong

i choose to be happy,

though I feel like im lying

its okay to feel sorrow

but im done with forever dying

Souls

Why do we think?

Why do we feel? 

Why do we write poetry?

My dog sits her head on my lap.

Asks to be scratched behind the ear.

My dog does not lie awake at night,

Wondering if she will go to heaven or hell.

If a dog wrote a poem,

Would I still have a soul?

Art

There was evening,

There was morning,

There was day.

Words, out of nothing, create worlds.

Inside, feeling,

Inside, warring,

What to say?

Worlds, out of something, create words.

TW: despair

Had to get this one off my chest, happy poetry ti come

There’s a weight in my chest

Call it depression

call it guilt spirals

call it brokenness

I hurt more than pain

Im always left longing for rest

And the world follows

Wherever I go

Looking in a mirror

Hope unseen

Others look at me

Their eyes familiar hollows

Hands in pockets meet knives

“Wouldn’t it be perfect

To get what you deserve 

A sad story

Pain is glory”

Clothes without pockets spare lives

You’ve seen everything here

the path is known

time to go home

find a new trail

follow it or fail

you can’t give up, no fear

let a light in the darkness

Another star in the sky

make them wonder why

why you have hope

who gave you love

“The sun”, saith the archivist 

banshee

”mommy theres a monster outside”

”i know, its the banshee”

”why does he sound like that”

”he is hurting”

”he is scaring me”

”im sorry”

the banshee stalks for miles

alive in his reverie

his primal song

the person walks in spirals

dead in his memory

his final wrong

the voice in my head

is the only course

for a dead man like me

the voice i have fed

like wolves to a horse

is a demon like me

The banshee gasps

His howl cut off

he drinks blood from the sky

then his voice rasps

Screaming aloft

his pain is let out. Why?

this is the me you will never hear

this is the me you would to good to fear

This is the me that’s not wholly me

why do i find joy in mangling my throat

why does i find joy in tangling my hope

with a demon call, guttural thrall

oceans of metal, ill scream through them all

so find me if you wish

and hear the banshee’s song

Pinions

i saw a dead bird on the side of the road

mangled bones, ragged feathers, battered and bloody

a hawk sat on the branches above

i collapsed and away strength flowed

i was tangled, jagged, tattered and muddy

and you watched me cry without love

father, why don’t you catch me in your pinions?

I am an ocean

of blood, draining into a

dark, misty abyss

The Path Ahead

I am a feather

Jet black, drifting through skies of

Arcadian cities

The Heavens Behind Us

I choke on gasoline fumes,

Summoning courage to break,

These gilded, granite walls.

Corroding in these small rooms,

Eating myself alive to make,

It out of these ascending walls.

I’m not okay, the floor’s stained,

Fighting my apparitions,

Lonely in the mirror.

Rain cleanses my old pain,

The garden whispers visions,

Reborn, I won’t fear her. 

Nightingale

Night falls like an eternal city

Turning the angels into birds

Their scratching screeches are more pretty

Painting facsimiles of words

Pain, reprieve, life, rest

my thoughts align inside the nest

and songs collapse into the text

Therapy

I haven’t eaten for days

I haven’t showered for days

I haven’t slept for days

Do you know why

I don’t

You will be fine

I won’t 

It’s funny how you study empathy

But once it’s your job it’s useless to me

Aroma

Do I choose to be alone

Do I choose to stay at home

Do I choose to learn mistakes

Can I find another way

Was I born without a sense

Was smell always useless

Was it wrong to look for love

Can I find something above

Will feel happy this time

Will I leave it for a lie

Will I still ask what if

Can I accept myself

The garden is overgrown

The kingdom overthrown

The future still unknown

Midst dark, storm and stone

Here we stand, not alone

Retribution takes the throne

Offering honor to atone

The spirits he won’t own

Honor is dead,

But you won’t suffer this time. 
 

Shadows

Staring out a window

Shadows on the pavement

Surely these are monstrous

Who would say so

They are shelter, sent

To hide us in the dust

Children huddle under the playground

A lizard lurks under a rock

Waiting for the reprise of shade

Nostalgia lies, yanks you around 

You miss the sun, the moon is blocked

Night is as good as day

What is Love?

phileo

The youth group’s singing praises

Together siblings paces,

Best friends in all the places

the closest ones leave traces

eros

Nervous in the morning

The rain outside is pouring

Loneliness take warning

Find someone to be for me

agape

a father sprints to meet his son

A spike in wood, the blood will run

the sacrifice of only one

to pay a price, the work is done

broken strings

some storm of catharsis 

builds the base of my skull

i need an arena

to play to be whole

The sky breaks open

the numbers still roll

the strings dont match up

the notes aren’t quite full

twisting, hashtag alphabet

tuning, lowercase, not yet

tearing, dozen scales, one fret

SNAP

time to buy new strings

When the sun makes it impossible to hide

From the bugs, from heat, from anyone.

Make me wear short clothing.

Show off the scars, the months spent inside

Bummer.

Maybe it’s selfish,

but i want to write,

Want to publish,

just to fight,

fight the lethargy,

Describe the night,

for myself,

Fill the white,

not for you, 

but if it brings you light,

it is more than it could ever be.

Autumn

Death, in spectacular color

The world floating in catharsis 

I come alive, draped in armor

I hide not from you, but myself 

Rhythmn

Music

I can’t take it anymore,

so I lose myself

In someone else’s trauma

in memorized hands

in heavier lands

in an ocean of metal

in indie skies

in ivory and ebony

in the harshest strings

and i redeem something

something i lost

TW: Self-Harm

No TW, this one’s hope for me.

writing about my feelings has helped, actually. The harm i caused myself didn’t change me, but reflecting on that foolishness has. Never, ever hurt yourself. It is not salvation, it is not an escape. You can find help, you will see the sun again. I know someone out there loves you. 
thanks for reading, yall. I really appreciate it.